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Original poster

Lending money to brother in law

267 replies

HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 09:28

Brother in law is married but regularly asks dh (his brother) for loans on the quiet, asking that we don't tell my sil. The texts are pleading and using wording that will pull on dh's heartstrings.

Seems a strange marriage as sil inherited a lot of money and treats bil to lovely holidays etc but expects bil to pay some bills- but when he can't (work sporadic), he turns to dh. Dh told him we're happy to lend them money providing it's above board (ie she knows). He's now told bil it's me that feels we should only lend money with sil's knowledge.

Backstory is around 9 years ago, dh lent him an astronomical sum which he's never had back and written off. He also owed his sister money. Having said that, last time he borrowed money he paid back. Dh is making me feel like a bitch for saying no, but i'm just so sick of dh's kindness being abused.

OP posts:
redskirt3 · 05/01/2016 12:10

That is a ridiculous amount of money. I think the loans really should stop.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 12:12

Suzanne bil has nothing on dh. Dh didn't have to tell me about the requests.

OP posts:
thelittleredhen · 05/01/2016 12:15

To be honest, if BIL's work is so sporadic that he has to regularly borrow from you, I'd question why he's not looking for other work or why he doesn't speak to his wife about juggling their finances better.

This is the first week of a new year, I'd be using that as an excuse to have a "neither a borrower nor a lender be" rule.

It's all good and well saying DH wouldn't see a family member starve - invite them for dinner rather than handing over cash and see how well that goes down.

suzannecaravaggio · 05/01/2016 12:15

If He's so sharp how come his family make such a mug of him....?

suzannecaravaggio · 05/01/2016 12:18

It's the fact they take full advantage of this that irks me
Blame him for that not them

''Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me"

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 12:27

Dh has begged him to speak to his wife. He just says "I can't for many reasons". But he won't say what they are. If he's not honest how can we help him. Exactly Suzanne- he's not so sharp with his family! Or rather, he just can't say no. He's the type to go out of his way to help anyone if he can- he's an unusually kind person, one of he reasons I love him, but I guess this is the flip side.

OP posts:
suzannecaravaggio · 05/01/2016 12:33

Emotional blackmail
Bro is telling him
'If you don't help me my life will fall apart and you will suffer'
We should never give in to blackmail because more will inevitably follow
Your husband is now his brother's bitch

suzannecaravaggio · 05/01/2016 12:34

I.e. he owns him

Bakeoffcake · 05/01/2016 12:36

Could you persuade dh to invite BIL over, then you can both speak to him?

He needs to realise you and DH are acting as one on this and that he can't keep on like this forever.

He needs to acknowledge he had money problems and needs to do something about it!

How much does he usually ask for and how often?

LagunaBubbles · 05/01/2016 12:38

It doesnt matter how long ago it was, if a member of my family owed me £60K and didnt make any effort to pay it back theres no way I would be lending them more, brother or no brother!

suzannecaravaggio · 05/01/2016 12:38

Also bear in mind the principle of least interest:
In any relationship the one with the most to lose has the least power

So why does your husband appear to have the least power?

LagunaBubbles · 05/01/2016 12:39

Dh is not a stupid man- he's very sharp in business, but finds it hard to say no to his family. It's the fact they take full advantage of this that irks me

Its your DH that is the problem here.

suzannecaravaggio · 05/01/2016 12:42

If he refuses to loan the money what will happen?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/01/2016 12:43

How exactly does your DH think he's helping anyone with this endless enablement? Your BIL is being evasive and manipulative at best and lying at worst, and still he coughs up the cash (and that's quite apart from what he gives other family members)

Isn't it possible that BIL's now doing this simply because he can, and that it's easier to tap DH for money than sort his own issues out? Sorry, but this just wouldn't be good enough for me, especially when your own family have been left short because of it; with no obvious limits on their behaviour they'll probably take the lot and drag you down with them

Rather than more fruitless "discussions" with BIL I'm afraid I'd be having some hard words with DH Sad

Marynary · 05/01/2016 12:47

Bil tells Dh he has money coming in so its just a cash flow problem as his account has been 'hacked'. All bollocks we're 100% sure.

I amazed you give him money considering that he is so obviously lying and effectively trying to con you. That is the kind of bullshit we get from my BIL when attempting to extract money.
Step away. His relationship with SIL and his financial problems are not your business.

Duckdeamon · 05/01/2016 12:49

£60k! Never repaid. That is a shedload of money.

