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Original poster

To be in awe of single parents

206 replies

agapimou · 19/01/2016 12:55

Dh is working away for 2 weeks. Mil usually takes 14 month old dd in the evenings but has been sick for 5 days.

We have been living on spaghetti and cheese sandwiches for the last 3 days. The house is an absolute tip, we have no clean clothes, the dogs need a walk, the hamster needs cleaning out, I havn't showered for 6 days and last night I cried when dd woke up at 3 am again. I also work from home and am about to lose several clients as dd only napped for about 45 minutes these last days.

Seriously how the fuck do you do it? Mil is over her cold and thankfully taking dd tonight, otherwise I am ready to hand myself into ss.

OP posts:
Allofaflumble · 22/01/2016 22:57

I raised my son singlehanded for 29 years! He's soon to be married and turned out fine.

I can remember sometime during the eighties when single parents became the scourge of society. The loudest mouth was John Redwood a drippy Tory toff.

The papers would be full of how single parents were lazy, scrounging workshy harlots, bringing up a generation of future villains.

It was hard being alone with all the responsibility, but easier than being with a partner who was not meeting your expectations of being an equal parent.

PushAPushPop · 22/01/2016 23:25

I've been both.
Single parent from the age of 16 to 28 and yes it is difficult.
However, I find now I'm not a SP with DC2 I'm quite "precious" about doing things my way.
In some ways, being a SP is great because you get to do things your way. Can't think of any negatives tbh, although I did have a lovely support network.

Baconyum · 23/01/2016 01:14

Definitely not all negative. Dd and I have a lovely close relationship, she can and does ask me anything (even stuff that embarrasses me and I don't embarrass easy!), we can do things our (my) way without deferring to anyone. Ex was not as easy going as me on some things but I'm stricter on others. Easier to plan days out or holidays as its just the 2 of us, we do things on a whim sometimes too. Which ex couldn't have coped with.

It's mainly finances which are difficult and the relentlessness of the responsibility.

mrsmugoo · 23/01/2016 08:18

All the single parents I know do get every other weekend to themself though. Not in any way saying this makes their life any easier overall but all the ones I know do have this and being able to maintain their social life and personal identity is a massive help to them.

TheTigerIsOut · 23/01/2016 09:44

I have not had an "every other weekend" free in almost 6 years but when I had them it was heaven because:

  • I could stay in bed a bit later on Saturday,
  • Meet friends in the evening and,
  • Spend all Sunday doing the food shopping and cooking for the following two weeks, so DS and I could eat at a reasonable time after I picked him from after school care, about 6 when I finished work.

One lie in and an afternoon with friends every 2 weeks is hardly much when compared to the financial pressure and responsabilities you have when you are on your own.

But yes, there is a stronger identity sense and social life because you learn to make the time for it. That social life becomes essential because through it you build and maintain your support network, which is something most married people get from their families.

I often dispair at martied people who when invited for a coffee in a free morning say they can't because they have to clean the house or pick up something from the laundry. I keep a house clean, do all the household shores, take full responsibility fir the care of the children, pick up the laundry and still find the time to meet my friends. It is all about organisation, but I accept that when I was married, and specially in the period when I was a SAHM something as simple as picking up the laundry would get a full morning slot in my diary, even when it takes only 30 minutes to do it) Smile

ewbank · 23/01/2016 15:13

mrsmagoo posts like yours make me AngryAngryAngry

Utterly indicative of a total lack of understanding of the challenges of the single parent life.

As aside from that, actually I don't get every other weekend off

Allofaflumble · 23/01/2016 15:30

First ever break I had from my son, apart from the very occasional night out, was when he was 6 years old and he went to a relative for a few days. No weekends off for me.

Lurkedforever1 · 23/01/2016 15:34

mrsmagoo that explains why the majority I know don't get any time off. The lucky ones are all clustered round you. Even most of the ones I know with lovely hands on dads still doing their share don't get that. Because the extra running costs of two households means they work when the kids are with their dad. And many are like me, with the dad completely uninvolved. Most unlucky of all though are the ones with wanker ex's, popping in and out of their kids lives when they feel like it. So that 3hours 'break' they got causes weeks of stress for kids and parents.

You also forget that even lps that genuinely do get eow 'off' still end up behind. Because lps don't get all those 10 minutes to pop to the shop, nipping to do a weekly shop when kids are in bed, bigger earning capacity to save time, watch them while I cook, and all the other 'breaks' plenty of couples take for granted.

Orlando16 · 23/01/2016 17:31

Op does your mother usually take your dd every evening? If she does then I'm sorry but you have nothing to moan about. I'm personally not in awe of single parents, well not of the few single parents I know. They have it really easy ie every weekend off from their kids, support from grandparents and other relatives, free nursery places for their two year olds, etc. Now I do realise that this may not be the case for every single parent, but even so I wouldn't say I am in awe of them, they're simply raising their children just like I am mine, so what if I have a husband. He works around the clock so 99% of the childcare is down to me, without ANY help from family what so ever.

Grilledaubergines · 23/01/2016 17:37

Orlando, to be blunt, you're talking out of your arse.

When my child is with his dad, I don't get free time. I work during that time to earn the money to make ends meet.

