To think this was too much? Possibly tmi (sexual related)

[Strangeoccurence]

I dropped my son off at my exes house. I was upset, he hugged me and i feel took advantage of my vulnerability.

He groped me, and didnt stop when asked and told to stop.
He was making out he was playing, but at the end of it all - he was still doing it! Telling me he knows i want it - i am far from in the mood, and i wont sleep with someone im not in a relationship with. Ex or not! Telling me he is frisky and i should just do it. It would make me feel better etc. Getting it out and forcing my hand to it.

I dont know if i am thinking too much of an attempt to win me over for a quicky, or if he really did take advantage

I really dont know acrossthepond
There was mentions of possible marac(i dont know) meetings, but only as a possibility. After i agreed to report, nothing they said went into my head. It will be arranged for me to speak to an officer, and it will more than likely go to CID...other than that, im not sure

No, no. No regrets. By reporting you are simply saying "This happened to me. It was wrong and should not have happened. And this was NOT my fault". All of which is true. Let the outcome take care of itself. It is enough (for now) that you are speaking your truth.

Acrossthepond has it exactly right. I think those at your meeting are also exactly right to be concerned that he was trying to engage in sexual activity with you while your 7 year old could walk in at any moment. Leaving aside momentarily the hugest issue of him ignoring you and groping you against your stated wishes. Well done.

You're not over-reacting. I think this may be the wake up call he needs to realise this isn't a joke at all. Whatever else happens, that point will be made very clear to him. If you'd tried to talk to him he'd have laughed at you and minimised it (as he has minimised so many things before) and learned nothing.

You are all so right. Thank you all very much. I am going to keep trying to pull myself away from this emotionally so to not get sucked in where it will affect my anxiety. Easier said than done, but im going to try.

Is it normal for CID to take care of these cases? I thought it was the police? Or am i really not viewing this for as serious as it is?

Glad to have been able to help. Message me or post here if you need an ear.

CID is the police. They're just the plainclothes detectives, exactly who I'd expect to investigate.

I think it's something you may want to follow up on, or seek out on your own. It can be very comforting and helpful to have someone you can call in RL for information and support. Someone who knows the ins and outs of procedure, etc.

This has been a big hurdle and right now the session is 'fresh'. It'll be a bit easier tomorrow, and easier the day after.

Thank you. Oh right about the police and cid ha
I think i could go on and on and on about how bad im feeling. How i could have done this or that etc.
I am really hoping it will get easier as the days go on, as i currently feel tortured by my thoughts over everything

Don't be embarrassed about the CID thing. I thought they were the police detectives, but I had to look it up to check. Depending how it was said to you I can see how it could easily sound like a completely separate organisation.

MARAC sounds like it could be helpful (below) in handling contact with your ex going forwards, though it doesn't sound like you would attend.

Did they mention any counselling options? If they don't offer then perhaps you should ask, or you could make an appointment with your GP, explain what's been happening and ask to be referred for counselling.

'What is a MARAC?

MARAC (Multi-Agency-Risk-Assessment-Conference) is a meeting where information is shared on the highest risk domestic abuse cases between representatives of local police, health, child protection, housing practitioners, Independent Domestic Violence Advisors (IDVAs) and other specialists from the statutory and voluntary sectors. A victim/survivor should be referred to the relevant MARAC if they are an adult (16+) who resides in the borough and are at high risk of domestic violence from their adult (16+) partner, ex-partner or family member, regardless of gender or sexuality.

After sharing all relevant information they have about a victim/survivor, the representatives discuss options for increasing the safety of the victim/survivor and turn these into a co-ordinated action plan. The main focus of the MARAC is on managing the risk to the adult victim/survivor but in doing this it will also consider other family members including any children involved and managing the behaviour of the perpetrator. Information shared at the MARAC is confidential and is only used for the purpose of reducing the risk of harm to those at risk.

At the heart of a MARAC is the working assumption that no single agency or individual can see the complete picture of the life of a victim, but all may have insights that are crucial to their safety. The victim/survivor does not attend the meeting but is represented by an IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Advisor) who speaks on their behalf. Consent of the victim/survivor is preferred but not compulsory for a MARAC referral to be made. The Perpetrator of abuse should not be informed of the MARAC Referral.

Cases are referred for a one-off discussion at a MARAC. The MARAC is not an agency and does not have a case management function. The responsibility to take appropriate actions rests with individual agencies; it is not transferred to the MARAC. When referring to the MARAC staff should continue to work with the victim/survivor to reduce risk and make appropriate safeguarding referrals.'

I thought the cid just handled more serious stuff.
Ahh thank you for that! Snippets i can remember being said to me today.
I was trying to figure out where i scored on the risk scale. My score was 8 - she said she needed to upload it to the system to find out my risk. A score of 14(obviously high risk) means a referral for MARAC, but a professional opinion can over rule this and call for one if the score is lower.

I am really unsure of which way it is going with that. As for counselling, i did ask victim support to put a referral through when i first spoke to them. I havent heard anything on that yet though.

I do still want to speak to my own doctors as i think it would be wise to montior my anxiety more closely. So i could always ask them, too.

They did ask who i had spoken to in regards to this, incase needed for evidence i think. I said my first port of call was MN. They couldnt use this thread, could they?

