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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was too much? Possibly tmi (sexual related)

209 replies

Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 16:39

I dropped my son off at my exes house. I was upset, he hugged me and i feel took advantage of my vulnerability.

He groped me, and didnt stop when asked and told to stop.
He was making out he was playing, but at the end of it all - he was still doing it! Telling me he knows i want it - i am far from in the mood, and i wont sleep with someone im not in a relationship with. Ex or not! Telling me he is frisky and i should just do it. It would make me feel better etc. Getting it out and forcing my hand to it.

I dont know if i am thinking too much of an attempt to win me over for a quicky, or if he really did take advantage

OP posts:
SpecialistSnowflake · 06/01/2016 18:52

You'd seriously knee a man in the balls and then leave your child in his sole care?

How much parenting would he be doing with his balls?! This is a person who is fine with sexually assaulting his distraught ex while their child is a stone throw away, I really wouldn't worry about a hypothetical testicle injury over that...

StealthPolarBear · 06/01/2016 18:58

I was suggesting that she'd anger him (and just to be clear I'm totally on her side) and then leave her child in his care.
"2 separate issue surely. A goodmandoesn't sexually assault women, but someone can be a good parent regardless of their otherwise bad behaviour"
So by your definition he's a bad man. I don't leave my children with bad men.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 19:02

Bad man does not mean bad father.
Say this went to court...courts would eventually grant access, during which the process had contact between father and son go from weekly, to nothing until they come to a decision which could take weeks. Then they decide since the child is not at risk and has not been at risk, father can resume contact.

All the while, the child is left traumatised wondering why he cant see his father anymore. When he gets to see him again, its not like it was before because child felt abandoned and has no understanding as to why hos father vanished in the first place.

OP posts:
AdjustableWench · 06/01/2016 19:03

I wouldn't want my child to be brought up (in part) by someone who sexually assaults women.

HelloItsMeAgain · 06/01/2016 19:08

Being a sex pest towards women does not make him a danger to a child. He is a good dad.

What will he teach your son about women? What ideas will your son grow up with with regards to "no means no". Rapists and people who sexually assault others do not understand that "no means no".

If you continue to let this disgrace of a man access to your son you need to make sure you do some really, really, really strong work with your DS to ensure he does not pick up on his father's vile view and replicate his behaviour in the future.

StealthPolarBear · 06/01/2016 19:10

Op I don't agree that bad men can be good fathers. However I take your point that he would get access (which I think is a du king joke) and think you're right not to put your son through lots of upheaval to make a point as I would.
Will there ever actually come q point where society takes sexual assault against women seriously

Leelu6 · 06/01/2016 19:10

Bad man does not mean bad father

Just spat out my tea! Sorry, but that's very naive.

I wouldn't leave a child alone with a 'bad man' or 'sex pest'.

I worry for your DC. You need to wise up.

Figwin · 06/01/2016 19:11

Also I think if you threaten reporting and he does it again you must follow it through and report.

I think the sexual assault part and his parenting skills are separate issues. This doesn't mean it's ok or he's a good person. I think many people would be alarmed to find out what their parents actually were like in adult to adult relationships. But do not let him off the hook. Know that what he is doing, even if in a playful manner is assault as you have said no repeatedly.

JaneHair · 06/01/2016 19:13

'Bad man does not mean bad father. '

Oh yes it bloody does! You must be incredibly naive if you don't realise that.

RivieraKid · 06/01/2016 19:14

A good man doesn't sexually assault women, but someone can be a good parent regardless of their otherwise bad behaviour.

Oh sure, I mean this guy sounds like an exemplary male role model for his son.

Hmm
GruntledOne · 06/01/2016 19:14

He is not a good father. Do you seriously want your son associating with a man who will teach him that sexual assault is fine?

GruntledOne · 06/01/2016 19:17

If you intend to let him continue having access, at least do it though a third party. NEVER allow yourself to be on your own with this man ever again.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 19:19

It is fact, though. If i cease contact, then i would be traumatising my child just for myself. I would have a point, my point would be valid - but it would not be enough in the eyes of the court. It is not naieve to be thinking further ahead to the consequences that would impact my child, while the inevitable would be for dad to get contact by the courts. Dad's behaviour may have an impact on my son, but by not putting my son through unneccessary trauma, he will at least then stand a chance of not being damaged emotionally, because the courts might be right, and he may not inflict his ways upon his child. If he does, with previous trauma avoided, my son my be better able to deal with things emotionally and realise his dads behaviour is wrong.

OP posts:
timelytess · 06/01/2016 19:20

A good dad does not sexually assault women' 2 separate issue surely. A good man doesn't sexually assault women, but someone can be a good parent regardless of their otherwise bad behaviour

No, sorry, I don't agree. If you assault the mother of your child, or any woman, you are not a good father and you are not a good man.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 19:28

And it is a seperate issue really. I have come on here to see if i am over thinking something, or if he had taken advantage of me.

