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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be in awe of single parents

206 replies

agapimou · 19/01/2016 12:55

Dh is working away for 2 weeks. Mil usually takes 14 month old dd in the evenings but has been sick for 5 days.

We have been living on spaghetti and cheese sandwiches for the last 3 days. The house is an absolute tip, we have no clean clothes, the dogs need a walk, the hamster needs cleaning out, I havn't showered for 6 days and last night I cried when dd woke up at 3 am again. I also work from home and am about to lose several clients as dd only napped for about 45 minutes these last days.

Seriously how the fuck do you do it? Mil is over her cold and thankfully taking dd tonight, otherwise I am ready to hand myself into ss.

OP posts:

ewbank · 20/01/2016 17:27

It's quite easy, you just...... don't shower.

Housewife2010 · 20/01/2016 19:13

Don't you feel dirty? I have to have a shower every morning. Can't you fit in a shower while your baby sleeps?

comingintomyown · 20/01/2016 19:37

Agree with Springy every single thing in the household down to you

Agree with Mandy am just so lucky my friends aren't like that and I get invited same as I ever did

I have 2 teens, single six years and find it hard that all the burden of stuff falls on me - drugs , sexual issues, worry about any number of things meanwhile XH lives a lovely new life not worried by any of it because they don't want him to know and mostly nor do I and his involvement wouldn't alleviate anything.

Having said all that I'd rather that than the latter years of marriage

frumpet · 20/01/2016 19:44

I think it depends really , was a single parent for a number of years , now married with 3 children . Being a single parent to one child was honestly a piece of piss in comparison .

revealall · 20/01/2016 19:44

I think a lot is down to your perception of the situation. If you get divorced or you are left to sort it all whilst partner is away then you can't help but feel a bit pressured.
Not having anyone around from the beginning has been amazing for me. I went back to work after two weeks and for a few years had three jobs and a dog.
The secrecy is to keep it at one child though.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 20/01/2016 19:49

My DH worked away for three weeks previously and I coped absolutely fine. This times seven weeks and although I'm coping fine and could deal with being a single mum in terms of the workload. I miss him and the company and just having him here. So defo respect single mums.

springydaffs · 20/01/2016 22:31

3 weeks?

Original poster

agapimou · 20/01/2016 23:20

How can you not shower for 6 days?

My record for soap dodging is two weeks, dp considerably more, but we were living on a beach back then

Dd is always squeaky clean though, before you all tear me a new one.

OP posts:

rosewithoutthorns · 20/01/2016 23:26

I don't even shower, hate the things. I bath once a week and guess what, my skin is wonderful

Hihohoho1 · 20/01/2016 23:55

its undeniably easier for two adults who are capable of working and looking after children than one

No,again case by case basis, totally depends on the jobs they have.
Not all single parents are in low paid jobs.

I don't get this being in awe of a parent just be cause they are single it makes no sense.

Some parents are crap, most are just getting by as best they can. Single or double.

I think I am in awe of foster parents to be honest singles or doubles. Let's face it it's easy to sacrifice everything for your own kid but to take on someone else's troubled kid?

That's awesome in my book.

alltheworld · 21/01/2016 00:15

What mandymops said, exacerbated by woman in couple accusing me of being after her husband when we had basically always socialised as a family so god knows how or when she thought something was going on

Baconyum · 21/01/2016 00:16

Thanks OP. I'm of the view I'll take a compliment when I can get it especially as so sick of being demonised by press/media and other commentators.

I've been a LP for 13 years. Dd was 2 when I kicked ex out for cheating. Over the first 6 years I was variously a student or working both full time. Since then its varied and I'm currently not working due to ill health bit hoping to get that sorted enough so I can go back to work this year.

Ex saw dd Sundays a few hours at first. I was persuaded to move back to home town by family promising support but it hasn't happened. Ex saw dd in holidays at first but now hasn't seen her for s few years partly as he doesn't make an effort to organise it and partly as dd doesn't want to as she is always an afterthought with him (don't blame her). Maintenance payments are a bonus if they happen too.

You can't do it all. I tried at first and house was always spotless, dd always kept in perfect routine and fed all from scratch while I was out the house full time either studying or working. But something's gotta give and I had a breakdown.

Now if the house isn't spotless, whatever as long as the basics done, we had chips n beans meal tonight, its not gonna kill dd to have that sometimes, we had pasta last night and casserole night before. Not hoovering every day won't kill anyone, nor will having a pile of laundry (we always have plenty of clean clothes go wear how I'm really not sure).

But yes the 'I feel like a single mum' from mum's who's oh is away for 2 nights is annoying! As is the lack of invites to adult social events.

Thornrose · 21/01/2016 00:24

Being a single parent is tough, there's no denying it.

If you're irritated by lone and single parents being acknowledged for what they do then you have a problem.

My dd's dad died when she was 10. I have no back up, emotionally, financially or in any other way. I get on with it but I'd love someone to back me up.

KatyCustard · 21/01/2016 06:55

On my own with two girls age 4 and 11. It's hard going; I also work full time.

I appreciated what you said OP and didn't feel patronised!

I get pissed off with certain of my colleagues/friends telling me they might as well be a single parent too as their DH works all the hours God sends. IT'S NOT THE SAME.

