AIBU regarding mum not helping more

[sellisx]

To start with, I don't have a great relationship with my mum as it is. I think she is narcissistic. But I want somebody else's view.

I have struggled through my pregnancy, it got worse giving birth. And even worse having a baby. I have no friends, not exaggerating, the last time I saw my only friend was a year ago. My mum knows this and still refuses to help. Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child.

I asked my mum, who has only had my child once over night. She asked when the bus leaves I told her it was 6am (the only early bus) and she goes "oh what, can't you get a later one being your staying over night" I said no, its already booked she asked when I was coming back, I told her 6pm the next night. she goes "oh brilliant so I'm literally having him for two nights. thanks for that"

This from the woman who swaned away on her 50th last year, leaving me with her bloody cat!

I realise my mum is not a babysitter, she doesn't have to look after him ever, but why won't she just love my son? Why is she punishing by having a baby? (she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

AyeAmarok - Apologies I thought the child wasn't his- misunderstood.

sellisx - How old is your BF? How do you think he would react if forced to look after the child alone i.e 'Im popping pout for a haircut/coffee/ walk, take responsibility...'

""and started complaining that I had no help because ultimately the responsibility lies with me.""

MN exists to support parents, so whilst it's something you might not do, thankfully others so and get the support/advice that they need.

The OP has clarified that she needed extra support, via her GP with her PND. That her Partner needs to step up more and the main issue, she needs to build a life.

Parenting without help (I've done it) is tough and it's shit that the OPs Mother has the attitude that she does. Hopefully the OP will get to a point that she distances herself from her.

Time to pull yourself up by the bootstraps. He has fucked up big style. Is he injured or has he just been arrested? You can do this we are behind you but this is horribly irrsponsible behaviour. Do not go rushing to him with your son.

sellisx can you take the pushchair on a bus to the hospital? Was OH still over the limit when he crashed the car? For the other posters - I do sympathise with the Op, she's got PND and it's obviously not under control and she's not making good decisions due to the PND, quite likely. Op - why does crashing the car affect you? It's his car, surely he's created himself a problem regarding travel to work, not you particularly? You can't drive yet.

When in any of my posts did I say I wasn't using contraception? Please point that out to me!
I just walked to hospital at 11am, he's in a really bad way 😢
I do appreciate the advice that has been given to me but in all honesty if I seen my child struggling like this, I wouldn't turn my back just because I wanted to sit and eat cake. Or if we had PND I qouldnt go "oh that's what you get" like I said if I knew how little help I was actually going to get I wouldn't of had a child in the first place.

I inferred it from your hospitalization for 2 miscarriages. Sorry to hear that he's not doing well - I hope he takes a turn for the better. No, I wouldn't do that to my DC either but wishing people were better rarely works, all you can do is try and draw strength from the fact that you'll be a better grandparent than your DC has when you get there.

Good. Let him deal with his own mess. Let him understand what it is to have no help. I'm sorry if I sound harsh.

OP, you stay right home. There's no need for you to go traipsing about with your baby after a man who doesn't help you or take care of his own child. And when he's discharged, don't you dare let him stay with you. Let him figure out his own after-care.

I'm sorry things are so grim but I think nothing will change until you stop blaming your mum for everything

You are an adult - you made choices for yourself - you have to deal with them as an adult

Yes it would be lovely to have your mum on hand but lots of us don't have that option - you just have to find other ways of coping

You need to own your choices, let go of the blame game and kick your 'd'p out

Sorry pnd or not its ridiculous to say you wouldn't have had your son had you known she would have been so little help. Nothing you have said or described as led me to believe she was going to be an A1 granny.. how about you be a fantastic mum and build your own life.? Have you rung her to say whats happened to your partner?
It's awful playing the 'I wish I had never game' and if that's the case then why try for more?.
You have bigger fish to fry now. Stop focusing on your mothers perceived inadequacies, grow up a bit and work out what's going to happen next. For example for your partner. I find it odd he is 'in a bad way' and you are still bleating about your mum. Nowt queer as folk.. .