Your DH shouldn't be giving him a penny, with or without SiL's knowledge.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 13:16

I hear you all. Apparently bil has always been a nightmare, and dh's family are terrified that if he and sil split, the beast will be unleashed.. Dh's whole family have a history of turning to dh to sort out their problems (usually financial but not always).

Yes, I know I have a dh problem. Puzzle yes I also think bil is doing this because he can, and it's the easy option for him. If it wasn't for me, dh would have given him the money. A family member is dying (not close to bil), and dh is buying peace for everyone. But he hasn't handed over any money yet, as we've had no proof sil knows. I'm quite sure next time bil asks, there'll be a "Don't tell Hormonal" added at the end. As far as I know dh has never lied to me; I'm hoping he won't for an easy life.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 05/01/2016 13:19

Oh dear. Your husband sounds like a total sap!

You can't say to someone "I need you to lend me money" and when they ask why say "loads of reasons but I can't tell you"! Shock

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 13:27

I know. Thanks for your help. I just wanted to know I wasn't being a heartless bitch. Right or wrong, bil must hate me though. For some reason I can't fathom, dh feels responsible for all his family, also mine, who wouldn't dream of asking for a thing. I keep telling myself I know he's very weak and flawed in this way, things could be worse.. I could be married to bil !

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/01/2016 13:39

Yes, things could be worse; you could be on your last tenner because the family had taken it all - but isn't that where they'd be quite happy to see you anyway?

I'm sorry to hear about your poorly family member, but face it: if it wasn't this it would be something else. Hard to see what alternative there is, other than DH simply telling them there'll be no more money

DeeDee33 · 05/01/2016 14:04

But your dh is not taking responsibility for bil is he? He's allowing things to go from bad to worse if he just hands over money, especially without knowing the ins and outs. Who knows what he may be enabling- loan sharks? Ludicrous expensive gifts to keep his abusive wife on side? If he really wants to help his brother as opposed to getting him off his back (but pissing you off in the process) he needs to know what is going on and be firm and consistent -- well he does seem to feel he's everyone 's parent.

Is your dh insecure? Is he worried family members won't love him if he doesn't keep handing over the cash?

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 14:12

No DeeDee dh isn't insecure, he believes that's what family is about, helping eachother in times of trouble. I see it as taking the piss.

OP posts:
skyeskyeskye · 05/01/2016 14:35

I agree that your DH needs to stop enabling your BIL. Your DH is not responsible for BIL or his expenses or debts. My comment upthread shows how my ex family member did it all over again after being bailed out. He was 48 at the time so not a child.

XH at that time wanted to lend XBIL money to buy a vehicle, or to take out HP for him.

I refused, on the grounds that if he had screwed his own mother over, he wouldn't think twice about screwing us over.

XBIL would spend all of his money on pimping up his car and van, got a dog that he couldn't afford to keep, and then complained that he couldn't afford the rent and food and electric etc etc etc.

He also worked selectively, not actively going out to get work, waiting til it came to him and not earning enough to live off.

Your DH really does have to be cruel to be kind. Your BIL needs to take responsibility for his own life and his own finances. Whilst other people continue to bail him out he will never learn the lesson or learn how to manage his money.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 05/01/2016 14:36

The last thing DH should do is give someone who is bad with money yet more money.

DH is enabling BIL's poor relationship with his DW and is gradually reducing his own family's security and savings by giving money to everyone who has their hand out.

I wouldn't see my DB or BIL homeless but I would not be enabling a lifestyle that included holidays.

Your BIL is shameless and selfish. I don't know how he could take money from you and your children once let alone over and over. Shame on him and shame on DH.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 05/01/2016 14:44

Everyone who says your DH is enabling his DB is correct and as much as you worry that DBIL 'must hate me' you are on the road to hating him because of the financial problems he's constantly bringing to your door. You're certainly bothered by it and who wouldn't be?

DH isn't helping, and it isn't a time of trouble, it's simply his DB's go-to solution instead of working out personal issues with his wife. This is what you need to get across to him. Tell DH that to help he needs to sort out a solution which means his DB isn't caught in a loop of tapping you up for cash and then going off on holiday. His DW needs to manage her expectations if she wants him to have more of an equal contribution to their lifestyle. It's not wrong of her to want him to contribute and it's not wrong to want a lifestyle she can afford, but she's having her cake and eating it now, they both are, and it's all on your bill.