To expect my husband to find me attractive?

[Curlywurlycat]

He has said that I'm a plain Jane. He hasn't said it to me, he said it to someone else and I found out. He has never been the complimentary type (he said my wedding dress was "okay") and he's never told me that I'm gorgeous or beautiful or anything like that. If I dress up, I have to ask him for an opinion. (The answer is usually "nice").

I'm not gorgeous, far from it, but to say that I'm plain? That hurts.

I haven't told him that I know. I finding it hard to even look at him because all I can think is that he's looking at my face and thinking of how dull he thinks I look.

Am I over-reacting with this? It's knocked the confidence out of me (not that I had much to begin with).

I think you have to examine you whole relationship rather than at this incident. Lots of men don't compliment their wives (and vice versa) without being prompted.

If DH is otherwise loving and attentive, makes you a coffee etc and shows he cares in far more important ways, then I would just forget it.

It may be worth discussing it with him if you weren't snooping and say how hurtful it is. Maybe he will open up a bit and at least reassure you it was some male twattish thing.

I don't understand why this is such a big deal TBH. Have I missed something? He hasn't said that he finds you unattractive, just that your looks are plainer? Perhaps he just isn't so shallow & is attracted to your sparking wit, your razor sharp intellect, bubbly personality, kind heart & so much more that isn't going to fade as the years go by???

HeavyFrost OP said at the beginning,

It's knocked the confidence out of me (not that I had much to begin with).

OP you say you've not been very confident even before this incident. If you suspect he considers you as having punched above your weight, I wonder if he's made a habit of shoring up his self-esteem at the cost of yours.

Unless he counterbalanced his comment with something complimentary I think he has contradicted the usual loyalty one expects of a spouse - he will take pot shots at you.

HeavyFrost

the OP has low self confidence (according to her post), she never receives a compliment from her husband. I found the whole story very sad and stated the possible solutions to her problem, some I wouldn't realistically recommend at all.

Get down your high horse, and be realistic for a minute. Male AND female make comments about people's appearance, it has NOTHING to do with gender. (Oh, sorry, realistically, we can be more focused on a man's INCOME and a female LOOK, are you defending the poor male side as well?)

Anyway, I believe that each partner should make efforts to keep themselves as attractive as possible. Stop making it a gender issue. Are you never ever making an effort for your partner, or are you single?

What do you suggest? The OP can have a go at her husband, but she is not going to make him change what he really things by having an argument, is she?

My dh has said that he thinks Kate Winslet is plain - and by that he means very attractive but nice and natural, not too much makeup. So it;s entirely possible that your dh means something similar.

I do find it very odd that he has never complimented you and told you you're gorgeous and beautiful - I'd find that hard. I think you need to talk to him, clear the air, find out what he meant. And perhaps get him to stop discussing your appearance with friends...

Ive never understood "plain" to mean "natural", but clearly some posters do, so maybe your husband does too. I would mention it to him.

Lots of men don't compliment their wives (and vice versa) without being prompted.

Really? Lots of men don't tell their bride that their wedding dress is lovely and just say it's OK?

Thankfully, I have never met a man who doesn't compliment his wife when she is wearing a wedding dress or dressed up for a night out.

Certainly not the type of man I would want to spend my life with.

We really need more information from the OP. He could be an arse who has knocked her confidence by subtly putting her down like I described earlier. He could have meant plain to me 'low maintenance' He may have known she would have read that message or he may not have thought she would read it. Come on OP where are you? :)

OP my heart goes out to you.
What a totally callous and horrible thing to say, to someone else or to your face.
I cannot understand how any person cannot find their OH gorgeous.
It is so sad
Define beautiful anyway - it is very much in the eye of the beholder and if your man adored and loved you the way he ought to, you would be his goddess, his beautiful woman, even if you were 2 ft tall, with green skin and warts on your back!
He's the loser - NOT YOU. I bet your friends and other family, people who love you dearly, think you're gorgeous

OP

Can you give us some greater insight as to why this conversation came about in the first place? It seems absolutely bizarre. What sort of app?

Everyone who loves you thinks you're beautiful.

first of all, not many people commit to a long term relationship if love isn't there.

secondly, plain doesn't always mean unattractive. It could mean: understated, confident.

Thirdly: are you happy with yourself?

fourth: are you more than your looks? (I suspect you are)

I would be a bit hurt but don't get the big deal people make out of this.

