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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Odd behaviour from boyfriends family

214 replies

Headofthehive55 · 03/01/2016 09:06

I am asking on behalf of my daughter, age 20. She has a lovely BF, age 19. Been with him nearly a year, although were best friends for about 18 months before that. At different unis, but manage to see each other in term time quite a fair bit as they do a shared hobby. They are very close and clearly happy together.

We live close to his parents, walkable distance.

He's been often to our house, stayed for tea, days out in the holidays.
However she is ignored? By his parents. No birthday card, Christmas card etc. In fact she has not been invited there at all this holiday. He is clearly annoyed by this as he wanted them to invite her for dinner one day. He has been told she can never come for dinner as she isn't family! Nor was he allowed to bring her on a walk with them as it was a family walk!

Now this seems odd to me. I have never experienced this sort of thing before, my own mil was very welcoming to me.

AIBU to think they might make a bit of an effort? Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with it?

OP posts:
Asskicker · 03/01/2016 09:10

It is a bit odd.

But they may not want to get to know his girlfriends until it's actually serious or the girlfriend will be part of the family.

There isn't much you can do really.

Is it possible that he is lying? And he doesn't want to introduce her yet?

TooSassy · 03/01/2016 09:10

Stay out of it OP.

This is for the Boyfriend to deal with and for your DD to stand back and watch and learn. Klaxons would be going off in my head if I was her right now and I would be high tailing it at high speed.

The family will have their reasons (in their mind) and it's for the son to sort.

Original poster
Headofthehive55 · 03/01/2016 09:15

Oh I won't particularly get involved, other than I said to her that had never been my experience, but I'm aware that families are different.

I don't think it is him, she was watching a film at their house some months ago and when they came home they made her leave even though the film was not finished.

She is aware I am posting so I can show her other people's take on it. We just thought it was a bit odd.

OP posts:
fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 03/01/2016 09:22

They sound bonkers, however, it's quite easily resolved in what way they are, it's for the adult who is their family, to simply ask his parents why.

"Mum / Dad, why can't X come on our family walk?"

"Mum / Dad, why are you throwing my guest out of the house? We're watching a film."

They presumably have a reason that is sane in their heads - I can't imagine what it would be though, but no-one but the son is likely to find out.

lanbro · 03/01/2016 09:23

Very odd behaviour. Only the bf can tackle this, and how he does will be a good indicator of his feelings for her, now and in the future. Nowt as queen as folk!

lanbro · 03/01/2016 09:23

*queer!

maybebabybee · 03/01/2016 09:24

They don't sound very nice tbh. But it's up to your dd's bf to sort - he needs to stand up to them.

abbieanders · 03/01/2016 09:26

He probably knows well what's going on but has decided not to pretend otherwise. I suspect they don't want him to be too serious about her - or possibly any girl - at his age.

TooSassy · 03/01/2016 09:26

Well if your DD is reading this then here's my direct advice to her.

Think long and hard before investing anymore time with this boy. Think really hard before making any sort of substantial commitment to him. Because here's the thing, you do end up marrying the family too.

I'm sure the family have their reasons for treating you the way they do, but it's bat shit crazy behaviour IMO. Throwing you out of the house midway through a film???? Rude, rude, rude.
It won't miraculously change overnight either if he proposes etc.

Can I ask? Are they a religious family? I'm trying to understand if dating (having sex outside of marriage) etc is something they don't approve of?

Shakey15000 · 03/01/2016 09:28

How odd. Perhaps you could invite them to dinner? That's not beyond the boundaries of usual behaviour. I'd be nosy curious to see what there excuse is. If there is one. And if not, you must have a live thread about it Smile

theycallmemellojello · 03/01/2016 09:28

Hmm it's a bit unfriendly saying she can never come over, but my family never sent cards to boyfriends I had at that age or treated them as 'one of the family.' I did bring a couple home but it was more of a dinner to meet the parents type affair rather than being a prelude to spending loads of time together. And I wouldn't have invited them round Xmas as for a lot of people that is family time. Perhaps your dd can meet the family at another time of year? Or maybe once they've been together longer or get more serious the family will take more interest.

Shakey15000 · 03/01/2016 09:29

Their *

jay55 · 03/01/2016 09:31

Has he got younger siblings at home?

Samantha28 · 03/01/2016 09:31

What too sassy said

LordBrightside · 03/01/2016 09:32

Sounds like they are struggling with the prospect of their little prince growing up. No sympathy for people like this, selfish morons.

JellyTotCat · 03/01/2016 09:33

That's very odd. The film thing was pretty rude. Could there be some sort of prejudice involved, if they are from different backgrounds? Or could they be paranoid about a pregnancy happening? Or just very insular unsociable people? Just a few thoughts

maybebabybee · 03/01/2016 09:34

Wow, just read what you said about the film. That's mental. Did the bf stand up to them at that point? If not he's the issue here, not them, and DD needs to consider if she can remain in this relationship.

Our partners have always been treated as part of the family, including DB's gf aged 16!!!

1frenchfoodie · 03/01/2016 09:35

My cousin had a similar thing with his gf's family. They genuinely thought he was a bad influence, presumably based on no more than he liked djing. Took 9 years, a docotate and their eventual marriage to come round. Her dad did a touching wedding speech about how over protective he was.

NoahVale · 03/01/2016 09:37

never come for dinner, never join the walk.
Perhaps It was a family dinner and walk.

I think he should be the one asking his family,

though it does sound particularly unfriendly. Do they see each other away from the house?
Do they have a small house? or perhaps are ashamed of their house?

TeaPleaseLouise · 03/01/2016 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoahVale · 03/01/2016 09:38

Do the parents act oddly generally? Get very drunk or something embarrassing?
Do you know them?

Original poster
Headofthehive55 · 03/01/2016 09:38

We've always had our children's friends around for tea etc so it just seemed no different. She's met them, but it's clear from a couple of posters that it's just what happens in some families. Just seemed really unfriendly.

OP posts:
defineme · 03/01/2016 09:39

Is it cultural or religious differences? Or did they love his last girlfriend? He needs to confront them and get them to expand the not family reason.

NoahVale · 03/01/2016 09:41

Perhaps they are simply possessive over him? Belittling his maturity, their relationship?

N0More314 · 03/01/2016 09:41

The culture in my own family was/is to be discouraging of serious relationships in the young folk. Now my siblings in 40s but we would have been embarrassed to try and include a boyfriend or girlfriend in family meals. It would have felt very odd. We would have been very self-conscious.

Bringing somebody home was only finally encouraged when there was pressure to get married, settle down etc....