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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thumb sucking at 30?

210 replies

TwostepsA1 · 13/01/2016 12:23

Hello all, feeling mean and confused...but really want to know AIBU?

Girlfriend of 16 months (whom I love and want to have children with) still sucks here thumb, a lot. The first thing she does most evening on returning home from work is go up stairs get blanket (yep there is also a blanket.) comes back down stairs and sucks thumb...this will go on all evening...then in bed, then on going to sleep to the sound of sucking thumb I will awake in the morning to if being the first thing I see..lovely girlfriend, then thumb and blanket (the blanket smell awful as well, like horrible) It's starting to drive me crazy...to the point where I block the view so I can't see it going on or leave the room or distract myself with reading or whatever...I feel it kills conversation, it's a huge barrier between us and it kills my libidoI dead. I just can't seem to get away from it...even in the car...Now the part were I feel like a mean one comes to my knowing there are anxiety issues and this is a comfort thing that makes her feel better...

But it is driving me to the edge, I have talked about it very directly and at times harshly of late as nothing changes..promises have been made in the past, like I'll stop, or have tried to compromise like limiting it to bed time (sleeping)! She knows I hate it....and becoming a big issue...

OP posts:
AliceScarlett · 13/01/2016 12:30

Well you can't make her stop, so either accept it, or leave her. Can't be easy though, does she want to stop?

MagpieCursedTea · 13/01/2016 12:31

It sounds like something that isn't going to change. You've spoken to her about it and she has told you that it's something to does to deal with anxiety, I think you need to decide if it's a deal breaker for you.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 13/01/2016 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Saukko · 13/01/2016 12:33

Ugh.

I wouldn't be able to put up with that either, but then I wouldn't have let things get to 16 months. It's the kind of thing you flag on the first date. Thumb-sucking and stinky-blanket holding should have gone the way of wearing nappies and eating purée off a colourful plastic spoon.

She will only stop if she herself wishes to, you can't make her. As above; you deal or you go. But it's gross. I'm leaning towards go.

Queenbean · 13/01/2016 12:33

I loved sucking my thumb, I gave it up for straight teeth but could so easily go back to it even now

If it was between you or the thumb, the thumb would win every time

Notso · 13/01/2016 12:43

I sucked my thumb complete with comforter until I was pg with DC1. Although I didn't really do it in front of DH much. DC1 is nearly 16 and I could easily go back to it. In fact very recently we got a new bed cover that feels similar to my old comforter, and I found myself really craving it.

If you can't live with it and she won't stop then I can't see you have a future though.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 13/01/2016 12:46

Thumb sucker here! Give up mate. If you can't love her the way she is you clearly don't love her at all.

MeridianB · 13/01/2016 12:47

OP, did you make the 'mistake' of saying it was cute or something similar earlier in your relationship or does she know you have always disliked it?

TBH it sounds a bit OTT in terms of how often, and the blanket is very grim, so I can see how it's annoying and a passion-killer.

As others have said, it's seems like one of those things which could be a deal breaker (for you both).

OTheHugeManatee · 13/01/2016 12:48

Ew.

PhilPhilConnors · 13/01/2016 12:49

Same as Dawn. Nearly 40 and still a thumb sucker.
Now as often now, but whenever pressure was put on to stop, I sucked more than ever.

BanningTheWordNaice · 13/01/2016 12:49

Is she a famous youtuber by any chance?

Sallystyle · 13/01/2016 12:51

I suck my thumb.

I am 34.

I don't do it around people I don't know. Just my children and husband and sometimes my mum.

I am not giving it up and thankfully my husband doesn't mind because if he did I wouldn't have stayed with him.

I don't have a blanket though.

Whatsinaname2011 · 13/01/2016 12:51

30 this year and suck my thumb. I'd let DH walk away before I gave it up :)

Original poster
TwostepsA1 · 13/01/2016 13:00

Never thought it cute and didn't know about it until I fell in love with her....I've always disliked it and made it clear, the anxiety is the reason I tolerate it...I could handle it if it was more discrete and way less often...Lately the extent of the anxiety has become clearer and I have been trying to understand it by reading up on it and have recently been talking about medication (just to try something new) she is a wonderful person and I want her to fell better...is asking to limit it and keep it out of site for the best part unreasonable...?

