AIBU regarding mum not helping more

[sellisx]

To start with, I don't have a great relationship with my mum as it is. I think she is narcissistic. But I want somebody else's view.

I have struggled through my pregnancy, it got worse giving birth. And even worse having a baby. I have no friends, not exaggerating, the last time I saw my only friend was a year ago. My mum knows this and still refuses to help. Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child.

I asked my mum, who has only had my child once over night. She asked when the bus leaves I told her it was 6am (the only early bus) and she goes "oh what, can't you get a later one being your staying over night" I said no, its already booked she asked when I was coming back, I told her 6pm the next night. she goes "oh brilliant so I'm literally having him for two nights. thanks for that"

This from the woman who swaned away on her 50th last year, leaving me with her bloody cat!

I realise my mum is not a babysitter, she doesn't have to look after him ever, but why won't she just love my son? Why is she punishing by having a baby? (she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

'A good social life? I'm 22 with no friends, having only been out once. I wouldn't call that a good social life. I cried myself to sleep on my 21st birthday because nobody had text to wish me a happy birthday and no family had offered to babysit.'

But this is the life you chose. You chose to have a baby young, knowing your mum wasn't going to be on board.

You do sound a bit entitled (and immature, but you are young so perhaps that's to be expected). Take responsibility for yourself and your life and you'll be happier in the long run.

It's understandable to feel hurt that your mother is not supportive.

BUT - you need to take control of your life! Why don't you have any friends? having a baby is tough but it's also a great way to meet people. You need to really put effort into building a support network - all the research into happiness levels show that it is friendship and social networks that keep people happy and sane.

Make a list of every single playgroup/ club in your area - go to them all. Join local groups of any description. Decide that 2016 is going to be the year you meet new people.

It will take a while for a real friendship to flourish but you need to do this!

You say you want to cry with nerves about going to a baby group. OP that is a very severe level of anxiety. You need to get help.

When my children were babies I never felt sad for not being able to leave them for a couple of hours so I can have time for myself and my husband. But each to their own...

Now, think of how lucky you are to have her in an emergency! Unfortunately all you can do is keep your baby with you and play by her rules so you won't upset her with your "illogical" according to her demands. Imagine if you have to go to hospital or take some other, future child to hospital and your boyfriend is there with you, who will look after your baby then? I know it's not an ideal relationship and as a grandmother you would like her to crave the longing to be with your baby but all you can do is at least keep her happy for an emergency :(

OP when my mum got divorced and wanted/needed help from Her mum she got the same answer "you made your bed you lie in it" but there was financial help in the way of installing gas meters for lodgers for our house.

FFW a few years after my brother had been chronically ill with asthma and my nana was far nicer to us financially and made more time for us.

But some if not lots of people are not mother material even some of my mums friends only look after their GC one day a week at most.

I think things will start to get a bit easier when your child starts nursery in 6 months. But it will only happen if you make it so! If you scuttle into nursery at the last minute in the morning and arrive at the last minute to scoop your child up you still aren't going to make any friends! In the meantime, find out the number of the organisers or any local toddler groups, phone them in advance on the pretext of checking times, charges or whatever and then tell them you will be attending. On the day, you know you at least have someone to ask for and who will show you the ropes. The hardest thing is getting in the door, once you are there and your child starts to play, conversation becomes much easier with other mums - which child is yours? What a lovely name! Wow, he's tall for his age? Have you been coming here long? Oh, you're pregnant again, when are you due? - and off you go!

Yes, it's disappointing your mum doesn't want to be more involved in your child's life, but there isn't really anything you can do about that. You have to concentrate on you and your child and things you can change to make life easier. You're going to have to get all your courage together and go to the mum and toddler group, not just for friends for yourself but also for your child.

Your boyfriend was a bit daft booking a trip over Valentine's Day without arranging childcare first, but it's done. Can you take the wee one with you?

I think the mother issue is a bit of a red herring, to be honest. Sure, she doesn't sound like much of a mother or indeed a particularly nice person, but she's not the reason you don't have friends, or anyone else to turn to. And her unwillingness to help has become the focus of your unhappiness, when its really only a tiny part of the problem.

You sound very low and lonely, and that is something only you can solve, not her. Would you go talk to your GP? Have you felt like this since the baby was born? Its possible you have a touch of undiagnosed PND, which the GP can help with. You also need to try and make a huge effort to get out and meet people at groups, playgroups, whatever is going on - make some friends who you have more in common with.

And your partner needs to wise up and not make plans that rely on other people when he hasn't checked with those people first. I'm guessing he and your mum don't get on either...

