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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this was too much? Possibly tmi (sexual related)

209 replies

Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 16:39

I dropped my son off at my exes house. I was upset, he hugged me and i feel took advantage of my vulnerability.

He groped me, and didnt stop when asked and told to stop.
He was making out he was playing, but at the end of it all - he was still doing it! Telling me he knows i want it - i am far from in the mood, and i wont sleep with someone im not in a relationship with. Ex or not! Telling me he is frisky and i should just do it. It would make me feel better etc. Getting it out and forcing my hand to it.

I dont know if i am thinking too much of an attempt to win me over for a quicky, or if he really did take advantage

OP posts:
Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 07/01/2016 08:43

If i did mention it to him, he would say it wasnt. Because all i was doing was saying no,i dont want you to do that, and no i dont want any etc. Etc.
Since no seemed to mean nothing to him, then im sure in his eyes i was accepting of it all.

No, i dont believe i do trust him now, as much as i did. A person you trust wouldnt break someones trust like that. Or make you doubt yourself, like he has. Because now i feel that i am probably partly to blame, and everywhere states that is a normal thought for someone who has been subject to something like that.
He also would hug me to comfort me, not do what he did.

OP posts:
Leelu6 · 07/01/2016 11:19

I agree with Cloppy's suggestion. Send him an email stating that what he did was wrong and that next time he sexually harasses you, you will be calling the police. At least you have it in writing then.

It doesn't matter what is in his eyes, you know what he did was wrong and that you said no. The police will agree with you, not him.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 07/01/2016 14:48

I dont have an email address for him. I dont think he really uses one.
Part of me thinks i should just forget about it and move on, im fine. Feeling like im making a mountain out of a molehill in my head.
There is the other part who is thinking how much of a knob he is and how i should say/do something. I will not achieve anything through this though, just added stress.

Im not sure if he will try again, but i do know i will most definitely take it to the police with or without giving him warning.
If i dont take it to the police, how do i know he isnt going to do it to someone else if he is desperate enough to do that anyway.

I feel like im just going on and on about it when nothing seriously bad happened. It keeps popping to the front of my thoughts though

OP posts:
Chipsahoy · 07/01/2016 16:00

Something bad happened. He violated you. He didn't respect your boundaries. He didn't care about what you wanted.

It's OK to be hurt, upset, traumatised. Don't minimise it. You were sexually assaulted.

hannibalismisunderstood · 07/01/2016 19:19

Please read and watch this and then think about what your ex is showing your son as being acceptable....

m.huffpost.com/uk/entry/8802942

Leelu6 · 07/01/2016 19:49

It wasn't nothing and you every right to go on about it. It'll help you process it.

I remember being 13 and being tapped on the breast lighly by a schoolboy from my class. Over 20 years later, I still wish I had slapped him. Anything that happens to us against our will affects us.

Don't accept it as unimportant.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 08/01/2016 10:58

Thank you

OP posts:
DragAct · 08/01/2016 12:17

OP, I sympathise with your situation, and I do understand why you don't want to pursue this - I also think you're right about what a family court would find, However, please, for your own sake, do not for a moment minimise what your ex did as 'just being frisky'. He sexually assaulted you. He groped you repeatedly, tried to get his hand in your trousers, took out his penis and forced your hand towards it, while you repeatedly told him not to.

Whatever you decide to do about it, now or in the future - and I share pps' concerns, not for the safety of your son, but for the messages he may be absorbing from a father who appears to have been ready to rape - he sexually assaulted you.

And don't be alone with him again. Best wishes.

DragAct · 08/01/2016 12:19

Of course something bad happened, OP. Of course you feel traumatised and are having flashbacks to something so frightening. Is there someone trusted you can talk to about it to help?

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 08/01/2016 13:21

I do and still am minimising it, when you put it all back to me like that, i can see that.

I dont have anyone i can talk to really. I tried calling womenw aid but while waiting to get through i kept telling myself how pointless the phone call is...again minimising it all in my head, i suppose

OP posts:
Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 08/01/2016 13:48

Hes text me saying our ds wants me to pop round to see him. Ive said no, i have things on today.
I would have, had he not done what he did. Now i feel shit like im saying no and ds might think i dont want to see him.