I am now being questioned over my parenting choices, and being told i am naieve(sp?)

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 06/01/2016 19:30

Your post of 19.19 is sensible. I think the courts should not grant access to a sx pest. But I doubt they'd stop him.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 19:33

It doesnt stop them. The system is shit. Yes, there are sex pests out there who do not ever pose a risk to children, but there are some that do. So unless there is a direct risk to the child or a strong indication of a possibility of potential risk, the contact is granted.

OP posts:
itsmine · 06/01/2016 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 06/01/2016 19:38

Sex pest doesn't go far enough IMO. He has basically told her he is going to rape her, it will happen regardless of what she does.

OP I recognise you are in a terrible position here but you need to arrange a third party meeting and record it somewhere. It is not safe for you to be near him.

LurcioAgain · 06/01/2016 19:46

Except that his views may influence your child as he grows up.

I have a relative who is on the sex offenders' register for offences against girls in their early teens. I was advised by the police officer on his offender management team not to allow contact with my DS, because, although my DS is a boy and therefore unlikely to be assaulted by rellie, the rellie could exert influence on him and normalise the idea that sexual offences are okay as my DS grows up. I am more than happy to have a reason to have no contact.

And your ex is a sex offender. What he did to you was sexual assault. He may be an unreported sex offender, who is still below the radar, but nonetheless he is a sex offender.

LurcioAgain · 06/01/2016 19:54

Sorry, Strange - re-read my post and realised it was a bit stark and came across as critical of you. I do understand that you're in this terrible bind where without any proof that he did this, no-one is going to allow you to stop contact. But I do think that it's important that you're able to name your ex's actions for what they were: sexual assault.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 20:03

Against girls in their early teens. As much as i see your point, and everyone elses. It does not change the facts. He is not on a sex offenders register for any other incident. Therefore, this would be his first crime. Although, he may be placed on the register, or given a caution for first offence, and it being against an ex girlfriend which would be very easy for him to say i was party to it.
You are also talking about a relative. That could be anything from an uncle to a second cousin. This is the childs father.
I could cease contact with grandparents tomorrow and they couldnt do much about it. However, fathers rights and access arrangements are taken far more seriously. Ceasing contact has to be very, very serious to the point the child is at risk of significant harm or potential of being at risk of harm.
Sexual assault of an ex partner who is of similar age, does not stand anywhere near a man who has been placed on the register for teenage girls

Things would be completely different if i was not the first offense.

I am not defending him or his actions. I am seeing the potential damage you are all so willing for me to put my child through, for what could have been him just being frisky and going about it in the complete wrong and illegal way. There is nothing solid to prove or even state that this is his personality and he is a risk to every other human being on the planet.

It could even be put down to a sexual assault simply because he felt he owned me due to us being together in the past. A controlling man who went too far...
Might qualify for the register, but not the loss of his child

OP posts:
AdjustableWench · 06/01/2016 20:15

From what you said earlier, it's possible this wasn't his first offence. It sounds like he has very little respect for the word no in response to his advances.

I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do, and I recognise that you're in an impossible situation. However, it's worth bearing in mind that children are often aware of more than their parents realise, and your ex's actions might impact on your child more easily than you might think.

Also, I would urge you to consider your own safety, and to contact Women's Aid for advice.

Sorry you've had such a horrible experience. I hope you find a way through it that works for you and your son. Flowers

Figwin · 06/01/2016 20:17

I don't see that he poses any risk to your son other than influencing his behaviour towards women but if your son is not party to it doesn't mean this will happen. Because he has done this to you doesn't mean he has those views and in his mind he probably has no idea it's assault which is where you should make him aware. He might be, actually, a decent man who is shocked but able to realise what he has done is that serious and should not be done to anyone again (explaining it by what he did and what would he say if a friend/sister told him someone did that to them is generally effective and helps them with an outside perspective). If he is not that kind of man and does not see what he did as wrong then it's a much more serious matter. You should definitely report him for any further behaviour as he might do it to future partners too. You should prepare yourself for ways to talk to your son about it as he gets older if he witnesses any of this behaviour.

I really hope you can sieve through the views from everyone, take each one on board (and at face value as no one knows you, him or how firm he was with you etc with out being there) and find a balanced opinion for what you need going forward.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 20:18

Take my son out of the equation.
I would not hesitate to report after reading the first couple of replies on this thread. I may not have even considered coming here to question it, and might have just acted on it.

Place my son into the equation and it gets a lot more complicated, to where my son could be damaged incase of potential future damage which may never actually happen.
Had my ex of progressed things and actually went to the next level, i would not have hesitated.
If my ex does it again, i will not hesitate to report.

OP posts: