AIBU regarding mum not helping more

[sellisx]

To start with, I don't have a great relationship with my mum as it is. I think she is narcissistic. But I want somebody else's view.

I have struggled through my pregnancy, it got worse giving birth. And even worse having a baby. I have no friends, not exaggerating, the last time I saw my only friend was a year ago. My mum knows this and still refuses to help. Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child.

I asked my mum, who has only had my child once over night. She asked when the bus leaves I told her it was 6am (the only early bus) and she goes "oh what, can't you get a later one being your staying over night" I said no, its already booked she asked when I was coming back, I told her 6pm the next night. she goes "oh brilliant so I'm literally having him for two nights. thanks for that"

This from the woman who swaned away on her 50th last year, leaving me with her bloody cat!

I realise my mum is not a babysitter, she doesn't have to look after him ever, but why won't she just love my son? Why is she punishing by having a baby? (she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

i'm really sorry to hear that your OH is so poorly - I hope he pulls through and the surgery is successful, that doesn't sound good at all.

Sellisx, I'm glad you found my comments helpful. However, I'm embarrassed to admit that I posted my reply without reading all the pages to this thread, something I don't normally do. I'm really tired today and obviously wasn't focussed . I tried to think why your OH might have booked your Valentine treat without confirming childcare arrangements first but I will say that my gut instinct was that he wasn't thinking like a parent should think. I will agree with others here that he needs to change his mindset if he is to be supportive in his role as a loving partner and father. If he is unable to do this then he is just going to make your life more difficult. I can see why you might give him chance after chance to change but there is more to love than a physical relationship and grand gestures. Your mother is failing you, whatever her reasons for that, and I am not simply talking about childcare here. If your relationship with your OH is making you unhappy, all the grand gestures in the world are not going to change that. Believe me, I was married to someone like that. This man - who is still making grand gestures - fell out with our daughter a few months before her wedding and just to prove a point he did not attend. Some people will always put themselves first but can be very adept at making the opposite seem true. Be careful! Be sure of what you want in life and how you wish to be treated and do not accept less! Remember, if you allow yourself to be treated badly then you are setting an unfortunate example to your child. You are stronger than you realise !

RockNanny, I identify so much with what you said about being a nervous grandmother.

But I just wanted to say to you, OP, that I hope your Partner is OK and makes a complete recovery.

Jesus fuck, some of you. The OP has PND. A mother who is unhelpful. No friends or other family. A partner who doesn't help and has just been involved in a serious crash and is now undergoing BRAIN SURGERY. And you're sticking the boot in.

How is that helpful? How, in the world, do you think that your posts are adding to the good in the world?

I think people are missing the point with this thread.

It's not the childcare per se it's that the op feels unloved.

probably not disconnected to having a DC young with a new dp

Yeap Tortoiseonthehalfshell, that was exactly what I was thinking.

Atenco, thanks for that . I have been honest with my daughter and son-in-law about my anxiety but then wonder if I should keep my mouth shut in case they think me incapable . Having read everyones comments on this thread, I also wonder if I am sometimes too ready to babysit, putting their needs before my own. I really am quite anxious at the prospect of babysitting a young baby and a toddler together. Despite telling them this I don't really think they really took it on board.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell and Lightbulbon, yes! I also think there is a real lack of compassion from some contributors to this thread . The way that sellisx is allowing herself to be treated has surely got to be the result of being raised by a mother who seems to be very cold, uncaring and self-absorbed. This is why she keeps coming back to her relationship with her mother: it is a primal need that is not being met. I think she is being very gracious to respond in the way she has to some of the very blunt advice being given here. There is a need for directness, yes! However, understanding of how she has come to this point in her life is also important.

Yes fair enough Tortoise. I admit that the fact that the DP's injuries get only a cursory mention from the OP against what she perceives as a more pertinent issue of her mum's continued lack of help shows that there is a real disconnect/disassociation with life. Which I'm sure is linked to the depression.