At the same time, i dont know if da has even asked!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2016 14:29

You are right to refuse. Don't be alone with this man. If he tries this again, ask him to put DS on the phone. If you feel that DS needs to see you for some reason, arrange to meet at McDs or some other public place.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 08/01/2016 14:39

Yep. I definitely wont put myself in a position to where i am alone with him again.

I keep wondering now if he knew what he was doing was wrong.
It all makes me look at him in a completely different light and its making me feel quite angry!
If he didnt know it was wrong, then me repeating "no means no" and stuff should have at least been enough for someone who doesnt understand not to do something like that. Which likely means he did know it was wrong, he just thought so little of me, that he didnt care how wrong it was. He wanted what he wanted regardless of me, my words and my feelings. After pretending to comfort me and my feelings. Makes me sick. More so to think i was stupid enough to think he was just being nice (to begin with)

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2016 14:56

You know, I'm a big proponent of 'it doesn't matter why'. It doesn't really matter why he did it, whether he knew it was wrong or not, etc, etc. The fact is that he shouldn't have done it and mustn't ever do it again. You don't need to find a 'reason' because no 'reason' makes it OK. And you don't need to find a 'reason' because it's not your job to 'educate' him or explain to him why it was wrong. YSWIM? All that matters is that it was unwelcome and you didn't want it.

My XH tried to force himself on me after we separated. Same thing, in the 'guise' of 'C'mon, Baby, you look so good', like I was supposed to be fucking flattered!!!! I pushed him out the door with a big flea in his ear. I didn't care why he thought it was OK, all I cared about was that I got him away from me and slammed the door in his face!

So don't worry about why or if he knew it was wrong. The only thing you need to think about is that he not be given the opportunity to do it again.

mum2mum99 · 08/01/2016 15:16

Did he do it in front of your DS?

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 08/01/2016 15:22

Acrossthepond - youre absolutely right. It really doesnt matter. Any amount of reasoning is not going to change it.

Mum2mum - no he didnt do this infront of our son. He was in a different room

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2016 21:41

Yep. Does not matter at all.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 09/01/2016 14:50

Today i told a friend a little bit. Now i find myself keep crying. What is happening?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 09/01/2016 15:31

It's because it's making it 'more real'. Getting things out in the light of day always makes them more real because we can no longer hide them when they're out there.

Let yourself have a good cry. You're just releasing pent up emotion. Then shake yourself and move forward.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 09/01/2016 15:44

I wish i could just let it all go.
I was stupid and i contacted someone. They say im not realising how serious this all is, and that i should seriously consider informing the police.
A meeting is being arranged for me to speak to someone who will give me a run down of what to expect with the police and everything, and i can reconsider what i want to do from there.

I wish i just stayed quiet

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 09/01/2016 15:50

They are right. I think you are minimising this and you really need to get more advice on whether to take it further.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 09/01/2016 16:03

I need to speak to them because my biggest worries are that he denies everything, which no doubt he will. There is no evidence. So what happens then? Nothing.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 09/01/2016 16:06

It's OK. Just look at it as 'getting information'. No one can force you to do anything. Listen to what they have to say, then make your own decision.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 09/01/2016 16:18

Thank you. Im going to keep trying to look at it like that.
I never thought for one second i would be feeling worse now! Its very confusing, i dont understand any of it and i think thats the worst part

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 09/01/2016 18:45

I understand. Many of us (women) are raised to 'not make waves' or 'not make a fuss'. Unfortunately in many cases it gets ingrained in us a wee bit too much and makes us feel guilty for calling attention to something we think of as 'not that big a deal' or 'our fault' when really it isn't trivial and definitely not your fault. I think this especially happens in cases of 'groping' or sexual assault that doesn't end up in rape. And double especially when it's a known male that does it.

Try to remember that in this situation the power is yours. You decide what to do. It happened to you, and what you do about it is your decision.

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