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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my husband to find me attractive?

191 replies

Curlywurlycat · 19/01/2016 10:48

He has said that I'm a plain Jane. He hasn't said it to me, he said it to someone else and I found out. He has never been the complimentary type (he said my wedding dress was "okay") and he's never told me that I'm gorgeous or beautiful or anything like that. If I dress up, I have to ask him for an opinion. (The answer is usually "nice").

I'm not gorgeous, far from it, but to say that I'm plain? That hurts.

I haven't told him that I know. I finding it hard to even look at him because all I can think is that he's looking at my face and thinking of how dull he thinks I look.

Am I over-reacting with this? It's knocked the confidence out of me (not that I had much to begin with).

OP posts:

HPsauciness · 19/01/2016 12:28

It must have been hurtful to read...but

He didn't say it to you, he said it to others, just as I might say my husband is absolutely huge (which he is) to others. I wouldn't say it in that blunt way to his face.

I think there is often a bit of cloudiness around just how hot you think your partner is- I find my husband attractive, but objectively he's very overweight and not as handsome as he was, quite dramatically so. If he read this comment on a website, he may be devastated to see it written down, but I don't think I am wrong for writing it.

I also think that you can objectively see someone's flaws, in that they are not conventionally good-looking, but still find them personally attractive.

It is such a shame you saw this conversation written down, plenty of my female friends have discussed things like their husband getting a pot belly, being less attractive as the years go on or acknowledging they were never that great looking (to others)in the first place. They love their husbands- this stuff just shouldn't be written down for the person, because they are part of an overall package of marriage which might not stand up to the scrutiny of having to think your partner is exceptionally hot and attractive your entire married life (I just know some people will now come along and say they feel like that about their partners, great, but objectively many of us are less than great-looking but still have fulfilling and good marriages.

I think I would confess all, say you saw this exchange, are deeply hurt and see what he has to say.

BackInTheRealWorld · 19/01/2016 12:32

You don't have to be 'good looking' to be attractive to someone. My last two partners were not handsome in the conventional sense but I found them very attractive because of who they were and what they were about.
Until they turned into arseholes and we split up of course and then I could see them for the ugly shitheads they were...

HairySubject · 19/01/2016 12:33

I can see why that is upsetting, but being truthful I myself am the ugly side of plain, I think there are very few people that are stunning.

Sallystyle · 19/01/2016 12:33

I would be gutted if my husband called me plain. I am just an average looking woman but I know he wouldn't describe me as plain and he makes sure I know how beautiful he thinks I am and we have been married 10 years. Objectively, I'm sure he knows I'm just average but I can't ever imagine him saying so, especially not in an app that I'm also on and knows I might read.

Does he put you down often? You say he doesn't compliment you ever, but my mum was with a man who didn't offer her compliments and slowly he started putting her down, very subtly at first but his lack of compliments weren't just his personality but a way of trying to make her feel shit about herself. Could that be happening in your marriage? Did he know you would read that message?

You have never known his opinion of you until now? That's not really normal.

You need to talk to him

Sallystyle · 19/01/2016 12:34

He didn't say it to you, he said it to others, just as I might say my husband is absolutely huge (which he is) to others. I wouldn't say it in that blunt way to his face.

OP said she wasn't spying, it was an app they are both on, which I assume means that he knew she would read it?

Sallystyle · 19/01/2016 12:37

Sorry for the three posts!

BTW I would not want to be with someone who could only say my wedding dress looks okay and never tells me I look lovely when I'm dressed up. I don't expect compliments all the time but it's just normal to tell the person you love that they look beautiful when they are in their wedding dress isn't it? Or tell them they look good when they have dressed up for a special occasion.

HPsauciness · 19/01/2016 12:39

I thought it sounded more like he forgot she could also access it. The men were having a conversation about the attractiveness of their wives, it doesn't sound like they were thinking they would read it- if that were the case, then it would be very cruel indeed. I suspect it was more like what would happen if my husband peered over my shoulder or used my computer when MN was open- it's not designed to hurt anyone, but could still hurt them nevertheless.

Diddlydokey · 19/01/2016 12:45

I would be very hurt. I want my husband to fancy me and calling me plain surely couldn't equate to him fancying me.

When you're in a marriage/ltr the whole package should make you fancy your partner and not use language like that about them.

MotherKat · 19/01/2016 12:45

This seems a bit odd tbh.
I'm a 4, DH is a solid 8, he didn't marry me for my looks, of your DH has never been that complimentary about your appearance then he probably feels you have other qualities.
Why not sit down and ask if he forgot you could see the app? Let him know he hurt your feelings.

timemaychangeme · 19/01/2016 12:45

I don't think you are over-reacting at all. And what you look like isn't the issue. As others have said, Plenty of us aren't conventionally attractive but our partners are attracted to us and us to them.

No to a spa day, no to colours etc. This isn't about you. I think I'd tell him you saw what he'd written and feel gutted and hurt. Without knowing what your relationship is like and how he treats you etc, it's hard to know whether it was just a tactless, stupid thing he didn't really mean, or something deeper.

Diddlydokey · 19/01/2016 12:46

I agree with all of this.

