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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thumb sucking at 30?

210 replies

TwostepsA1 · 13/01/2016 12:23

Hello all, feeling mean and confused...but really want to know AIBU?

Girlfriend of 16 months (whom I love and want to have children with) still sucks here thumb, a lot. The first thing she does most evening on returning home from work is go up stairs get blanket (yep there is also a blanket.) comes back down stairs and sucks thumb...this will go on all evening...then in bed, then on going to sleep to the sound of sucking thumb I will awake in the morning to if being the first thing I see..lovely girlfriend, then thumb and blanket (the blanket smell awful as well, like horrible) It's starting to drive me crazy...to the point where I block the view so I can't see it going on or leave the room or distract myself with reading or whatever...I feel it kills conversation, it's a huge barrier between us and it kills my libidoI dead. I just can't seem to get away from it...even in the car...Now the part were I feel like a mean one comes to my knowing there are anxiety issues and this is a comfort thing that makes her feel better...

But it is driving me to the edge, I have talked about it very directly and at times harshly of late as nothing changes..promises have been made in the past, like I'll stop, or have tried to compromise like limiting it to bed time (sleeping)! She knows I hate it....and becoming a big issue...

OP posts:
MamaLazarou · 13/01/2016 15:04

Furryblanket, I think the OP cares very much (are we sure it is a man?) but can't help being put off by such infantile (and smelly) behaviour. It's possible to empathise with the partner's anxiety and still be repulsed by the thumb/blanket. I can't imagine looking at someone sucking their thumb in bed and wanting to have sex with them.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 13/01/2016 15:10

Furry IS it making her happy, though? It's a compulsion, in a way I would say not very dissimilar to OCD. The actions that an OCD person carries out comfort them / calm their anxiety, but I wouldn't say having to carry out these actions makes them happy.

The fact she's so defensive about it being addressed seems like it's a source of anxiety for her anyway (possibly as part of her knows it's infantilising and off-putting).

GraysAnalogy · 13/01/2016 15:11

the other side of the argument is that OP doesn't care that the thumb sucking makes his partner happy and wants her to stop because he doesn't like it

What you're failing to acknowledge though is that it very much seems to be an addiction. Read what he says, it interrupts their life. She does it all evening. All evening. Then in bed too. That isn't normal. If she's relying so heavily on this blanket and this non stop thumb sucking it strongly suggests she needs to get some anxiety (or other mental problem) under control. It seems like she is trying to control it in her own way but it's not sustainable and it's not productive, it's negatively impacting on her relationship for one and when she has kids in the future is she going to come straight in from work grab her blanket and proceed sucking her thumb for the rest of the evening like she does now?

furryblanket · 13/01/2016 15:11

MamaLazarou Then logically you wouldn't be with someone who does it, particularly someone who you've told you don't like it and they still need/want to do it. It doesn't matter who's in the wrong, their (you're right, sorry OP, assumed male with no evidence!) options are a) put up with it or b) leave the relationship.

I don't think you're BU for being put off by it, OP, but you are BU to continue trying to make her stop when she doesn't want to. You know that it's an anxiety thing but regardless, if it bothers you that much then leave. Also I'd be a bit offended if my partner asked me to take meds because they didn't like me sucking my thumb

furryblanket · 13/01/2016 15:14

Grays yes it is obviously an addiction but it's not impacting her life that severely. Who cares whether it's 'normal'?! It's her evening to spend as she wishes, she could easily combat her anxiety by drinking or doing drugs of an evening which would be worse. It's not like she's doing it at work.
She's happy as she is, as with any addiction, if the OP doesn't like that then as I've said, there are two options

GraysAnalogy · 13/01/2016 15:15

Also I'd be a bit offended if my partner asked me to take meds because they didn't like me sucking my thumb

your partner would be suggesting you take meds to help deal with the anxiety that is causing you to have a compulsion that is negatively impacting on your lives.

furryblanket · 13/01/2016 15:16

It's negatively impacting his life, not hers

theycallmemellojello · 13/01/2016 15:17

It's affecting her life negatively in that it's making her partner very unhappy. I'd imagine it has an impact on their sex life and romantic attraction too.

