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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to ask…whether you’ve ever left a relationship/DP because they haven’t proposed?

153 replies

Chocolateaddict9 · 05/01/2016 10:29

The recent thread in here got me thinking….has anyone left a partner because after a certain amount of time they hadn’t got a marriage proposal? If so, how long did you wait before you finally accepted they probably were never going to marry you?

My own personal circumstances (which I don’t really want to go into but are not that dissimilar to the OP’s in the other thread) has got me wondering…

OP posts:

Whatthequack · 05/01/2016 11:18

Yes! I've been with Dp nearly 5 years, we've two dc, and just recently bought a house, new job. We've discussed being married etc, but dp seems to think I'm wanting some amazingly expensive ring, which we currently don't have the funds for due to the new house.

So after some thought over the weekend, I've decided I'm going to propose to him this leap year! I purchased a novelty ring on Amazon for under a tenner! We can then just save up and go to the town hall followed by an epic family holiday, as we previously discussed.

thelittleredhen · 05/01/2016 11:24

WhatTheQuack - I'd love to see the "novelty ring"!!

NinaSharp · 05/01/2016 11:32

I think it's really odd and outdated that some women sit about waiting/expecting a man to effectively make a huge and important decision about the rest of their life!!

If people want to get married they're surely adults so should discuss it like adults and come to a decision - I can't get my head round anyone not taking control of that if their partner isn't forthcoming and once they've decided yes we'll get married just getting on with it

Exactly. Why is the onus on a man to propose, rather than a couple to decide?

I can see why people do leave, though, if the issue is never dealt with properly and they are left hanging for years. A friend of mine issued an ultimatum to her partner about getting married, and was prepared to carry it out. But then he (lovely guy, really) never really gave a definitive answer to any of her questions. She would have been quite happy not to be married if he had just honestly said that he didn't feel right about/agree with marriage - it was the prevaricating on the issue and not knowing where she stood.

There's a big difference through between not wanting to get married because you have some issues with the institution, and not wanting to get married because you're hedging your bets. I suppose sometimes it's not easy to tell the difference, with some people.

TheTigerIsOut · 05/01/2016 11:32

Well... I haven't but I would. After a divorce, I don't equate marriage to a ring/white dress/big reception. It is all about the practicalities of a legal agreement. Obviously, there is also a big element of not feeling I was the "one" if he insisted in keeping the options open. So I think I would leave, I won't be throwing so much of me and my life into a single pot if he is not prepared to do the same.

I'm sure that there are other couples who are perfectly content without such legal contract, or would rather not go into one no matter how committed their relationships are. But if you are not one of them, what the others think won't make you happy. It has to be ok for YOU.

It is often said that if the guy has not proposed after 2 years, the likelihood of them spontaneously popping the question will diminish considerably for every year that passes afterwards. Apparently there is a biology link to it, something to do with the hormones that help you to set up as a couple going down. (sad as it is, the hormones will continue to go down ring or no ring though!)

So if you think you won't be happy without such commitment, it may be time to evaluate your relationship and decide a way forward before digging yourself more into it.

Have you discussed the subject with him? It may be that you are waiting for a surprise proposal while for him is business as usual (or if it's not broken, do not fix it).

Whatthequack · 05/01/2016 11:36

This is it. I'm going to make a ring case entirely out of Lego (similar to image attached).

WIBU to ask…whether you’ve ever left a relationship/DP because they haven’t proposed?

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/01/2016 11:42

No, but I was fairly clear that I wouldn't have children before marriage.

Not because I have any outmoded religious beliefs regarding it but for the legal protection it provides. I am very romantic.

budgiegirl · 05/01/2016 11:58

My DP and I had been together 3 years, living together 2 of them. We'd always discussed marriage and children, and both of us seemed to think it was in our future.

But we were discussing it one day, and DP said that he didn't think he really wanted to get married, just continue living together indefinitely. I knew I wouldn't be happy never getting married, so I left him.

He proposed two days later, and we'll have been married 20 years this summer. But if he hadn't wanted to get married, I would not have gone back. I know it would have caused problems if we wanted different things.

Sometimes I think people just want different things out of their relationship. OP, if he still doesn't want to marry you after 6 years (have I understood that right?) then it's time for you decide whether you can continue the relationship. He's unlikely to change his mind if things continue as they are.

Original poster

Chocolateaddict9 · 05/01/2016 12:01

No, it was just under 3 years when we had the 'convo' and he said 'Are you asking whether I think you're the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?! As, truthfully, we've only been together a couple of years (it wasn't it was just under 3!) and I'm not sure whether I know that for certain yet. Particularly as we're divided when it comes to wanting kids.'

OP posts:

budgiegirl · 05/01/2016 12:10

No, it was just under 3 years Ah, apologies, I misread. Still, I do think that 3 years is long enough to know whether you are 'the one' or not.

As someone said upthread, I think it would be different if he was generally against marriage, or whether it's just that he doesn't want to marry you.

It is also difficult if you are in different places regarding kids. Are you poles apart on this, or is it just a case of 'not yet'?

Ultimately you have to decide how important marriage is to you, and what you think his reasons for not getting married are. Could you continue knowing you might never marry him? Will you feel secure emotionally if he doesn't want to get married?

As I said, it took me three years to get to the point of leaving. I was in my mid twenties at the time.

BlueMoonRising · 05/01/2016 12:11

Statistics statistics.

Of COURSE people are more likely to stay together forever if they are married.

