AIBU regarding mum not helping more

[sellisx]

To start with, I don't have a great relationship with my mum as it is. I think she is narcissistic. But I want somebody else's view.

I have struggled through my pregnancy, it got worse giving birth. And even worse having a baby. I have no friends, not exaggerating, the last time I saw my only friend was a year ago. My mum knows this and still refuses to help. Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child.

I asked my mum, who has only had my child once over night. She asked when the bus leaves I told her it was 6am (the only early bus) and she goes "oh what, can't you get a later one being your staying over night" I said no, its already booked she asked when I was coming back, I told her 6pm the next night. she goes "oh brilliant so I'm literally having him for two nights. thanks for that"

This from the woman who swaned away on her 50th last year, leaving me with her bloody cat!

I realise my mum is not a babysitter, she doesn't have to look after him ever, but why won't she just love my son? Why is she punishing by having a baby? (she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

I think you should get out to some toddler groups too and broaden your friendship group

Rude to book without checking. Why do you have to leave so early? 6am to 6pm following day is more than just an overnight. How about your MIL?

Your mum just isn't the nurturing type. Not everyone is.

Your OH should have checked before booking the night away.

To my mind, given that your child is still a toddler you seem to have maintained an OK social life away from the child. (I know others will disagree with this, but given that you don't have a babysitting resource, you are not doing badly at all).

Looking after a cat is not the same as looking after a toddler.

YABU to expect her to be your on call babysitter.

YANBU to be concerned about how you will manage your trip away and a bit disappointed.

If you want time away from the baby, do something with your friends while OH looks after it (sorry can't see whether its a boy or girl).

If you want time together, put the baby to bed early, get a takeaway and turn off the TV - have a date night at home.

It's different from what you are used to but things change.

Well you could ask your MIL & she can either say yes or no!

If no, you might have to look at taking your child with you.

It really isn't much use your OH treating you both to time away from your son without sorting care first though!

Is there a hobby you'd be interested in or somewhere you might want to go such as a book club or something?

Then your OH can provide childcare!

I'm sorry but your partner does not sound particularly responsible as booking a night away with no childcare is madness.

She does sound a bit mean but she's under no obligation to babysit, esp overnight. Why don't you book through the sitters website? You can hire an overnight nanny. I'm assuming as your planning to have a second then you're not struggling financially so that's def the way to go. If your relationship with your dm us dysfunctional then just cut your losses.

I would also say that re your FIL and your mum's comments I can see where she is coming from (although maybe she is a bit clumsy in saying it).

People with disabilities have kids, it sounds like FIL is quite independent and being paralysed from the waist down, doesn't stop someone changing a nappy. It might cause challenges chasing your ds (seen it now) around and getting him in and out of bed (depending on the layout of the house), but he certainly doesn't sound helpless.

Your OH and you should have run plans cover with her first though. As you have a difficult relationship she'd have had something to moan about I expect anyway but you were in the wrong to not communicate better with her.

Your OH is to blame...he booked something knowing he had no childcare, then told you at the last minute and left you to sort it out.

That's not a nice thing to do, it's a meaningless grand gesture that leaves you with the donkey work of trying to get short notice childcare.

If he really wanted you to have a break, he'd have sorted out childcare before booking it.

OH is not really to blame. My mum has the week off work anyway.

I don't really understand how it isn't your OH's fault-just because your mum has the week off work it doesn't automatically mean she'll be happy to babysit.

And contact the NCT or speak to your HV. There is likely other local mums feeling isolated so hopefully you can meet up with them. Good luck

Thanks, I can see it was a bit unreasonable to book without checking about childcare. Not really what I asked though, but if my children came to me and asked me to babysit when I already had a week off I'd be happy to.

The 6am bus gets in at 11am, the other bus was 10 which got in at 3. Doesn't give us much time to shop etc.

A good social life? I'm 22 with no friends, having only been out once. I wouldn't call that a good social life. I cried myself to sleep on my 21st birthday because nobody had text to wish me a happy birthday and no family had offered to babysit.

My children, my childcare issues. Many Grandparents want to be there for cuddles/treats/celebrations and not for childcare. Their prerogative and I accept this in order to facilitate a happy & loving relationship between my children & their Grandparents. DH & I like to have a social life with our friends/each other, sometimes without our children. We pay babysitters. If We couldn't afford to pay, the childcare issue would be our problem and not a problem for our respective parents. I have watched SIL destroy the relationship her children had with their grandparents mainly due to the fact that she could not accept that their Grandparents did not want to be part of a childcare plan. With regards to your issues with your mum, it sounds very difficult and you have my sympathy, but maybe taking the childcare expectation out of the equation may help the relationship?

"Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child"

he bought you a present of a night out/away but expects you to sort out the childcare? expects another woman (your mum) to provide teh childcare?

He stinks.

It's understandable that you are disappointed because your mum isn't showing what you think would be an appropriate level of interest in your baby but you can't force people, even family, to be interested in your children if they are not. While your boyfriend did a nice thing booking a trip away for you he was wrong not to consider what was going to happen to your child. Did he give any thought at all to who was going to look after him/her? Given that he must know your mother is not keen and his mother is already having an overnight soon?

You also need to find some friends!Life must be lonely with only your bf for company. Do you not go to any toddler groups/playgroups/story time? What about people who were in your ante-natal classes? Do you have an interest which you could pursue occasionally while your partner is home and has the baby - maybe a book club or an exercise class?

