Lending money to brother in law

[HormonalHeap]

Brother in law is married but regularly asks dh (his brother) for loans on the quiet, asking that we don't tell my sil. The texts are pleading and using wording that will pull on dh's heartstrings.

Seems a strange marriage as sil inherited a lot of money and treats bil to lovely holidays etc but expects bil to pay some bills- but when he can't (work sporadic), he turns to dh. Dh told him we're happy to lend them money providing it's above board (ie she knows). He's now told bil it's me that feels we should only lend money with sil's knowledge.

Backstory is around 9 years ago, dh lent him an astronomical sum which he's never had back and written off. He also owed his sister money. Having said that, last time he borrowed money he paid back. Dh is making me feel like a bitch for saying no, but i'm just so sick of dh's kindness being abused.

By continually handling over money, your dh is enabling an unhealthy situation to continue. I'm amazed anyone thinks otherwise.

Isn't inheritance money seen as 'family money'?

I think it's a fine line. They're married so all money should be joint- but I can see sil doesn't want to see her husband as a cocklodger. I think she finds most of their lifestyle but expect bil to pay some bills. Bil tells Dh he has money coming in so its just a cash flow problem as his account has been 'hacked'. All bollocks we're 100% sure.

Funds their lifestyle not finds, bloody auto correct!

Tricky, it could be said that your husband is 'enabling' whatever's going on with the brother in law and the heiress

Is he not insulting you by expecting you to swallow the hacking bullshit?

Giving money to this family member isn't good or fair for anyone. No need to feel bad for disrupting this.

Dragging you into his tangled web of lies and deceit around money

I think you know you're not being a bitch. I would always lend money to family if they really needed it, but would expect it to be paid back ASAP and would be a bit if they were still going on holidays, or even lots of nights out.

If your DH is asking for your consent to give your BIL the money, just don't give it. The large unrepaid sum would still piss me off 9 years later. It shows the sort of man he is, and TBH, I wouldn't have lent him any more after that.

I don't understand why his family regularly ask him for loans, though. It's so far removed from how my family operate, I can't understand it! Are you spectacularly wealthy ?

If they needed money as a couple it would be one thing but they don't
The op is paying for the fact that the in laws can't communicate
A fool and his money....they are making fools of you

Can I ask what the terms "cocklodger" and "financially abused" mean? Not terms I have heard elsewhere.

Thanks

Thank you for all your opinions. No we're not spectacularly wealthy at all but are lucky enough not to have financial worries.

They are obviously having a huge row as bil just called Dh again crying. Dh agreed to transfer the money later to sil's account.

Cocklodger you can google
But the bloke isn't one
The heiress inherited she didn't work for the money so its hypocritical to criticise him cfor not earning much, surely?

Financially abusive would be if (in this example) if the SIL is not allowing the BIL access to money, or expecting him to pay bills with money he does not have, so he is borrowing it either off credit cards or the OPs DH.

Without knowing their respective earnings and any other relevant information such as any health problems, it is impossible to say how it would be fair for them to split bills, which is not necessarily 50/50.

I also wondered if the SIL wants a more luxurious lifestyle than the BIL, ie lots of cruises. Perhaps they genuinley cannot afford them but she is pressurising her DH into paying his half of things they cannot afford or does not want.

Cocklodging is a commonly used on Mumsnet term for a man that does not pull his weight in various ways, ie doesn't make a fair contribution to the bills and/or childcare/housework, ie he expects a free ride at the expense of his DW.

They're loaded and he's begging and crying for a handout
Wtf?
If I won the lottery I wouldnt have my partner go weeping on the phone to extract money from his family!

I bet your fuming! BIL is a clever one isn't he, knows just what to do to get his way.

Cockodger
Strictly speaking is a man who pays the rent with his cock
She pays for everything and in return he has sex with her

What kind of level of borrowing is he asking for? Like is it a case of £50 or £500?

What reason is there for his sporadic working? That would impact upon my decision.

Just googled it and was directed back to a thread on mumsnet. Wow. What an incredibly offensive, sexist term. I can see how it might be a very useful explanation of someone, but still can't believe it exists / is used.

BarbaraofSeville thanks. I have been in a financially abusive relationship before then - hadn't realised there was a term for it.

Cocklodging is a commonly used on Mumsnet term for a man that does not pull his weight in various ways, ie doesn't make a fair contribution to the bills and/or childcare/housework, ie he expects a free ride at the expense of his DW

No, what you are describing is a freeloader.
Cocklodger is a lodger who pay the rent with his cock.
I suppose he qualifies as a subset of freeloader but they are not necessarily the same

Is there a chance he has an addiction problem? E.g. gambling, drugs, whatever, and needs the money to go towards that?

Sil has invested in quite a few houses in her name only which she rents out so has the income from that. She has children from her first marriage and my feeling is that she wants to make sure all her assets eventually go to her children. I know she made bro sign a pre-nup.

OP, is there any indication of what consequence will befall the bro if your husband doesn't stump up the money?

I'm as sure as can be (100% really) that there's no addiction problem. There are obviously problems in the marriage, but is the long term solution to keep propping bil up?