If 50% of people end up getting married and staying together 'till death they do part.

The other 50% of people end up in long term relationships that stay together 'till death they do part'

Statistically, the marriages will still have a higher percentage of staying together, because MOST of those people will have been in earlier, unsuccessful, relationships where they didn't get married and ended up splitting up.

You can't rely on statistics.

BlueMoonRising · 05/01/2016 12:16

Sorry that doesn't help the op.

No. I was in a relationship where he didn't want marriage at first, and I understood his reasons so stayed. By the time he was ready for marriage, I was ready to leave (not because of the marriage issue, that wasn't an issue for me at all).

I think it depends how secure you are in the relationship, and how important marriage is to you. Is he in it for the long term, just not interested in a wedding? Or is he hedging his bets and hoping someone better will come along?

thelittleredhen · 05/01/2016 12:17

Whatthequack - That is fucking awesome! Wow, what a great alternative to a huge diamond ;-)

Wineandrosesagain · 05/01/2016 12:19

Op is it you or him that is undecided about children?

knobblyknee · 05/01/2016 12:21

Yes, then he got cold feet and wanted to move back in.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 05/01/2016 12:45

I don't get the "waiting for a man to propose" thing either. Me and my husband had a conversation about 18 months into our relationship and agreed together to get married. So we got married.

Best friend had been with partner for 14 years. Not exaggerating, she spent ten years of that on tenterhooks waiting for "the moment". Every holiday, birthday, anniversary, Christmas.... It was exhausting listening to her go on about it so God knows what it was like living it. For the final five years she was permenently miserable and yet wouldn't have an adult conversation with him about it. On their 15th anniversary they went out for dinner and she was CONVINCED it was the night. By this time I had been married 5 years and had a child. She had told me, her mum, her sisters... God, I was on edge waiting for the text confirming he had done the deed. And nothing. So she got raving drunk and told him when they got home that she was leaving unless he proposed. So he proposed to her, both in tears, in the middle of a row.

Really healthy.

They are married now but fucking hell, why they couldn't have just discussed it like grown ups I genuinely have no idea.

Original poster

Chocolateaddict9 · 05/01/2016 12:46

It's me that's undecided re children. Unusual I know but I'm just not maternal or a fan of children.

OP posts:

budgiegirl · 05/01/2016 13:06

If you are unsure about children, then that does change things a bit, I think. You can't really expect him to decide whether he wants to marry you, when you can't decide whether you will want to have children. If you told him that you definitely didn't want kids, well, then he could think about whether he could accept that and marry you anyway. But if you are undecided, I then I can see why he is undecided too.

PaulDirac · 05/01/2016 13:12

So Fell, your friend had not discussed it at all and was waiting for a surprise proposal for 15 years! I don't understand how those relationships work. How the people don't talk to each other, and for 15 years?!

wannaBe · 05/01/2016 13:13

Ah, you being undecided about children changes things. If he wants children and you don't (and there's no right or wrong there) then he would be wise to consider his future with you. And tbh, you would be unreasonable to put pressure on him to marry you.

Children are a deal breaker in most relationships tbh.

KERALA1 · 05/01/2016 13:30

My sister. Bil said he wasn't sure about them getting married had been together years. Dsis drove off immediately dumped him there and then. He came running after her with a ring in tears. All his friends told him he had been an idiot. Happily married for 10 plus years now 3 lovely kids he is a great husband does stacks round the house.

TheCraicDealer · 05/01/2016 13:43

DMum gave my dad an ultimatum. She said if she didn't have a ring on her finger by the end of the year, that was it. Apparently he let it go to the wire and then sheepishly said, "do you want to look at rings?". Probably for the best because his brother has been with his partner since they were 15/16, they're sixty now and they still aren't really living together, never mind getting married or having kids.

I don't understand why people agonise over it really. DP and I have been together five years, he's wanted me to commit for ages and now I'm 'ready' to get engaged he's enjoying keeping me going about it. We talk about getting married all the time, we talk about having kids all the time, we talk seriously about timescales and expectations- I don't get the fear some OP's have about talking to the man they want to marry about it. But I don't want to propose to him- I have to write him lists of present ideas every birthday and Christmas fgs, the least he can do is plan a romantic proposal for me [sniff]

DragAct · 05/01/2016 13:52

I nearly left someone because he kept proposing and I hated the idea of marriage, although I loved him, and we'd been together 15 years. In the end I agreed as long as we did it with two people off the street at witnesses, and didn't tell anyone.

blueemerald · 05/01/2016 13:53

A friend of mine's sister has been engaged to her partner for 11 years, they have three children together but he won't set a date because (in the sister's words) 'he says marriage is something you only do once and he's not sure.'

Being engaged isn't always enough and I would leave a man who said the above to me!

FellOutOfBedTwice · 05/01/2016 14:03

Paul they had a conversation about it very early on- like a year in- and he apparently said something like the he definitely wanted to marry one day but was traditional and wanted to be the one to propose. In my opinion total power play and just said that so she would feel she couldn't bring it up. Very sneaky.

I'm quite fond of him really but do think that kind of chat is absolute bollocks and designed just to shut women up.

Original poster

Chocolateaddict9 · 05/01/2016 14:24

I understand the children thing is an issue. I'm less against the idea now than I was this time last year, so who knows, maybe this time next year I'll be gagging for sproglets. He has said he doesn't see the point in marriage unless to procreate, whereas I see marriage differently.

Maybe we're just not right for one another :(

OP posts:

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