WIBU to ask…whether you’ve ever left a relationship/DP because they haven’t proposed?

[Chocolateaddict9]

The recent thread in here got me thinking….has anyone left a partner because after a certain amount of time they hadn’t got a marriage proposal? If so, how long did you wait before you finally accepted they probably were never going to marry you?

My own personal circumstances (which I don’t really want to go into but are not that dissimilar to the OP’s in the other thread) has got me wondering…

Horses for courses, I guess. It's something we both wanted, but the important point was we agreed on the kids thing. It would be madness to marry if the couple wasn't in agreement.

So marriage is only for children? :/

I know loads of married childless couples.

Yes, if my fiancé said he didn't want children I would stand by him, even though I'd love children (thankfully we are agreed on this).

Totally agree with that slaggy

So marriage is only for children? :/

For me yes and clearly for the OP boyfriend too. It's not something I would have done if I didn't want kids

I actually think that is a very hurtful attitude, thinking that the only point of getting married is to have children.
Neither DH or I wanted children and it was still really important to me that we get married. I'd have hated it if it was simply a prize for being his brood mare.

This^^

Also, the unspoken, 'so you'd better be fertile' implication for both parties.

I split with a guy I'd been seeing long term. He wanted to get married. I didn't. Getting married was just about all he had to look forward in life. I didn't want children. Never have, still don't and never will. He did want children, I assumed. Just do what your parents did. Well, saves any real thought I suppose.

Looking back now, the idea of him being the father of my children really makes me laugh !

I married someone who didn't want children. Ever.

To be denied marriage because you have no intention of having children is just plain wrong.

So back we go to the, 'that's not normal' mentality of people who dare, who have the temerity, to make their own family planning decisions.

Marriage is for procreation only ? I will not be pressured into having children by societal expectations. Contraception is there for a reason. Even if the wilfully childfree are shunned by society as not being normal, not being right thinking.

No one else gets to dictate the terms of my life to me.

if he wouldn't countenance marriage after 3-4 years of dating, then i would end it.
i don't want to be some man's option, i want to be their priority.

toasted [shock*

Fair enough if you both want the same thing, but to say just do what your parents did. Saves any real thought I suppose That is not what it is all about. Very lacking in empathy. Can you really not understand why someone wants marriage and children? - even if you don't.

I wasn't bothered about marriage, I wanted to be with my DP whether we had DC or not, but I didn't need to be married to him to do that.

I did insist on being married before we tried for DC though, for the reasons outlined in my post above.

Oh yeah, I get it that lots of people want it. Lots of people get that. Some don't.

But to say, 'marriage = children' or you don't get married really grinds my gears.

Nope!

I don't think other people's marriages = children; they can do what they like but for me children = marriage as I wasn't prepared to have DC without being married.

No one else gets to dictate the terms of my life to me.

And who has done that?

No one said you must have children because you are married.

Personally I wouldn't get married if I didn't want kids. The operative word being I. I don't see the point.

That doesn't mean people who have kids have to get married, or married people have to have kids.

I love my dh and have been together since I was 18. Almost 18 years.

I love him, he is my best friend. I wouldn't have bothered getting married if we decided no children. It doesn't mean I don't love him.

Just that I understand where the OPs dp is coming from.

Besides which the OP and her dp haven't even agreed on wether to have children or not. Which is a pretty huge thing to sort out before getting engaged.

Yes, I have.
And I'm a bit pissed off with the people saying I should have just done it myself.
I wasn't just hanging about waiting to see if it would happen with no discussion after 7 years together. We'd talked about it several times and he kept saying not yet.
If I'd asked him, he's have said no. Why would I put myself through that?
If he asked, I would know he was ready and meant it.
I finished it. He was shocked
Begged me back, cried, opened up more than he ever had.
Too late.
Met someone new a few months later and we just got married

Horsemad, I know. Think there may have to be an ultimatum soon. Maybe what a pp's mum did, told her dad if he hadn't proposed within the year that would be it. If I give him that ultimatum, and he doesn't follow through, we'll have been together 7 and half years at that point, and I think something in me would snap.

I was never really sure if I wanted kids, ds was a surprise, but I always wanted to be married. Not so much the big day/white wedding I could care less about all the palava but to be a wife, and obviously have a husband.

I'm just not maternal or a fan of children.
I think it's understandable that he doesn't want to marry as he does want kids.

I've been wondering this. I've been with my partner for five years and we own a house and have a baby. We've both been married before and if anything, I feel like what we've got is a bigger commitment than marriage - I never have to see my ex husband again, whereas I'd probably have to see my current partner regularly for the rest of my life even if we split up, if we were to successfully co-parent.

He knows I want to get married, but he wants to "sort things out in our relationship" first (by which he means have more sex, I suffer from depression and that side of our relationship hasn't worked well for a while). I dunno.