Well yes you are BU. Who on earth did OH think was going to look after the child? You can't just book a break without the baby without first organising child-care - that is really the first thing you get sorted THEN you look at booking some away-time.

Of course it would be nice if your mum was of more help, but it sounds as though she never has been so it's hardly a surprise to you is it?

You can't make your mum take more of an interest in your life. She's just not that bothered so unfortunately you and your boyfriend have to accept that she won't babysit. A hell of a lot of parents don't get time away without the baby. A hell a lot more are single parents and don't even have the other parent to help out.

As others have said, it might help to stop having unrealistic expectations of your mum and start to build friendships with other local families who may be more amenable to helping your out occasionally.

OH is not really to blame. My mum has the week off work anyway

You dont seem to be listening to what people are saying - he should never have arranged time away without organising childcare first.

I've already checked all possible childcare websites, there's not an over night nanny in our area, otherwise we'd have used her a year ago.

I haven't seen FIL do any childcare and don't really want to rely on him. He's said he is happy to babysit whenever, when our son is older. He only started babysitting for OH sister, when her child had turned 3. He can't physically pick him up so there's no way he'd be able to change him or get to him quick enough if he got in danger

Is your boyfriend your hild's father?

Your oh is to blame, because he didn't ask your mum before booking.

This will sound harsh, but it needs saying. It's your baby, and you need to get on with it. Having a pity party about how hard it is, and how you can't take him/ her on the bus, can't socialize as you'd like, you don't have any help, can't go out etc is not in the least constructive.

During the day (if you're at home) get out to toddler groups and clubs. Use a gym crèche and join a club. Some evenings/ weekends boyfriend can do his share while you meet up with a friend or join a club or class. If you don't like your life, change it.

I do think you're BU. There should be no expectation that parents look after grandchildren. Many parents don't have anyone and most parents don't have child free time for many years. And no way can you equate looking after a cat to the demands of looking after a baby.

It's also very silly of your partner to book a night away without organising childcare first - quite unbelievably silly. I think you both need a bit of a reality check, especially if you are thinking about increasing your family.

What can you salvage from this? Is the night away refundable? Could you have a pampering afternoon instead while your partner has the baby? book a sitter for an evening and go for a nice meal? You can have a nice time without an overnight.

I've tried to take away childcare from our relationship. But it just feels even worse. I just want to cry every time I see her. I don't feel any love from her at all. My brother came up for Christmas, he and my mum went to a cafe. I wasn't invited and when I asked why not, my mum said "your son gets in the way"

Life is very lonely, I'm even crying right now but I don't have anybody else to turn to. I can't tell my mum how lonely because she will just say "oh you made your bed you have to lie in it"

One of her friends said to her "ohh you must be so chuffed being a granny, are you loving it?" with a really happy face on, my mum just looked at her blankly.

Even if your mother was an incredibly involved, hands-on grandparent, it was still incredibly rude of your OH to book a night away on the assumption she would look after your child. Whether or not she has time off is irrelevant - she might have had other plans.

I'm sorry your mother isn't nicer, but I do think - in the nicest possible way - that you seem to be harping on a purely fantasy world of family 'help' you believe yourself to be entitled to. Crying about it, sounds a bit mad, unless there are other factors - are you depressed? A lot of parents are in your position. We don't live in the same country as our families, so there is no childcare we don't pay for, and there's no easily available night babysitting here (very rural, and no one registered with Sitters covers it.) Stop expecting help that isn't forthcoming, and find another way. And if you are going away overnight, ask her first.

Who looks after your baby while you work? Is there a possibility of night time childcare there?

Yes she's out of order but you can't change it, the relationship doesn't sounds healthy I think you need to take a step back. Have you tried going to mum and baby groups just so you can get out a bit and meet some new people?

Oh and did she actually say she won't look after him? If she hasn't actually said that then I would just ignore the comment and go ahead, maybe she's just a bit pissed that you already booked it without asking?

It sucks that you don't have family or friends who can help out, at least you have your MIL to help out.

Sorry OP but the problem here is with your boyfriend, not your mother.

6am to 6pm the following day is a very long time with an 18 month old baby, and if you aren't child orientated, as your mother clearly isn't, it could very well be too much to cope with.

I understand why you are upset she doesn't take more interest in you and your son, but she is who she is, and is unlikely to change, so if I were you I would accept that we don't have the kind of relationship where I can ask her for help, and won't ask her to babysit again.

Your boyfriend booked the trip without making the arrangements, so let him sort it. I'm sure if he explains his cock up to his mum she'll help if she can.

I echo the Pp who said that you need to get out and meet other people - take your son to toddler groups, soft play etc and make yourself some friends

I did have to laugh at your cmoment about looking after her cat though, you reeeeeeally cannot compare looking after a cat to a toddler!!

We have had absolutely no family provided childcare, MIL stays at other end of country and doesn't give a shit anyway, my mum has been in poor health for many years.

Regardless of the reasons, I choose to have a child and he is my responsibility. You (and/or your OH) are BVVVVU to expect to be able to book overnight away without considering your child's needs first.

Even if you mum takes him do you really want your child with her!!! She has similar poisonous traits to my MIL and ds has never been left alone with her during her very infrequent visits.