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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lending money to brother in law

267 replies

HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 09:28

Brother in law is married but regularly asks dh (his brother) for loans on the quiet, asking that we don't tell my sil. The texts are pleading and using wording that will pull on dh's heartstrings.

Seems a strange marriage as sil inherited a lot of money and treats bil to lovely holidays etc but expects bil to pay some bills- but when he can't (work sporadic), he turns to dh. Dh told him we're happy to lend them money providing it's above board (ie she knows). He's now told bil it's me that feels we should only lend money with sil's knowledge.

Backstory is around 9 years ago, dh lent him an astronomical sum which he's never had back and written off. He also owed his sister money. Having said that, last time he borrowed money he paid back. Dh is making me feel like a bitch for saying no, but i'm just so sick of dh's kindness being abused.

OP posts:
Strangertides1 · 05/01/2016 11:17

Why does your dh go over BILa head and actually speak to sil about the loans? Find out for sure if she knows? You bil and sil may have some sort to problem if they can't stop spending and I think your dh is enabling the behaviour.

skyeskyeskye · 05/01/2016 11:18

If your BIL has built up credit card debts and his wife doesn't want to bail him out, then you shouldn't either. By doing that you are not helping him.

An ex family member of mine ran up credit card debts of almost £40K. his mother remortgaged her bungalow to pay it all off. Within 2 years he had run up another 40K and went bankrupt. His mother was still stuck with the mortgage......

There is probably a good reason why your SIL won't give him any money and he needs to take responsibility for his own actions if he has got himself into debt.

My XH rang up credit card debts of thousands. I helped him to clear it all, but since leaving me, he has done it all over again.

When we were together, all bills and savings were in my name. Not because I am controlling, but because it was the only way to ensure that they got paid and that our money wasn't all spent by XH on electrical gadgets!

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 11:19

Strange he has agreed to transfer the money only when he has proof sil knows. Strangely enough, we haven't heard from bil since that last conversation...

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JohnLuther · 05/01/2016 11:23

Something doesn't seem right with the situation OP, I'm wondering if SIL doesn't trust him with money or something.

NotNowBono · 05/01/2016 11:25

But surely if the money's being transferred straight into SIL's account from your DH's, she'll know it's not coming from her husband?

suzannecaravaggio · 05/01/2016 11:26

Cocklodging is kind of the flip side to a sugardaddy / sugarbaby setup. There you have a young attractive woman who has a sexual relationship with an older and less attractive man, in return he pays for everything.

A cocklodger is with a woman who he sees as well below him in the attractiveness stakes‎. He thinks she should be so grateful for sex that she pays for everything in return.

It's not quite the same because sex is generally much cheaper for women than it is for men.

But you get the idea, the cocklodger thinks he is so smoking hot that women should pay to have sex with him

Unexpectedsocialist · 05/01/2016 11:26

Alternatively, your SIL is financially abusive. She has decided that she has achieved a certain level, or has "earned" the nice things, the cruises etc. etc. because of how well she has done.

Therefore if he wants to stay married to her (because he is either in love or co-dependency from abuse) he has to stump up his share or face banishment / shame / punishment etc. He has been trained to believe that the worst possible thing is to lose her - and he will be worthless without her.

Therefore he is happy to lie to his brother / rip you off / lose dignity rather than risk that.

Either way, it sounds like your BIL needs help but your husband is enabling the behaviour in their relationship if he keeps lending money.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 11:27

Skyeskyeskye I can understand why all savings were in your name when you were with your ex h. I think in this case though, the probability is that bil hasn't been entirely honest to sil about his earning potential or financial situation. I personally don't think he has run up debts, more like sil just expects him to pay some of their bills.

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Bakeoffcake · 05/01/2016 11:30

I would be so cross of my H kept go ring YOUR family money to someone who is basically emotionally blackmailing him.