I actually think that is a very hurtful attitude, thinking that the only point of getting married is to have children. Neither DH or I wanted children and it was still really important to me that we get married. I'd have hated it if it was simply a prize for being his brood mare.

Yes, exactly, I was really hurt when he said it. To me, marriage is about a lot more than just children. It’s a public commitment, a legal commitment to the one you love. With or without children.

I married someone who didn't want children. Ever. To be denied marriage because you have no intention of having children is just plain wrong. Marriage is for procreation only? I will not be pressured into having children by societal expectations. Contraception is there for a reason. Even if the wilfully childfree are shunned by society as not being normal, not being right thinking. No one else gets to dictate the terms of my life to me.

I actually think that is a very hurtful attitude, thinking that the only point of getting married is to have children. Neither DH or I wanted children and it was still really important to me that we get married. I'd have hated it if it was simply a prize for being his brood mare. This^^ Also, the unspoken, 'so you'd better be fertile' implication for both parties.

I agree. I think because I have a lot of pressure surrounding the children issue I get even more defensive. I hate people telling me I should want children and why should someone marry me if I don’t.

I have been thinking lately too that if I were to change my mind about children in the next year or so, I would probably have to take a fertility test to make sure I was even fertile.

There is definitely something horrible about someone saying to you they’ll only marry you if there are children involved. So, if it turns out I’m infertile I’m chucked on the scrap heap and it’s on to the next?! He has already said he wouldn’t adopt, couldn’t bring up someone else’s child etc.

OP you shouldn't be marrying someone who wants kids if you don't.

It's quite possible that's why he hasn't proposed.

That doesn't mean you have to u Sergio fertility tests.

I would have got married if I didn't want kids. However had I have married dh and he turned out to be infertile we would have explored options together. If something meant we ended up not be info able to have kids, I wouldn't have thrown him away.

But I wouldn't have chosen to settle down and marry someone that it was off the table, completely.

No one knows how life will pan out and plenty of people who want kids find out they can't.

But it should be something you agree on in the first place. If it doesn't work out the way you expect you go from there.

You say it's a good relationship and he loves you. Do you think he is the type to dump you if you are infertile?

Chocolate, interestingly, years ago I went out with a guy who told me that if he married someone and they turned out to be infertile he would divorce them, which rather horrified me as surely that's something you work through as a couple?

If you think that rather than your dp just wanting the opportunity to try for kids he's actually someone who'd dump you for turning out to be infertile, then yes that doesn't sound like a good basis for a relationship. Probably best to cut your losses.

Agree with jelly. You don't want to be with someone that you think will dump you for being infertile.

Don’t get me wrong, he is a good, kind and lovely man, he really is and so no, I don’t think he would divorce me if we were married or dump me if I turned out to be infertile.

But he HAS made it clear that he would like children, so if I turned out to be infertile, it wouldn’t be fair on me to marry him, or carry the relationship on I guess.

He would make a wonderful father, I wouldn’t want to definitely deny him that.

I love him so much, I have thought about having children for him, because I know what a wonderful father he’d be and I want to make him happy, but I know that isn’t a good basis for having children.

I left a partner because he was dragging his feet about getting married. The odd thing is that we were supposed to be "engaged". He proposed quite early on in the relationship, though I never got a ring.

Funny that.

I pulled the plug after I finally admitted to myself that our finances were too intertwined and we were living like a married couple in terms of division of domestic labour, employed work and a business start-up, joint accounts and future plans, yet I had none of the legal and financial security of marriage.

I was working unpaid on "our" start-up and doing all the domestic work, while he continued to work full-time, earning a very good salary. When I left, I had nothing -- but it was the best thing I ever did.

I now firmly believe that if I hadn't left, the relationship would have gone on in the same vein and then, one day, he would have just left himself, probably when I was at that age where it becomes tricky to another partner and start a family, and I would have been pretty penniless to boot.

I know far too many women who have found themselves in that situation. In my experience, there are a lot of men who see long term cohabitation as a way to get a free cook, cleaner, laundress, book-keeper and concubine, without incurring any liability on their behalf.

Think this thread has spurred me. Going to have a "serious" convo with dp tonight. Has given me lot's to think about.

Summed up: "men who see long term cohabitation as a way to get a free cook, cleaner, laundress, book-keeper and concubine, without incurring any liability on their behalf."

'I know far too many women who have found themselves in that situation.'

MN is loaded with women who sleepwalking into your situation, Werk, and have kids, too.

I don't get how people don't bring up what they want when the relationship becomes exclusive. If marriage is something you want, then you make that clear. If the other party isn't the marrying type, that comes out and you leave.

Far too many people hang on because 'I love him/her'. Well, learn to love yourself and what you want first.

Sacrificing what you want for love when you're young and carefree? Fuck that.