AIBU regarding mum not helping more

[sellisx]

To start with, I don't have a great relationship with my mum as it is. I think she is narcissistic. But I want somebody else's view.

I have struggled through my pregnancy, it got worse giving birth. And even worse having a baby. I have no friends, not exaggerating, the last time I saw my only friend was a year ago. My mum knows this and still refuses to help. Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child.

I asked my mum, who has only had my child once over night. She asked when the bus leaves I told her it was 6am (the only early bus) and she goes "oh what, can't you get a later one being your staying over night" I said no, its already booked she asked when I was coming back, I told her 6pm the next night. she goes "oh brilliant so I'm literally having him for two nights. thanks for that"

This from the woman who swaned away on her 50th last year, leaving me with her bloody cat!

I realise my mum is not a babysitter, she doesn't have to look after him ever, but why won't she just love my son? Why is she punishing by having a baby? (she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

I only have my mum and my boyfriend and I've had 20 years of having birthdays with my mum, and with her mood like this I don't really want to celebrate around her.

I have been out once since having my child. Not three times?

Thanks for all your advice, I just find it so hard to comprehend how somebody can act so cold? One of my neighbours mums' had her three kids while she went out for new year! And a boy in England who I have on fb. His 60 year old mum has his baby every Sunday. It's just sad she doesn't do any of that. It's all about her and how she is.

Fair enough if she had plans, I can understand her saying know but she doesn't go out much herself. One time I asked her to have him for an hour or two Max so I could buy her some mothers day presents, without pushing a pram around "no because I want to sit on my ass and eat cake" was her response. I could never imagine saying that to my children

Unfortunatly I don't have anybody else though. The only people I see are my mum and my boyfriend.

You need to change this. Go out to baby classes, go to the library, get a baby sitter and go out to a class or a hobby for you or to the gym or something.

I'd use a babysitter for the concert and see if MIL will have the baby for the romantic break away, although what your boyfriend thought he was laying at booking it without sorting childcare I don't know.

OH is not really to blame. My mum has the week off work anyway.

I'm sorry, because I do have partial sympathy for you, but the above is so wrong!

Of course your OH shouldn't have booked anything overnight at all without checking that someone was happy & willing to look after your DS. That comes with being a parent.

Also, your mum might want her annual leave to be spent relaxing. In the nicest possible way, your DS is your DS, not hers. You really mustn't go assuming that your mum can or wants to look after him for a 36 hour stretch just because, in your opinion, she has nothing better to do.

It sounds like you've already been able to leave your child overnight more in 18 months than I have in 4.5 years with DD. I'm not complaining, that's fine - it's because we have no family who can have her overnight (only MIL left grandparent-wise, who is in her 80's and not the best of health) & no close friends who could or would have her either. I mention this because I honestly think you may need to alter your expectations of what's "normal" or even possible for lots of people with young children.

SIL is working so she won't do it and my brother lives four hours away so that's a no too.

If your partner wants you both to be able to go away for a weekend, then he should arrange the childcare as part of the deal.

You have to adjust your expectations of your mother. She's made her position clear. Continuing to expect more from her will her hurt you. I understand why you think she might want to help - I hope I will be able to help my kids with their kids when and if the time comes (if i am not too decrepit by then). But she doesn't so, you know, tough.

FWIW though there is often a downside/payback to overinvolved grandparents. As evidenced by many threads on here.

OP, I'm sorry you are feeling so crap

I do agree with PP that your bf should have organised childcare before booking the trip and that you can't rely on having help with your DC BUT I do understand that it is hard.

Me and my DH moved to Australia and had our DD. We have literally no family within thousands of miles. We have had to cope with everything ourselves and yes, it has been hard - my mum came out to visit for 3 weeks when DD was 8 weeks old but that has been it.

You sound very resentful but I don't feel resentful at all - I accept that I don't have help and I knew I wouldn't going in to it. You need to accept that your mum isn't going to support you in the way that you want her to. That doesn't mean that she doesn't love your son, or you. My own DM would kill for a weekend with my DD because she only sees her on Skype... but if we lived in her town and saw her all the time, it would be different. She has her own life and small children are very hard work. Maybe your mum is cross that you have assumed she will look after your DS without asking her first? Especially if she has taken a week off and made other plans.

It is very hard being lonely though. I didn't have any other mum friends here when I had DD. I joined meetup.com and found groups of mums in my area, I started taking DD to a playgroup and to infant swimming and talked to other mums there. Now I have 3 or 4 good mum friends I can call on to go for coffee/ for a walk/ invite over for the afternoon. I have also called on them for half an hour of sitting before so I could get my hair cut!

I mean this with lots of kindness - you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with it sometimes.

There is one baby group but I'm not very confident and the thought of going on my own makes me cry

It sounds like you're struggling a bit at the moment, but I wouldn't leave my 18 month old with a woman like you're describing anyway for that amount of time

You're going out twice in quick succession (including an overnight) very soon? You have already been out once.

There is no point comparing yourself to other people, you will always end up feeling disappointed because you are comparing a snapshot of their lives with your reality.

Some people genuinely struggle with kids, you just have to read the threads from people on here saying 'i love my kids but can't stand other people's', it sounds like she made her feelings very clear when you were pregnant, did you hope that she would mellow?

I know it's hard (my mum is the same) but you can't change her, you can't expect her to behave in a certain way and you can't expect anyone to leap to your assistance without checking out first.

Why not join a baby and toddler group/baby yoga or something where you may find you get to know other mums who may also be feeling lonely etc.? Your health visitor can also help with this.

