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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to find me attractive?

191 replies

Curlywurlycat · 19/01/2016 10:48

He has said that I'm a plain Jane. He hasn't said it to me, he said it to someone else and I found out. He has never been the complimentary type (he said my wedding dress was "okay") and he's never told me that I'm gorgeous or beautiful or anything like that. If I dress up, I have to ask him for an opinion. (The answer is usually "nice").

I'm not gorgeous, far from it, but to say that I'm plain? That hurts.

I haven't told him that I know. I finding it hard to even look at him because all I can think is that he's looking at my face and thinking of how dull he thinks I look.

Am I over-reacting with this? It's knocked the confidence out of me (not that I had much to begin with).

OP posts:
kissmethere · 19/01/2016 16:28

Pmsl at the spa day! Sorry op. He sounds like a shallow dickhead.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 19/01/2016 16:40

*Oh come on

Look at the facts*

On mumsnet? Wink

Wagglebees · 19/01/2016 17:03

An ex told me he'd told his mate I was a plain Jane. Whilst we were having sex. Confused Apparently he meant I didn't have any facial features that stood out and I was very unreasonable for getting upset.

I've been called beautiful, sexy, bonny, pretty etc by both make and female people and I think I'm pretty ok looking but it stung.

But then he was an emotionally abusive fucker who often compared me unfavourably to other women so...

Helmetbymidnight · 19/01/2016 17:14

"Dh thinks Kate winslett is plain by which he means very attractive?"

Er. What?

Wagglebees · 19/01/2016 17:20

Actuall now that memories of that unpleasant relationship have been stirred up I remember slowly losing my confidence as little comments chipped away at it. So it's not just the plain comment it's all those other things he's said or hasn't said. Does he pay you attention, listen to you and care about what you're saying, do thoughtful little things? Because if not then I suspect he's been chipping away at you too and that's why you're not confident. I'd honestly take a step back and have a really good look at how things are. Be honest with yourself because if he's the one destroying your confidence then you have to get rid of him. No-one has the right to do that.

MLGs · 19/01/2016 17:23

I assumed spa day was a joke.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 19/01/2016 17:48

Lots of mental gymnastics going on here. I hope you're not overwhelmed by the pages of elaborate theorising

HairySubject · 19/01/2016 18:09

I didn't realise plain meant ugly, I just thought it was average looking. Nothing special but not ugly.

Helmetbymidnight · 19/01/2016 18:11

Then you never watched 'Neighbours' in the 1980s

HairySubject · 19/01/2016 18:27

Nope, I wasn't born till 86.

myusernamewastaken · 19/01/2016 18:43

Why all the sarky comments on the 'spa day' suggestion.....ive got one booked with some friends in April and i cant wait....

Katenka · 19/01/2016 18:54

Then you never watched 'Neighbours' in the 1980s

I did, but still didn't know plain was an insult.

Helmetbymidnight · 19/01/2016 19:02

Really?

Oddly, being called plain was on 'come dine with me' this evening! Plain as in - the not attractive kind of plain rather than the very attractive kind of plain.

biscuitz72 · 19/01/2016 19:10

Sophia: Yes, we are still together. At least he was honest (he did ask if I would rather he lied, which I wouldn't). He says that he fell in love with the person I am and although he's attracted to me because of that; I'm nothing special in the looks department. He doesn't really do compliments and never tells me I look good; I guess I've just got used to it and I try not to let it bother me anymore.
On the other hand: he regularly makes me a cuppa, he lets me stay overnight with friends and few times a year whilst he watches the kids and he puts the bins out for me.

OP, talk to him about it. Tell him how it made you feel, but as others have said, if he's good to you in other ways I wouldn't worry about it too much.

LagunaBubbles · 19/01/2016 19:17

myusernamewastaken

A spa day is the answer to every one of life's ills and woes according to some people.

toffeeboffin · 19/01/2016 19:21

The most disturbing thing about this whole scenario is the fact that he was discussing it online with his friend.

Didn't know men actually do that over the age of 13.

BathtimeFunkster · 19/01/2016 19:25

On the other hand: he regularly makes me a cuppa, he lets me stay overnight with friends and few times a year whilst he watches the kids and he puts the bins out for me.

Wow, bare minimum from a man who openly told you he thinks you're a minger.

When you fall in love with someone, they become beautiful to you. Even if they weren't before and that's not why you fell for them (it never is really).

Only1scoop · 19/01/2016 19:36

Biscuit that's a really sad post.

And that he 'lets you' stay with your friends.

abbieanders · 19/01/2016 19:59

Why all the sarky comments on the 'spa day' suggestion

It should really be obvious that if your husband calls you plain, the answer isn't to find a way to improve your appearance.

Sunnybitch · 19/01/2016 20:14

biscuit he puts the bins out for you sorry but that comes across like he thinks he's doing you a favour...hope I'm wrong

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/01/2016 20:20

I don't think Biscuit's post is that sad. My Dad was always showering my Mum with compliments and he was big on romantic gestures.

But I don't think he ever put the bins out or made her a cup of tea in fifty years of marriage.

DH isn't one for the complimements. He's always loving and respectful though. And yes, he puts the bins out.

Sallystyle · 19/01/2016 20:29

It's possible to have both.

A man who compliments you and makes you feel beautiful, while putting the bins out, making cups of teas and being a genuinely loving husband and father.

There is a difference between not complimenting someone often and telling your wife she only looks OK in her wedding dress and calling her plain to his friend.

wiltingfast · 19/01/2016 20:38

Ffs there's an awful lot of angst and overblown analysis on this thread.

Not everyone is good looking.

Sops such as you are good looking to me, are just that, sops. Some may even say hypocritical.

Does no one here have a plain partner?

Is no one here plain?

It is not a cardinal sin to think your partner plain.

It need not mean anything else other than your partner is actually plain.

Plus you've all clearly frightened off the OP who hasn't been seen for some time now!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/01/2016 20:43

Hmm, I don't really get the "feeling beautiful" thing though. I'm not beautiful. Both me and DH know it. He doesn't seem to mind and I don't. My sense of self worth is in no way tied up to how attractive I am, or the pretty lies a partner might tell me.

People really believe they are gorgeous because their partner tells them so?

Sallystyle · 19/01/2016 20:51

Nah, I know I'm not beautiful. But I know he thinks I am and that is rather nice.

I am sure objectively he knows I'm just average, but he loves me and that makes him think I am beautiful. He isn't telling lies, he thinks I am beautiful because he loves me and after 10 years I'm very pleased he still lets me know that. My self worth is not tied up in how beautiful I am either but I would much rather be married to someone who shows me he thinks I'm beautiful than be with a man who tells his friends I'm plain and never compliments me.

The plain thing alone might not be such a big deal, but coupled with his lack of complimenting her it could be. Come on, how many of you would be happy if your husband said your wedding dress was just ok? Is that really the reaction you want or would expect?

And how have we clearly run off the OP? Maybe she is just busy? Perhaps the ones who are convincing her that her dh has done nothing wrong have ran her off ;)

The OP posted asking for opinions, clearly the lack of compliments and the plain thing is a big issue for her. And if she came back we might find out there is more to this, because usually when people take the time to post about it there is usually a pretty big backstory.