Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was too much? Possibly tmi (sexual related)

209 replies

Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 16:39

I dropped my son off at my exes house. I was upset, he hugged me and i feel took advantage of my vulnerability.

He groped me, and didnt stop when asked and told to stop.
He was making out he was playing, but at the end of it all - he was still doing it! Telling me he knows i want it - i am far from in the mood, and i wont sleep with someone im not in a relationship with. Ex or not! Telling me he is frisky and i should just do it. It would make me feel better etc. Getting it out and forcing my hand to it.

I dont know if i am thinking too much of an attempt to win me over for a quicky, or if he really did take advantage

OP posts:
Leelu6 · 06/01/2016 20:23

I am seeing the potential damage you are all so willing for me to put my child through

We're not putting you through anything Hmm Your ex was the one who put you through something - sexual assault.

The words that came out from from you are 'bad man does not equal bad dad' and 'sex pest'. If that's how you see your ex (rightly so IMO) then why are you surprised when we agree?

DoreenLethal · 06/01/2016 20:24

It would not be YOU putting your child through anything, it would be him by his assault on you.

StealthPolarBear · 06/01/2016 20:29

Op im sorry this happened by the way. Are you ok and do you have someone looking after you?

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 20:44

I can understand what you are saying, and i do not disagree with your points.
If i chose to stop my son seeing his father, when i know the courts would grant access anyway - then yes i would be placing damage onto my child.

Im not surprised that anyone agrees with anything. I can see, and understand the points being made. A lot i agree with, some not so much, but can still see the reasoning behind them.

I am thankful for all comments and am taking on board everything that is being said, and suggested.

Please dont think i am dismissing any kind of impact this could have on my child.
If you look, you will see i am trying to find the least damaging way for my child. Even though this was not what the thread was about.
Yes i have said dad is not a risk right now. You can also see elsewhere that i am not ignoring the fact that he could be at some point.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2016 20:45

OP, I hear where you're coming from. You know what he did was wrong, but at this point it's 'he said/she said' with no witness or evidence and chances are nothing will come of it if you reported it. It's a damn shame, but it's the way it is. No court is going to agree to stopping contact based on 'allegations'. I'm sorry that it happened to you. I would suggest you make yourself a written 'report' of the incident, date, location, time, what was said and done.

Do you have a plan in place so that he won't have a chance to do it again? Can someone accompany you for hand offs or do them for you? Can you meet in a very public place, like in the middle of a shop or busy mall? Is your son old enough to walk from your car to ex's door or from car to car in a public place?

Crazybaglady · 06/01/2016 20:59

If you don't want to report him, ensure drop off and pick up is in a public place under CCTV. for a while all drop off and pick ups were at the local library where the CCTV members could monitor you

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 21:09

I am fine thank you. Im a little bit annoyed with myself for not standing up for myself more.

As for my son, things were fine how they were before. Dad would come to my door and ds would be ready to walk out of the door. We would pass a few words and say goodbye.
Ds was able to see us getting along which i think is beneficial to him.

Things have only been slightly different due to ds being poorly the past week. I think because we have been communicating a little bit more because of this (understandably), i think he possibly thinks that there is the chance of something happening.

My plan is to try and continue as normal. Ds is much better now so things should go back to how they were. If not, that is where i will say my bit. I will make my own personal log of the event incase anything else does happen again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 21:13

My house is in quite a good location. Neighbours are always home and one is always at the door every 5 minutes with a cig. The walls are paper thin, and my son would be present. Anything where my son is present would be classed as sexual abuse, and sexual assault. I think he is stupid enough for the assault, but the abuse id say not. If he did, then that would be the end of him.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2016 21:30

think because we have been communicating a little bit more because of this (understandably), i think he possibly thinks that there is the chance of something happening

Nope. Just because you've been speaking more frequently it doesn't follow that someone should think you were 'up for it'. He's just an arse.

Hopefully, things will settle down. But I wouldn't let him into my house, even if it had glass walls!

StealthPolarBear · 06/01/2016 21:42

But what you're saying is that your son's presence will deter any sexual attack

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 21:45

Youre right, it doesnt. I think im just trying to make sense of it all and try and figure out why he done it.
Bare in mind, he broke up with me. In an attempt of getting me to ask him not to, it seemed. Like shit would i grovel to someone who broke up with me. The chance has gone for him.

Again i think im trying to make sense of it and understand it.

