To expect my husband to find me attractive?

[Curlywurlycat]

He has said that I'm a plain Jane. He hasn't said it to me, he said it to someone else and I found out. He has never been the complimentary type (he said my wedding dress was "okay") and he's never told me that I'm gorgeous or beautiful or anything like that. If I dress up, I have to ask him for an opinion. (The answer is usually "nice").

I'm not gorgeous, far from it, but to say that I'm plain? That hurts.

I haven't told him that I know. I finding it hard to even look at him because all I can think is that he's looking at my face and thinking of how dull he thinks I look.

Am I over-reacting with this? It's knocked the confidence out of me (not that I had much to begin with).

Pmsl at the comment regarding the spa day!

OP, your husband was incredibly hurtful to you regarding this comment - assuming he meant plain as in unattractive rather than plain as in 'natural/no makeup'.

I would confront him, it can't be healthy if he does think you are punching above your weight, as you said in your update. You shouldn't have to deal with this horrible blow to your self esteem from someone who is meant to love and support you.

A spa day? Unbelievable.

He has damaged your self esteem so you need to put that right

What? By going and 'dolling herself up' for him.

Possibly one of the most 'little woman', worst pieces of advice, I have read one here.

show him the bills [for the spa days]

Ffs.

Are you sure he doesn't mean that you are natural looking ie don't wear much make up, dress casual??? Could that be the case, there is a lot of difference in how people present themselves I think.

I am a bit inbetween, will put on a bit of make up in the week so not to scare others but will dress up do full face of make up for any social event or meeting people. Some of my friends are fully done at all times (hair, nails, clothes) while others literally roll out of bed into the same pair of jeans day after day.

He must find you attractive otherwise how did you end up together in the first place?

I think you need a SPA day

Ahh the Mumsnet panacea for all ills.

I think who ever wrote this shite needs a no-expenses spare cop yourself on day

I wonder, if someone started a thread saying "is your dh/DP physically hot/attractive/gorgeous?" Would everyone say "yes, he is incredibly sexy/beautiful... Not many I would like to bet.

The point I am trying to make is that there is a difference between physical attractiveness and physical attraction. If your dh was saying that you were ugly that would be one thing, but what he has said is that you are plain, that doesn't mean that you're ugly, but maybe stunning is another level which tbh most of us aren't. I've been in a relationship with someone who used to constantly tell me I was beautiful, One day I asked him whether he genuinely meant that, and he said no, but saying it seemed like the right thing to do. I would never want someone to say I was beautiful just because they felt it was the right thing to do, it would be for all the wrong reasons. All that would matter would be that he was physically attracted to me, if he can deal with who I am on the outside then all the better. .

I've also been in the opposite scenario where I overheard people talking about me saying that because I wasn't attractive I would most likely never find a husband, especially as I am VI as well. That didn't fill me with self confidence either tbh, but actually, whether someone is a super model on the outside or not doesn't change the person they actually are. So what is important is whether you feel that your dh is attracted to you, and if he does, whether he thinks you look like a super model or whether he is more attracted to someone who is more plain is surely all that counts.

Are you sure he doesn't mean that you are natural looking ie don't wear much make up, dress casual???

That's what I was thinking. Dh would describe his sister as 'glam' as she is always dressed up, full make up etc. It isn't a comment on how attractive she is.

You need to speak to him OP but I get the impression that you don't want him to know you have seen this

Plain Jane is a term you don't really hear much at all these days but was used a lot when I was young. If the DH is 40+ especially there is no way he has used it to describe just not wearing make up.

He is incredibly cruel op and it's a way of keeping you down.

I wonder, if someone started a thread saying "is your dh/DP physically hot/attractive/gorgeous?" Would everyone say "yes, he is incredibly sexy/beautiful... Not many I would like to bet.

Point well made! Mine's too fat, not particularly tall, scruffy and beardy, and legally blind. But I bloody love him anyway, and wouldn't rather look at any other man.

Can you give anymore about context of conversation Op?

I would be very hurt.

I think you need to have a chat with him about it. Tell him how it has wounded you.

