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Original poster

To think this was too much? Possibly tmi (sexual related)

209 replies

Strangeoccurence · 06/01/2016 16:39

I dropped my son off at my exes house. I was upset, he hugged me and i feel took advantage of my vulnerability.

He groped me, and didnt stop when asked and told to stop.
He was making out he was playing, but at the end of it all - he was still doing it! Telling me he knows i want it - i am far from in the mood, and i wont sleep with someone im not in a relationship with. Ex or not! Telling me he is frisky and i should just do it. It would make me feel better etc. Getting it out and forcing my hand to it.

I dont know if i am thinking too much of an attempt to win me over for a quicky, or if he really did take advantage

OP posts:
Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 09/01/2016 20:16

Thats it. I feel im making a mountain out of a molehill. I feel my feelings are exaggerated and i should suck it up and move on. Im constantly going back to wondering if it was my fault in any way.

Its just shit. All the while he is probably getting on with things as if nothing has happened. My mind wont venture more than 3 minutes without coming back to thoughts of it!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 09/01/2016 20:39

But it's YOURS! You can make a mountain out of a molehill or a molehill out of a mountain because it's YOURS to do with as you will.

Go ahead and have that meeting. Listen to what they have to say. Evaluate. Then make your decision. I think once you've heard what they have to say, and say what you want to say it'll be easier to let it go, or report it. Whichever feels right to you.

OK, sure, maybe he is just getting on with things. But that's because he's an arsehole. You aren't.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 09/01/2016 21:29

Thank you Flowers

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MillionToOneChances · 09/01/2016 22:02

I don't think you need to worry whether you're making a mountain out of a molehill. You've explained what happened to MN and plenty of people feel you've been assaulted and have every right to be upset. Just because you used to have sex with this person doesn't permit them to try to force you to do sexual things against your will. Explain what happened at the meeting that has been set up for you, and let them decide whether there's an issue. Don't minimise it, don't tell them you're being silly, just let them decide based on what happened.

I'm sorry that you're feeling worse as you think more about it Flowers

m.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 09/01/2016 22:25

Someone posted that video further back in this thread. I thought it was great.
Thank you. I have generalised anxiety and i think it has latched on to this. He knows i do, it was at an all time high, along with exhaustion and i was completely deflated which is why i was upset. To where he thought ideal time to make a move. The complete arse

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MillionToOneChances · 09/01/2016 22:52

Complete arse indeed :(

I didn't follow the link above so hadn't realised it was the same. Was your son awake at this point? Either way, I think I'd be keeping all handovers in public places from now on, whether you decide to report him or not.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/01/2016 22:59

Strange your last post made me think of something. Have you had a good night's sleep since this happened? Or a good nap? If not, is there anyone (other than him) who can watch DS overnight or for the day so you can rest? I know you really can't 'catch up' on sleep, but if you haven't slept well, maybe it would help to have some alone time to take a hot bath and snuggle down with a book or a movie.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 09/01/2016 23:07

Im too scared to say anything to him knowing he will just deny it and make me feel more like shit, so im scared to announce any changes. Im going to allow drop off to take place as normal and just alert someone if he tries to enter my home.
My son was awake, just in a different room.

Acrossthepond. I have only had my oldest since yesterday and i have found i have slept more than usual. A ridiculous amount to be honest, and im still tired.
My oldest is sleeping at his friends tonight, so maybe the alone time might do me good

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MillionToOneChances · 09/01/2016 23:56

The facts are pretty clear, if you choose to make a stand. He might claim he thought you were up for it, but that's no excuse. In fact, the fact your concern initially was mostly because he's your ex makes me wonder - did he badger you and nag you for sex when you were together? Is that why you think he won't see anything wrong in how he behaved, because it's how he would behave when you were together?

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 10/01/2016 00:02

The facts are pretty clear. But if he is put on the spot to answer these questions. Unless he really doesnt see what he has done is wrong, then he is going to deny it.

He didnt badger me for sex, as such. He would think he could touch me whenever he fancied, no matter where we were. If i said no, he would do it all the more.
There were times he would badger for other sexual things, to which if i said no he would just try and try until i caved or eventually give up.

Sometimes he would do stupid things like if i didnt agree to something he would say "right, well you have so many seconds to change your mind before i crack your toe" other things as well. He would do and say it all jokingly, but when i think back - he wanted the outcome his way, each time. More often than not, he got it.

