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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to ask…whether you’ve ever left a relationship/DP because they haven’t proposed?

153 replies

Chocolateaddict9 · 05/01/2016 10:29

The recent thread in here got me thinking….has anyone left a partner because after a certain amount of time they hadn’t got a marriage proposal? If so, how long did you wait before you finally accepted they probably were never going to marry you?

My own personal circumstances (which I don’t really want to go into but are not that dissimilar to the OP’s in the other thread) has got me wondering…

OP posts:
wannaBe · 05/01/2016 14:43

Thing is though, it's a lot harder to get divorced than to walk away from a relationship.

You need to be realistic about this. He won't marry you because at the moment you don't know whether you want to have children. This means that because he does want children, there is a possibility that at some point he will decide he doesn't want to wait any more and will walk away.

There are numerous threads on MN from women whose partners don't yet know whether they want to have children. The answer to those threads is always that if children is important to them then they should leave.

You're not wrong for not wanting children, no-one should ever feel that they should have children they don't want. However he is not wrong for not wanting to get married to someone who doesn't want children when he does.

If someone posted here "My dp wants us to get married but I'm not sure because he/she doesn't know whether they want children yet, and I really do," the response would be not to get married.

PaulDirac · 05/01/2016 15:32

I think you're right Fell.

Op I agree with everyone that you being unsure about wanting children really changes things. If he had a definite yes it no he could decide whether he could live forever with that choice. I don't think you should feel pressured to say you want children though, even if that means you two aren't suited long term.

steppemum · 05/01/2016 21:18

I agree with wannabe.

It is really not surprising that he doesn't want to commit if he wants kids and you don't.
It would be a deal breaker for me. As the clock ticks faster for a woman, I would up and leave. As the man, he has more time to wait and see if you will change your mind, but hardly surprising that he won't commit to marriage.

Not a criticism of you, just the reality of the situation

razmataz · 05/01/2016 22:47

It's a really tough situation.

I've been with my partner for almost ten years, although only in my late 20s as we got together young. We own a house together and we've lived together for 6 years, so very committed. Had numerous conversations about marriage so it's not that he is against the idea or has suggested he's not sure about me. Always said that he wants to be the one to propose, and has even talked in the past about plans of how he will do it.

I've been ready for a few years now, but he just hasn't asked me yet. We've had numerous conversations but I try not to nag so don't bring it up too often. There's no point in me proposing - I don't want to force it. It's so frustrating though. All my friends now are getting engaged and planning weddings, and I feel left on the shelf, even though we're perfectly happy and settled. But I've always wanted to get married which he knows full well, and I'm getting really hacked off.

Up until a few months ago it was financial reasons that were preventing it as we were skint, but that's not the case anymore. If we get to our ten year anniversary and he still hasn't popped the question, it will be time for a very serious conversation because I'm not prepared to carry on indefinitely without getting married.

Laquitar · 06/01/2016 00:13

You see i think if one person wants it very much and the other person controls the situation it is almost like emotional abuse, keeping you on eggshells. And the woman tries to bereally 'good' all those years to win the prize.
Imagine saying tp your dp ' we will go holidays one day but only when i decide so, in the meantime you must be good and must not mention it. Just wait pentiently for years'!
How would that sound?

unimaginativename13 · 06/01/2016 00:27

For me it quite simple. You've expressed the need to get married, you've looked at rings and discussed weddings- he still hasn't asked you because he doesn't want to marry you!!

I really dislike women discussing 'when we get married' or 'I made him look at rings' .......but he not fucking asked you!!!

I think engagement should have an element of surprise. You don't want to look all bunny boiler and keep saying 'when you propose to me'

TheTigerIsOut · 06/01/2016 05:41
  1. I think those points are valid early in the relationship, but after so many years is not about the ring or the party, it is about ensuring that he is as committed to the relationship as you are. It is all fine and dandy to want the magic of a surprise proposal but not at the risk of investing years of your life and a sugnificant amount if resources in simeone who after years of interaction is not convinced they want to be with you in the long term.
wickedlazy · 06/01/2016 06:02

I've considered it. We've been together nearly 6 and a half years, have a ds together and lived together for 5 years. The couples we know that started dating around the same time as us are all engaged, (including a couple that met through us, one of my friends with one of his). Oh and the one couple who are married now. And they met a year after we did. He knows I want to get married, but when I mention getting engaged or marriage or weddings (every so often, not like it's a daily or even monthly topic) he says to "just wait and see". He's been saying this for 2 years, but still says it in a way that hints he has something planned which isn't nice or fair surely, getting my hopes up like that. I honestly wonder if he will ever ask. If it gets to 8 or 9 years and he still hasn't asked, I will probably seriously consider leaving him, for not being able to commit to me fully. Have thought about it now in terms of I love him, and would love to be his wife, but does he feel the same? Makes me feel a bit shitty thinking like that, and I hope he will ask. I try to tell myself it's just a piece of paper to make myself feel better about it, but it's not. Not to me anyway. If women traditionally did the asking, I'd have asked him a year or two ago.

wickedlazy · 06/01/2016 06:10

I did once ask him how he would feel if I asked him, we were watching a show where female lead asked her bf, and he said he wouldn't like it, that he would prefer to do the asking.