Having said that, at some point you do need to help yourself, at least by taking steps to stop actively creating more problems for yourself (eg more DC), which people are trying to point out so she doesn't end up in an even bigger pickle.

OP I hope your DP is recovering well.

at least by taking steps to stop actively creating more problems for yourself (eg more DC), which people are trying to point out so she doesn't end up in an even bigger pickle

Saying something like this is not sticking the boot in, it is to try and advise OP otherwise she will be back later this year complaining she gets no help now with 2 DC

I think the main thing is that OP needs to stop looking without and start looking within.

She needs to stop focusing on her mother not helping, even her DP not helping, and start looking for help for her PND and to begin to learn how to build a support system other than her mother and DP. IMHO, focusing on the external 'so and so should be doing this and that' isn't going to do any good. It needs to be 'I'. I need help with my PND, I need to get out with others, I need to let go of my 'wishes' about my mother. And above all 'I am worthy of help to make my life better'.

OP, you cannot change your mother. If by 'making our relationship better' you mean 'making my mother help me more', you can't. You can only change yourself and how you react to her, because she is what she is.

AcrossthePond - you're absolutely right that this is the best practical way forward and you give great advice.

However, I'd hazard a guess that almost no-one goes through the process of accepting that a parent is self-absorbed/selfish/narcissistic and unhelpful without anger and a feeling of betrayal. That emotion may even be the thing that drives people to seek help and support elsewhere - but it can also be something that is quite all-consuming, and not that easy simply to 'put aside' without help. Practically, someone can be pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, while emotionally they are seething with resentment, frustration, hurt and anger.

OP, can I suggest that you join the thread in Relationships on narcissistic parents? I think you'll get a lot of help there from people who understand what you're going through.

I have been there with having to come to terms with the aftermath being raised by people who should never have had kids. It was eating me up they never admitted to what they did and desperately needed an apology and recognition. After some counselling the point was raised that even if I got this nothing about the past would change. I'm not saying it's easy but in order to move on and adjust your expectations you have to accept your parents for what they are. You can't change their behaviours. Op holding on to all of this is only affecting you not your mum. It's affecting how you view other relationships and preventing you from taking personal responsibility for your own decisions. I really hope you find some help with these issues. It's not an easy road but you can begin to live a more emotionally healthy life

shove you are absolutely correct. I should have said for OP to seek out counseling. That's what I meant by start looking for help for her PND and to begin to learn how to build a support system other than her mother. I should have been much more specific.

OP I'm sorry about OH I hope he is OK.

I think you're feelings about your DM sound totally reasonable, she sounds horrid tbh. Having a child seemingly reject you and your DC must be heartbreaking. I'm not surprised you find it difficult to get out and socialise, having a parent treat you like that can make you feel unlovable and expect and fear rejection from others. So you protect yourself by not trying and end up isolated.
No wonder your depressed.

Well done for seeking support. Some responses on here have been unnecessarily harsh but they are right that you can not do anything about how your mother treats you. You can only work on how you deal and respond to it and ensuring to don't fall into a similar pattern with your own DC.

It's shit being isolated and struggling to make friends, especially when you are lacking any other support.

I hope you keep posting. MN can be a very supportive place

OP
I haven't read all 15 pages. I'm 10 years older than your mum and working still!

So- just some quick thoughts based on the first few pages and the last.

You and your mum sound the same; she's 'all about her' and you are 'all about me'.

This is not surprising as you have had her as a role model.

But I think you need educating about what life is like with a young child.
I had my first at 31 and both my parents and DH's lived 5 hours away. We were really pushed for babysitters. Our social life was zero for many years.

Unless you have loads of good friends and relatives nearby who want to babysit overnight then don't make these plans.

You have no right to use your mum as a babysitter and the fact she's on holiday is neither here nor there. if you became pregnant through carelessness (after 2 months with this man?) then she has every right to feel you were silly and refuse to help you.

Both you and your boyfriend need to grow up fast. He needs to learn that nights away can't be done without a huge amount of planning and cooperation from others. You need to learn to act like an adult woman and not expect your mum to bale you out for babysitting or whatever.