TooSassy · 19/01/2016 12:51

I don't understand the context still. Or how the OP saw this exchange.

Op, were you in a messaging group...so he wrote it knowing you'd see it?

Was there banter leading up to it?

I imagine this is incredibly hurtful. But I can also imagine a scenario where a bunch of us friends are having banter and one of us says in response 'absolutely, because x is such a looker (not). Meant totally tongue in cheek.

Not saying it's not hurtful and if it's been said then he first thing you need to do is call him on it and explain that you found it incredibly hurtful.

He married you OP. I'm sure he finds you attractive!

biscuitz72 · 19/01/2016 12:53

Similar thing happened to me about 8yrs ago. I stupidly asked my other half if he thought I was attractive and he replied "No". When I asked why, he replied "Well, you're no model, are you?" So, silly me persued this, and asked him how he saw me. Did he see me as cute, pretty, ugly, gorgeous, sexy, plain (as in plain jane) and his reply was "Well, you're nothing special to look at so I'd say that you are plain looking, and by that I mean that if you were stood in a line of a 100 women, most men wouldn't really give you a second glance". My reply was that I wasn't asking for the average man's opinion, just his, but he couldn't seem to separate the 2.

Greyponcho · 19/01/2016 12:57

Is there a chance that he means that you're not high maintenance? I.e. Not someone who hogs the bathroom for hours each time you go out, more of a natural beauty?
He obviously finds it as an attractive feature otherwise he wouldn't have married you... doesn't matter how much you're into someone's personality, you've got to find them attractive too & he married you.
Maybe he doesn't realise that sometimes some women like to be told they're pretty, whereas others would find it insulting - make sure he knows you're in the first group

Alicewasinwonderland · 19/01/2016 12:58

It sounds terribly hurtful. It's sad that you are with someone who never told you that you were beautiful, but that's your choice.

You can either break up with him and find someone else who would appreciate you and find you pretty. That sounds so drastic, I am not sure I would do it to be honest (but then I wouldn't be with someone like him in the first place).

You can just get on with your life, and be miserable.

You can make changes, and become someone that YOU find attractive. It's not that difficult. I'm not gorgeous, far from it Honestly, a new haircut/ colour, maybe tone your body a bit (I don't know you, but I am taking a wild guess here) , new clothes and that 's all you need. The most attractive people don't necessary have a perfect face, it's about the whole picture, and we all have different tastes.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/01/2016 13:07

A few years ago, DH and I were staying with another couple. DH and my mate's husband went out for a walk while my friend and I stayed in. When they came back DH and my mate's husband were joking about all the attractive young women they'd been chatting on to (mate's husband was a SAHD so had lots of female friends).

When I objected mildly, mate's husband said, "Oh don't worry Tink, me and your DH prefer homely women".

When me and my mate had stopped battering him, he claimed that "homely" to him meant "natural unglammed beauty"

it's quite possible your DH is thinking on similar lines.

HeavyFrost · 19/01/2016 13:07

Alice, the two silliest contributions to the thread so far (and I'm including yours) seem to fail to see that the OP isn't asking how she can doll herself up to become someone she 'finds attractive'. She doesn't have a problem with her self-esteem, or her own looks, she has a problem with her husband's cruel remark about her looks in the context of some kind of insulting male 'banter' online. The problem is not what she looks like, the problem is nothing to do with her, it stems from a culture of male entitlement to comment freely on female looks. Can you not grasp that the answer to any problem is not for the woman to have a makeover?

HeavyFrost · 19/01/2016 13:09

I'm also a bit at the lengths some posters are going to in order to explain away what the OP's husband apparently said.

Ipsos · 19/01/2016 13:09

I wouldn't mind if my dh said this about me. I hope that he married more for more than just my face.

TheVeryThing · 19/01/2016 13:13

Will people please stop suggesting ways the op can improve her appearance?That is totally inappropriate!

I can't imagine discussing my husband's looks with any of my friends tbh, I find that very odd.

I would never comment negatively about his appearance to someone else. I would view that as a bit mean and very disloyal.

I'm not beautiful and I don't think my husband has ever described me as such but I know he finds me attractive and does pay me compliments.

If the person who shares your life can't see the best in you, then it's pretty poor, really.

sofiahelins · 19/01/2016 13:13

Good god biscuitz I hope you're not still with that twat?

specialsubject · 19/01/2016 13:15

how very immature to be discussing looks at all. And he's doing 'compare the wife' on an app?

weird as something very weird.

looks don't matter, and they all sag south anyway.

bodenbiscuit · 19/01/2016 13:19

YANBU

Who on earth feels the need to 'objectively' describe their partner to someone else in this way? I think it shows a lack of respect personally.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 19/01/2016 13:22

You need to confront him op. If he meant it in a negative way then he isn't worth your time. Do not start spa daying and glamming. Unless you want to of course. My dh knows I want him to love ME not what I look like but he does think I look nice and will say so if we go out etc. Your dh should at least do that.

BolshierAryaStark · 19/01/2016 13:22

Was it a Watsap exchange between friends?
Either way it is hurtful as no one wants to be described as plain, especially not by DH.
We can all try to guess/explain away what he meant OP but the only person who can give you the definite answer is him, so ask.

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