Lurkedforever1 · 21/01/2016 08:33

Yy to the social side of some so called friends in relationships. I remember at one point being asked to babysit on a regular basis for a couple as they never got chance to go out together, and as a single mum they knew I never made evening plans or had money to go out, but paying a babysitter would have meant they could only afford a pub meal and drinks on their night out. Generally thinking the best of people till they prove otherwise, I assumed they were suggesting a reciprocal arrangement, and agreed that yes, while I v rarely go out evenings, we could sort something for a day, or while I late night shop etc and was met with horror.

Also remember a local lp I didn't even know very well, who got my number from a mutual aquaintance ringing me in tears from work because she'd been told if she didn't do overtime that night she wouldn't have a job, asking if I'd collect her dc ( different school ) and have them till she got home. As all the people she'd done favours for had come up with bull excuses about why they couldn't help. Kept them overnight as her cunty boss kept her till 11. Mutual aquaintance decided this meant it was ok to try the same approach with me if their social plans and childcare didn't fit. And while I'd told dd and her kids, and their classmates it was just a fun plan for them to all play at my house, mutual aquaintance took delight in telling everyone about how poor lp was struggling so much she was crying and begging relative strangers to help her. Twat.

OneSteakBake · 21/01/2016 09:08

How you do it??? We have no choice, so you do it because there's no one else to pick up the pieces .

My advice for working to deadlines with escaping toddlers is... Do not even try. Try to keep calm and relaxe during the day, you are not going to do anything more than stress yourself if you try to work and care for her at the same time.

If she has a nap, you have one too. But as soon as she is in bed tonight... You start working until the early hours.

Another thing that have worked well for me when DS was younger was going to bed at the same time as DS (7ish), which meant I was wide awake about 3 - 4 am, which allowed me to work at least 4 hours undisturbed after a relaxing sleep.

CauliflowerBalti · 21/01/2016 09:15

I was a single parent for 5 years - I just moved in with a wonderful man who loves us both muchly. It's the thing I am most proud of. I kept us alive, the house alive, our pets alive. I gave us a good life, singlehandedly. People look down on single parents. We freeload. Or it's somehow our fault. There's a reason we are alone with th kids. I was fiercely proud of it. We bloody rock.

And drink huge amounts of coffee and lower our standards of housework.

mrsmugoo · 21/01/2016 09:22

I am in awe of single parents because it's not just for 2 weeks that they have to keep the wheels turning for.

My DH works away a lot and I also work, but I can now cope fine on my on for a couple of weeks - you just need to get organised and probably sacrifice some sleep I.e housework when little one is in bed for the evening / get yourself up and ready for the day before they wake.

A couple of weeks isn't that hard; every day for the foreseeable, IS!

OneSteakBake · 21/01/2016 09:24

Having read a little bit more of the thread....

As other's have implied, the difference of being a single parent and one with a travelling husband is the lack of financial/emotional support and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. No one is coming back in 2 weeks
/2 months to help out.

My personal hate is when people assume that children go off rails when raised by single parents... Excuse me? We need a medal not condemnation, we stay holding the fort while the other parent bugger off the life of their children and their responsibilities.

And no... Being a single parent doesn't mean DS was a careless accident or that we took some wrong choices. Most single parents are actually divorced parents who never thought the other parent was capable of turning their back on their children.

waterrat · 21/01/2016 09:30

I'm confused about why you would try to work with a toddler around. don't you have childcare? that's got nothing to do with how many parents a child has around!

DeoGratias · 21/01/2016 10:09

It's about money though - if what you earn is the same as you'd pay the local child minder then instead people have to try to work with the toddler around.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/01/2016 10:57

Ok, my lovely niece who has her mum look after after her daughter 50% of the time and her ex has DD quite a lot of the time is awesome!

My lovely married mate who has four kids one with autism and no other family help is not.

OneSteakBake · 21/01/2016 14:25

I agree that when there is significant help from the family things can be much easier, same as when you have that support and a partner.

Guess circumstances change everything, bit in equality of circumstances it is much easier to have someone you can rely on than doing everuthing in your own.

Baconyum · 21/01/2016 19:25

"And no... Being a single parent doesn't mean DS was a careless accident or that we took some wrong choices. Most single parents are actually divorced parents who never thought the other parent was capable of turning their back on their children." So much this!

My ex and I had been together 7 years married 5 when we planned and had dd. He thought despite me and others telling him otherwise, it became apparent after we had her he thought you have baby have 6 week check...and everything goes back to how it was before baby! Pissed him off that didn't happen, that he wasn't no 1 any more so he had an affair and...she got pregnant! So no it was not as certain people assume of LP a ons and careless use of contraception!

bellybuttonfairy · 22/01/2016 21:18

I'm not a single parent but dh did have a long spell in hospital after a sudden illness. I didn't have any family that could help me with a 4 year old and 2 year old. I was also heavily pregnant with no 3.

The day to day stuff was tiring on my own but I wasn't working at the time (on mat leave ) and we had some savings.

I vividly remember thinking how awful it would be if I lost dh as he was so I'll. That's an obvious thing but I also had a thought about how I would cope without him on a financial/emotional level in caring for all the children. It was a very scary time.

So - for all the single parents out there - I completely think you are absolutely amazing - your babies are so very lucky to have you.

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