I don't know whether they could use the thread, or what for. You could report it and ask for it to be pulled if there are things you wouldn't want them to find?

I dont think there is anything in here that i probably havent said to them already. I dont know. It is probably a good thing to keep, just incase as i did post this the day i happened, on the wednesday. Where as i spoke to victim support on the saturday

Yes, I'd be inclined to think the same. And the thread shows that your primary concern was for your son, and that you're so used to this sort of behaviour that you wondered if you were over-reacting until we reassured you that you had every right to feel he'd pushed too much and taken advantage.

I'd expect the thread could be used in the same way a friend could be called on to show that you DID say something about the attack right away, as opposed to there being nothing until you contacted the police. Not physical evidence or an eyewitness, of course, but it's a 'piece of the puzzle', as it were.

By any chance have you looked at the clothing you were wearing for rips, tears, snags, stretched spots or the like? Or any scratches or the like where he was grabbing you?

Well thats it. Its date and time stamped on here, with no way of me altering it so its a good piece of information if needed.

I cant remember which clothes i was wearing, but i really dont think anything was damaged at all. I can remember the top i had on. I dont think it is stretched, but i will have a look. I dont think it has been washed either, though it has been laying around (not a priority t shirt amongst my washing pile).
As for marks on me, there isnt any

Oh well, it was a thought (the clothing etc).

I agree it's a good piece of information. If I were you, I'd print the thread out and put it someplace. They'd probably want to see it online, but you'd at least be able to show them the printout. Your earliest posts do show how distressed you were by the incident.

The clothing was a good thought.
I reported it today. It felt a relief afterwards. Im freaking out a little bit now. I will be informed when he has been informed, so thats good. I also dont think its going to be the weekend, as he has our son and theyre aware if that.
They are going to ask him to voluntarily attend the station for an interview.
I told them about this thread and they have taken details about it incase its going to be used as evidence(i think)

So pleased for you that you reported it, whatever comes of it I am sure the least is that he won't be doing it again

You're very brave.

Thank you glogirl

Well done. It isn't an easy thing to do, but I honestly and genuinely believe it is the best thing to do.

Very good! That's another step done and dusted.

I'm sure they won't tell him over the weekend. And try not to worry about it before it happens. You are strong, you'll be OK. I'd have a feeling that they'd probably tell him not to discuss this with you anyway, and if he has half a brain, he'll listen.

I will say, however, that it would probably be better for you not to be alone with him until this is settled. Not that I think he's any physical threat, but so that any solicitor he uses can't come back and say "See, she's been alone with him since this supposedly happened. If it had really happened, she would be afraid to be alone with him", iyswim. Or maybe I watch too much Law and Order!

Thank yous! I would love to have someone with me, but i really have no one. Its turning my stomach when hes due to pick up my son, but i dont know how to not be alone when i have to one to ask. Any ideas?

Meeting in a public place. Library, cafe, grocery store produce section, can he pick DS up directly from school or do a handover at the school office.

At 7, DS is old enough to walk from your front door to his father's car (and vice versa), assuming you have either a small front garden or your door opens to the pavement. Or if you live in a flat, you could walk DS to the entrance door or gate with the understanding that his father will stay in his car and DS will trot over to him. For the return, he and DS wait in the car until you open the entrance door.

You could text or email your ex with instructions and tell him that if he must agree to your terms or he will not be able to see DS.

"Ex, because of what happened the last time I picked XXX at your home, I have decided that when you pick him up and drop him off we will meet at . I will be at at XX o'clock. If you are not there by , DS and I will leave and you will not be able to see him that day. Do NOT come by my house if you miss the connection. You can me to arrangements for a different day."

or

"Ex, because of what happened the last time I picked up XXX at your home, I have decided that I will no longer go to your place and you will no longer be allowed in mine. You will need to pick up and drop off XXX outside of my home. You will wait in your car and let me know by that you are waiting for XXX. He will walk to your car from the door while I watch. When you bring him back, me and I will come to the door to watch him walk in".

I could meet him at the local shops for hand overs.
Today he dropped my son off. He stayed on his bike outside of my garden and ds knocked and i let him in and dad left. I could only see the tyre of his bike.

Since my ds is back now, i asked if he wanted to sleep here and he does. So i have text dad telling him ds wants to sleep here and so he is.

At least by next weekend, something will have been done and i might have a clearer picture over what to do in regards to contact as i simply dont even know if im classed as failing to safeguard by allowing contact

Obviously, im not expecting the text to go down very well. At the end of it all though, at age 7, surely he has a say on where he wants to stay to an extent? I would usually encourage him to spend time with dad, but under the circumstances...

Dad was ignoring the text and text to say he was on his way, as he only sees ds twice a week.
I said not to bother as ds doesnt want to go. I then freaked and said ive gone out since he was ignoring it.
I do understand, he does only see him twice a week.
He has text saying what a dick.

I have spoken to EDT who said if the police were happy for contact to take place, then it would be ok. However, if ds does not want to go we need to respect that and not force him, which dad would have...or guilted him into it.

I feel like shit

Hang on in there. Just dont cave. He can stay outside the gate or you dont open the door.
Thinking of you