Why is it sad to not find one's partner gorgeous? I have told my female friends that my DH is nothing special to look at in fact he is funny-looking. I don't tell him that to his face but he knows what he looks like. That doesn't undermine how much I admire his other qualities like intellect and humour. I'm sure he knows that his looks are not the reason I'm attracted to him.

Some men are more blunt than others and I'd think quite a few are not good at complimenting. OP's husband might just think he's stating the objective truth and I can't see how that is cruel if he didn't think OP would see it.

"Why is it sad to not find one's partner gorgeous?"

My thoughts exactly. Plain or ugly people would never get married if it was all about looks, and that would be a very sad thing indeed.

Maybe looks are not important to your DH. But his words were hurtful to you and that IS important and you should make sure that he knows how you feel.

Confront him? About what? A conversation he had with a mate?

I think the OP is too focussed on looks as if that is the only possible value she has.

OP there must be way more going on in this relationship than whether you are objectively good looking or not?

Alice, the OP said she didn't have much confidence. She didn't say that her low confidence was because she didn't like what she looked like. It may well be because she's married to someone thoroughly unpleasant who doesn't appreciate her, it may be down to something completely different.

You're simply reinforcing the obsession with female self-worth being based on what you look like when you tell a woman who is upset because her husband has told another man she is a 'plain Jane' that she should get a make-over because it's her duty to be attractive for her partner. (No mention in your first post about whether she thought her husband was attractive, or whether he made an effort to be so for her?)

And enough with the ad hominem questions. By which you amply demonstrate my points - if I were a hairy-legged, battle-browed spinster, would my point of view be any less valid than that of a lasered, fake-baked married gym bunny? Or would the former mean I was low on confidence because I hadn't managed to bag a chap???

Honestly.

Ynbu. I'm not surprised you're hurt. I don't know about hurt. I'd be nuclear.

But so forget he chose you as his partner. I doubt anyone forced him to go out with you and indeed marry you so he must feel some attraction.

Beetle-browed spinster.

I would be hurt too, women want to be seen as attractive to their partners. I think 'fancying' someone and loving them is different. Personally I think after years of marriage the lust is driven by love not looks anyway.

I don't think it matters what he said, more that he said something, possibly unkind we aren't sure how he meant it, behind the op's back to a friend and its hurt her.

Plain does not mean "natural beauty who wears no make up", it is a polite way of saying a woman is ugly and unattractive.

If a man describes his wife as "attractive" and another man resounds that his is "plain", only someone who thinks the OP is stupid would try to pretend he meant that as anything other than an insult.

Attractive covers a multitude - it just means you fancy someone.

So the answer should have been something that indicated that his wife was also attractive, if he felt that way.

What he chose to say was that she was not attractive, but actually unattractive.

And that is a horrible thing to think about your wife, never mind say it to other people.

Bathtimefunkster - obviously you know the OP's DH, to be able to make sweeping statements categorically stating what he must have meant. Codswallop.

Interpreting what others mean, without knowing whatsoever - and stating it as fact - is most definitely - stupid....not to mention kind in this particular context.

Oh come on

Look at the facts.

He told her she looked OK in her wedding dress. He never compliments her, even when she has gone to the effort of dressing up. He has never told her she is beautiful or gorgeous or looks nice. And that is all normal and ok in your eyes?

Then to top that off, he talks to another man on an app they both access and says his wife is plain while the other man says his wife is attractive.

I'm pretty sure that he is just an arse and one of the reasons why OP has no confidence. I will happily apologise if I'm off track but I don't think I am.

Put the whole thing together and it doesn't look good at all. It is not normal to never tell your partner they look beautiful or lovely or not to compliment her on her wedding dress. It takes seconds to tell someone they look nice and there is no excuse for it.

The word plain has a very clear meaning. The length people are going to to pretend he just have meant something other than he said is a bit cringey.

Maybe he meant his wife was a pint of plain?

And that he loved her as much as he loves beer?

I too would be gutted if my h was saying such negative things about me. Husband and wife are meant to be a team, to back each other up. Each of them are meant to feel that they are damned lucky to have the other (yes, in a long term relationship there will be ups and downs but what the OP has described is not OK).

AFAI can see, the H has a lot of explaining, apologising, and changing of ways to do.