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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to ask…whether you’ve ever left a relationship/DP because they haven’t proposed?

153 replies

Chocolateaddict9 · 05/01/2016 10:29

The recent thread in here got me thinking….has anyone left a partner because after a certain amount of time they hadn’t got a marriage proposal? If so, how long did you wait before you finally accepted they probably were never going to marry you?

My own personal circumstances (which I don’t really want to go into but are not that dissimilar to the OP’s in the other thread) has got me wondering…

OP posts:
gleam · 05/01/2016 10:36

Yes I have. When I realised he was more important to me than I was to him.

He also said twattish things like 'I'm going to walk up that hill with the woman I'm going to marry.'
But didn't want to walk up it with me as 'the weather was bad'. Hmm

HanSolo · 05/01/2016 10:39

Gosh gleam, that's a hurtful thing for someone to say. You were right to leave him, he certainly wasn't worthy of you.

WorraLiberty · 05/01/2016 10:41

Surely they would do the proposing and then if their DP said they really didn't want to marry them, then they would leave?

Seems a bit odd to leave someone for not asking the question.

Epilepsyhelp · 05/01/2016 10:44

I do have a friend who did but after a very protracted time of discussing commitment and settling down and buying house together etc, it wasn't as simple as he didn't ask the question so she left. I think a lot of partnerships probably break down on the basis of differing levels of commitment.

gleam you're well away from that twat!!

HanSolo · 05/01/2016 10:45

Haven't read the other thread, however I'm married but wasn't proposed to by my DH (have been by others though!).

I think if you define yourself by your marital status, there's something slightly missing in your life. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but some people are wonderful people, but really against the institution of marriage (because they've only seen it bring heartache). Some people are definitely worth staying with whether or not you're married. Only you know whether your partner is that person.

Unfortunately, in the UK, marriage is the best way to protect yourself and your children financially should anything go wrong (unless you're hugely independently wealthy).

PaulDirac · 05/01/2016 10:45

Yes I think the same Worra. I geuinely don't understand when I see posts on here about dp's not proposing and what should they do. How can you be in a serious relationship with someone and not have discussed what you plan to do with regards to marriage? If your dp hasn't proposed but you have both agreed you want to marry, why don't you propose or discuss setting a date etc? I'm not trying to be goady or whatever, I literally do understand it.

gleam · 05/01/2016 10:46

Yes, it did hurt at the time. That moment when you just sort of - stop - and reassess your whole relationship.

JohnLuther · 05/01/2016 10:52

Worra has summed up my thoughts Grin

I think the people who post 'leave DP if they don't propose' are talking bollocks, why don't YOU propose?

MsVestibule · 05/01/2016 10:53

I was living with my partner and two young DCs. TBH, it had all a bit of a rush (unplanned pregnancy when we'd only been together for a few months, moved in together, had baby, had another one 20 months later) but apart from him saying 'the man should be the one to propose' Hmm we hadn't discussed marriage at all.

When DC2 was 4 months old, I said 'this is not a proposal, but I want you to know that I don't wish us to remain unmarried forever'. He laughed his head off and proposed a few weeks later. However, given our situation, as long as I felt loved and secure in our relationship, I wouldn't have left him if he hadn't.

CarbonEmittingPenguin · 05/01/2016 10:59

Was it my thread Chocolate? I also wonder why more women don't propose but then again I think many women do raise the prospect. I'd like to think that at around 2/3 years someone would be able to figure out if they're well matched for marriage.

Original poster
Chocolateaddict9 · 05/01/2016 10:59

How about if 3 years in, you had the talk and the DP said that they still weren't sure whether they wanted to marry you. One party wanted children and the other party was undecided. Agreed to revisit again and have another chat in 2016...

..It's 2016.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolateaddict9 · 05/01/2016 11:02

Oh and just to add, feel v loved and secure in the relationship, both very happy. Yes, could bimble on this way indefinitely but would I want to?