Stop feeling sorry for him. Do you realise he could be charged with DUI if he is over the limit? He could have crashed his car and killed someone. As it is, he may lose his job, lose his license and wind up with a HUGE debt with the fine that can come with DUI (because there's always a fine with DUI and it starts usually at around £1000). And now he has no car. Good luck getting insurance to pay out if he gets a DUI.

He's in a bad way? SO ARE YOU! Stop making it about him first.

Look after you and your child. Get an appointment with the GP about your PND. Get the implant or coil - DON'T get pregnant to this loser again. He's immature and selfish.

Stop focusing on your mum. It was obvious she was going to be no help she didn't even want you to have the child.

START focusing on YOU and your own health because right now you have bigger problems than a mum who doesn't babysit, your partner is potentially facing criminal charges and come out of this a criminal.

Stop traipsing after him.

like I said if I knew how little help I was actually going to get I wouldn't of had a child in the first place

To be honest, that's absolutely irrelevant. I'm sorry you're in a tough situation but you are this child's mother and you have to take responsibility for caring for him in the best way possible in the situation that you find yourself in now. That means getting help for your PND. That means not relying on your mum. That means sorting out your relationship with your partner so either he contributes more or you leave (or you accept that's the way he's always going to be and make the best of it - I wouldn't recommend that course of action).

Lots of people have difficult things to deal with but if you just blame your mum instead of changing anything things will never get any better.

if I knew how little help I was actually going to get I wouldn't of had a child in the first place.

Did you actually expect to have a baby two months into your new relationship with an idiot and then hand it over to your mum to look after so you and your fuckwit of a boyfriend could carry on your carefree life?

No wonder your mum won't help you, you needed a serious reality check. Hopefully this is it, you get the medication you need then you can start making sensible decisions and taking responsibility for yourself.

Oh dear so now he may well be facing drink driving charges.

I hope your boyfriend is not seriously hurt OP.

I have to say taht you are talking as a child or teenager would if their parents were negligent. You very much put me in mind of a friend of mine's 15yr old daughter who is kicking off at being expected to do chores for her pocket money. YOU are the grown up now, you have left home and you have a child to rear. It is NO LONGER your Mums job to be responsible for your well being, it is your own lookout. You are still expecting your Mum to look after you, prioritise you (as you are her child) and as she is not you feel abandoned and bereft. But sweetheart, you are not a child anymore and you have made decisions that mean you can't keep looking to the grown ups to fix things for you. Time to grow up. Your Mum is in one way doing the right thing, she is forcing you to stand on your own 2 feet. I suspect that had she not, you would be living at home with your baby expecting to still be your Mums baby.

I just wanted to point out that it's perfectly possibly to be an amazing, responsible parent and still to resent your own parents or in laws for being completely unhelpful in caring for a child!! (In fact, this is a common situation on this website).

I interpreted the OP's post as saying 'I had no idea how tough this would be, and had I known I would be facing it so alone, I would never have gone down that path'. I know older, wiser, successful women who have said that they occasionally regret having a child, but in private and with a sense of shame about it because there's such a stigma to saying that you're not really enjoying the toil and the difficulties. (It's always followed by a statement of the pure joy kids can bring at less difficult times). And I tell you what - those women are great mothers who love their kids to bits and who would go through fire for them. It's just that parenthood can all be too much for anyone at time, particularly if there is no support network in place. Having depression as well as sole responsibility for a child is a lot for anyone to handle - add in the fact that the OP is just 20 herself, and it's enormous.

I also know lots of Mums who say they have 'no help'. Actually, in only one case is this actually true. The others have cleaners, gardeners, childminders, a nanny (!), well-developed networks with other women to share childcare, or middle class jobs that yield money to throw at any problem that arises and decent conditions that are compatible with family life. Those things all make a massive difference to the resilience someone has when the chips are down.

