AIBU regarding mum not helping more

[sellisx]

To start with, I don't have a great relationship with my mum as it is. I think she is narcissistic. But I want somebody else's view.

I have struggled through my pregnancy, it got worse giving birth. And even worse having a baby. I have no friends, not exaggerating, the last time I saw my only friend was a year ago. My mum knows this and still refuses to help. Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child.

I asked my mum, who has only had my child once over night. She asked when the bus leaves I told her it was 6am (the only early bus) and she goes "oh what, can't you get a later one being your staying over night" I said no, its already booked she asked when I was coming back, I told her 6pm the next night. she goes "oh brilliant so I'm literally having him for two nights. thanks for that"

This from the woman who swaned away on her 50th last year, leaving me with her bloody cat!

I realise my mum is not a babysitter, she doesn't have to look after him ever, but why won't she just love my son? Why is she punishing by having a baby? (she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

Unfortunately life with DC does involve compromises. You made a decision to have your DD - your DM didn't but yet there is an assumption that she was willing to take on aspects of care.

You knew your DM was reluctant to look after your DD but you still booked that early bus, getting in at 3pm would have been fine you would still have had your break. There's a big difference between one night and two particularly if she had envisaged a nice relaxing week off work.

Yes it would be nice if your DM was keen and willing to look after your DD, but she's not and to keep asking her to do it and then getting repeatedly annoyed when she doesn't want to is a lesson in frustration for you both.

You can't change your DM's behaviour, the only person you can change is yourself. Remember these incidents and focus on being a good parent to your DD which I'm sure you are. Let's come back in 20 years and see if there's an AIBU - I have taken the week off work and my DD and her BF expect me to use it for childcare AIBU to not want to?

Reading your last post I think you need to speak to your GP, your feelings seem like they are overwhelming you and at the moment you are externalising all of this so that everything is someone else's (mum's) fault. She may not be great but as has been picked up by many people there are things that you can do to improve the situation, but this needs to come from you.

Stop doing stuff for her then. Tell her that you don't have time because you're busy with your dc. Definitely get to toddler groups because no-one is going to chap the door and offer to be your friend. I promise that when you get out with the baby, it brings back some of your sanity.

Oh and sorry there is a silver lining as they get older in the form of sleepovers with friends .

You can't expect your mum to help, having a baby does impige your social life.

I think there are bigger issues here anyway, do you think you are depressed?

No way would my mother or mil have had my daughter overnight, unless it was an emergency. They did have her when I went to work and I appreciate that now I'm older myself. Without wanting to sound arrogant, a baby is the parents responsibility. Grandparent help is a luxury not a necessity.

You're missing the point OP, her time off is hers to do as she pleases, if she wants to shovel cake in her mouth then as harsh as it seems it is her choice.

Based on your later posts I wouldn't want her looking after my child anyway.

impinge!

The first thing you say is that you don't have a great relationship with your Mum-if this is the case and you're not close, why should she babysit for you?
I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely, but it doesn't sound like you're actually doing anything about it. No one likes being the "newbie" at groups, but you're not a child and no one can change your life for you.
Lots of people have no one to babysit for them, so instead plan lovely things to do which include their children.

I never really had school friends, i'd moved from England to Scotland so had to be put back a year and got bullied for being "retarded" I work from home so don't get to see anybody. OH has some friends but they don't have kids and will want to do their own thing for Valentine's day. The only friend I have who I seen a year ago is the manager of a bank and is incredibly busy and reluctant to do things with a child in toe

Well could you do something with that friend while Oh stays with your child?

Can't you take the toddler with you?

I'm sorry you are struggling and that your mum is not more hands on but I think you are being unfair on her here - she is not the child's parent, you are. She doesn't have to do childcare unless she wants to. Fwiw I have a child the same age and no one has ever babysat her overnight for us. I am still waiting for someone to offer! It's my birthday this month and we are going away for the weekend - with her. We have arranged a babysitter at the hotel so we can have dinner together once she is in bed.

If your mum is that disinterested then she'd make a horrible babysitter anyway so why would you even want someone like that looking after your kid? Why can you not take your LO with you, have I missed that?

YY fanjo

Or invite friend to the house after ds has gone to bed.

Or ring up the garage to book her car in for a service because she won't phone herself.

Why do that? regardless of childcare etc why do stuff like that for her if she acts the way she does towards you.

