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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find my MIL creeping around outside my room while I bf weird and irritating?

204 replies

SouthernComforter · 06/01/2016 13:28

I've written in detail elsewhere on here about my PILs - how they arrive earlier than agreed, book flights home for later than agreed, barely leave the house, how my MIL is a babyhogger - so I'll keep this specific. MIL didn't breastfeed any of her children, and since I also don't want to bf my 8wo in front of my FIL I come up to my bedroom (also a break from strained chat bcse by the end of a 6-day visit that was meant to be 3 days we don't have much to say). Today FIL and DH are busying themselves with flatpack furniture and DS1 is at nursery so it's me, the baby and my MIL. I was sitting on my bed feeding and heard my husband ask my MIL if she was ok. He had come out of the spare room (where they're putting furniture together) to find MIL creeping about on the landing. She replied that she was waiting to take the baby. She's now sitting on the sofa (in silence) with my sleeping baby while I strip the Xmas tree.

AIBU to think this is weird and yet more insanity-inducing behaviour or should I just accept that she is making the most of her time with her new grandson that she probably won't see for another good few months?

OP posts:
ALongTimeComing · 06/01/2016 22:07

Beehoven I'm glad you explained that you felt like this too. People tend to look at me like I've grown an extra head and blame it on the BF. Maybe just certain Mums react in certain ways and people need to back off and take their cues from them?

The whole baby stuff in inlaws/parents houses is terrifying. I wish they would just let it happen naturally or even think to talk or consult about it. A lot of it is outdated/useless - but they never think to ask.

Cotto · 06/01/2016 22:09

How about " I have just birthed a human and now am feeding 23/7 and I have huge piles and a tear." Im also leaking milk, blood and haven't pooed for a week" "Oh you want a cup of tea PIL?" " and to cuddle the screaming for BM baby baby?"

off indeed !

cotto · 06/01/2016 22:11

"Fuck off indeed"
Random fuck fail!

Blueboys · 06/01/2016 22:12

Very very annoying but also quite sweet in a way. Give it 30 or so years and a lot of us will probably be doing similar to our grandchildren. I have had this a couple of times with my Mum and mil when I was bf'ing my son, I would go up to my room and feed in peace and my Mum once came in and started staring at him feeding (probably in the same way I now do to mums feeding their little babies, with a soppy grin and tears on the way) I snapped at her and felt terrible. I hope my daughter isnt a cow bag to me like I can be to my mum. Their over staying is very very rude though.

Behooven · 06/01/2016 22:26

alongtime yes, it's the trying to force me to let go before either of us was ready, who knows it might have happened naturally if it wasn't for the constant harping and hinting. Tbh it made a permanent barrier between us and she saw even less of him as it was so unpleasant for us.

I will never be like that.

BertrandRussell · 06/01/2016 22:39

"Maybe just certain Mums react in certain ways and people need to back off and take their cues from them?"

Or, maybe- just maybe -sometimes even mothers can be wrong? Have you considered that possibility? Why is there an assumption that absolutely everything a mother thinks, wants or feels is right and should be gone along with?

.

PaintedTshirt · 06/01/2016 22:45

I felt just like you Cotto, thought of being away from my young babies caused me stress and anxiety.

From when DD (they'd given up by the time dc2 was born Wink) was just a few months old my in laws were pressurising me to leave her with MIL over night. SIL had done and they just couldn't understand why I didn't want a 'break'.

I breastfed both of mine for over a year. Over bearing in laws made me even more determined tbh! I've always assumed that breastfeeding creates a hormonal reaction that makes you feel stressed when away from your baby, it's nothing to do with ff mothers not loving their babies as much and that's is not what's been said.

It also pisses me off that people can not understand that people may feel differently from how they did. Just because you wanted a break from baby, needed mind others holding your baby for hours on end...you DIL may not! Take your lead from her.

PaintedTshirt · 06/01/2016 22:47

'Didn't mind others holding baby' that should read. Sorry, loads of typos!

PaintedTshirt · 06/01/2016 22:52

Bert
Or, maybe- just maybe -sometimes even mothers can be wrong? Have you considered that possibility? Why is there an assumption that absolutely everything a mother thinks, wants or feels is right and should be gone along with?

I'm sure I made mistakes with DD as a new mother. However my child was a time of learning for me (And DH) I didn't want or need someone telling me I was doing it all wrong.

Cotto · 06/01/2016 22:58

Oh seriously Bert new mothers are wrong if they don't feel comfortable being away from their babies .
That's not a mistake/wrong, its natural and tough titty if MIL don't like it.

Thanks Painted it got a bit hairy there for a minute but you understand what I mean.

CiritheLionessofCintra · 06/01/2016 23:02

How can the mother in this OP be wrong for being annoyed and possibly not wanting to hand over her baby constantly? Hmm It's ridiculous. I never needed nor wanted a break from any of my babies.

Hihohoho1 · 06/01/2016 23:08

But why would any decent human bring sit on their arse cuddling a baby whole said babies parents are running around making tea?

When our ds/dil have their baby we expect to be running around supporting them do they can care for the baby.