Can this affect my mental health?

OP posts:
Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 21:50

What im saying is that things had been working well for a long time before this, doing it how i explained before. I dont know if the reason it has never happened before is because my son has been present. I dont know if the reason he done it today was because we were in a seperate room to my son.

Does this really indicate that he could rape me at any time? Does it really indicate that this is his intention and that is likely to happen? Genuine questions

OP posts:
GruntledOne · 06/01/2016 21:55

If you're going to carry on dealing with contact in person, please make sure your contact is recorded. Otherwise if he does this again the chances are that it will be just your word against his and he will get away with it.

GruntledOne · 06/01/2016 21:56

What makes me worry about rape is him saying "I know you want it". It's the classic rapist approach when he won't take no for an answer. OK, you know him best, but I assume before today you didn't think he would sexually assault you.

StealthPolarBear · 06/01/2016 21:57

We don't know. Only he does I suppose. He obviously sees you as his property...unless you think he does this to other women too?

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 22:05

No, i didnt. We are over in my eyes. Fair enough hugging me when upset, its a fairly normal thing to do. To turn that into what it turned into was just...
How could you, really, unless you were using that saddness to your advantage so you could take advantage! In which case the whole hugging malarky was not caring, but deceiving

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 06/01/2016 22:09
Flowers Sorry I don't know what to say
Cloppysow · 06/01/2016 22:18

I'd be inclined to email him saying that if he ever does anything like that again, you will report him to the police.
Also tell him that since he can't be trusted, he is no longer welcome in your house.

He sounds like a fucking chancer who thinks his luck is back in since you've had a bit more contact. What he did is undoubtedly assault and must have been awful. But a fucking tosser who doesn't know how to keep his hands to himself does not necissarily make a bad or risky dad.

I was horribly groped by an old friend at christmas and asked where my sense of humour was and why i was being such a bitch about it when i told him where to go. Does that make him a horrible sexist prick? Yes. Does that make him a bad dad? Not necissarily. Will he be setting bad examples? Undoubtedly. Can a mum stop contact because of that? Probably not.

HelloItsMeAgain · 06/01/2016 22:28

Show him this. V v v good video about consent. rockstardinosaurpirateprincess.com/2015/05/01/consent-not-actually-that-complicated-animated/

AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2016 22:35

I don't think just the incident itself could affect your mental health, but I don't think it'd do you much good to dwell on it. Over-examining things, especially when we're trying to decide if we were 'at fault' or trying to decide what someone else's motives were never does us any good. You weren't at fault and you can't really know for sure what his motives were unless he tells you.

I think, really, that for now it'd probably be OK to look at it as a 'one off' unless you can think of other similar instances during your relationship (for example, did he ever refuse to take 'no' for an answer when he wanted sex?). But you may want to still take precautions against putting yourself in a vulnerable position with him. You know, 'once bitten, twice shy'.

Figwin · 06/01/2016 22:41

I think the fact that you are questioning of he could rape you makes a big difference. Before it sounded like you didn't think he was capable of that as if it were just a one off (other than during your relationship which you only have noticed in hindsight) situation. It sounds more like you need to be prepared to report him. Maybe do some research as to what happens next etc.

The way you have spoken about him previously it sounded like you trusted him whereas your last few posts, I'm guessing after thinking about it more, you really don't.

Just protect yourself, keep him out the house, don't go in his. Record information with a diary or a voice memo on your phone if needed. Ask for advice from women's aid or such as to how best record your encounters with him, non sexual too.

Good luck. Hope you manage to get some rest as often these things can hit us late x

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 06/01/2016 22:47

I was thinking same as Cloppysow. If you don't plan to report this, send him an email setting out (in reasonable detail, with when it happened etc) what he did, how you were clearly not consenting (saying no repeatedly etc) and that this WAS sexual assault and you will report him to the police if there is any repeat. Then keep the email (and maybe a printout somewhere safe too) - and his reply, if any. That way you have at least some evidence if it's ever needed, and he is warned that you WILL take it very seriously if he tries anything again.

amarmai · 07/01/2016 03:48

i wd be worried leaving a child with a man that willing to gratify himself regardless.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 07/01/2016 06:50

Does this really indicate that he could rape me at any time? Does it really indicate that this is his intention and that is likely to happen? Genuine questions

IMO Yes

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 07/01/2016 06:51

Not will, but really could.