To find my MIL creeping around outside my room while I bf weird and irritating?

[SouthernComforter]

I've written in detail elsewhere on here about my PILs - how they arrive earlier than agreed, book flights home for later than agreed, barely leave the house, how my MIL is a babyhogger - so I'll keep this specific. MIL didn't breastfeed any of her children, and since I also don't want to bf my 8wo in front of my FIL I come up to my bedroom (also a break from strained chat bcse by the end of a 6-day visit that was meant to be 3 days we don't have much to say). Today FIL and DH are busying themselves with flatpack furniture and DS1 is at nursery so it's me, the baby and my MIL. I was sitting on my bed feeding and heard my husband ask my MIL if she was ok. He had come out of the spare room (where they're putting furniture together) to find MIL creeping about on the landing. She replied that she was waiting to take the baby. She's now sitting on the sofa (in silence) with my sleeping baby while I strip the Xmas tree.

AIBU to think this is weird and yet more insanity-inducing behaviour or should I just accept that she is making the most of her time with her new grandson that she probably won't see for another good few months?

Sorry long post:

I understand why the mil defence league step in on threads like this, but I can see it from both sides. I have a difficult at times relationship with my in-laws. It's a very very long story but we have got to the point now where we can communicate well enough that we rub along well.

I stand up for myself, but also give as much as I can to them at the same time. I take dd to them weekly, include them in all big events and keep them updated about dd. I have found that they dialled down the crazy once they felt like an important part of her life. I stopped holding them at arms length and reminded myself constantly that they really love dd.

We have got to the point where we all get on very well, and dd adores them. It was crucial that I learnt to stand up to them though, and the building blocks for that were put in place when dd was first born. They were completely over the top to the point of upsetting dd every time they saw her. It was completely overwhelming for her. We spoke to them and spelt it out. They explained that they felt they were not getting much time with her and that it was causing them to get a tad over excited when they did see her.

There have been many uncomfortable conversations since then, but that was the turning point. We learnt to communicate and have worked through things since then. We are now close and dd benefits greatly from her relationship with them. We are even going on holiday together this year and I'm not dreading it!

So to those who say 'thank God they don't live close', I think its actually a shame. Your dc will miss out on a lovely extra side to their life if they don't have their grandparents as parts of their lives. And I say that as someone with difficult in laws!

I think the problems occur when any visitors stay too long.
I get in OK with my pil and they do help out but they always overstay which immediately puts my back up and spoils what would otherwise have been a nice visit.
Last week I was really clear that although they were welcome to stay for a few days we had had a busy few days and I was looking forward to spending some time with my kids and seeing a few friends before the holidays are over.
So we mutually agreed a time and I was happy hosting them (with a broken arm and dh at work all day).
Then on the day they were going they tell me they are staying another night and I realise that by the time they leave it will be late on ny eve and the holidays practically over.
The whole at,ops leer then becomes awkward and uncomfortable for all of us which is a shame.
I think this would happen regardless of who they were, it's n overstaying thing rather than a pil thing.

No words of advice OP, but my MIL is similar. She insists on pushing the pushchair if we go out together and even lied to a lady in the shop and told her that DS was hers (only 6 weeks old and I was standing right there!)

I love her but I honestly worry that she would steal him and drive cross county if I ever left DP.

The thing is, unless people use their words, it's all opinion. OP says that MIL had the baby immediately following the incident. So she didn't say no. There was no fallout. And who knows what MIL was thinking. Maybe she was on her own, maybe she thought I'll nip up and give dil a break, poor woman stuck in a bedroom and I can cuddle the baby. Then it was all quiet so she paused and listened to her son and husband bonding and then op's dh came out. Maybe it was all v natural. As plausible as her sliding up the stairs and slithering along the wall, barely containing a cackle of evilness.

There is no MIL defence brigade or soldiers of the bfing mother. There's a load of subjectivity.

It's a mild tale of MIL came upstairs to cuddle her grandchild. The motives and conjecture are baseless. The only way to manage the situation practically is to Speak Up. If necessary.

I suspect op, if you know this woman you probably know if she's crap with boundaries. Sounds like in the grand scheme of things, you're just getting through an awkward visit. That's fine. Maybe even best. But it's mild isn't it? Irritating sure but manageable. Were it overtly problematic, you could and should tackle it.

Enjoy the peace when you get the house back. You're brilliant to host. I adore my MIL and would never have done what you're doing.

Would never host with an 8wo I meant. You're rather fab just for that.

cranberry

My own mother takes my daughters pram from me. She's 7 months old now but my mum has done it since dot.

I think she likes to pretend people might think she is the mum . I wouldn't mind so much were it not for the actual physical removal of my hands from the pram handles she so skilfully does.

Raxa, I take your point, but she said she was 'waiting' to hold the baby. Not 'I just came up to see if I could hold the baby yet' or something. She was 'waiting'. Her words.

whatevva - your MIL sounds just like mine. She was absolutely amazing after both DSs were born. She flew over from Australia at my invitation (told DH to bugger off when he invited her, as its up to the mother to be who she has around her at his time, NOT the father), cooked, cleaned, gently bullied me into keeping my water intake up to make sure i could breastfeed properly, and spent several hours pacing the sitting room with a crying DS one night when i was at my wit's end and not coping with his screaming. She also very subtly watched me like a hawk when she thought i was on the verge of suffering from PND, but i didn't have a clue she was worried until she mentioned it much later.