OP, please get yourself to the GP. There are things that can be done about the depression, I promise. There may also be parenting help you can get. And please sign up for some parent-toddler activities near you, because when your Mum is about as much use as a chocolate fireguard and your partner even worse, you need to build your own 'family' of supportive friends.

He is due to be out of surgery at 5 😢 yes I realise my mum is probably "trying" to help but it's not helping. Kicking me out at 30 weeks pregnant is not helping. And everything in between. I don't need to keep going over it all anyway, I know I was being unreasonable to expect childcare just because she's on a holiday. I went to my GP and I'm on different medication now.
Yes my mum knows my partner is currently in hospital, she is off work and still not helping😑

Sorry to hear that OP- Whats actually happened to him?

Sellisx I was also only 20 when I got pregnant in 1983. Back then there was nothing unusual in that . Perhaps your OH should not be condemned for booking the break without thinking about childcare. I think that is just the point: he wasn't thinking. Perhaps he takes it for granted that your mum will babysit in these situations. Seems to me that he doesn't realise that for various reasons not all women are naturally maternal. Perhaps you mum lacks confidence but is not inclined to admit this. It could be why she threw you out; she may have panicked. However, maybe I am giving her the benefit of the doubt where it is not deserved. You do say you don't have a great relationship with her so perhaps, as another forum member said, it would be better if you did not have any expectations of her. I have a granddaughter whom I love dearly and I have another grandchild due in June. I love being around my granddaughter and I look after her quite often, sometimes all day and overnight. I'll admit I feel a little panicked when she is going to be in my care for several hours. When I have admitted this to some people I think they must think it odd, having raised a child, almost single-handedly, myself. However, there have been lots of changes to parenting since I was a mum and I am afraid I might get something wrong. Also I am not as young or as fit as I once was. I do get tired and then I feel guilty that I am not much fun. I do know my DG loves me and that means the world to me. It is such a shame that it seems your own mum doesn't feel like that. Perhaps it is just a case of making the best of what you have. I would say don't be afraid of asking your MIL to babysit again, even though you have already made a 'booking' with her. As long as you give her the opportunity to say 'no' without guilt-tripping her, and tell her how much you appreciate her help, then I don't think there is anything wrong in that. Also, agree with your OH not to take time-outs from parenthood too regularly. That way you will not make MIL feel taken for granted. Hope this helps!

It does help yeah thank you, I just wish on some level she would say 'I'm too tired to look after him today, how about an hour next week' or whatever. I have only ever asked her three times to babysit, once in 2015, and twice this year. One of which she refused.
He is having surgery to stop the bleeding on his brain. It was a really bad accident but i don't think he was over the limit, otherwise the police would have said. There was black ice on the roads.
I don't want to live without my mum, after all she is the reason I am here. I just don't know how to beter our relationship

MIL is really a god send when she helps out but she rarely does because her son does not want to speak to her boyfriend but that's a whole nother thread

The police may be waiting for tox screen back.

You need to stop expecting anything of your mum and focus on your relationship with you.

I knew how little help I was actually going to get I wouldn't of had a child in the first place. - well, that's not true it it? You were with your partner for two months when you became pregnant, had you even been together long enough to discuss having a child at any point in the future, never mind right then?

I'm sorry to hear about your partner, once you find out how he is doing I think you need to add contraception onto your list of things to sort out as whatever you are using currently isn't working if you have had more than one miscarriage while using it.

Please, please stop going back over and over your mother's lack of help. You say that you now accept that she is not going to be the kind of mother/grandmother you would wish her to be and then you just keep coming up with more and more examples of her lack of care.

You need to stop focusing on your mother for heavens sake. You are wasting too much time and energy feeling resentful.

I don't understand why you were trying for more babies if you are struggling so much with the one you have

You were with your partner for two months when you became pregnant

You say there were no contraception issues, you sure? So you wanted a baby with a man who you were with for 2 months?