To expect my husband to find me attractive?

[Curlywurlycat]

He has said that I'm a plain Jane. He hasn't said it to me, he said it to someone else and I found out. He has never been the complimentary type (he said my wedding dress was "okay") and he's never told me that I'm gorgeous or beautiful or anything like that. If I dress up, I have to ask him for an opinion. (The answer is usually "nice").

I'm not gorgeous, far from it, but to say that I'm plain? That hurts.

I haven't told him that I know. I finding it hard to even look at him because all I can think is that he's looking at my face and thinking of how dull he thinks I look.

Am I over-reacting with this? It's knocked the confidence out of me (not that I had much to begin with).

I think people should make the effort to appreciate and compliment their partner. It's not difficult. Some people are objectively more attractive than others, to strangers, but your SO should make you feel that to them you are the most attractive person in the world. Because it's not just about your features, it's about their feelings for you and they should make you feel that you are special to them. Presumably he still expects sex, it really annoys me when men are rude about their partner's appearance and then can't understand why they lack confidence and aren't in the mood.

It's not about how 'gorgeous' you actually are though, it's being made to feel good about yourself at the right moments - your wedding day for example. Even the ones who say 'my partner never tells me I'm beautiful' - would you honestly take you look 'okay' as a compliment, or accept 'well I'm a plain Jane, he might say how smart I am at some point to make up for it' on a special occasion? Because this is what it seems the poor o.p. has had for years, it seems.

As for believing your gorgeous just because your partner said so - no not always. At the moment there are days I look like crap. In my dressing gown, unbrushed hair, depending what kind of day/night I've had with our baby. My partner will say 'you look beautiful' regardless. I don't always believe him, but its what I need at that moment. 'You don't look like the made up, good time girl I met at uni, but at least your still clever' doesn't have the same good feeling, really.

Are you plain? I'm plain. It's probably not particularly thrilling to read that you have been described as a Plain Jane, but if you are, fair enough! I don't think that you should take umbrage if you are indeed plain. Your husband was probably just stating fact. It doesn't mean that he doesn't adore you, find you attractive, admires you and love you deeply, etc.

He isn't telling lies, he thinks I am beautiful because he loves me

This is what it means when they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

When you are in love with someone, they are beautiful to you.

It's not a "sop".

Talking about "objective" attractiveness is ridiculous.

Attractiveness is necessarily subjective.

I don't care how attractive other people might or might not find my DH. I think he's gorgeous.

He's lovely to me.

And I would never tell him, or anyone else, that he was a munter.

What a weird way to carry on.

"Yeah, you're pretty rank, but I'll fuck you anyway. Oh no, it's really a compliment - it means I like you for your personality."

Exactly Bathtime

Dh is not lying to me when he says I'm beautiful. He might be the only person who thinks I am but to him I am beautiful.

I'm sure you're a ride, U2

FelineLou Spa day? What a load of old bollocks!

That will sort out the lack of loyalty and love from her husband. Get her into the Elizabeth Arden spa day in John Lewis. NOT.

I have never heard anything as ridiculous. What planet are you on?

U2 "Thankfully, I have never met a man who doesn't compliment his wife when she is wearing a wedding dress or dressed up for a night out."

You've never met my DH, clearly!! In the 40 years we've been together, I can't recall ever having received an unsolicited compliment from him. He just doesn't notice people's appearance much.

There is more to attraction than physical appearance, I have never been attracted to "handsome" men, and I am sure some men feel the same about women. I feel very sad at the increasing importance society gives to physical appearance, putting tremendous pressure on young people. We are not just bodies, it is time people gave more thought to the other aspects of life. Spa day meh!

I get told a lot by friends family work colleagues that I am very pretty and I have a good figure too. DH Never tells me any of this but he just isn't the most complimentary person. It's not personal. I used to get annoyed when I'd see friends husbands write nice things under thei pictures on Facebook and mine never did. I wouldn't take it too personally if your relationship is good on other levels

I watched Neighbours in the 80s. I remember Jane being bullied at school and called Plain Jane as part of the storyline and am that anyone could have watched that and not see it as an insult.