At least your H has agreed that SIL has to know. Stick to your guns and hopefully BIL will have to face up to his money issues. It sounds like he needs to get of his arse and get a job, instead of you bailing him out.

Unexpectedsocialist · 05/01/2016 11:34

suzannecaravaggio I was trying to think what the opposite was - and only got as far as gold-digger, but I don't think that is quite the same. Cheers.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 11:38

The big loan (60k) nine years ago was before Dh and I were married, so that wasn't family money- but it has always grated with me as dh struggled to pay school fees because of that.

Dh is fully aware that if bil and sil split up, it would cost him a lot more than the occasional loan as bil would have nothing.

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suzannecaravaggio · 05/01/2016 11:41

There probably isn't an exact female equivalent Unexpectedsocialist, but I think both gold digger and sugar baby come close?
Actually I think gold digger would be closer, the boundaries between them are all a bit blurred in any caseGrin

suzannecaravaggio · 05/01/2016 11:43

60k!
The bro is a total liability
He's gonna drown and take you all down with him!

Stormtreader · 05/01/2016 11:44

Are you sure there isnt something else going on? My immediate thought is that his wife has cut him off from her funds for some addiction, gambling, drugs, whatever and thats why hes desperate enough to be crying down the phone and also cant let her know that hes getting money from you.

suzannecaravaggio · 05/01/2016 11:46

He's a one man money pitShock

MardyGrave · 05/01/2016 11:58

While your husband keeps propping him up he has no reason to work harder, and no reason to have an honest conversation with his wife.

suzannecaravaggio · 05/01/2016 11:59

Dh is fully aware that if bil and sil split up, it would cost him a lot more than the occasional loan as bil would have nothing

Why is your husband responsible for supporting his brother?

Bakeoffcake · 05/01/2016 12:01

But why would your H have to support his Brother if he splits with SIL?Confused

BIL would just have to get a job!

thelittleredhen · 05/01/2016 12:01

I'm so surprised that DH has written off the £60K loan. There should definitely be a payment plan in place and he should be FAR too ashamed to ask for any more money until it's paid off.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 12:02

The 60k got swallowed by the building society as they repossessed his home. Probably shouldn't have mentioned as it was a long time (9yrs) ago. But so angry at time as Dh was struggling. And of course sil was busy choosing her wedding dress.. I really don't think he has an addiction, Dh knows him quite well. I just think sil feels taken advantage of. We were meant to see them over xmas but I couldn't face it. As everyone knows, Dh can be quite a pushover when it comes to his family. Bil must hate me...

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suzannecaravaggio · 05/01/2016 12:03

The bro is siphoning money out of your husband's bank account

Bakeoffcake · 05/01/2016 12:05

If this was me, I'd want a meeting with you, your DH and BIL ASAP.

Tell BIL that you cannot keep giving him money.
Ask what are the reasons for him keep wanting money?
Why doesn't he get a job?
What does SIL think of all this? I expect she doesn't know

TracyBarlow · 05/01/2016 12:05

I think you have to look on these loans as gifts, given you don't get the money back. If you're happy to gift your BIL cash to pay his credit card and so he and his wife can go in fancy holidays (and if I were rich, I'd probably give my siblings money for luxuries) then fine. If not, then don't.

In your shoes, there is absolutely. I chance in hell I'd be handing over cash. There's clearly something very wrong with BIL's life and I'd see the 'loans' as just helping that situation to continue.

suzannecaravaggio · 05/01/2016 12:06

Why is your husband so easily manipulated?
Does he feel guilty about something?
His bro must have something 'on' him that enables him to keep extracting money

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 12:08

Bakeoff not easy to get a job in your 50's. He's freelance so supposedly does a few jobs here and there. Suzanne, dh wouldn't see any family member of his starve.

Thelittleredhen I agree with you about the huge loan. I don't mention it as dh gets upset and tries to minimise it. Dh is not a stupid man- he's very sharp in business, but finds it hard to say no to his family. It's the fact they take full advantage of this that irks me.

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