To find my MIL creeping around outside my room while I bf weird and irritating?

[SouthernComforter]

I've written in detail elsewhere on here about my PILs - how they arrive earlier than agreed, book flights home for later than agreed, barely leave the house, how my MIL is a babyhogger - so I'll keep this specific. MIL didn't breastfeed any of her children, and since I also don't want to bf my 8wo in front of my FIL I come up to my bedroom (also a break from strained chat bcse by the end of a 6-day visit that was meant to be 3 days we don't have much to say). Today FIL and DH are busying themselves with flatpack furniture and DS1 is at nursery so it's me, the baby and my MIL. I was sitting on my bed feeding and heard my husband ask my MIL if she was ok. He had come out of the spare room (where they're putting furniture together) to find MIL creeping about on the landing. She replied that she was waiting to take the baby. She's now sitting on the sofa (in silence) with my sleeping baby while I strip the Xmas tree.

AIBU to think this is weird and yet more insanity-inducing behaviour or should I just accept that she is making the most of her time with her new grandson that she probably won't see for another good few months?

But you are right NanaNina and Itsanewday, some of my language was loaded. It's been a long week and DH will be going back to work without much 'just us' family time and I'm tired. As a mum of 2 young boys I do try to show empathy and I think I've been ok for most of the week. I'm v aware that I will be the MIL in 30 years' time! And I WILL listen to them when it comes to staying in their houses...

I feel for you. I have a MIL like this - well she was 18years ago when mine was baby. Infact MIL would hover outside the bedroom door, get up to watch nght feeds. She used to get her head so close to my breasts during feeding it was a real breach of personal space.

Like you they lived bloody miles away and like you, wold push to come and stay for 3 or 4 days and once they stayed ...3 weeks! Yes 3 WEEKS!!! 3 whole fucking agonising weeks!! Even when we asked them to leave (politely but firmly) they couldnt leave - long story for another thread!!

It boils down to 2 things - she wanted to make the most of the precious time with her grandchild she loves with all her heart and also being batshit!!!

I have learnt over the years to be blunt and firm as subtle and polite does not work with her. My advice would be to set some firm boundaries with your DH on how you will bth handle similar future visits and weird behaviour!!!

Hope tonigh flies by for you.

Here is a comforting thought: In years to come they will be bored pre-teens in need of constant entertainment over the holidays and you might be thrilled for MIL to hog them for a couple of days .

"She won't be around for ever"

That's just nasty, Moop

She didn't know what to do with herself when everyone else was occupied and, by the sound of it, upstairs.

Spot on.

Lovely post Raxa, makes sense.. Not to excuse inappropriate overstepping of boundaries (like you say) but just as a general understanding of what grandparents feel.

I think you are way nicer than me OP.
I just didn't want a woman who I didn't really like around me at such a vulnerable time.
So I went for long naps and then kept DC in a sling

My DdepartedMIL would have been supervising the flat-pack furniture construction, whilst liaising with me to make sure that they were doing it properly, whilst supplying me with tea and kit-kats in the sitting room, and probably would have had the tree stripped, packed and labelled for next year.

I once had to tell her to go out with the boys, when I needed some alone time with the twins, having just got them out of SCBU. She did, understood, and never showed any resentment, and stayed a further 2 weeks helping in the house, with the toddler, and giving cuddles, winding etc when the babies were awake. All the meals/tea/kit-kats appeared on a regular schedule. She was wasted - could have run the country.

Go, Radiohelen! I hate this how very dare paternal grandmothers have feelings at all and especially have feelings about their grandchildren. And esoecially any feelings about grandchildren that aren't mediated and policed by their dils. It's so cruel.

