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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find my MIL creeping around outside my room while I bf weird and irritating?

204 replies

SouthernComforter · 06/01/2016 13:28

I've written in detail elsewhere on here about my PILs - how they arrive earlier than agreed, book flights home for later than agreed, barely leave the house, how my MIL is a babyhogger - so I'll keep this specific. MIL didn't breastfeed any of her children, and since I also don't want to bf my 8wo in front of my FIL I come up to my bedroom (also a break from strained chat bcse by the end of a 6-day visit that was meant to be 3 days we don't have much to say). Today FIL and DH are busying themselves with flatpack furniture and DS1 is at nursery so it's me, the baby and my MIL. I was sitting on my bed feeding and heard my husband ask my MIL if she was ok. He had come out of the spare room (where they're putting furniture together) to find MIL creeping about on the landing. She replied that she was waiting to take the baby. She's now sitting on the sofa (in silence) with my sleeping baby while I strip the Xmas tree.

AIBU to think this is weird and yet more insanity-inducing behaviour or should I just accept that she is making the most of her time with her new grandson that she probably won't see for another good few months?

OP posts:
Cotto · 06/01/2016 21:08

Im talking about the MIL ( and mine) who do not understand BF FGS!!!
They constantly want to take the baby away to give the BF mother " a break" when its the last thing they want or need !!!!!

I was talking about how I felt - it was very difficult - sorry about that Hmm

ADishBestEatenCold · 06/01/2016 21:08

"I have no idea about FF. BF does promote a bond - only the mother does it unless expressing but mine were bottle refusers ."

I think it is your baby that promotes the bond ... and that bond is just as strong whether bf or ff.

I do think that, for a variety of reasons, some people are a little more intense about it than others.

I say this as someone who bf all my children ... sometimes two at once Grin .

Cnmorgan13 · 06/01/2016 21:08

Calm your tits ladies... Lol litterly! Nowhere has cotto said that bf is better than ff, she is simply stating her opinion and experiences as she hasn't ff.

reni2 · 06/01/2016 21:12

That's unpleasant, hiddenhome2, unless it is some movie reference or something?

Is she supposed to be repulsive because she's old or because she's a grandmother?

CiritheLionessofCintra · 06/01/2016 21:12

OP, YANBU.

The 'waiting for the baby' would annoy me greatly. If MIL spent the majority of the visit with the baby and God forbid his mother took him away to feed him. Hmm She didn't go upstairs because she felt left out, she went upstairs to wait for the baby, she said so herself. It's rude and grabby to follow someone and automatically expect the baby. What if OP wants a cuddle?

Also I've BF and FF my children and never had a stronger bond with my first child than I have with my third. To imply such a thing is rude and insulting to women that FF.

HelsBels3000 · 06/01/2016 21:14

I think Cotto may have something there about MIL trying to sabotage BF though - thinking back I reckon my own DM's attitudes towards BF was what discouraged me from persevering
'oh, it doesn't give anyone else chance to feed baby' i.e herself
'oh it means that you have to do all the feeds at night'
'oh its very restricting to your life, having to take baby everywhere with you'
and so on.

Cotto · 06/01/2016 21:15

I am specifically talking about the BF mother who needs her baby with her most of the time to maintain the BF bond/milk as opposed to FF which carries on whoever is holding the baby.

I don't think some MIL who come in wanting to give the BF mother a break actually understand that its not wanted nor desirable if you are BF.
Thanks ADish but please don't make me out to be a neurotic mother thanks Hmm

Katastrophe13 · 06/01/2016 21:16

I'm going to get my tits out now and state that a FF baby needs its mum as much as a bf baby. Obvs not for milk, but they still want to be physically close to their mother and vice versa. I bf and FF and for me my need to be with them was the same and my babies have always wanted me over other people.
Anyway, sorry for derailing op but from what you have said her behaviour sounds a bit odd. Maybe she just felt uncomfortable down stairs on her own though.

Cotto · 06/01/2016 21:16

Phew hels yes

Cocolepew · 06/01/2016 21:18

My mum saw her GC, my brothers children, once maybe twice a year for about a week each time. They lived in England we are in NI.
The GC are now 19 and 15 and adore my mum and dad.

My in laws live in the same town as us. My DDs dont want anything to do with them. Because they have acted like twats for years.
To be fair they were twats before the DDs came along.

