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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding mum not helping more

365 replies

sellisx · 05/01/2016 12:21

To start with, I don't have a great relationship with my mum as it is. I think she is narcissistic. But I want somebody else's view.

I have struggled through my pregnancy, it got worse giving birth. And even worse having a baby. I have no friends, not exaggerating, the last time I saw my only friend was a year ago. My mum knows this and still refuses to help. Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child.

I asked my mum, who has only had my child once over night. She asked when the bus leaves I told her it was 6am (the only early bus) and she goes "oh what, can't you get a later one being your staying over night" I said no, its already booked she asked when I was coming back, I told her 6pm the next night. she goes "oh brilliant so I'm literally having him for two nights. thanks for that"

This from the woman who swaned away on her 50th last year, leaving me with her bloody cat!

I realise my mum is not a babysitter, she doesn't have to look after him ever, but why won't she just love my son? Why is she punishing by having a baby? (she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 05/01/2016 12:22

Sorry but he should have asked before booking it.

She doesn't sound very supportive though I agree.

LindyHemming · 05/01/2016 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammaTJ · 05/01/2016 12:24

I'm sorry, but you really should not be expecting someone who kicked you out when you were pregnant to help much! It is not realistic and will only continue to hurt you if you continue to expect or hope for it.

MushroomMama · 05/01/2016 12:25

The fact she kicked you out when you were pregnant sounds like she only cares about herself. She sounds a lot like my mother she's had my son once overnight and moaned about it so i didn't ask again.

Would your boyfriends parents be able to have your baby overnight?

Pootles2010 · 05/01/2016 12:25

Yes he was mad to book before asking her, thats downright rude.

I agree its a shame she's not more hands on, but there you go. My Mil has never had DS overnight. Disappointing, but up to her.

Original poster
sellisx · 05/01/2016 12:25

I should also add, she always takes a week off work during my birthday anyway so its not like she would be busy.

I know looking after a toddler is mind numbing but why couldn't she said something softer like "oh it'll be a long day for me but nice for you to get a break"

MIL doesn't babysit often either but she one time, stayed over while me and OH went to a wedding, we woke her up coming in a 2am, but she stayed the night and even went to work the next day. Not a word of complaint whereas my mum "needs two days off work after having him to 'get over it'" Confused

OP posts:
Iamnotloobrushphobic · 05/01/2016 12:26

Can you take your child away with you.
It would be nice if your mum would have your son but she clearly doesn't want to. Next time she goes away dont have her cat.

Nanny0gg · 05/01/2016 12:26

(she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

This implies that you're quite young?

Your boyfriend really should have asked first, even if she's a willing babysitter.

Are his parents involved at all?

Nanny0gg · 05/01/2016 12:28

The fact she kicked you out when you were pregnant sounds like she only cares about herself.

Not necessarily.

Lurkedforever1 · 05/01/2016 12:28

Yanbu to want her to love him. But yabu to think she owes you free childcare whenever you want. The baby isn't her responsibility. And your boyfriend is massively unreasonable to think it's ok to book a trip without investigating the child care aspect first.

BarbarianMum · 05/01/2016 12:28

If you think this then you have your answer.

Original poster
sellisx · 05/01/2016 12:29

Can't ask FIL as he is disabled, paralyzed from the waist down so isn't able to change my son etc. Which my mum deightfully said "oh he must be able to do some stuff if he can drive"

MIL is having my son two weeks after my birthday while OH takes me to a concert. So can't ask her again. I know we shouldn't be going out so often but as I have nobody else, I think he likes to treat me to have time away from my son.

I would love another baby but I actually cry at the thought of getting no help. That's not right surely?

I know I should probably cut contact with my mum but she lives a minute away so I'd feel even lonlier

OP posts:
antimatter · 05/01/2016 12:29

You can't just book trip away without agreeing who is going to look after your child.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 05/01/2016 12:30

Yes your OH needs to stop booking this without childcare.

Try sitters website or something

Original poster
sellisx · 05/01/2016 12:31

I know she isn't a babysitter, I stated that in my post. This is the second time I've asked her. OH wants me to have a little break away without the baby and its a busy city, plus he won't sit on the bus etc.

Yeah I was 20 when I got pregnant.

OP posts:
BlueRaptor · 05/01/2016 12:33

Does your little one go to nursery/play schemes etc? Is there anyone there you could ask?

I worked in nurseries for years and ran the baby room, I'd often do babysits in the evening and on a few occasions did overnights/weekends so parents could go away. Aware this only works if you have someone you really trust though, obviously not advising asking just anyone :)

Hope you get it sorted, sounds like you could do with a nice break!

2016ismyyear · 05/01/2016 12:33

Sellisx lots of people have children with no help. You do have help. Unfortunately with the help from your mother comes lots of guilt and angst.

Concentrate on people who help you and make you feel good.
Sort of your lack of friendships and build a better support network :-)

GreenishMe · 05/01/2016 12:33

I don't know how old your DC is, but I'd be uncomfortable leaving my baby/child with someone who's made it so clear that she doesn't want to do it.

Part of being a parent means that we have to sometimes forgo doing things we'd love to do unfortunately. Don't leave your child with Cruella Deville?

Original poster
sellisx · 05/01/2016 12:33

OH is not really to blame. My mum has the week off work anyway. There's no babysitters in my area that do over night care

This is the first time I've seen my mum since Christmas, she didn't even ask how I am, how my job is going or anything.
Just keeps saying "FML because I couldn't order a pair of undies on m&s website last night. Effing hate my life. Kill me now"

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 05/01/2016 12:34

I think it was rude to book without sorting out childcare first

MushroomMama · 05/01/2016 12:35

I'd cancel the trip this time if that's possible?

Have to agree that he needs to sort the childcare before booking the break away. We go to center parcs when we can as they offer a really good babysitting service so we can pop out for a meal.

With your mum lower your expectations so that anything is a bonus don't expect the usual "mum" things out of her.

Samcro · 05/01/2016 12:35

she doesn't have to babysit.
you should accept this and stop booking stuff and expecting people to babysit.

Original poster
sellisx · 05/01/2016 12:35

Unfortunatly I don't have anybody else though. The only people I see are my mum and my boyfriend. It's awfully depressing and very very very lonely. He's only 18 months so no nursery

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/01/2016 12:35

Sorry op but it isn't your mum's responsibility to provide on demand childcare. It is really nice your OH wants to give you a break away but the first thing he should have sorted was childcare.

It is obvious you have a difficult relationship with your mum, but it really won't help if you see her helping out as something she should be doing rather than her doing you a favour when she can. Maybe it really does take her two days to recover after she's babysat your child?

dementedpixie · 05/01/2016 12:36

And he is to blame for not sorting out childcare himself if he was the one booking the night away