I think it's both. She's making the most of her visiting time but lurking in hallways outside closed doors is odd

She may well be enthusiastic and making the most of her time, but it would be interesting to hear from southern what she is like when DS1 is around. If she played with him etc, then you could argue she's being a little over enthusiastic. However, if she still hogs the baby and ignores DS1 for the most part then she is being batshit.

southern get some boundaries in place. Only allow them to stay a certain amount of agreed days and if they want to stay longer, then they can stay at a hotel/B&B/other relatives houses. Be firm and blunt, take DS off her and tell her he is having a cuddle with you/DH/etc and ask that she takes DS1 to the park to spend quality time with him.

It does sound as if she wants as many cuddles as possible & was at a loose end.

I'm wondering what would have happened if your husband hadn't spotted her?

What did he say to her?

Does she think that you are deliberately keeping baby away?

Bfeeding can take a while, can't it & then it's nice to have a cuddle & possible doze with them yourself.

I can't imagine that my first thought would be "must take baby back to MIL ASAP!"

Yabu. Your Mil probably wants to spend as much time with her gc as possible before she flies home. Presumably, she will not get to spend a lot of time with your dc if you don't live in the same country.
Yanbu to not want her creeping around.

It does make me think of Mrs Doyle from Father Ted, lurking in dark with a tea tray.

She sounds like a pain in the arse. But at least she doesn't live nearby!

"She sounds like a pain in the arse. But at least she doesn't live nearby!"

BecUse perish the thought that the op's partner and son might have a relationship with their mother and grandmother......

My MIL used to practically sit on my lap when I was bfing DS1 and would stroke his head while he was attached. I hated it - it felt like such an invasion of my personal space and my time with DS. I tried to rationalise it as they lived quite far away so didn't get to see him much but it drove me crazy. I didn't put up with it with DS2, would give her a job to do with DS1 while I was feeding the baby. It's tricky but you do need to try to get some boundaries in place whilst also respecting that your MIL wants a significant relationship with your son too.

I hope my son's wife let's me get some time with my grandchildren. It must be so hard being far away.

Don't worry - my MIL and FIL did loads with grandchildren, despite being a 5 1/2 hr journey away. They were very helpful and I never had to sit in a room away from them. They never told me I was a bad mum; quite the opposite. No Mrs Doyle impressions. You will be fine ;)

It's going to be so interesting in 30 years time to hear how these DIL with such horrendous MIL's get on when it is their turn to be the MIL. From all the threads I read they are all going to be totally ok with not seeing their sons for months even years once they are over 18. They won't mind if their son never contacts them because their DIL doesn't want him to(after all it's her house so her rules). They won't mind in the least that their DIL's mother can see their grandchildren at any time they wish but they can only see the children once every six months between 2-3 pm. I'm exaggerating? Well not much from the threads I read. They always make me feel so sad.

sofa, that's rather overstating the point. The OP doesn't have a problem with MIL having 'some time' with her grandchild; she just doesn't want her following her upstairs and hovering while she waits to hold the baby.

Ha we have the opposite! Mil couldn't be less interested in her grandchildren I used to put in lots of effort to try and promote the relationship but she moved abroad because there is "nothing to keep us in England "

I love these threads. MIL does something. OP is annoyed/upset. Cue loads of 'I hope you haven't got sons or you'll see how it feels to be excluded' comments. Did I miss the bit where the OP said she only allows MIL to visit once a year and makes her sleep in the shed???

Bert

In what world is lurking outside a room waiting to take the baby from his mother normal behaviour?

I think it's very nice when grandparents have a good relationship with their grandchildren...and behave normally with it.

Oh the usual overreactions and "wait until you are a MIL" bollocks all because a DIL doesn't feel comfortable with their MIL being over bearing and not respecting boundaries.
However excited you feel about DGC remember that you didn't give birth to the baby, your DIL did and she isn't your flesh and blood.
Show a bit of common sense and back off for a bit.
Make tea, offer to cook or change a nappy but leave a new BF mum and baby together.

I get on fine with mine because eventually DH told her she was being overbearing and intrusive, when she went to her BF for advice she agreed with him and told MIL off