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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lending money to brother in law

267 replies

HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 09:28

Brother in law is married but regularly asks dh (his brother) for loans on the quiet, asking that we don't tell my sil. The texts are pleading and using wording that will pull on dh's heartstrings.

Seems a strange marriage as sil inherited a lot of money and treats bil to lovely holidays etc but expects bil to pay some bills- but when he can't (work sporadic), he turns to dh. Dh told him we're happy to lend them money providing it's above board (ie she knows). He's now told bil it's me that feels we should only lend money with sil's knowledge.

Backstory is around 9 years ago, dh lent him an astronomical sum which he's never had back and written off. He also owed his sister money. Having said that, last time he borrowed money he paid back. Dh is making me feel like a bitch for saying no, but i'm just so sick of dh's kindness being abused.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 05/01/2016 09:33

Of course you shouldn't be giving him money without the SILs knowledge. You are not a bitch

CarbonEmittingPenguin · 05/01/2016 09:37

You're not a bitch and you're absolutely right that your DHs kindness is being abused. You're SIL should know.

Birdsgottafly · 05/01/2016 09:38

Is it impacting on your family life?

Is your BIL being financially abused in any way?

It can happen to either gender.

It sounds as though he's in a difficult situation that he doesn't want to end his marriage over.

Unless it is eating into family/your money, I do think that your DH should be able to make the descion to help his Brother, if he wants to.

Penfold007 · 05/01/2016 09:40

Ask your H how he would feel if SIL was lending you money behind his back.

BarbaraofSeville · 05/01/2016 09:45

There are lots of different issues here. Why doesn't BIL have regular work? What is the money being spent on? How much does he earn when he does work? How much does SIL earn. How much do they need to earn to cover their basic expenses? Do they have DCs?

Without knowing the full picture it is impossible to say what is fair here, because it could be that:

A: BIL is a lazy spendthrifth cocklodger
B: SIL is controlling and financially abusive

Or more likely, somewher in the middle, but overall, lending him money is not likely to solve their problems. If he is able to, he should work and pay his share of the bills. If he is not working without good reason, he shouldn't be relying on family to regularly bail him out.

Marynary · 05/01/2016 09:56

Whether or not your SIL knows really isn't any of your or your DH's business. If you and your DH don't want to lend him anymore money, then don't.

Birdsgottafly · 05/01/2016 09:59

You also seem to want to bring something from 9 years ago , into the here and now, which is unfair.

As for your DHs "kindness", if he wants to direct his kindness to his Brother and it doesn't affect you, then that's his right to do that.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 10:00

We don't know all the ins and outs of their financial situation. They have no children together. I suspect sil thinks he's a cocklodger. Dh can afford to lend to him but this happens regularly with the emotional blackmail escalating. I understand it's his brother and dh is a great family man but bil is not the only member of dh's family to ask for loans and Upsets me that they know he's a soft touch and take advantage.

Dh has just spoken to bil, the amount needed has now increased. Dh told him that we are only happy to lend money with sil's knowledge. This won't be the end of it though...

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 05/01/2016 10:02

If he doesn't want to lend his brother money then that's u to him. But why should it be dependent on him telling sil?

dementedpixie · 05/01/2016 10:04

Why should op's husband fund his brother's lifestyle? Has he said what he wants the money for?

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 10:04

Birds I hear your point about the huge amount being 9 years ago and somewhat agree. If this was a one off it wouldn't be an issue. It's just the regularity of it that pisses me off, coupled with the fact that last time Dh lent him money, he pointed out to bil that they were always going on cruises so things couldn't be that tough- to which bil said that they had no further cruises planned. Two days later they were off.

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Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 10:10

He says he needs the money for credit card bills- but he habitually lies so it's anyone's guess

OP posts:
JohnLuther · 05/01/2016 10:12

Could the brother be being financially abused?

Encyclo · 05/01/2016 10:13

Is there a reason his work is sporadic? Health for example?

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 10:17

I think she resents sharing her money with him and resents the fact he doesn't try hard enough to find work. So I have some sympathy for him there. But with the regular requests, we are simply paint their bills for them whilst they swan off on their next cruise. Should Dh have to sustain this long term? I wish I knew more about their financial situation so as to do the right thing, but j don't.

OP posts:
ConferencePear · 05/01/2016 10:17

If your BIL is frequently asking for loans there is a financial problem somewhere in his life. It should not be up to you to solve it.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 10:18

Sorry- paying their bills, not paint!

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 05/01/2016 10:19

Of course your SIL should know that her household income doesn't work as well as she thinks. But since your DH colludes in this, you'll find you get painted as the bad guy. Point out to him that this is your family money he's giving away, though I suspect your DH sees it as his money and his choice.

BarbaraofSeville · 05/01/2016 10:20

If the SIL came on here and said:

My DH works on and off so doesn't always have enough money to pay his share of the bills. I could pay for him out of my inheritence, but I think he should actually pay his share, posters would be screaming 'cocklodger' urging her to LTB and protect her inheritence at all costs.

I don't think the OP or her DH should lend the BIL the money, especially as he has a poor record about paying it back. If they are going on cruises they have enough money to live, he/she/they are just not managing it properly. Perhaps they need financial/relationship advice instead?

Duckdeamon · 05/01/2016 10:20

Your DH is part of the problem here. It's not really kindness to give away family money to his extended family, to tell his brother that it's you seeking to limit this unless SiL is informed, or to "make you feel like a bitch" for not wanting it to continue.

Duckdeamon · 05/01/2016 10:21

The large sum years ago IS relevant.

WitchWay · 05/01/2016 10:21

Do you ever get any of the money back?

NA200712 · 05/01/2016 10:26

I can understand why your SIL might feel resentful towards him if he isn't trying hard enough to find a job.
Maybe if he doesn't help him out it might be the kick he needs to try harder to find a job?

It seems a strange situation that he asks to borrow money yet they are jetting off on holidays all the time.

ItsANewDayToday · 05/01/2016 10:28

So basically it's easier for your BIL to ask his brother for money because he is a soft touch than to deal with his wife. If they have enough money to go on holidays then I wouldn't be lending them anything.

We have been in a very similar position with my DHs brother and wife borrowing large sums of money and not paying us back despite it clearly being a loan. My problem is my soft touch DH who falls for his brothers tears. They have chosen to go on holiday and have extensions in the meantime rather than put us back. My BIL has also secretly asked my DH for money without his wife's knowledge. My DH said He was nearly in tears Hmm

If they made any attempt to ever pay us back I wouldn't mind so much. We are in a far better financial situation than them because we worked for it but that doesn't mean I'm happy giving away our cash. Id rather give it to our DC.

OP, in your situation then I wouldn't want to help your BIL out. If his wife has money then you are simply giving him money to save his pride. If he is being financially abused then surely he could decline the holidays etc. Maybe you could suggest your DH tries to have a proper conversation about it. Surely if they are close enough to lend and borrow money then they can actually talk about it especially as it keeps happening.

I'm a bit Shock at posters who seem to think you are being mean not lending/giving them the money just because he is you BIL.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 10:29

TendonQueen no, Dh does not see it as his money and his choice, which is why he is asking me what we should do. Dh hasn't called me a bitch for stipulating a condition to the loan- it's how I feel. No WitchWay, we never saw any of that money again. Dh forgets that at the time, he struggled financially himself after 'lending' bil that money.

Dh is of the opinion generally that money is just a means to an end and will happily lend to any extended family that asks. It's just that bil asks so regularly.

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