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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect my husband to find me attractive?

191 replies

Curlywurlycat · 19/01/2016 10:48

He has said that I'm a plain Jane. He hasn't said it to me, he said it to someone else and I found out. He has never been the complimentary type (he said my wedding dress was "okay") and he's never told me that I'm gorgeous or beautiful or anything like that. If I dress up, I have to ask him for an opinion. (The answer is usually "nice").

I'm not gorgeous, far from it, but to say that I'm plain? That hurts.

I haven't told him that I know. I finding it hard to even look at him because all I can think is that he's looking at my face and thinking of how dull he thinks I look.

Am I over-reacting with this? It's knocked the confidence out of me (not that I had much to begin with).

OP posts:
DefinatelyAfatb0tt0medGirl · 19/01/2016 12:00

God don't go for a spa dayShock My mum paid for me and my sil to go on one; we came out blotchy and knackered!
My husband isn't one for compliments but even he says I'm beautiful occasionally. I did advise him to pop along to spec savers though Grin

CheersMedea · 19/01/2016 12:00

Is that the new go to a spa?

I expressly said "but only if you'd enjoy it and think you would feel better." No need to be a bitch.

ouryve · 19/01/2016 12:01

Maybe he didn't marry you for your looks?

Chattymummyhere · 19/01/2016 12:02

My husband does compliment me but I could see him using the plain Jane thing on the basis of I don't do make up. I'm very much a what you see is what you get where as my sil is very much a omg I cannot let you in the house I don't have my face on type.

I wouldn't be happy if he worded it like yours a more "to me she's lovely but to others she could be seen as a plain Jane" would be fine.

I think you need to ask him about it.

Frankmonkey · 19/01/2016 12:03

Flowers OP that would really upset me

But I wouldn't have any qualms in giving it to him with both barrels about being a nasty childish twat and discussing me so negatively on a pathetic phone app that he would have known I could see.

Helmetbymidnight · 19/01/2016 12:03

I didn't mean to be bitchy.

I do find it a bizarre solution though. You want to feel good about yourself, people, have better self-esteem?

Get your colours done or buy some make up.

Frankmonkey · 19/01/2016 12:04

NOONE deserves to be called a Plain Jane

everyone deserves to be found attractive by their partner!

I know I am not the best looking woman out there but I like to think dh loves me anyway and wouldn't dream of discussing my appearance with anyone. It sounds so...childish.

wannaBe · 19/01/2016 12:05

The thing is that we have no actual context for this conversation apart from a one liner in the op. There are at least two people on this thread who have said that their dh's aren't exactly God's gift to the physical department but that to them they are attractive to them. do people think that admitting to someone that your partner isn't exactly a fit hot attractive bloke/babe is a betrayal? Do people think that those who have said their partners are e.g. A bit over weight or short or whatever are betraying them on here? Presumably it's not a lie? But is irrelevant really as they are attracted to them anyway?

Frankmonkey · 19/01/2016 12:05

Get your colours done or buy some make up

what a useless waste of money

Its her dh who needs a slap, not the OP

Frankmonkey · 19/01/2016 12:06

if they have an inkling that their partner might actually read it, then yes, it is a betrayal.

LagunaBubbles · 19/01/2016 12:07

Spa Day? For the love of god Hmm

OP thats so hurtful. What I dont get though is you say its on an app you can see - does that mean your DH would know you would see what he said about you?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 19/01/2016 12:08

Spa day? Get your colours done? A person should love themselves and be loved for who they are. No man would ever be advised to do such nonsense if he felt under appreciated. Even pandering to social ideals of 'made up' and 'beautiful' doesn't change the fact her husband can't compliment beyond 'nice' and 'okay'. A person may not be the most beautiful in the world, but they should be told they are by their partner once in a while. If the person supposedly closest to you can't make you feel amazing about yourself, regardless of the 'truth', what's the point?

ouryve · 19/01/2016 12:12

If my husband told me I was beautiful, I'd take his temperature. There's no need for it.

LordOfMisrule · 19/01/2016 12:15

wannaBe Grin Well they do say that ignorance is bliss!

Frankmonkey · 19/01/2016 12:17

I'm pretty sure my Dh has never said I am beautiful, but tbh its not something I am looking out for. I love it if he says 'you are clever' or when he laughs at things I say. He may have said I was sexy etc when we first started going out. Sometimes he says 'you look nice' or that something suits you.I know I've put on a good couple of stone since we first met but I would still be gutted if he called me a Plain Jane to a friend and I got to hear about it.

I know some women have to be called beautiful and attractive all the time my sister but I am not one of them.

MissPiggySeeksFrogwithGSOH · 19/01/2016 12:18

I am not beautiful either but I wouldn't want to go out with a man who considered me plain.

There's a pot for every lid and some men will find me more attractive than 'plain' so why would you do that to yourself, intentionally.

babyboomersrock · 19/01/2016 12:19

I read the conversation. It was just two men discussing their wives, one said his was good looking, the other said his was plain. It was on an app that we're both on, so I wasn't spying or anything

Why on earth would men discuss their wives' appearance in this way? It just seems so juvenile. And if one is described as "good looking" and one "plain" then it's hard to see anything very positive about your husband's description.

I can imagine how hurtful it must have been to read, OP.

Dontunderstand01 · 19/01/2016 12:22

Spa day?! Ffs

OP - perhaps speaking to your dh might help? He might not have realised how hurtful he was being? Based on one comment I would give the benefit of doubt.

travellinghopefully12 · 19/01/2016 12:23

I think it's a very hurtful thing to say, but as other people say it depends how he meant it. I would be furious and devastated if my boyfriend said that to a stranger. We've spoken to one another about not finding certain things about one another attractive (weight issues etc) and addressed them in a sensitive way, but 'plain Jane' to me, sounds kind of damning.

Then again, Jane Eyre was the original plain jane and if you look at depictions of her in film and stuff she is gorgeous - just in a low key, mousey kind of way.

wannaBe · 19/01/2016 12:23

"Why on earth would men discuss their wives' appearance in this way? It just seems so juvenile. And if one is described as "good looking" and one "plain" then it's hard to see anything very positive about your husband's description." well, women on here discuss their partner's inadequacies quite freely and people don't seem to think they're juvanile for doing so, or is that just because it's on a public anonymous platform where everyone the man isn't likely to see it...?

Frankmonkey · 19/01/2016 12:24

I don't think I've ever discussed dh's looks with anyone.

Jibberjabberjooo · 19/01/2016 12:24

Oh it's spa day bingo!

BuggersMuddle · 19/01/2016 12:25

I think it's very hurtful actually. If you want to describe yourself as plain that's all good and well but a bit different to use the word about your DP. What possible need is there describe a DP in those terms anyway - there are plenty of ways of providing a truthful description without using language that could be misconstrued.

SevenOfNineTrue · 19/01/2016 12:26

This all depends on how he meant the word plain.

When I was young, using the word 'plain' to describe someone meant unattractive / ugly. However as other PP's have said, it could mean no make up etc.

I think you know how he meant it.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 19/01/2016 12:27

My DH is far from perfect but he does at least say nice things to me sometimes - including "beautiful, lovely" blah, blah, blah. I realise that objectively speaking I'm possibly not exactly these things, at least now I've hit the big 5-O, but in the moment you kind of feel it's true which is nice.
It's kind of an essential really isn't it?