FlatOnTheHill · 06/01/2016 21:23

There are some fekking lunatics on this thread I know that Confused

Cotto · 06/01/2016 21:23

I am not and have never implied that FF babies have no bond with their mothers Hmm
BF babies have to spend time with their mothers to maintain the BF bond/ milk factory Grin
That's it- they need to be close to keep the boobs flowing in the early weeks- they don't need the bloody mil grabbing them all the time.

Cotto · 06/01/2016 21:26

Was that to me Flat?
Yep Im a lunatic- I didnt like my MIL disappearing with a 3 week old baby for 3 hours randomly while we were out shopping with no reason and had to call the Police as we thought she might have had an accident.
tsk silly me Hmm

Hihohoho1 · 06/01/2016 21:33

I am a mil.

icuddled all my 4 after feeding by tit or teat, that's normal. Grin

Op if I was your mil I would he downstairs sorting your tree, making you a cuppa and a casserole for dinner and a lasagna for the freezer.

I would also have done your ironing and washing if you agreed

New Babies are not parcels and shouldn't be passed around. They need mum and dad. Others come second.

ADishBestEatenCold · 06/01/2016 21:33

"Thanks ADish but please don't make me out to be a neurotic mother thanks"

It does (potentially) sound a little neurotic (to me) to hear someone say that their MIL is deliberately trying to break the bond they have with their children.

[Reminded me of the film, 'The hand that rocks the cradle' (or whatever)].

I did go on to balance and clarify that, by saying 'you know your MIL', etc.

Katastrophe13 · 06/01/2016 21:34

but by saying that by babies need to be with their mothers and be mothers can't bear to be away from their babies it did come across that your opinion was that FF mothers wouldn't give a crap about palming their baby off onto someone else to look after. Anyway, sorry about what you had to go through with you mil going off for 3 hours, that must have been scary...

Hihohoho1 · 06/01/2016 21:34

cotto

Your mil is bat shit crazy.

Original poster
SouthernComforter · 06/01/2016 21:36

FWIW, I do want my DSs to have good relationships with both sets of grandparents and am careful to remain at least neutral and friendly in all conversations and references in front of DSs - partly why I'm venting here. I've even suggested more visits (both ways) of shorter length, as I don't think longer visits benefit any of us. DH says this 'is not their way ' but going forward there just has to be a bit more compromise, which there hasn't been before (it was worse when DS1 was born and they came for 2 weeks the day after I got out of hospital. There was no agreement about that visit).

(To the poster who mentioned Mrs Doyle - spot on)

OP posts:
Katastrophe13 · 06/01/2016 21:37

The be and the by should obviously say bf.

Hihohoho1 · 06/01/2016 21:45

Why why why do grandparents assume new parents first desire is for house guests?

Mental.

Alisvolatpropiis · 06/01/2016 21:48

Erm, I ff and no it isn't normal for visiting family to hold her all day. Happy for family and friends to have a cuddle as I'd like my daughter to have close relationships with those who my husband and I are close to, but constant holding/hovering/wanting to take her from me would get on my empty tits.

Cnmorgan13 · 06/01/2016 21:50

Hiho, I know right?! Yeah I've just birthed a human and I would just love for you to come over and hold said human while I run around after you. Hmm aye right! 2 words to that and the 2nd is off lol Grin

Cotto · 06/01/2016 22:02

Kat I didn't say that at all but FF babies can go to others ie the MIL for the day when BF cannot( unless you express but fuck that quite frankly)

I don't think BF mothers care more about their babies - the milk production means they need to be in closer proximity particularly in the early weeks
The hormones produced by BF made me feel very unhappy/uncomfortable when my baby wasn't with me- I don't think that makes me strange or a lunatic...

abbsismyhero · 06/01/2016 22:03

im sorry but not seeing your grandchild often or seeing them everyday cuddling constantly is just not normal surely? its not your baby its your grandchild

honestly its supposed to be quick cuddle HAND BACK to parents

BertrandRussell · 06/01/2016 22:04

Or, alternatively "I have just birthed a human. A human who is a member of a family. Obviously, that human's father and me are the most important people in it's life, but it can't have too much love and too many people looking out for it and cuddling it and thinking it is the most amazing person in the whole wide world"