OP posts:
lylasmam2012 · 13/01/2016 13:01

I'm 32 (almost) and still suck my thumb, you'd never get me to quit. I literally could not sleep if I didn't suck my thumb

banff82 · 13/01/2016 13:01

I have a friend/previous housemate who sucks her thumb, she's in her early 30s. She's a lovely person but it really REALLY grosses me out, especially when she takes her thumb out of her mouth and wipes it on something and/or starts touching stuff It was the major factor in me leaving our house-share which was a shame, I really like her but I couldn't live with the thumb sucking. It definitely does make me spend less time with her, it's a really off-putting habit and I find myself doing the same as you - blocking the view, having to leave the room etc.

I and various other friends and her family have talked to her about it on numerous occasions - she hasn't been in a relationship for over 5 years - but unfortunately to no avail. Having experienced it when around her it would absolutely be a relationship deal breaker for me, there's no way on earth I could fancy a grown adult who sits with their thumb in their mouth and a blanky in their hand like an overgrown child!

Original poster
TwostepsA1 · 13/01/2016 13:02

Would you seriously end your marriage/relationship end to suck your thumb even to suck it less or in own space? Now I'm worried it won't change...

OP posts:
tiggerkid · 13/01/2016 13:04

Sounds like there is no hope there for any change as you have already tried to explain to her how you feel. If I am honest, then the fact that she doesn't seem to be willing to make serious changes or even seek professional help for the sake of conversation, intimate life or even the overall relationship should make you wonder how much she actually values this relationship.

You could try giving an ultimatum but I find that those never really work. She seems to be listening but not hearing what you are telling her.

It seems like a small thing but I think I would find it pretty offputting too. I've seen adults on public transport sucking their thumbs before and remember thinking how disgusting it was. I generally don't understand how a person like that can come across as someone competent or adequate in any situation be it work or other personal interactions.

She obviously has some sort of issue and she either recognises it as one and seeks professional help or you would need to cut your losses now and move on if you can't accept it. If it annoys you now and nothing changes, it's only going to get worse after you get married as she is likely to stop making effort altogether. Usually most of us don't get much better looking with age either, so it's only likely to annoy you and put you off even more.

I can't imagine what it would look like once you have children with her. Mother and child sucking their thumbs together on the way to nursery? She is also likely to give your children the message that it's ok to do well into their adult life, which it isn't!

Sorry it sounds so harsh but I think that's the reality.

tiggerkid · 13/01/2016 13:06

Oops, I think I am going to offend loads of thumb suckers here. Sorry, ladies, no offence intended Smile

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/01/2016 13:09

She won't change unless she wants to. I sucked my thumb constantly as a child, and nothing my parents tried stopped me. In the end, being told I'd need braces if I carried on stopped me doing it all the time, but I still resort to it unconsciously if I'm really tired or unwell.

Would you seriously end your marriage/relationship end to suck your thumb even to suck it less or in own space? Now I'm worried it won't change...

On the other hand, do you really want to break up with the love of your life over the fact that she sucks her thumb?

PositivePete · 13/01/2016 13:12

39 in March and a PROUD thumb sucker

toffeeboffin · 13/01/2016 13:13

I'd say this is a deal breaker.

TheCrimsonPleb · 13/01/2016 13:13

Sorry it sounds so harsh but I think that's the reality.

That might be your reality but it's not everybody's.

My sister is 42 and still sucks her thumb - only at home, never in public, usually in bed and occasionally, very occasionally on the sofa watching TV. It's something she has done into her adult life with no major problems. It certainly hasn't stopper her climbing to the top her of chosen field and raising two children who don't suck their thumbs at all.

OP. YANBU to ask her to reign it in if it upsets you. How about you have that discussion and let us know what she says.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 13/01/2016 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TwostepsA1 · 13/01/2016 13:14

I'm going insane with it, it really is nearly 24/7 :(

OP posts:
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