We will willingly shop, cook, iron, garden for them so they are free to care for the baby and settle into bring a family unit.

Yes we are supporting that unit but not in the inner circle or wish to be.

We have no intention of muscling in on their previous time with the newbie.

I would no sooner be sat on my arse holding my grandchild while my dil waited on me.

There's far far too much visiting and baby passing around for my liking and I won't be a part of it.

Hihohoho1 · 06/01/2016 23:11

^^ I never needed a break or wanted to be apart from my babies either but accept not every mum feels the same.

Mind you by the terrible twos I would have given them away for free. Grin

Hihohoho1 · 06/01/2016 23:12

Bert because it's her baby! Her time to be a mummy and her rules just like I had my time and presumably you had yours.

Krampus · 06/01/2016 23:29

Hopefully we'll intentioned but over zealous and thick skinned.

It doesn't seem complicated to me.

KIf you've agreed to stay with someone for x days you don't make it more without consultation. Doesn't matter if it's your parents, hotel, friend or children.

If someone has gone to their private space to do something, let them do it in peace. If I am drinking a cup of tea downstairs anyone can clear my cup away when I'm done. If I've gone to my bedroom to drink it, don't wait outside for me to finish and don't come into my room to collect my cup.

My father, mother, mil and fil were all quite normal with regards to baby grandchildren. They did things like make tea, cook food, took a baby for a walk to give us 30 mins head place, when we stayed over did some of the early mornings, changed nappies, had cuddles, gave them back to us. They have never hovered, grabbed babies off us, refused to give hem back when screaming, claimed them as their own, thought they could make parent involvement decisions. All easy to understand normal stuff.

2rebecca · 06/01/2016 23:36

I would hate the hovering and rather than sit and simmer I would go to the door and tell her to please stop hovering outside my door and go away and read a book or something. Mine were usually put down for a sleep after breast feeding anyway.

knobblyknee · 06/01/2016 23:41

YANBU.

To find my MIL creeping around outside my room while I bf weird and irritating?
CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 06/01/2016 23:57

I had to be close to DS as he spent a lot of time cluster feeding. Feeds could take hours and PIL were adamant we should visit them often, oblivious that I'd need to spend most of the visit in the bedroom feeding. (Why couldnt they just come to us... It was a 5 min drive?!?!) MIL/SIL/FIL/BIL would often just take him off me if he was crying and say "there there, I'll stop him crying"

Er, no. My boob will stop him crying, he needs a feed again and the longer he cries, the leakier my boobs will get.

So while YANBU, she could have been IN there with you, hurrying you along, as my MIL/SIL were.

Hihohoho1 · 07/01/2016 00:28

cerse I know you shouldn't have to but why didn't you just refuse to go there?

Where was your dh in this?

No one should be taking babies off mummies, no one.

Makes my blood boil. Angry

ALongTimeComing · 07/01/2016 06:57

Bertrand because new mums are incredibly vulnerable too. They are trying their very best whilst in pain/lactating/recovering.

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 07/01/2016 08:18

I did refuse, it was a huge deal at the time. Lots of emotional blackmail on their part but they know I won't be pushed around now. It was worse at the start at there was a lot of "setting the terms"!

Original poster
SouthernComforter · 07/01/2016 08:56

I wonder if it's a lack of confidence or a sort of passive aggressive way of marking territory. She asked twice this morning if I was in the bathroom (I was only in there for 5 minutes!). When they first arrived I was changing baby and she walked in and picked him up off the mat saying 'I'll take the little man'. Surely you ask? When he cries and I go to take him she says things like 'Surely he can't need to feed again? ' as if there were no other reason I'd want to hold my own child.

Anyway, it's tattling and unnecessary now they are leaving. But for those saying DILs are so cruel - we DO see them about 5 times a year and I DO try and be empathetic (although I do think grown women controlling their own behaviour is a 2- way thing). I'm grateful for all opinions here as it has helped me see things from her perspectives and check my reactions a little. Difficult conversations litre ahead with DH.

OP posts:
PhoenixReisling · 07/01/2016 09:03

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! And some of those posters that have implied that you are need to wind their necks in!

Does she look/after and play with DS1? Or does she just want to hold etc DS2 and ignore DS1? If it's the latter then she is being very unfair/unreasonable.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/01/2016 09:06

Your dh is the key here but you already know that.

'It's their way' is his excuse not to have diffucult conversations with them and it's a limp one.

Good luck.

As I've already said I have 3 ds's and one day I might have a DIL, I would like to think I'll be considerate and non pushy.

I do think you have legitimate issues to discuss with your dh, whether he agrees and is prepared to discuss them with his parents is another matter.

PhoenixReisling · 07/01/2016 09:09

You do indeed ask to hold a baby....you don't just take it!

My MIL had form for this (and before I am accused of MIL bashing I think she is great).

It was partly over enthusiasm and partly a cultural thing (not from the uk). I just found being very firm blunt as being polite etc didn't work she would ignore this. For instance, if she took the baby from me and l would take them back instead of quietly seething and would very breezly say 'nearly finished MIL, you can have a cuddle with the baby when I have finished'.

You definiately need to have a talk with your DH about the visits.