Sorry op I am going to agree with others you do sound a tad entitled. It is not down to your mother to give you a break. If a grandparent wants to help, then great if they don't that's completely fine. why your oh booked a trip away without organising childcare first I don't know and to be fair you are going to the concert so it's not as if you are doing nothing.

To be honest it sounds as if you need to find ways to improve your life yourself. You did choose to have a child and it's hard but you can't sit around waiting for things to get better on their own. Go out with your son, join baby groups, go out while your oh looks after the baby etc. No one owes you anything to make it all better, only you can do that. Will you get lots of overnight trips? No but such is parenthood I am afraid. Can't you do late dinner and movie indoors when your son goes to bed if you want couple time

Goodness, OP, I think you're more than deserving of a good moan about how absolutely useless your mother is.

That said, you need to draw a line under it and move on. I really feel for you, please make some friends - find a mother and toddler group.

You really do deserve better than this from your mother. I'd be unhappy if either of my children had a baby at 20, but once the decision was made I'd be there for them.

OP who looks after your DS while you work? Do you work FT or PT? Do you work as part of a network or are you self employed (apologies if you've already mentioned this). Are there any possibiiities of socialising with work colleagues while your DP is at home with your son?

I hope you're reading all of the responses to your thread with the kindness they are meant. We are trying to help you not to rely on your DM, and to find your own identity and support network. Your own happiness and possibly your relationship with your DP and even your DM will benefit hugely by being stronger emotionally and having interests of your own.

And I'm a firm believer in youngsters being given plenty of opportunities to try new activities, learning social skills and developing their 'independence'.

The ops age has nothing to do with feeling anxious dissapointed sad and lonely no need to mention a relatively first time mothers age

I'm sorry things are so difficult for you.

In some ways, it does sound as if your mum isn't being motherly enough towards you. She sounds as if she might have cut you off emotionally because she's so angry (or disappointed) that you got pregnant. She may also resent that you chose to continue with the pregnancy despite having no other support but her. That said, she doesn't sound very nice and I have no idea why you allow her to lean inappropriately on you, phoning the garage about her car for instance. You both are in dire need of healthy boundaries.

At the same time, I feel a bit sorry for your mum. Some people have parents who are dying to help out with grandchildren and others see it as a duty, but it's not really, you know? Our responsibility is to raise our children while they're children. Having children yourself is a completely adult responsibility that you take on as an adult. Part of being an adult is knowing that the buck stops with you - that is, no one else is under any obligation to see your son gets looked after except you.

No, there's nothing wrong with feeling like you don't have the help in place to have another baby. you are far too isolated as it is. If it's not really working out for you with one child, the best thing to do is not have a second. It's not your mum's job to make you feel supported enough to have another. Sorting out your baby is for you and the baby's dad to take care of all on your own.

You will continue to unhappy for as long as you keep up with the self-pity and the comparing yourself to others. I agree that is it's crap to have an unmaternal parent when other people are getting lots of help. But everyone has their own stuff, really they do. And if you had decided to have a baby when you could really cope with one and you had the support in place, you might have found your mum was much more willing to help. As things stand, she might be holding off partly because she knows that there would be an avalanche of childcare requests if you got used to her helping out.

One last thing. When I book time off work, I do it because I need time off work. I cannot keep healthy unless I take that time to rest. Many people are like this. I have also 'earned' that time and unless there is a responsibility that I've willingly taken on, it's my time to enjoy that rest. I would be very annoyed if my DD came to me and said, 'I see you've booked a week off work so that's the same thing as me having an opportunity to go on my holidays because you'll be doing nothing anyway and here the dates I've decided to go, I'm not interested in any plans you might have made for yourself because it's already booked'. Boundaries are needed; you wouldn't treat anyone else like this. And even the nicest grandma in the world might have a problem with this. You will probably always feel disappointed in your mum but it would be much easier for you if you had a better idea of what it's reasonable to ask for.

When you decided to have this baby, it was your decision and your responsibility to see it through as an adult. It's not your mum's job and she didn't make you any promises. Try treating her really pleasantly and reasonably, being grateful for any help she agrees to give, tell her that you understand she doesn't want to share the responsibility of looking after your child but you really hope that in time she can come to love him and enjoy some kind of relationship with him - and see what happens.

There is one baby group but I'm not very confident and the thought of going on my own makes me cry

Do you think you may be depressed?Maybe make an appt with your GP and tell him how you're feeling?

How much childcare does your dp do? Do you get any time for you without the baby?

It may be hard but you do need to get out there - friends won't come knocking on your door! Ring your hv, tell her how you're feeling - maybe she could help?

It sounds hard to have a mum who isn't interested, but I'd advice cutting contact with her - at least for a while. What positive things does she bring to your life?? Don't take her to the shops/help her. let her get on with things. Disengage.

