Thumb sucking at 30?

[TwostepsA1]

Hello all, feeling mean and confused...but really want to know AIBU?

Girlfriend of 16 months (whom I love and want to have children with) still sucks here thumb, a lot. The first thing she does most evening on returning home from work is go up stairs get blanket (yep there is also a blanket.) comes back down stairs and sucks thumb...this will go on all evening...then in bed, then on going to sleep to the sound of sucking thumb I will awake in the morning to if being the first thing I see..lovely girlfriend, then thumb and blanket (the blanket smell awful as well, like horrible) It's starting to drive me crazy...to the point where I block the view so I can't see it going on or leave the room or distract myself with reading or whatever...I feel it kills conversation, it's a huge barrier between us and it kills my libidoI dead. I just can't seem to get away from it...even in the car...Now the part were I feel like a mean one comes to my knowing there are anxiety issues and this is a comfort thing that makes her feel better...

But it is driving me to the edge, I have talked about it very directly and at times harshly of late as nothing changes..promises have been made in the past, like I'll stop, or have tried to compromise like limiting it to bed time (sleeping)! She knows I hate it....and becoming a big issue...

[MamaLazarou]

If the blanket is seriously more important to her than you are, I'm afraid you are fighting a losing battle.

[Nabootique]

Have you asked her why she won't wash the blanket? Is the smell of it a comfort in some way? I mean, whereas you might smell a horrid smell, she might not.

[Looserella]

As much as I love sucking my thumb, it is a bit weird I suppose to be doing it all evening or in front of other people. Not sure how you could approach the subject of her limiting it though! I think when I was younger my dad only let me do it at night.

[MitzyLeFrouf]

Smelly blanket

I realise lots of adults suck their thumbs in private but this woman's dependence sounds ott.

[TwostepsA1]

Yeah the smell is part of the comfort (she knows it smell and that it puts me off coming near her...) I changed the cover once and washed it, that was a issues and she didn't like it at all..let alone washing the whole thing..I gets worse not better the misre I say how much I dislike it...

[TwostepsA1]

She just says I'm being mean or says don't tell me what to do when I ask her not to, it completely out of control but she thinks it me being controlling or mean

[goodnightdarthvader1]

Yeah the smell is part of the comfort

Jesus, is she actually in fact 5 years old?! Sorry, I know that's insensitive as this is clearly a psychological issue she needs to address.

[furryblanket]

Another one here - 24 and proud thumb sucker. I also have a blanket (old pillowcase that now looks like a ball of string).

[MitzyLeFrouf]

Maybe she needs to address her anxiety rather than reverting to being a child.

[Looserella]

Maybe the blanket could accidentally get put in the washer with the bedsheets. This happened to mine once and I was not happy but the smell comes back fairly quickly. It now gets washed every now and again. I sound gross!

[MamaLazarou]

"She just says I'm being mean or says don't tell me what to do when I ask her not to, it completely out of control but she thinks it me being controlling or mean"

She sounds very immature emotionally regardless of the thumb-sucking. This does not bode well for resolving conflict in the future.

[Nabootique]

I think the thumb sucking you either have to accept or not, but bringing a stinking blanket into a shared place like a bed seems quite selfish, to be honest.

[BestZebbie]

If she feels as if you are threatening her coping mechanism/source of comfort and is already anxious, I'm not surprised that doing that makes her more anxious (and needing the coping mechanism more)....all you are doing is adding anxiety about your relationship and what you might do to her blanket.
Are you able to distract her with something that needs to use her hands or move around, or will she refuse to participate because she needs to hold her blanket?

[furryblanket]

Although I don't NEED it and only use it in bed for comfort. Mine smells too.

I've had two boyfriends and both knew and accepted it (kind of, the most recent one hated it but put up with it and wouldn't have dreamed of asking me to stop).

If it's something she's done for her WHOLE life I don't see why she should stop because you don't like it, that's your problem not hers. If you can't put up with it then you'll have to leave, but it seems pretty bloody stupid to end a good relationship because of a blanket.

[EponasWildDaughter]

I changed the cover once and washed it, that was a issues and she didn't like it at all..let alone washing the whole thing

Soooooo - this is a duvet she's keeping with her? Not just a little cloth/blanket

[EponasWildDaughter]

it seems pretty bloody stupid to end a good relationship because of a blanket.

That goes both ways, surely? Stupid to put a blanket before a good relationship.

[MamaLazarou]

Epona, I think the OP means that the blanket got washed along with the bedding.

[MamaLazarou]

"I don't see why she should stop because you don't like it, that's your problem not hers"

This is not a good basis for a happy relationship.

[MamaLazarou]

But a happy relationship is based on compromise and trying to make the other person happy. The OP's partner does not seem to be willing to budge one inch.

[EponasWildDaughter]

mama - it reads to me, with the ''washed the cover, she didn't like that, let alone washing the whole thing ...'' as if the blanket/thing has got a cover. ie: duvet?

I suddenly don't know why i'm concentrating so hard on this thread!

[tiggerkid]

She just says I'm being mean or says don't tell me what to do when I ask her not to, it completely out of control but she thinks it me being controlling or mean - this definitely sounds like it's not going to stop and she would be more likely to let you go than give up this thumb sucking business. I really think you are better off facing the facts here as they are, which leaves you with 2 choices: a) accept her as she is OR b)cut your losses now and leave

It's not the matter of wanting to leave the person you love over something as trivial as thumb sucking. It may be trivial to some but to you it isn't. She is not willing to change anything either, so clearly prepared to let go of the relationship with the person she supposedly loves and cares about.

I appreciate that people do all kinds of stuff to cope with pressure or stress in life and this is certainly no different from biting your nails, eating snots, smoking, drinking, junking up or cutting yourself but all of those things require professional help. The fact that thumb sucking seems more innocent than some of those things doesn't mean it's not an addiction, especially when done as regularly as your girlfriend seems to require it.

Some people can accept it. Others can't. There is nothing wrong with not being willing to accept something you find so disturbing and downright disgusting. You don't have to accept something just because there are loads of people, who think it's normal when you don't. At the end of the day, you are the one, who will have to live with it, not other people. If you think you can't and she isn't willing to change, then move on now instead of one broken marriage and some 4 kids later!

[furryblanket]

Has he actually spoken to her about it though? It's not like smoking because it's not harmful. Wanting someone to stop doing something that doesn't directly affect you or harm them isn't reasonable, I don't think. If he's spoken to her about it and she's flat out refused to stop then fair enough, ball's in his court, he stays and puts up with it or he goes

[furryblanket]

MamaLazarou, the other side of the argument is that OP doesn't care that the thumb sucking makes his partner happy and wants her to stop because he doesn't like it

[theycallmemellojello]

I think that the comments from people who would rather leave their partners than quit thumb-sucking should make you think, OP. It's an addiction like any other, and if you ask your partner to choose, she might not make the choice you want her to. So I think the first decision you have to make is whether it is a deal-breaker for you -ie whether you'd leave her over it. I think you have to decide this before you have any conversations about it. Then I guess you have to think if you'd accept any compromises - eg she does it only at certain times of day, not in the living room, she washes the blanket weekly, etc. Maybe putting it in those terms would be more acceptable. I think it's hard to find a balance between expressing that you love her and expressing how gross you find the addiction. It's completely valid to be grossed out by it by the way - and your feelings on it are just as valid as hers.