To expect my husband to find me attractive?

[Curlywurlycat]

He has said that I'm a plain Jane. He hasn't said it to me, he said it to someone else and I found out. He has never been the complimentary type (he said my wedding dress was "okay") and he's never told me that I'm gorgeous or beautiful or anything like that. If I dress up, I have to ask him for an opinion. (The answer is usually "nice").

I'm not gorgeous, far from it, but to say that I'm plain? That hurts.

I haven't told him that I know. I finding it hard to even look at him because all I can think is that he's looking at my face and thinking of how dull he thinks I look.

Am I over-reacting with this? It's knocked the confidence out of me (not that I had much to begin with).

Your wedding dress was OKAY??? I think a husband should think their wife is a stunner. I am not great at taking compliments but they do make me think - actually putting on that makeup and doing my hair was worth it so I'll do it again! If my husband made me feel like yours does then I think I wouldn't bother to try and look nice!

So based on having been through something similar, there's no reason to accept your own husband considering you plain. Your husband looks at you and sees a blank canvas. THAT is not something anybody should be talked in to accepting.

Well put. People do accept very little it seems. I'm personally not going to spend my life with someone who calls me plain or doesn't compliment me ever. It's not hard to tell someone they look nice. You don't have to notice appearances much to know your partner has spent time dressing up and it's rude and mean not to tell them they look good. It is also cruel not to tell your bride they look beautiful in their wedding dress. The excuses on this thread are crazy. If you are happy to be with someone like that then I'm glad it works for you, but OP isn't happy with it and the excuses people are trying to make for him are bonkers.

Because looking at someone and recognising their regular features would be thought attractive by many is nothing like looking at someone you love and seeing their familiar features lit up with the light that makes them special.

Insert love heart emotion

In my first marriage I didn't feel that way and I don't think he felt that way about me.

Now me and dh feel that way about each other and I wouldn't want it any other way. After 10 years I still get butterflies at times.. Soppy shit me!

The trouble with 'plain Jane' is that it's so often followed by a 'but [insert positive attribute]', so that it invariably seems like a negative rather than neutral.

I think OP mentioned that her H is very good looking. Sometimes men like this deliberately marry women who are not (by mainstream standards) very good looking, to bolster their own egos by being the attractive one in the relationship. He might well have told her in the early days of the relationship that he valued her kindness/intelligence/a particular skill she has - enough to keep her happy - but at some level he set the limits: he is the attractive one and her role is to be the 'what on earth does he see in her' partner. He may be getting nastier about it as he gets older and his looks fade - if he gains weight or goes bald or whatever, this will scare and upset him and if he is basically selfish, it will make him unpleasant to be around.

Only OP knows what the relationship is really like. FWIW I am seeing a man who is not conventionally good looking (to be blunt he is short, chubby, balding and wears glasses) but my whole day lights up when he walks into a room. I am older than him, chubby myself and have always been a bit on the odd/plain side, but he fancies and admires me. We don't go on about each other's looks much but we do make each other feel good about ourselves in general.

I think SolidGoldBrass makes a good point. The husband comes across to me as vain and that he sees his wife as a foil to his attractiveness.

Personally I think the term "plain Jane" used about your wife is incredibly disrespectful and dismissive. I really don't agree that the common usage understanding of it is "natural looking". It's a pejorative description, it basically means unattractive, and is not one you would expect someone who loved you and had a sexual relationship with you to use. I totally understand why the OP is upset by it.

I would say you have every right to feel upset. I am plain and I would not expect my fiance to say I am drop dead gorgeous when I am clearly not but he makes it very obvious he finds me attractive and compliments me.

However if another bloke was complimentary about his wife I would hope your DH would reply with a compliment about you rather than a disparaging remark. To say how much he loves you or he finds you attractive.

I've just got engaged and I would be beyond upset if my fiance tells me I only look "ok" when we get married.

Regardless of you being attractive or plain your DH should make you feel loved and desired. He should make it clear he fancies you and finds you attractive.

I think his actions are very cruel and I am so sorry he makes you feel the way you do.

What I would do is bring him down a peg or two and makes sure hes not as attractive as he thinks he is (assuming he thinks you have punched above your weight)
Secondly, plain is good least your not caked in makeup.

I've always interpreted plain (Jane) as meaning exactly that - plain; not ugly. In our looks-defined (at least, for women) world, it's still clearly not meant kindly, but it's not in the same league as 'ugly'. And I'm 42, I well remember Neighbours.

Having said that, for your husband to say it is just so way off what I'd expect a romantic/life-partner ever to say, even to someone else.

OP, if you're still reading - I hope you're OK.

Actually, thinking about it, Jane from Neighbours is a bit of a red herring. The actress playing her was so clearly beautiful, that they had to go totally overboard to get the audience to see her as anything else.

BathtimeFunkster I love you a little bit right now :)

Because of my striking good looks, of course 👹

What Goldbrass said. My Dad's best mate looked like Aidan whatshisface from Poldark. His wife was lovely: and average looking. She took him back every time he strayed, which my Dad reckoned a more attractive woman wouldnt/ that was her appeal, ie. He could be "the good looking one/the 'star' and have the upper hand that way". I have also talked to quite a few men at work during 20 years in very male dominated offices who said they deliberately married a plain woman as they felt she'd be loyal and let them have a long leash...those men needless to say were all confirmed womanisers with dodgy moral compass (IMO).

that is a horrible hurtful comment to make especially to someone else.
I would probably address it with him and say how hurtful it is.
He shouldnt be talking behind your back.

regardless of anything it's a mean thing to say. and under the 'think it, say it, write it' thing that they do in school .... then he thought it, most likely said it and then had the audacity to write it.

i'd've been really upset and have you mentioned it to him? it's not acceptable that he wrote that about you. if he wants to see REAL 'plain' then he can stare at a picture of me for something for his dartboard.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I would be gutted if the man I chose to share my life with didn't behold me.

That said, I'm also pretty fucked off that so much of a woman's self worth hangs on whether the rest of the world beholds her too.