I understand life can feel lonely but as hard as it sounds crying about being too scared to go to a baby class just isnt good enough- you need to get out there and force yourself to do these things- otherwise you will sit in a pit of despair and not really get much sympathy for it im afraid.

Sounds like your mum and you have an unhealthy relationship; dont pass that onto your son, be your own person, and then her feelings towards you wont seem so harsh becuase they wont cripple you like they seem to be doing

OP, you are being a tad entitled. Yes, it is nice if grandparents help out. But that's a bonus not a given. My DH and I were in our early thirties when we had DD. We went out together twice in her first 12 months, both of those times for just 2 hours. Family lived a long way away and even if they didn't I wouldn't have dreamed of handing DD For an overnight stay at such a young age.

I do understand where you are coming from. Sometimes it can all feel so unfair. My parents help my sister out a lot more, for example. But there is nothing you can do about it, and if you dwell it will become all consuming.

Resolve to manage your own childcare situation, any help you get would be a a bonus (and to be honest from the sounds of your DM I'm not sure why you want to leave your toddler with her, it doesn't sound as though she likes him very much).

Go out, make some new friends. What about getting talking to some local mums online in a local FB group and then go along to a meet up?

I had PND too and those first few times I turned up to a baby group were nerve wracking but it gets loads easier.

I've actually made a lot of new friends through being a parent that I now consider as fairly close friends.
Once your DD starts nursery you'll naturally meet other parents at pick up and drop off so hopefully you'll make some new friends through that.

You're really not listening OP.

It's all "If I had grandchildren" and "I'd be happy to help" etc.

That's YOU.

Your mother isn't you. People are different. It would be nice if she was more interested in your DC. She isn't. She doesn't have to be.

Yes she chose to have you. Just like you chose to have your DC.

Yes she doesn't sound that nice. Not everyone is. However, not wanting to babysit isn't what makes her sound not nice. I certainly wouldn't want to look after a baby from 6am til 6pm the following day!

Your DP was incredibly foolish not to check childcare before booking the trip.

Your mother sounds a bit tapped to be honest. I'm not sure why you'd want to leave your child with someone who so obviously isn't maternal and doesn't want to help. I don't think I'd be able to enjoy a weekend away if she is how you have been describing her for worrying.

Not many parents get to have nights away without their kids. My OH and I can't rely on my mother because she is old and poorly, and OH's parents live over 3 hours away. As a result we don't go away at the moment. It will change in time. I'm 20 years older than you..you'll have plenty of time to enjoy nights and holidays away, unfortunately the sacrifice you make when having kids young is for your 20's/early 30's you can't do the stuff childless people do.

I had PND with both my kids, and had to FORCE myself to get out and about. Best thing I did as I would have festered in the house feeling miserable otherwise.

You need to look at ways of making your life better which do not involve your mother.

Don't help her anymore. Don't look after her cat, walk her to the shops or make phone calls for her. Play by the same rules.

Has your mum actually said that she won't have him?

I can see why she'd be pissed off at being told that she would have him from 6am to 6pm the next day.

But as others have said, if you really feel that she doesn't love him, please don't leave him with her.

Well where did your oh and you expect to leave him overnight? Does he not know she won't help out in this way, why did he book it. You seem to think that gp are supposed to be over involved but the reality is a lot of people aren't. However you chose to have a baby, and the childcare falls entirely to you and your oh. The only solution would be to take baby along for the weekend away.

And yet you are quite happy to leave your child with her!? She sounds vile.
And your partner booked a weekend d away knowing you had no childcare!? Sure my its down to him to sort it?

You absolutely cannot take it for granted that somebody will have your child overnight. Even your mother. Mine never had ours overnight once. But I sympathise if you feel you are never getting a break. Others do get a lot of help and some get none.

The friend can't drive and lives an hour and half away. I can't drive either so it's quite hard. My OH doesn't finish work until 7pm and by then she's just finishing work and wants to go home to bed.
My OH gets a few nights out, probably once a month but he has friends.

OP it's time to pull up your big girl nickers and get on with it. Yes it can be nerve racking walking into a room not knowing anyone, butyou've got to get out there, your son will benefit from it, so do it for him. like previous posters have said, forget your mum, stop doing stuff for her and do more for yourself and your son. My mum lives abroad and on the odd occasion she comes to visit, spends her time flitting about getting her hair done or emailing her many friends and hardly ever offers to look after my kids to give me a break, but you've just got to crack on regardless.