IMO as a society we have become so obsessed with looks celeb gossip and the bullying on reality tv that we have become desensitised to it and make too many excuses for insults and insulting behaviour.

Wear zero make up. Don't touch your hair.

This is what I do most days. To see it being suggested as some kind of pointed revenge on a male partner is really quite depressing. And not in the sense that it makes me feel bad about myself. DP points out if I've got a giant wispy bit of hair sticking up off the back of my head. Not so much the front, since it happens too often. He couldn't care less, and nor could I. I am more than my physical appearance.

I'm amazed at the number of people gat don't know the UK meaning of the phrase as opposed to Aussie soap land

It does not & never has meant ugly...

MEANING OF PLAIN JANE

It was said in Jest as a finger up to the 'Spa day' replies.

Thanks Rockin Hippy.

I'm going out with the mums from school on Friday. When we do the 'you look-nice/have you done your hair thing, I'll tell them they look like plain janes.

If they look annoyed, I'll explain, hey Not so bad when compared to a fake-titted, body-pierced, tattooed slut.

it's the top answer on Google, but I have to admit, that bit did make me giggle, so I felt it worth using - the gist of the meaning is as I've always known it to be

DH thought that Kate Moss was "bit of a plain Jane" when he met her a few years back - meaning she had the sort of ordinary looks that didn't stand out to him, but she made a good blank canvas for painting up into whatever was needed for a photo shoot

This is not about looks. It's about love and respect. You don't talk like that about someone you love. Personally I wouldn't even think that way about someone I love, but I accept that people are different and he may be one of those guys who don't 'do' romance. Tells you he loves you once and then 'I'll let you know if it changes' kind of macho bullshit type.

L O L at the urban dictionary's misogynist (and inaccurate) definition of plain being the "UK" standard

Plain has been the semi-polite euphemism for an unattractive woman since before Jane Austen wrote her novels.

It does not indicate ordinary looking or unadorned.

It means unattractive.

As in "my wife is attractive", response "my wife is plain".

The context makes it clear that at the very least the mean husband does have a better grasp of English than most of his defenders.

dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/plain?q=Plain+jane (scroll down a bit)

www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/plain-jane?q=plain+jane

I think I'd go with those sources over Urban Dictionary.

OP, I can completely understand why you would feel hurt - I would, too. Surely if you love someone, you find them attractive? Perhaps you could sit down and talk to your husband about it - ask him what meant, explain how you felt and tell him that you would like to receive compliments from him. He might be horrible, or he might be clueless - but I think talking to him about it is the place to start.

I really don't think you can say to someone "I want you to start complimenting me". What is the point of that? It is just fake and forced.

Some people sure are happy to accept very little.

i went out with a man who was objectively unattractive to strangers I guess, but when I was with him I lost that objectivity which is what you want from a partner. When I saw him walking towards me smiling and I knew he was about to open his mouth and say something funny and affectionate to me, I felt like he was (holistically) very attractive to me, as a person. Inside and out. The two completely merged. I looked at his face and saw him . Then when we grew apart, I lost that subjectivity based on our connection and my objectivity returned.

So based on having been through something similar, there's no reason to accept your own husband considering you plain. Your husband looks at you and sees a blank canvas. THAT is not something anybody should be talked in to accepting.

I'm with Custard314, x a gazillion.

That would really hurt me.
I know I am plain. I wouldn't believe my husband if he said I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life, should be a supermodel, etc. But I know he finds me very attractive (god knows why but he does), and if he described me to a friend as a 'Plain Jane', it would really, really hurt.

But I know he finds me very attractive (god knows why but he does)

Because you're great.

And because he knows that he sees how attractive you are.

Because if there was a room of men and only two out of a hundred would look at you twice (what a horrible idea to come up with), he'd be one of the two.

And he'd look more than twice.

Because looking at someone and recognising their regular features would be thought attractive by many is nothing like looking at someone you love and seeing their familiar features lit up with the light that makes them special.