OP posts:
PaulDirac · 05/01/2016 11:04

Chocaddict in that situation I would say both parties wanted different things and it wasn't right. I'd also have a suspicion the person who wasn't sure/ready/wait and see, wasn't really sure about me and was keeping their options open.

MsVestibule · 05/01/2016 11:06

chocolate I would assume that the he/she didn't want to marry their DP, ever. If they'd said said they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together but didn't agree with marriage, that may be different.

The 'having children' issue would definitely be a deal breaker for me.

Ladyface · 05/01/2016 11:07

I did but it wasn't as clear cut as he didn't propose so I left. There were issues in our relationship and after ten years I wanted proof that he saw a long term future together.

With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that his behaviour (I suspected cheating, emotional abuse) was making me feel insecure so I wanted this big gesture as reassurance.

PaulDirac · 05/01/2016 11:08

Yes agree with MsVestibule about it would be different if they didn't agree with marriage, as that is how I am. However, I'd marry dp if it came to it.

MsVestibule · 05/01/2016 11:08

Agree with paul. Who wants to waste time with somebody who is keeping their options open? I couldn't feel loved and secure with somebody like that, but that's just me, I'm not saying you shouldn't.

Ladyface · 05/01/2016 11:08

Oops cross posted - I see that you are happy in your relationship.

MsVestibule · 05/01/2016 11:09

Cross posts, paul, looks as though we're forming a mutual fan club Grin.

Horsemad · 05/01/2016 11:09

I know a couple who lived together for 15yrs and then split (not married, no DC).

They'd bought their dream house together and seemed very 'sorted' but he wouldn't get married and so she eventually left.

She has since wanted babies with every chap she meets, but given they're in their forties, most had already done that with previous wives/partners and didn't want to go down that route again.

She is now early forties and childless. And single.

wannaBe · 05/01/2016 11:11

IMO, if after a few years a couple are not able to have an honest discussion then there are issues in the communication within the relationship anyway. If as chocolate says above the conversation is had and one party said they're not sure they want to marry the other then I would take that to mean they don't feel the same as you do. Sorry. It's different to not believing in marriage, it's saying "I'm not sure that I want to marry you." My question would be, "what needs to happen for you to be sure then?"

If my dp said he didn't want to marry me Then I would automatically know that he didn't love me in the same way as I love him. There's no other reason why not, surely?

steppemum · 05/01/2016 11:12

it isn't the proposal though is it?
It is whether or not you both want the same thing, eg buy a house, have kids, settle down.

For me it would be about whether this was the relationship I considered to be longterm/forever, and whether or not they felt the same way.

I think that if someone is happy to bumble along, the question I would ask is, until when or what?
Until someone better turns up? Until you decide you want kids? Until you get bored? What is it that you are waiting for?
If they can't see a long term relationship with you, I would be off.

PaulDirac · 05/01/2016 11:15

Haha msV Grin

sooperdooper · 05/01/2016 11:17

I think it's really odd and outdated that some women sit about waiting/expecting a man to effectively make a huge and important decision about the rest of their life!!

If people want to get married they're surely adults so should discuss it like adults and come to a decision - I can't get my head round anyone not taking control of that if their partner isn't forthcoming and once they've decided yes we'll get married just getting on with it

icanteven · 05/01/2016 11:17

Honestly, I would not have children with somebody without the legal security of marriage. So... if my DP was avoiding the the question after three years (seriously, he STILL doesn't know? What's he waiting for? A holy revelation?) and having children was a priority for me, I would break up.

I wouldn't want somebody to propose to me to stop me leaving, incidentally. That doesn't strike me as a solid foundation for a lifelong marriage, really. Not that marriage is necessarily a foundation for lifelong marriage in itself, but statistically, your relationship is more likely to survive the long term if you are married.

It's fine not to want to marry somebody, of course, but you can't just keep them hanging on for years, and, depending on their age, with their fertility ticking away. At that point, it's plain good manners to break up!

Fun fact: Belgium's divorce rate is 71%!