AIBU regarding mum not helping more

[sellisx]

To start with, I don't have a great relationship with my mum as it is. I think she is narcissistic. But I want somebody else's view.

I have struggled through my pregnancy, it got worse giving birth. And even worse having a baby. I have no friends, not exaggerating, the last time I saw my only friend was a year ago. My mum knows this and still refuses to help. Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child.

I asked my mum, who has only had my child once over night. She asked when the bus leaves I told her it was 6am (the only early bus) and she goes "oh what, can't you get a later one being your staying over night" I said no, its already booked she asked when I was coming back, I told her 6pm the next night. she goes "oh brilliant so I'm literally having him for two nights. thanks for that"

This from the woman who swaned away on her 50th last year, leaving me with her bloody cat!

I realise my mum is not a babysitter, she doesn't have to look after him ever, but why won't she just love my son? Why is she punishing by having a baby? (she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

I would love another baby but I actually cry at the thought of getting no help

Sorry, what? I'm afraid people aren't obliged to help. Even grandparents. You made the decision to have a child, a grandparent can be as hands off as they wish. Just because your mum has no wish to be used as childcare because your oh didn't think things through, does not make her a bad person I'm afraid.

"if my children came to me and asked me to babysit when I already had a week off I'd be happy to."

I wouldn't I'm afraid, I love my DC, but the eldest is 19...if he had a baby now, there's no way in the world I'd be on hand for childcare.

I've done my bit for them and hopefully by the time they do have children I would be able to spend time with them, but not if it was now - I've spent nearly 20 years raising them, I couldn't start again with their children yet.

I've got my stuff to be getting on with that was on hold while they were young.

You cant expect your mum to behave like you want I know it hurts i know you want her to be doting granny but she is never going to be how you want her to be. She has said she would have your son but had a moan about it maybe she just likes a moan you can either let her babysit the baby and moan or not.
My mum was like this when mine were small it doesnt feel great but you just need to accept this is what your mums like. You need to organise babysitting before you book any nights away thats just how it works.

Whilst it's rough that your mum is interested or helpful, it's not a given that your children will be off with someone over night to "give you a break". My daughter is 18 months and breastfed and has never stayed anywhere overnight without me. Hoping she will in the next couple of months with my parents to get her used to it but it's not a given and certainly not your mums job.

Your baby you arrange childcare.

My mum after she got divorced and even before had little or no help from her parents re childcare and none from her ILs.

Count yourself lucky you've had it thus far.

It sucks but it does sound like time you made some new friends. You might find you are less hurt by your mum's inability to return your feelings if you have more social cushioning.

Your mum sounds horrible, nasty and selfish. If my mum ever talked about DS like he was a negative burden, or a thing, rather than the lovely baby I'm sure yours is, I wouldn't want to leave him in the care of someone who cares so little.
Id stop asking her for favours and stop seeing her all together and see if that bought a change in her attitude and behaviour, If not, don't see her.
Force yourself to make friends, go to every baby group/swimming lessons/exercise classes going, you need them.

On this occasion I'd take baby away with you, but enquire if hotel offer babysitting or you hire a babysitter in so you can have a night out together when there.

Oh come on.

I would do this for my dds and dss/dils in a heartbeat. Obviously not to the piss taking level but help out of course.

Op don't bother with her.

Get out and about and join kiddi groups to make friends.

Trip is non refundable.
I can compare a cat to a toddler, my son was only 8 months then and went in the cats bowl, the litter tray everything. Then the cat escaped so I had to chase the cat round the neighourhood while pushing a pram

I would happily babysit, obviously if I had no other plans. I would see that even my children need a break. My baby is my responsibility but my mum also chose to have me, she could at least want to help.

I'm sorry you feel you have no help but booking a trip away BEFORE sorting out childcare is really not on.
I disagree that your OH is not to blame - of course he should have considered childcare!

A good social life? I'm 22 with no friends, having only been out once. I wouldn't call that a good social life. I cried myself to sleep on my 21st birthday because nobody had text to wish me a happy birthday and no family had offered to babysit.

I'm sorry that you are struggling but you do need to be realistic about how your social life will change with having children. Admittedly I am older than you but our kids are 10 and 12 and it was only last year that we had a night away without them. Your DS is 18 months old and in your posts you seem to have spoken about at least 3 occasions when you have been out socially - this might not be much in comparison with your social life pre-children (and there are some parents who are still able to go out a lot), but for many people (us included), going out together three times in 18 months without children just isn't realistic.

On your birthday you could arrange a nice meal or something with the family, you do the arranging and make it work for you rather than wait for other people to initiate it. I know it's rough and I get the sense that you are struggling with the transition into parenthood, which is totally understandable, but you cannot control other people or wait for them to take the initiative and then get upset if they don't, you are the person who will make a difference to how you are feeling.

Its very different looking after a toddler to looking after a cat! The child is your and your DP's responsibility not your mothers, next time tell your DP to make sure childcare is covered before booking time away. That was there will be no disappointment.

And yes your Mum certainly sounds as if she has issues - you cant make her want anything to do with your son.

You could go away as a family and then get a sitter via the sitters website the PP suggested to have him while you go for a meal, or even while you do something during the day.

