To find my MIL creeping around outside my room while I bf weird and irritating?

[SouthernComforter]

I've written in detail elsewhere on here about my PILs - how they arrive earlier than agreed, book flights home for later than agreed, barely leave the house, how my MIL is a babyhogger - so I'll keep this specific. MIL didn't breastfeed any of her children, and since I also don't want to bf my 8wo in front of my FIL I come up to my bedroom (also a break from strained chat bcse by the end of a 6-day visit that was meant to be 3 days we don't have much to say). Today FIL and DH are busying themselves with flatpack furniture and DS1 is at nursery so it's me, the baby and my MIL. I was sitting on my bed feeding and heard my husband ask my MIL if she was ok. He had come out of the spare room (where they're putting furniture together) to find MIL creeping about on the landing. She replied that she was waiting to take the baby. She's now sitting on the sofa (in silence) with my sleeping baby while I strip the Xmas tree.

AIBU to think this is weird and yet more insanity-inducing behaviour or should I just accept that she is making the most of her time with her new grandson that she probably won't see for another good few months?

Added with the other things they do, then YANBU. At all. You are already tense and this is just another thing.

My FIL arrives early for things. I give him a time to arrive based on me finishing work, sorting things out ready for the evening, just having some breathing space between work and hosting (for he needs entertaining, it's not like he comes round and plays with the 6 yo or anything...oh no) and I'll get back from work to see his car parked up the road, whereupon he jumps out all happy and demanding and I just want to scream "give me 10 mins to go to the loo and have a quiet cup of tea".

She's batshit YANBU

So I can fully see the behaviour is a bit odd.... but playing devil's advocate.
What if she is trying to stretch every last second with her precious grandchild because it breaks her heart that she's so far away most of the time? What if holding your baby brings back memories of her own babies, ones that survived and maybe ones who didn't make it? What if she doesn't know how to talk to this strange girl her husband married? What if her mother took her baby off her after a feed and she enjoyed the time off? What if she feels like a trespasser in your home? None and all are possible.

It's only a few days and she'll soon be gone and you'll have your house and your baby to yourself again.

Depends on the 'lurking' . If it was standing motionless staring at the door knob for half an hour then obviously it falls into the category of extreme batshit'edness but if she just came up the stairs and hovered for a brief moment at the exact same time that your DH sprung her then it was ok.

We will never know, so it up to you whether you prefer the extreme batshit story or the probably more likely but less interesting bad timing scenario.

It's a bit like your description of her holding , 'your' "sleeping baby (in silence)." if you weren't already pre-annoyed with her I don't think you would care that she was 'silent' , in fact, you might prefer it as she would be less likely to wake the baby.

I think your MIL sounds really irritating and it doesn't sound like you need to go hunting for extra things to be irritated about.

Well said radiohelen - I always say this, but most of you young mothers will be MILs one day and if you have sons, you'll have DILs and I wonder what they'll be thinking about you. And creeping about the landing - makes it sounds sinister - she was just lurking and hoping to get a hold of her grandchild as she doesn't get much chance.

when my DS was 8 days old, my MIL insisted that we go to her house so all her friends could meet the baby. He needed his dirty nappy changing, I was 21 in a house of 40 odd year olds and felt really under pressure with everyone watching me so decided to change his nappy upstairs....something my DS hated for the first few weeks he used to cry really loudly. not change this time, he cried, but I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, I heard my DP ask his mum what she was doing as I was only changing his nappy, she then stated she was coming to check that HER baby was ok...................I did NOT find this ok. She constantly did things like this to me and it really got me down.....5 years later shes no where near as bad, im now 20 weeks with DS2 and like hell will I let her do things like that to me this time.

I feel your pain, its so bloody annoying.

'she was just lurking'

Well that's all right then

I think her behavior is odd and intimidating, hovering outside your door while you're bf to jump in to take the baby the minute you're done. That is overbearing and she is overstepping her bounds.

Also it seems creepy to me...I think generally, you sense some kind of ill will from your mil or that she is trying to undermine you in some way, that sense is what alerted me to the ill will of my mil before it became blatant, and that colors your feelings about her. Go with your instincts. She shouldn't come upstairs like that when it is clear you went upstairs to have privacy.

You'll need to think carefully how to respond to her ongoing behavior, may have to limit her visits.

It does sound creepy. I must say, in your shoes I'd make sure I had a good book in the bedroom and just stay there till she goes away.

I wouldn't normally go upstairs in someone else's house unless I needed the toilet, was invited or was staying. However, trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, if everyone else was upstairs maybe she was feeling left out. Is DC her first grandchild, if so, maybe she's very excited about it. Also, at least if she wants to spend time with DC, it means you can get on and do something - my MIL and DM only ever wanted to quick 5 minute cuddle

If she comes round again and is likely to be left on her own, make sure she has a newspaper/magazine to read and offer her the tv remove, so that way she has someone to do for a few mins.