Janeymoo50 · 13/01/2016 15:18

YANBU, it sounds pretty grim to be honest but clearly there is a bigger problem going here with the anxiety.

MamaLazarou · 13/01/2016 15:18

" their (...) options are a) put up with it or b) leave the relationship."

Or c) discuss it like an adult, talk it over as a couple and come to some sort of compromise.

Original poster
TwostepsA1 · 13/01/2016 15:18

Its pillow size, I changed the pillow cover...Id settle for a compromise, it's not sexy at all a stinky banker and thumb, it's killing our relationship to be frank because of the anxiety in general, but I will try...I will try very hard to find a solution...but something has to give...because I can't smell or watch or hear it all the time no matter how much love is there...I'll report how the chat goes, thanks to all who have got involved I appreciate it, and it been enlightening to how many thumb sucker there are...!

OP posts:
furryblanket · 13/01/2016 15:19

I'm going to bow out of this one now because we're going round in circles.

OP.
As with anything in a relationship, voice your views and if she's not willing to take them on board and her not changing means you're not happy, leave. The fact that it's thumb sucking is irrelevant, IMO

Janeymoo50 · 13/01/2016 15:19

I wonder wonder if the responses would be the same if the thumb sucker was a man.

GraysAnalogy · 13/01/2016 15:20

We don't know if she's happy, in fact OP says she tried to limit it but failed. And I'm sure she wouldn't be happy if her boyfriend had to leave her because he couldn't deal with what she's like when she's doing it

It's causing problems in the relationship because she simply cannot refrain from doing it. In the car, on the sofa, in the bedroom. That is not a healthy basis for a relationship and it's not a healthy way to live.

furryblanket · 13/01/2016 15:21

Mama you've literally misquoted me there. Read what I said before that Hmm

GraysAnalogy · 13/01/2016 15:21

I wonder wonder if the responses would be the same if the thumb sucker was a man

Or if the compulsion was another action like smacking ones lips or playing with their balls.

MitzyLeFrouf · 13/01/2016 15:22

I'm not surprised watching your partner act like a child causes your libido to dive. you're going to have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you OP.

MamaLazarou · 13/01/2016 15:22

Did I? If I did, it was entirely unintentional, I apologise. I C&P'd your words.

furryblanket · 13/01/2016 15:24

Yes, you did, by missing the bit where I said 'particularly someone who you've told you don't like it and they still need/want to do it'

MamaLazarou · 13/01/2016 15:28

You've lost me, sorry. Apologies for any offense I have caused. All I mean to say is that it doesn't have to be so cut and dried as 'put up with it or leave'. Although the issue will not easily be resolved by one action or one conversation, if the couple love each other enough and want the relationship to work, there will be give and take on both sides, not just 'I told her I don't like it but she won't stop'. Sorry if I did not make that clear in my earlier posts.

GraysAnalogy · 13/01/2016 15:30

I think sadly it's beyond that mama, OP did say they'd talked and compromised but nothing comes of it :( the compulsion must run much deeper than she can control

MamaLazarou · 13/01/2016 15:30

If there is to be absolutely no compromise on behalf of the girlfriend, then the relationship is doomed anyway, because (IMO) that's not how relationships work.

tiggerkid · 13/01/2016 15:38

c) discuss it like an adult, talk it over as a couple and come to some sort of compromise. - OP already tried that. GF's response was not to tell her what to do. Hence, the remaining options.

MamaLazarou · 13/01/2016 15:43

I disagree, tiggerkid. I don't think it's something that can be resolved in one conversation, but over time, with much thought from both parties.

DP and I had a big bone of contention when we first moved in together. It took about six weeks and a few Relate sessions to resolve it. If I'd given up at the first hurdle rather than talk it out, we would not still be together now, 15 years later.

juneybean · 13/01/2016 15:48

30 year old thumb sucker here, have done it for 30 years, not likely to just give up over night I'm afraid. I'm not hurting anyone, there's no second hand smoke, it doesn't change my behaviour in any way.