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AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2016 00:06

I don't think you need to say anything to him at all. At least not now. If you decide to proceed legally, the police will say it for you. If you decide not to proceed legally, then you can decide what to say to him. For now, let that go. Worry about it when you have to.

Alone time is good if you use it (un)wisely. Do something for yourself or something that you've been putting off that will give you satisfaction when it's done. Or just go to bed. Point is, don't worry about anything or anyone tonight. It's all about you.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 10/01/2016 00:24

You are right. I need to just switch off from it and enjoy my time

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MillionToOneChances · 10/01/2016 00:39

If I said no, he would do it all the more

if I said no he would just try and try until I caved

And the cracked toe thing... All sounds pretty awful, and even more so if he thinks it can continue now you're no longer in a relationship :( Do make sure you're not alone in private with him.

As Across said, do something you helps you relax tonight and figure this all out when you have the meeting.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 10/01/2016 11:43

He just makes everything 'jokey' smiling and laughing when he is doing it all. It wasnt my toes this time around. He was pulling my pubic hair (tmi im sorry) to try and force me to uncross my legs and stand up straight so he could get his hands down my pants properly.
He will be dropping our son off later. Im sure it will be fairly straightforward. Ill keep my door locked so he cant just walk in, and so i can make sure he stays at the door. Im still a nervous wreck though

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Cloppysow · 10/01/2016 12:16

Can you have a friend there when he drops him off?

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 10/01/2016 12:26

No i dont. Im hoping that he wont try, but if he does i will alert someone or even threaten to phone the police

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MillionToOneChances · 10/01/2016 13:39

Doesn't matter how much he smiles when he's doing it, it doesn't stop it being unacceptable.

If you can't get anyone round to be with you, make sure you have your phone in your pocket so you can 'nip to the loo' and call for help if you need to.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 10/01/2016 13:58

I know. Its strange how its harder to accept because of that. Kind of makes me feel like im over exaggerating a joke that went too far iykwim. Even though i know there is no excuse.

Anyway, i will most definitely keep my phone on me. 3 hours to go. My stomach is in knots

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MillionToOneChances · 10/01/2016 14:08

Your exboyfriend is pulling your pubic hair to try to force you to open your legs so he can perform a sex act you've clearly said you don't want. Whether he laughs and jokes while he does it is utterly irrelevant. As you say, there's no excuse. Flowers

MillionToOneChances · 10/01/2016 14:10

Even if he genuinely thinks it's all a big joke, he couldn't be more wrong. You did not consent. You did not enjoy it. He did not stop when you asked him to. There's been a lot of stuff about consent in the news at the moment with the new rules on coercive control. There's no excuse.

acatcalledjohn · 10/01/2016 14:29

You need to take your son out of the equation, you have been sexually assaulted. You owe it to yourself to report that. It has nothing to with your son.

The thing is, I think, that your XH knows he'll get away with it because of your son.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 10/01/2016 15:16

If it wasnt for my son, i dont think i would have such difficulty in making this decision.

I cannot get away from thinking that no matter what i do, whether i speak up and an investigation happens, or if i keep quiet and get on with it. The outcome will more than likely be the same.
But thankfully i will be speaking to the correct people to find out more about this sometime next week.

There really is no excuse milliontoonechances

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Cloppysow · 10/01/2016 15:22

Don't let him in the door.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2016 15:25

That's disgusting and I don't blame you for feeling sick about what he did. And I'm sure he does think it was 'no big deal' or 'a joke', because he's an arsehole. Celebrate the fact that he IS an ex!

Remember that none of this is your fault. The fact that he thought it was funny or that you were 'being silly' means only that he has no respect for women.

Is there any way you can call him and tell him to meet you at another location for the drop off? Just tell him you'll be out and need him to meet you at McD or the local chippy. Or can he stand at your front gate (if you have one) and watch DS walk to the door? Or hell, he can stand at the kerb. Even a toddler (not sure how old DS is) can walk the 4 or 5 feet from the kerb to the door. Does he drive? Tell him he is to stay in his car and unbuckle DS and you'll walk to the passenger door to get him.

Original poster
Strangeoccurence · 10/01/2016 16:53

Im too worried to change anything. He is due anytime now. Im confident that nothing will happen, but still a nervous wreck. He should just drop son off at the door and then go.

Im pleased he is an ex, very pleased in fact.

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