I have been guilty of making jokes/teasing about my loved ones to get a laugh. (I don't anymore). Was it that, do you think?

Dictionary says there are two definitions of plain jane.

"not fancy or glamorous" or "An unattractive girl or woman"

Which did he mean?

Also: why is the OP dancing around restating exactly what was said? I hate it when people take one word or phrase or give no context? What EXACTLY did he say? What was it in response to? How did the other guy respond? Words are said in context and if you want anything other than default mumsnet LTB, then it matters.

But if you want LTB: leave him! He's a bastard!!

op

I would be gutted and shocked if my DH had said something like that. He is your partner, he is supposed to lift you up, not drag you down

Talk to him. Fair enough if he's not big on compliments; some people aren't. But he needs to know how hurt you are and to have a big kick up the arse realise he needs to start being a bit kinder to (supposedly) the most important person in his life.

He is incredibly cruel op and it's a way of keeping you down.

He didn't say it to her. So while I agree it's upsetting, he hasn't tried to bring her down.

I'm also surprised people think natural and plain could possibly be the same.

I think you are confusing finding someone attractive/sexy and whether they are objectively beautiful/attractive. They aren't the same. Not everyone is objectively attractive; some people are plain.

No idea what you look like but if you are plain, there comes a point in life when you have to be mature enough accept it. Like accepting you are aging or overweight or whatever. You can't seriously expect a partner to pretend you are stunningly beautiful/young/skinny if it's not true!! A kind person will maybe dodge the issue or tell a few white lies - but that's not everyone's cup of tea.

And what's so bad about plain anyway? It's not saying "ugly"! It's just saying very average - not too awful. It's very unlikely that even if you are "plain" that there aren't men who find you attractive.

I had a long term bf who (excluding my DH obviously!) was possibly the sexiest, most attractive man I'd ever met. He really wasn't handsome at all. He was kind of funny looking really - sticking out ears amongst other things - but his personality made him really attractive and super-sexy to me.

So first I'd say, even if he said that and it's what he thinks, it's actually not as bad as it sounds - he may find you very very attractive nonetheless.

Second, the main issue here is the betrayal factor. It is unkind of him to say that about you behind your back. That's the worse bit here and that is compounding your upset. I think you do need to address it with him.

Sorry you are feeling down and agree that something that will make you feel better about yourself is not a bad idea - whatever that is - maybe get your colours done or have a makeup lesson but only if you'd enjoy it and think you would feel better.

Failing that I would LTB and find somebody who will realise how lucky they are

DH is short, hairy, a bit overweight and kind of funny-looking. I still love and fancy him. Your DH might be able to say you're not supermodel pretty (very few of us are) and still fancy you to pieces. I remember having a conversation with a male friend years ago where he said about a girl he'd me 'She's not classically fit but I fancy her.' They're still together and very much in love 15 years later and there is absolutely no sense of something missing in their relationship.

How is your sex life, OP? Do you feel loved and desired in your DH's actions?

In any case since you've read it you might have to ask your DH about it. Certainly if he's called you 'plain Jane' frankly in a conversation he knew you had a good chance of reading that's pretty thoughtless and something to pull him up on. Otherwise it's just going to eat away at you.

LordOfMisrule it's because mine is virtually blind that he can state that I am beautiful. God help me if he ever got his sight back. .

'Get your colours done'

Is that the new go to a spa?

All he had to say is 'She's lovely...well I like her...she's .... anything'. It was without doubt a terrible choice of words.

But it might not reflect what he really feels.

I agree that what he means is you don't need make-up layered on with a trowel and fancy clothes. He likes you the way you are or else why would he have married you. But it's still a bit annoying if he actually said that to someobody in so many words. He probably didn't and someone is just trying to stir up trouble. But tackle him about it if it would make you feel better.

There is something here that is so sad.

You said until you saw it written down you didn't know what he thought of you ?! He is your husband . This is not what a relationship is meant to be like. Sorry.

I'd make sure when you get home get a T shirt with JANE in big letters across the front Wear zero make up. Don't touch your hair.

Then turn round and let him see the
'FUCK OFF'

Printed on the back.