You're not playing the game properly with your mum. She sounds EXACTLY like mine and only steps in to help when I'm falling to pieces, and then only for a short time. She "enjoys having him" but talks at length about what hard work he is, how exhausted she is after having him and, like yours, needs 2 days afterwards to "get over it". You just have to accept it, she aint gonna change.

My mum also agrees to babysit and then either has to work or has forgotten that she's going out with her friend and so I have to cancel plans. It is very frustrating.

I agree with PP that your OH should have arranged childcare before booking the trip as he must know what your mum is like. Also, would him asking her have made her more inclined to help do you think?

It is very hard when lots of other parents have grandparents that bend over backwards to have their grandchildren, but our mums aren't like that and there's nothing we can do that will change that.

With regard to friends, hobbies are really important. You have an OH so he could look after DS while you go out, there's so many things you could do, fitness, knit and natter, book group, do an evening class etc. Even if you don't actually make any "friends", just socialising regularly with a group of people is so good for you. If you want friends with children, netmums has a good "Meet a Mum" section which has helped me to make lots of friends over the years. I know that Mumsnet has a local section but its a bit hit and miss as some areas have lots of active chats and some (like where I live) have tumbleweed.

If there isn't a group in your area that interests you, start your own. There was viral post on Facebook last year which spoke about having no friends one mum was so shocked by the number of mums who said they have no RL friends, she started a support group called "Sunshine Family" (sorry I can't post a link).

It does get easier with overnight stays as they get older and no longer wake up in the night. My mum and I have fallen out several times since I've had DS, and we had a really good row last time which put all of our cards on the table and we're now a lot more honest with each other. I know that she's depressed and has her own issues which she deals with very badly, and (touch wood) we're okay at the moment. It takes a lot to accept that they won't change - but also to know that it isn't your fault and that you can't make it better by being a "better" daughter. There's a super thread in relationships called But we took you to Stately Homes - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families which is worth a look.

My eldest is 13 and has never been babysat overnight. Ever. My kids don't have grandparents so we never had any help. When you move onto the parenting part of your life you need to accept that those children are your responsibility; entirely.

I am sorry you are lonley and sad do you get out and about with your son toddler groups or baby classes you might make some friends that way google HOMESTART they help parents gain confidence it sounds like you are isolated and need support

OH is not really to blame. My mum has the week off work anyway.

Yes he is and your mum having the week off work is nothing to do with it. She could be busy.

My parents are very involved in their DGC lives. Look after them regularly however even they would be annoyed that it would be assumed they would have have them without checking!

what about your SIL? Or your DB? COuld they have your DC for the night either at their home or yours?

Other posters are right in that you must get away from this expectation that your DM will be a hands-on granny, always available to help. My parents are the same and I've just had to get on with parenting and finding my own solutions and support.

But you sound very low. Do you see your HV much? I'd urge you to ask for help in finding toddler groups and activities. Or even classes where a creche is offered alongside. You'd benefit hugely from widening your social circle. Not just for adult friendship and support, but equally for friends and interests for your DC. Honestly, if you could take this step your life would be far happier

Does you ever go out on your own? Does your boyfriend go out on his own?

Are you doing 100% of the child care?

I do sympathise...

Overnights aren't a given though when you have a small child.

We were away overnight for first time when DD was 9. Doubt we will be again until she is in overnight respite care.

But I think you would be able to find an evening sitter locally.

Sorry but you decided to have a child so you and your boyfriend need to look after it, you can't assume that other people will help.

You need to get out though as you do sound very lonely, are there any nearby groups that you can join?

Unfortunately you cannot force your mother to want to look after her grandchild.

Some people don't do the baby stage well and struggle with it. My mum became much more involved once my children were at school and much more independent.

Your partner should have checked before he booked something. Lesson learned for next time.

Why can't you ask MIL again or even your partner's sister to have him?

The only people I see are my mum and my boyfriend. It's awfully depressing and very very very lonely.

Well quite apart from your current childcare problem this situation is something you should take action about asap. Nobody but you can address this issue but you CAN do something about it if you really want to.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and crying about having no friends and having to rely on a self-centred parent for company and make the effort to get out there. There must be toddler groups, mum friendly classes at the gym, story sessions in the local library or something if you look for it. When you start going to places where there are other women your age with children the same age then you have a chance to start building a social circle.

*I can compare a cat to a toddler, my son was only 8 months then and went in the cats bowl, the litter tray everything. Then the cat escaped so I had to chase the cat round the neighourhood while pushing a pram

I would happily babysit, obviously if I had no other plans. I would see that even my children need a break. My baby is my responsibility but my mum also chose to have me, she could at least want to help.*

Firstly - cats look after themselves, as demonstrated above, toddlers do not. If your mum lives 1 minute from you, why does it matter that he escaped? Cats come home 98% of the time! You are really clutching at straws here.

Secondly - you are not a child anymore. Pulling out the 'she chose to have me' argument is the sort of thing a child does. I am going to sound horrible here and normally I am not this blunt but it seems that you are not listening to the more gentle suggestions, you need to grow up a bit. Sometimes being a parent is shit, you miss out on fun stuff because you have to stay at home and look after the child but you do this because you love your child.

To be honest it sounds like both of you are struggling with the transition. She sounds shellshocked about being a grandmother and is coping by disengaging, you are struggling with some aspects of being a parent and you are asking her to help you with this but she isn't able to right now. You can't change her (but equally you can't blame her for everything), but you can listen to the advice that you have been given and start to change things.