Not once did she snatch him from me, and she was

Oh and those saying that mils should remember that their dills ar not their own flesh and blood? I think sometimes people forget that the baby is!

Well the MIL can "use her words" < blech> and ask if her DIL would like her to take the baby for a bit or if DIL prefers - would like a drink or something to eat.
Its lacking in boundaries to just go and do it. To remove a baby from its mother when the mother is tired, vulnerable and hormonal.

Well jolly good you adore your MIL raxa --I suspect shes not an overbearing ,lacking in boundaries MIL then

Bertthat doesn't give them the right to just do as they like though.
Seriously I cant believe how lacking in respect some MIL are.
Mine got told to butt out
By her own son and her best friend !

I think Cotto is saying she dislikes the phrase "use your words", rather than trying to be funny.

Oh no not funny at all just utterly ghastly and the sort of thing some people say to DC - I cant imagine anyone saying it to an adult DIL!

We have to speak up, not seethe silently. Things would probably get sorted out so much better, and faster, if we all did.

In my case, my MIL did not overstep physical boundaries (that was my mother's special skill) but she did like to take DS off for far too long in the pram when they first came down to meet him.

But-touching bump, hovering and stroking baby during breast feeds- no, no no. You have to ask people not to do it. Politely the first time, then less if they keep on doing it. And it's always uncomfortable, even with your own mother (who used to want to come in to our bedroom in the mornings, to my intense annoyance and DH's disbelief. I had to ask her not to, she was upset, I was relieved).

Totally agree MY
But why they think its ok in the first place is beyond me.

Maybe she'd been 'waiting' for 7 seconds. Maybe she'd decided to 'wait' there because she felt like a spare part on her own downstairs. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with waiting to hold the baby. It's polite even. It isn't snatching.

Cotto I agree with you in essence. I never said the MIL didn't overstep. I said nobody knows. Not even the MIL. OP didn't say no, not now and MIL snatched the baby. There was no mention of that. Only that MIL was holding the baby. Presumably, op handed the baby over. She might think she's helping. She might have very kind intentions and as nobody has said otherwise, she doesn't know the names she's being called on the web.

We can only control our own behaviour. We can politely stand firm and insist. Or we can call names on the Internet over a subjective and brief description.

I've seen threads about neighbours taking in washing for posters when it has rained for example and the op is cross and people agree it's weird and intrusive. Then other people say no hang on it's kind. It's all subjective and we bring our own backgrounds to the conversation. My point is, people have different boundaries and unless you're clear about them, you can't claim people aren't respecting them. Not in subjective scenarios. If as many people are Team MIL as they are Team OP as you're splitting it, then I think it's not clear that MIL is doing half the stuff she is accused of.

I can understand how annoying this could get day after day, probably trying to soak up as much of dgc as possible.

Cotto some of your remarks sound a little bit hysterical tbh.

I'll explain the hyperbole shall I? Use your words was used ironically. I say it to my dc jokingly. I teach them that nobody knows their thoughts. I assume grown ups have this lesson ingrained. It was tongue in cheek.

Never mind though. You don't have to like the phrase. Blech and faces are actually quite rude. Picking over how people say things is quite rude. If we're talking about boundaries.

Hysterical ? umm ok.

Maybe its my memory of feeling utterly distraught at having my BF baby constantly removed from my arms, taken and her saying that's "enough of that" ( BF) or the time she deliberately walked off with DD1 when we were out shopping and didnt come back for 3 hours.( DH called the Police)
Yep I was hysterical after 3 hours of not knowing where my baby was.
Now- nope not hysterical but I really do remember how she made me feel.
It took her own son and oldest friend to sit her down and tell her she was being appalling and completely out of order.
I am not anti GP at all ,in fact we all get on rather well now.

Sorry its just one of those Americanisms that makes my toes curl along with good jaaab

Apologies Raxa

"Maybe its my memory of feeling utterly distraught at having my BF baby constantly removed from my arms, taken and her saying that's "enough of that" ( BF) or the time she deliberately walked off with DD1 when we were out shopping and didnt come back for 3 hours.( DH called the Police)"

Yes, because that is an exact parallel with the OP

Im probably reflecting on my own experiences too much so shall go.
I actually remember feeling murderous towards her.

Hopefully this will come in handy though and I will treat my own DIL ( only one son) with respect .

As I said Bert im reflecting too much on my own experience- I didn't say it was the same as the OP .

"I do wonder whether it is not understanding how a BF mother feels- I was overwhelmed by the feelings when my baby was away from me."

Gosh, now you have me thinking I must be weird, Cotto.

Years ago now, but I bf and yet I distinctly remember leaving pfb sleeping in a basket at MILs feet, while I went off to dance in the grass with SIL at an open air music/picnic thing. Was having a great old time, and only occurred to me come back to them when the front of my dress got wet (didn't know enough back then, to expect wet dresses, so was )!

I wouldn't have allowed a stranger to walk off with my baby ... obviously ... but I didn't ever feel that bf'ing made me any more possessive or emotional than friends who ff. Never thought about that before.