RhiWrites · 06/01/2016 06:21

It's all very well for a man to say he "prefers to do the asking" but it seems like a lot of the time that's an excuse not to ask at all.

annandale · 06/01/2016 06:37

in answer to the OP - no, but I've basically proposed to two men and married both of them. Marrying the first one was a mistake because of different views about children. If you fundamentally want different and incompatible things, don't get married. If you are in the same place about this stuff and you want to get married, ask him.

wickedlazy · 06/01/2016 06:48

Rhiwrites, starting to think that. That it's just a way to string me along, so he can live like a married man (with all the benefits) but no buying rings/paying for a wedding etc. and he can walk away any time he wants with very little fuss.

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/01/2016 07:02

I agree with other posters that if the only reason that you are leaving (and there are no other issues) is because you haven't be proposed too, then you should do the proposing.

In the OP's situation it is different as the OP doesn't want children (yet/ever)

Asskicker · 06/01/2016 07:16

Well he isn't proposing because he hasn't decided whether he can settle for not having children.

Some people can and some people can't.

Honestly in your situation I can't see why he would Spring a proposal on you. He may be giving you time to make you mind up, before making his up.

Why get engaged if you can not agree on something as fundamental as children.

I am always aghast at women who sit and wait, while moaning, that their dp hasn't proposed. If a relationship is great and you have both talked about getting married and he hasn't done it either tell him (which most of these posters don't want to do as they will then feel that he only did it because they told them too) or ask him yourself.

I really think you need to decide on kids before your relationship can go further. If you can agree on children (either way) and he still doesn't propose....ask him.

Littlecaf · 06/01/2016 07:17

I've never been particularly bothered about getting married but I have left a relationship due to commitment issues.

We were together 3 years and I'd finished uni and moved close by to his - (our relationship was previously over a distance while I was at uni and he was from the same general area as me) and I had got a job in the general area. After a year of living seperately, I broached the question of living together. He pretty much ignored me. Over the course of a few months I tried to discuss with him what he wanted long term, whether that be marriage, kids etc, making it clear that those topics were up if discussion but I wasn't looking to get married or start a family anytime soon, just wanted a general ball park idea of where we were going. He just wouldn't engage with the conversation, even about moving in together. Seeing as I couldn't even get him to give me some indication of what he wanted, I left.

Subsequently I found out that the relationship with the girlfriend after me ended for similar reasons. She was more traditional than me she wanted the whole caboodle.

A year or so ago a mutual friend told me he'd had a fling she got someone pregnant. She'd had the baby and to do the 'right' thing he's married her, and moved to her village in a different part of the country. Although he might be ready to commit (10 years after me!) I suspect this time he didn't have a choice in the matter after pressure from his and her family. Apparently he's very unhappy about being 'railroaded' into the situation.

I learnt that you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. If you have different ideas about how you want to shape your lives together, I would give it a period of time to reconcile, but if there's no coming together of minds (and be prepared to give a little yourself, you could get him to say you will get married, but say give him x amount of years to propose) then I would look at what is keeping you together if your so fundamentally opposed to the same sort of life.

Seeyounearertime · 06/01/2016 07:25

The thread titles question is weird to me.
It's basically saying,
"I love someone enough that I want to marry them and stay with them forever but I don't love them enough to stay with them if they don't propose"

How very conflicting and odd. Confused

SlaggyIsland · 06/01/2016 07:33

Chocolateaddict I actually think that is a very hurtful attitude, thinking that the only point of getting married is to have children.
Neither DH or I wanted children and it was still really important to me that we get married. I'd have hated it if it was simply a prize for being his brood mare.

Asskicker · 06/01/2016 07:40

slaggy not really. Why would you marry someone who doesn't want kids, if you do?

SlaggyIsland · 06/01/2016 07:43

Asskicker I didn't mean that anyone should marry someone that didn't want kids, if that's what they want. I just think it's a bit hurtful to be the only reason for marrying someone, like they are not good enough in and of themselves.

wickedlazy · 06/01/2016 07:50

If you've made it clear you want to get married at some stage, and your partner has said they're open to marriage, but want it to be with the one and it to really be "till death do us part", years later if they still haven't asked you to marry them, you do question if they see you as "the one" or just "the one who'll do for now". And if they love you in the same way you love them. And you do wonder are they keeping their options open. Which is when you could start to consider ending the relationship.

Horsemad · 06/01/2016 07:54

slaggy, to me the only reason to get married is to have children.

Marriage affords the protection that women need if they are giving up a job/career to be the main carer of DC and there is no way on earth I'd have had DC if I wasn't married first.

wickedlazy, why would your DP get married? He's got everything he wants without having to get married.
I hope he comes good and you get your proposal, but be prepared that he might not...

SlaggyIsland · 06/01/2016 08:01

Horsemad I completely agree with you about getting married before you have children, I think women take a real risk otherwise giving up their careers, one reads it time and time again on here.
However, marriage can still be very useful for those who don't have children, eg next of kin, inheritance tax, getting residence as the trailing spouse when working abroad (something we've just done), etc.

Horsemad · 06/01/2016 08:08

Yes, the working abroad thing would be practical, I agree.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 06/01/2016 08:16

A few years ago my friend was all ready to leave her partner in the new year. She was just letting him stay for Christmas for the sake of the children. It was absolutely over. He proposed Christmas day, they married and have been together ever since.
It wasn't about the proposal as such, it was about respect, she felt taken for granted.

Asskicker · 06/01/2016 08:21

Tbh be honest slaggy if didn't want children I wouldn't have been bothered about marriage either.

There would be no reason to legal tie myself to another person.

For me marriage is about kids and if you can't agree on the situation with kids, I don't see the point.

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