You can't change how someone else acts - ALL YOU CAN DO IS CHANGE HOW YOU REACT TO IT.

There's no point you going over and over the same things. She is how she is and sh won't change. You need to change how you handle her.

If you go out and have time for yourself - go for a walk, join a gym, book group, go for a run - anything - you'll feel better about yourself.

She isn't even there in an emergency, I've had to go into hospital with two different miscarriages, and had to take my son with me. Then got moaned at because he was being disruptive. Also had to take him when I was under sedation for dental work, I cried the whole walk home because I was so foggy and having to push a pram etc.
My HV is due tomorrow so will ask her about baby groups

Your mum sounds really really awful snd I'm not surprised you cry about your relationship and feel so lonely. I think that is entirely natural. MN has this big thing of posters not expecting any help from their parents with childcare, but the truth is your mum should love you and want to help you and it is really sad that she doesnt.

That said, you are where you are and you have to plan for your future. My advice would be to stop turning yourself inside out trying to build a relationship with your mum. You cant make her into something she is not. So dont ask her to babysit and tell her to look after he own fucking cat next time she goes on holiday!
I agree that your bf has given you a thoughtless present and dumped all the childcare donkey work onto you. Tell him to sort childcare with his mum or cancel the trip. Make sure he does his share of child care so you get some time alone.

Think about what you want from life, in terms of hobbies or classes or career training and plan for it. It is hard now, but your baby will get older and easier - there will be nursery and school soon and these will give you some independence back. Im not being flippant - the bit you are doing now is really tough when you have little support.

I strongly advise against another baby at this stage. Get your life sorted first.

I have read all responses with total kidness even the ones that give me a kick up the bum. It is true I am stuck in a hole of self pity. I never expected my life to be so empty and lonely. But I can't really find the energy to change it, I almost believe this is how I'm suppose to be now

What???
Why didn't your partner have your child during your MCs?
Why couldn't he have your child for your dental work?
Everyone has annual leave. Are you really in a relationship with a sensible, mature, compassionate man who pulls his weight with regards childcare? I'm sorry op, it doesn't seem like it. And if that's the case then please, please hold off from planning any other children with this man.

Your mum does sound very cold and disinterested, and that must be very hard to take. For that you do have my sympathy.

Your DP's mum is different. Perhaps that is why he seems not to have grasped that yours doesn't want any involvement with your child.

He has made a lovely gesture to you by booking the break, but he was really very silly to do so without sorting childcare first. That is one of the hardest things as new parents. You can't just do things like that spontaneously anymore. Childcare sees to that. You need to somehow get that through to him or he might do it again. It was thoughtless of him, albeit perhaps unintentionally so.

My parents live 3 hours away and have only ever provided emergency childcare, for example if I have been having another baby, or in hospital occasionally. I couldn't just ask at the drop of a hat, and they would not have wanted to be a regular fallback option either.

That said, I do have a good relationship with mine and they aren't cold to me like your mum seems to be to you.

Childcare first, before booking time away. If you don't have it then you can't go. Simple as that really, but it needs drummed into your DP somehow.

Sorry, meant to add that I'm sorry for your losses.

I agree with what lentilstew said. It sounds as if you expect your DM to replace the input that you should be getting from your partner.

"but the truth is your mum should love you and want to help you and it is really sad that she doesnt."

I agree.

But a lot of GPs now are still themselves working full time & can't help even if they want to.

Plus Op does have a partner to share the parenting with.

Sometimes time as a couple has to go on the back burner when you decide to have kids.

Oh OP that's fucking awful, I'm regretting being blunt now

My boyfriend came with for the first one but he was at work when the next one happened so I had to walk to the hospital myself. He was away on a business meeting so couldn't come with, I needed tooth out as it was an abscess so couldn't hold off.
Didn't mean to drip feed there but she was off work all three occasions and didn't even offer an ounce of help, but it's fine for me to drop everything to have her cat or phone the garage - that's what's really annoying me. She still expects me to help her despite not helping me, she even said to me "oh I'm surprised you dudnt come around when I text you telling you I couldn't get my m&s order to work" she said the exact same thing when her sky box broke last month "I'm pissed off you didn't come round and see what the problem was or try and help me fix it"

You've had a really rough couple of years. But honestly, honestly, this isn't "how you're supposed to be now".

Be open with your HV, ask for help. In time, you could have a very happy and fulfilling family life. Please stop dwelling on your DM's shortcomings. Make 2016 the year you get your family (by which I mean you, your DS and your DP) into a positive place. Set some goals and focus on what is for the best of you three.