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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was too much? Possibly tmi (sexual related)

209 replies

Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 16:39

I dropped my son off at my exes house. I was upset, he hugged me and i feel took advantage of my vulnerability.

He groped me, and didnt stop when asked and told to stop.
He was making out he was playing, but at the end of it all - he was still doing it! Telling me he knows i want it - i am far from in the mood, and i wont sleep with someone im not in a relationship with. Ex or not! Telling me he is frisky and i should just do it. It would make me feel better etc. Getting it out and forcing my hand to it.

I dont know if i am thinking too much of an attempt to win me over for a quicky, or if he really did take advantage

OP posts:
MillionToOneChances · 11/01/2016 13:55

I'm glad you're feeling better. Hope you don't have to wait too long for your meeting.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/01/2016 14:16

Stronger and stronger. Yes, put it on the top shelf until you've spoken to the specialist. I really think that once you have you'll be able to make the decision that's right for you.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 11/01/2016 14:34

My meeting is on wednesday.
Im feeling anxious again now knowing its coming. Trying to hold on to the fact that nothing is going to happen right there and then, and only if i decide.

Its scaring me knowing im going to be telling them everything face to face

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MillionToOneChances · 11/01/2016 14:44

Perhaps print out this thread and highlight your posts, so that you can just give it to them to read if you find it too hard to explain? If you like I'll go through and pull just your description into a word document for you, if you PM me your email address?

I think you explained it very well here, it'll probably come easier than you think once you start talking.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 11/01/2016 14:50

I dont think i have everything down on here. I have been tempted to type it all out, but some bits just sound disgusting.

Thank you, that would be helpful

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flatbellyfella · 11/01/2016 15:42

He is certainly a danger to your wellbeing .

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 11/01/2016 16:01

How so flatbellyfella?

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flatbellyfella · 11/01/2016 16:23

All of the stress he has put upon you, doubting yourself etc.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 11/01/2016 16:34

Oh right. Yeah it has, i guess. I still keep battling the thought that in overreacting

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AcrossthePond55 · 11/01/2016 16:44

I think it would be a good idea to write it down in a narrative to hand to the person with whom you will be speaking. If you think it might be easier perhaps you have a trusted friend you can dictate it to? It may be easiest to speak your truth to someone you know and trust first.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 11/01/2016 17:10

I dont have many people, and the one i have opened up to a little i dont really want to open up further.

Its funny how im having difficulty with our son with listening to me (which dad clearly doesnt listen to me), and also trying to get him to understand no means no and stop means stop.

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Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 11/01/2016 17:25

I know dad doesnt listen to son when son stays stop during play fighting. Same with his mum, if she tells him to stop he doesnt listen

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AcrossthePond55 · 12/01/2016 14:04

Yes, our children certainly do learn by watching, don't they? But if you are consistent with 'no means no' and if you respect your son's 'body boundaries' he will soon understand that it is nicer and he will feel prouder when he listens and respects.

But try not to focus on too much negativity right now, iyswim. Once you have dealt with what happened to you there will be time to think about what is in the best interests of your child as far as seeing his father.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 12/01/2016 19:13

Again, excellent points acrossthepond. I am overloading myself with everything! I will step back and focus on one thing at a time.

I feel i have got everything ready for tomorrow. A couple of questions to write up and then i am sorted.

Thank you all! You have stopped me from sinking and helped keep me stay somewhat level headed xxFlowers

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AcrossthePond55 · 13/01/2016 14:30

Hope all is going well today & your meeting answers your questions and gives you the clarity you deserve.

I had wanted to wish you good luck but it's actually early AM here & I just got up! Hopefully you're at your meeting now or having a coffee mulling over what they told you.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 13/01/2016 15:46

Thank you. I took the next step and im going to report.
They went through all of my options etc. They made me see that although i have doubts about reporting, none of those doubts are about the report itself. Its the unknown and the possible outcome/backlash of it all.

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Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 13/01/2016 16:10

Now im with my son im fucking regretting it! I feel like an awful person!

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Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 13/01/2016 16:45

Maybe not so much regret. Just pure fear, and guilt. I know i shouldnt feel guilty, but i do!

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AcrossthePond55 · 13/01/2016 16:48

No, no. No regrets. By reporting you are simply saying "This happened to me. It was wrong and should not have happened. And this was NOT my fault". All of which is true. Let the outcome take care of itself. It is enough (for now) that you are speaking your truth.

Don't over-think it.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 13/01/2016 17:30

You're right. Its just very hard to stay focused on that point.
The fall out from this is going to be quite big, no matter how far this goes.
I know thats completely irrelevant in terms of what he has done.

I can see the correct side and how i should be viewing this. The cloud of fricken judgement feels like its lingering over my head, not his iykwim

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amarmai · 13/01/2016 18:10

if you are afraid of reprisals, what precautions can you take , op? How can you enhance your safety?

nocoolnamesleft · 13/01/2016 18:12

You sound like a good person to me.

Your first priority in all of this has been your son. Because you're a good mum.

You came here for a reality check, to make sure you weren't overreacting, because you didn't want to make a false allegation. Because you're a good person.

You've reported it, because after talking to the relevent people, you realised that was the right thing to do. Not just for you, but for future possible victims, and because of the behaviour your son would look up to. Because you're a good mum and a good person.

You're feeling some regrets now. Because you're actually a nice person, who doesn't want to cause trouble. But you didn't. He caused it. And a wake up call now may actually be the best thing that could possibly happen to your sexually abusive ex, before he escalates all the way to rape. Which would have a hell of a lot more impact on his life.

Well done, and respect.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 13/01/2016 18:20

This is why i pushed forward, as when they asked me this - i dont know. I can make sure i am never in that position again. Then, whats to say that position doesnt matter to him when he next feels "frisky" since he got away with it this time (if i ignored it).

I dont know if im doing the right thing or not. I feel as though i am, but i keep doubting myself.

They also mentioned my son. The fact my ex was quite happy to do these acts knowing our son could walk in at any moment. What can i do to prevent that from happening again...especially if its with someone else and im not there...not that i was much good when i was there! I clearly cant do anything to prevent that, without some outside intervention. It seems?

Wow this is all so very difficult

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AcrossthePond55 · 13/01/2016 18:23

I understand. And it's a damned shame that we live in a world where an innocent victim has to feel that way!

Have they talked to you about getting a victim support advocate? Or a specialist counselor? I think it might be helpful.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 13/01/2016 18:26

Cross posted with you nocoolnamesleft
Thank you! That was nice to read. A wake up call might be what he needs as he seems to think this behaviour, and other unacceptable behaviour is acceptable and keeps getting away with it! I am really surprised people have not reported him before, for his 'jokey' behaviour. I guess that is part if the reason why i feel i may be over reacting

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