Being alone with your children because your partner is away with work or working long hours is actually nothing like being a single parent. But you know that, and you wanted the rise.

Thornrose · 23/01/2016 17:48

Wow, some people are so bitter about lone parents getting any kind of break.

So what if I have a husband? because it makes a significant difference to your life in comparison with someone who parents alone.

Orlando16 · 23/01/2016 17:54

Yes, of course I am. I love my husband but without sounding mean, him being here makes absolutely no difference to the way I run the house, look after the kids etc. I work full time, so I have my own money, I can pay childcare out of that as well as food, bills etc. My husband earns very little at the moment due to working his way up the ladder, so if he were to up and leave me, for whatever reason, my life wouldn't change. Yes I have emotional support but practically, financially it's all on me, which is the way I like it as I'm an independent woman.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/01/2016 18:15

Orlando,

If having a husband around makes no difference at all to your household then you have a really really shit husband

starry0ne · 23/01/2016 18:23

well it took a while to get to the LP sterotype...

Thornrose · 23/01/2016 18:28

so if he were to up and leave me, for whatever reason, my life wouldn't change. What about the lives of your children though?

Surely their lives would change significantly suddenly going from having 2 parents living together to just 1?

Girlfriend36 · 23/01/2016 18:46

Blimey this thread has taken a bit of a turn hasn't it??

Most of the single parents I know certainly do not get every other wend off, I don't either.

Orlando Shock agree with NeedsA

Orlando16 · 23/01/2016 18:47

I don't have a shit husband at all. He spent years working in a really high paid job that brought him, and indeed us nothing but stress, and was miserable. So he decided to take a different career path that means he will spend two or three years at the bottom working his way up, whilst studying at the same time but once qualified he'll be in a stable and satisfying job that he loves, on good pay and home every night early and every weekend, that doesn't mean he's a shit husband it means he's responsible and thinking of his family and rightly so himself.

DancingDinosaur · 23/01/2016 18:53

I don't get any weekends or evenings off ever. The only time apart from the dc is when they are at school, but I work full time anyway. Its damn hard work. But thanks for the awesome comment op, I think I am too Wink

Backingvocals · 23/01/2016 18:54

So do you already take all the decisions re schooling, discipline, where to go on holiday? Do you already carry all the suitcases on holiday? Do you already have to take all the kids to a&e in the middle of the night if one is running a fever of 41 degrees? Do you already pay for every thing in your home on your own? Do you do literally every single thing that ever needs doing on your own even if you really need a second pair of hands to do it ? (Putting together an IKEA triple wardrobe for example - I had to prop the baby's cot against one side and a chest of drawers against the other to keep it in place while I managed the fixingsGrin). Do you share your trials and tribulations with nobody?

If that's what you do every single day then I agree. Your husband is useless.

Kewcumber · 23/01/2016 18:54

He works around the clock Jeez he really should speak to a union about that.

Out of interest what does he do with his salary? Because if its anything other than pay for an extraordinarily expensive hobby then it's ridiculous to say that having him there makes no difference.

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you don't have sex with him and have to arrange to go out and find someone else to have sex with and whom you can only rarely ever spend the night with because you don't want your kids to get involved too early. I'll assume as well that he isn't very nice to you when you're feeling a bit down and need a cup of tea in bed and a lie in. Or show any interest in your children or what school they're going to go to. I assume he won't tip out of bed at 2am to drive you to A&E when your child is ill or stay at home with the kids when you're admitted to hospital in an emergency.

So really it isn't much different - just you have a bit more money than me then.

Out of interest I don't know one other single parent who has an ex-parent who takes the kids for a weekend (or even overnight) - but I'm sure they're out there, there's all kinds of single parents.

It does make me snigger when anyone states so categorically that they'd find something a piece pf piss when they've never actually tried it. I'm an older mother, financially independent, professional and been through plenty of life experiences but having to take your child into A&E on your own with breathing problems was a whole new level of scary and lonely that I certainly had never dealt with before. As was being hospitalised myself with a life threatening illness when I had a 3 year old and my carefully constructed independent single life was badly tested by a period of having to be out of work.

I don't play the sympathy card - no need to, but to come onto a thread where many people have shared really very difficult stories and dismiss all that because you are so sure you'd cope is somewhat lacking in empathy.

FrameyMcFrame · 23/01/2016 18:57

It can be hard, but it's also very rewarding. Most things that are incredibly rewarding are also hard.

ewbank · 23/01/2016 18:57

Orlando you are a clueless, clueless fuckwit.

And a goady fucker too.

Orlando16 · 23/01/2016 18:58

He's not useless but if it makes you feel better to say that, then fine. I've already explained that for the moment he isn't around a lot, but this is a means to and end. We are a family unit but I've always been independent so if he is here and say I do need to build a piece of Ikea furniture (have done many times) then unless I really am struggling I just get on with it and do it myself, I'm not helpless.

Orlando16 · 23/01/2016 18:59

Oh we are resorting to name calling now are we......classy! For the record I'm not goady, I'm just being honest.

DancingDinosaur · 23/01/2016 18:59

Oh Orlando, that emotional support is everything though. Someone who equally has your childs best interests at heart, that will help make the right decisions. No one else is able to do that in the same way. No offense love, but you haven't got a clue.