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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to find me attractive?

191 replies

Curlywurlycat · 19/01/2016 10:48

He has said that I'm a plain Jane. He hasn't said it to me, he said it to someone else and I found out. He has never been the complimentary type (he said my wedding dress was "okay") and he's never told me that I'm gorgeous or beautiful or anything like that. If I dress up, I have to ask him for an opinion. (The answer is usually "nice").

I'm not gorgeous, far from it, but to say that I'm plain? That hurts.

I haven't told him that I know. I finding it hard to even look at him because all I can think is that he's looking at my face and thinking of how dull he thinks I look.

Am I over-reacting with this? It's knocked the confidence out of me (not that I had much to begin with).

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/01/2016 10:56

Who told you what he said, and why do you think they told you?

I'd ask him about it if I were you, as there could be crossed wires or shit stirring going on and he won't have the chance to explain/defend himself.

It's a shame he's not complimentary in general. Some people just aren't, but I'm guessing from your wedding dress comment, that he was like this before you married him?

If so, do you think he's ever likely to change?

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 19/01/2016 10:58

Talking behind your back is the issue here I think. That's not on.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 19/01/2016 11:00

Why are you with someone like this? When you were together in the early days, didn't it strike you as odd? I thought part of romantic relationship is that the other person thinks you are attractive/says your gorgeous(even if you don't feel it yourself). Are you complementary about him? I'd talk to him about it, find out if he actually said it, and tell him how his lack of affection hurts you. I'm not surprised you have low confidence if your own husband can't say anything nice or positive to you/about you.

MadisonMontgomery · 19/01/2016 11:03

I think you need elaborate a bit - who told you this, and what did they say - as tbh I would maybe question this persons motives.

Leelu6 · 19/01/2016 11:03

YANBU. Saying it to someone else is even worse.

What are his redeeming features (if any?)

sofiahelins · 19/01/2016 11:04

Exh was unable to give/receive a compliment. I didn't think it mattered but together with other things it really caused resentment over the years

WorraLiberty · 19/01/2016 11:06

That's why we need it in context because it could make all the difference.

Also, being plain does not make you unattractive. He was obviously attracted to you enough to marry you.

But if for example the context was 'Women who dress up to the nines and wear a full face of make-up every day on the school run', his comment wouldn't sound so out of place.

Clumsily worded, but not nasty at all.

tiggerkid · 19/01/2016 11:07

Who told you what he said, and why do you think they told you? - was just about to ask the same thing. I would try to get the answers to these questions before trying to figure out why DH (allegedly so far) would refer to the woman he chose to be with as plain Jane. After all, there had to be some sort of attraction on his part for him to choose to be with you! That's just the physical part. I am pretty sure there were other factors too.

wowis · 19/01/2016 11:15

wow...what a charmer he is. Flowers for you op.xx

Original poster
Curlywurlycat · 19/01/2016 11:19

It was aimed directly at me, and was written down. I read the conversation. It was just two men discussing their wives, one said his was good looking, the other said his was plain. It was on an app that we're both on, so I wasn't spying or anything.

Yes I tell him he looks good all the time. He is a good looking man. He probably thinks I've punched above my weight :(

Yes I've always known that he was like this, but I didn't realise that he said things like this to others. He's never called me plain to my face, so I've never really known his opinion of me until now.

OP posts:
Shirkingfromhome · 19/01/2016 11:23

Yep, totally agree that context is needed here.

What is your dh like generally? Does he get really excited about other things or is he pretty laid back? What's normal for his vocabulary? If he's really complimentary about other people but not with you then you need to talk to him.

In either case, you're upset so you need to tell your dh how you feel.

Only1scoop · 19/01/2016 11:26

So in context was this dialogue on app with a stranger or someone he knows? Do you know them?

I don't see this as banter I would be really hurt actually and can see why you are upset.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 19/01/2016 11:30

Oh op, that's so upsetting, not just his opinion (which is upsetting in its own right too), but the hurtful way he wrote it, openly, to someone else.

How's your relationship otherwise?

peachybex · 19/01/2016 11:30

Oh OP that's very hurtful Sad.

We can all mean things in different ways - maybe what he meant by "plain" is "natural"....

I think you had better talk to him about it. I can't imagine he would have said it in front of you, on the app, if he had known you would find it hurtful?. So perhaps he really doesn't think it's not a nice thing to say?. Either way - I'd have to know - it would eat me up otherwise. xx

LordOfMisrule · 19/01/2016 11:33

I think the person who told you is out of order, not your DH.

They have motives for that - almost as if they are trying to widen any cracks in your marriage.

The same way I'd describe my DH has 'carrying a few extra pounds' or 'ginger bearded', your DH described you as a plain Jane. Not butt ugly. It wasn't an insult, it was just fact. It also doesn't mean he doesn't think you are pretty. It is just a neutral describer. Sorry you don't like it.

FelineLou · 19/01/2016 11:34

I think you need a SPA day or at least a makeover. Anyone can be made up to look attractive. Then go out and gather compliments.
See if he wants to continue with the new woman or the old. Show him the bills, He'll say what he wants then.
He has damaged your self esteem so you need to put that right.

peggyundercrackers · 19/01/2016 11:36

to me being described as a plain jane just means you don't get dolled up with loads of make up and wear fancy/designer clothes - it means your just you.

I don't think being described as plain jane has anything to do with being attractive.

LordOfMisrule · 19/01/2016 11:37

I think you need a SPA day or at least a makeover

Why should she? That reeks of dressing up for a bloke.

OP, if you feel good with how you look, fuck everybody.

Plain isn't an insult. It is just a normal, ordinary level of attractiveness. Which is cracking, means you are attractive to him, and is why he married you.

Sure, you're not glamour-model sex-goddess hot, but who is? That is what I take from your DH's messages. Please do not be worn down by your husbands clumsy words.

Only1scoop · 19/01/2016 11:37

I don't think Op needs a 'spa day'
Hmm

KoalaDownUnder · 19/01/2016 11:38

I would feel extremely hurt if my (hypothetical) DH said that. Almost betrayed. SadFlowers

Katenka · 19/01/2016 11:39

A spa day does not solve life's problemsConfused

WaitrosePigeon · 19/01/2016 11:40

That would crush me. I'm sorry you've found out about this

wannaBe · 19/01/2016 11:41

I thought "you need a spa day" was some kind of MN urban myth. Grin.

MTPurse · 19/01/2016 11:41

I think you need a SPA day or at least a makeover.

Please ignore that comment op.

Katenka · 19/01/2016 11:43

I think for me it would depend on my husband and wether he thought it was an insult. He may not think it isn't.

I would like to know why someone showed you this.