Your mum sounds a bit unconventional but you can't change her, you need to accept what she is like and find an even footing that suits you both. Maybe you are both more alike than you realise and perhaps this is why you rub each other up the wrong way?

Anyway, your hubby has defo boobed by booking this whole trip without considering childcare, so I feel he should be going cap-in-hand to his folks to help out instead of you expecting your mum to take your little one for nearly 2 days - can your in-laws and mum not do a day each or something to lighten the load? It doesn't matter if she has holidays booked around that time, you can't expect her to use them to help you out.

Sorry my post isn't all tea-and-sympathy, just speaking as I see.....

I feel for you, I really do, you seem to have gotten so isolated and no suprise if you only see a few people.

Why don't you go to mum & toddler groups? You need to make some 'mum friends' (sorry horrid term, but you know what i mean). Is there a reason why you don't want to go? Might you be struggling with depression a bit, worth a trip to gp for a chat?

OP stop focussing on your dissapointment with your DM, and put your energies instead into finding a wider social and support network.

In the meantime, ask your MIL, DB or SIL to have your DC overnight on Valentines Day. Has your DM actually refused, or has she reluctantly and huffily relented?

Your only other choice is to cancel the reservation and chalk it up to experience.

You need to stop obsessing about your mother and what she "should" be doing and what you would do if you were in her situation! The fact is she doesn't want to babysit or look after your child and that, while hurtful, is her choice.

Moving on from that, you haven't answered any of the advice about finding yourself a life and friends outside of your mother and partner. How have you ended up in the situation where you have no friends? What happened to friends from school/college? What did you do socially before you had your baby? Where did you go, who did you see, where did you work, how did you meet your partner? What about your partner's friends - does he have any?

I'm sure lots of people feel the same about going to groups on their own - the first minute walking in will e the worst and then I'm sure someone will chat to you. Everyone's been new once. Could you look on facebook for some near you so you feel like you've "met" someone before you go?

Its really hard to see other grandparents have their gc when all you would like is your own mum show a bit of interest

Really suggest you try turning up and mother and toddler groups, stay and plays or whatever goes on. Look on-line or ask your HV, they should have a list. If you don't like it try another group, but go a couple of times, sometimes different people each week. I used to feel a bit sorry for myself and isolated, I felt like the other mums must have an easier life than me but getting to know people puts things in context - other families have their own challenges. I thought one mum had a charmed life, until she told me her DH had left her for another woman. Learning what some people have to deal with might help you come to terms with your own situation.

Being a mum can be tough even when you have it all planned out and your family supporting you all the way.

We had little family support (PIL's 2.5 hours drive away and my DP's about 8 hours away). People who are saying you do have a social life are looking at the fact that you do have a partner and he has semi-organized a couple of get aways.

My mum won't have any plans though, she doesn't go out much herself. And she has another five separate weeks off over the year.

I am very resentful. To the point I almost hate her. Not because she doesn't help out but she doesn't seem to love me. It's like she enjoys watching me struggle. When I had PND confirmed she simply said "told you you shouldn't have got pregnant" or when I was ready to kill myself "you made your bed now lie in it" meanwhile I have to walk her to the supermarket to buy her food. Or ring up the garage to book her car in for a service because she won't phone herself.

Your mum isn't likely to change, or want to change. It's a bit odd you and your oh expecting her to babysit when she has so clearly made it known that she doesn't like looking after your baby.
The break doesn't have to be cancelled, you can take the baby with you. it might be a nightmare on the coach but if you take turns to entertain him it will be worth it to have a trip away together.
My parents lived hundreds of miles away when my girls were little so I either took them with me of paid for babysitters.
You sound very fed up and lonely, you need to get out with your baby to meet people, toddler group and library's with story time sessions are great places. I hope you make some friends soon as you are unlikely to get support and companionship from your mum.

sellisk - we've all been there! That first time is really hard, the first time I took DS2 to a toddler group he projectile vomitted all over the hall and the other children and I (useless mum) hadn't thought to bring a change of clothes, the women were lovely but I felt like such a knob!

You could phone the organiser first and explain that you are nervous, I'm sure that they will go out of their way to be supportive.

Try your local mumsnet board and see if there is anyone else looking for someone to help them through the doors to the toddler group. When you get out meeting other mums it can really help.

Could you get the grannies to swap shifts? You say that mil is going to look after DS when you go to a concert a couple of weeks later. As this will be a much easier shorter stint would your mum be happier to do this one and ask mil to cover the trip away?
Won't help with the hurt of your mum being unloving but might be a practical solution.

I really feel for you.

It was silly of our partner to book a night away without arranging secure childcare for you- that's not your mums fault. That's your other half a.

I totally get you're disappointed by your mums lack of interest but you can't change her- you just have to accept that this is what she is like.

I'm so sorry OP. Get yourself to some baby groups, get out more, make some friends and try to build a relationship with a baby sitter who you could occassionally use!

Best of luck and happy birthday

My mum won't have any plans though, she doesn't go out much herself. And she has another five separate weeks off over the year.

Again, that really isn't relevant - her time is hers to use as she pleases.

It sounds like your relationship with your mum really isn't good. What do you actually get out of staying in contact with her?

Contact the group organiser about going along say you are nervous they will help you call your HV too about some help in getting out and about

You have got to get a social life and get out.
"It's all about her"
No your post is all about you and your boyfriend. Accept she's not interested. I probably won't be that interested in my grandchildren.