Oh Bingo! NanaNina is here

Well I would assume that a BF mother wanted to be left in peace and I would wait to be offered not snatch a baby out of its mothers arms.
BF mothers find their babies being away from them very distressing- the feeling was awful, I cant describe it but it was like being tortured.

if everyone else was upstairs maybe she was feeling left out.

She's not five!

YANBU. Waiting to take the baby? That would royally piss me off. Your baby needs his mom, ie you. Not grandma. Stay in your room and nap with the baby!

My bitch MIL sat right next to the bed while I was Bfing, staring and criticising the baby's latch. Which was perfect BTW. I have never forgiven her for the way she behaved after DC1 was born and never will. Try and let your anger go. She won't be around forever.

They sound just like mine. Al that bloody hanging about discussing what to eat at the next meal. Dd is now 4 and mil still tries to hog her but Dd has a strong attachment to me and although she does adore mil, will stick up to her.
Last week she was poorly and sobbing in my lap, mil was badgering her "sit on nanny state lap, come on let mummy have a break, you like a cuddle with nanny etc etc" Dd gripped on tightly so mil just tried to grab her, cue Dd literally growling at her.
Ds will be like that in a few years.

Oh and nanna I am a mil and granny, have a great relationship with my dils and grandchildren and have never once felt the need to intrude on on them or take over.

My MIL is fabulous. I love her so much. Because we're close, she's very open about how becoming a grandma makes you feel. She was so floored by it. She said it's such a privilege. You never expect to feel that visceral love for a baby after raising your own. You don't know until it happens that you are knocked sideways by the feeling that the baby belongs, it is your kin. It looks like your own babies, takes you back to those precious moments which seemed like yesterday. And there's that extra layer of it being your baby's baby. Of the passing of time. Of pride.

Yes there's a difference between how appropriately and inappropriately you might choose to behave but it's important to remember that grandparents are adjusting to a new role too. And it's heady and overwhelming and when it's only a handful of days before months of separation, I can see why a grandmother wants to seize every opportunity to cuddle her grandchild who she loves and feels is part of her and her family and will never be this tiny again and she will miss months of change before her next cuddle.

The thing to do is I speak up. Say yes and no and here are my boundaries. But it is a kind thing to try and be sensitive to other people's good intentions and not project malicious motives. It's weird to accept that other people love your baby and feel viscerally connected to them but knowing the impulse to physically adore that baby yourself, you can appreciate how it might feel for a grandma who isn't able to visit much.

Put ds down when he's satisfied, creep to the door, rip it open shouting BOOO!

Its fine to love a grandchild Raxa its not fine to put your wants before those of a BF mother.

They are leaving tomo (2 days later than we agreed when they phoned DH on 24 December to say they'd booked a flight for 28 Dec and were planning to come for NY. I said no, then there was a guilty wrangle and we agreed 2-5 Jan so they booked a flight home for 7 Jan).

I know I should show a bit of empathy as we are unlikely to see them again until maybe Easter. I think it's a combo of my irritation that in 10 years they have never shown us the respect to adhere to our plans, that she assumes she has a right to hold my baby all the time she's here and that they never want to see or do anything while they're here so the days pass very slowly. Anyhow they're leaving tomo so just one last evening of niceties before I can cuddle my baby oon my sofa and order Thai takeaway for dinner

NanaNina I'm 47 [not so young] with 3 older ds's, one day I might be a MiL, I don't think I'll be hovering or be a baby hogger, the behaviour as described by Southern in both of her threads sounds smothering.

I'm not a MiL basher but I'd be irritated by them.

Cotto I said as much. I acknowledged the difference between inappropriate and appropriate behaviour.

I do wonder whether it is not understanding how a BF mother feels- I was overwhelmed by the feelings when my baby was away from me.
Its something that took me completely by surprise.
I can only call it torturous and unbearable- obviously caused by hormones.
Maybe the MIL and NanaNina haven't experienced this as most FF in the 60s/70s.
The feelings peaked around 4 months and then slowly faded.

I am looking forward to being a GM but I will never insist on separating a mother and baby.

I also stated that it is absolutely up to the mother to define boundaries.

It's so hard having guest with a baby in the house. You sound like you need your space back. FWIW I don't think it was sinister behaviour but over enthusiastic.

As for doing nothing, if they've visited frequently, maybe they have nothing new to see, or they want to spend as much time with the baby as possible?

Perhaps its time to put boundaries in OP so they can't extend their stay without consultation?

I'm not normally one to defend the MIL, but we hear about truly terrible in laws on here and yours don't compare.