Odd behaviour from boyfriends family

[Headofthehive55]

I am asking on behalf of my daughter, age 20. She has a lovely BF, age 19. Been with him nearly a year, although were best friends for about 18 months before that. At different unis, but manage to see each other in term time quite a fair bit as they do a shared hobby. They are very close and clearly happy together.

We live close to his parents, walkable distance.

He's been often to our house, stayed for tea, days out in the holidays.
However she is ignored? By his parents. No birthday card, Christmas card etc. In fact she has not been invited there at all this holiday. He is clearly annoyed by this as he wanted them to invite her for dinner one day. He has been told she can never come for dinner as she isn't family! Nor was he allowed to bring her on a walk with them as it was a family walk!

Now this seems odd to me. I have never experienced this sort of thing before, my own mil was very welcoming to me.

AIBU to think they might make a bit of an effort? Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with it?

I think he's absolutely sensible not to rock the boat too much for the next two years. At his age he would really be silly to gamble his education and security for the sake of a relationship which may not last. He doesn't sound like a coward, just pragmatic and sensible. And if they are going down the 'my house, my rules' path there is very, very little he can do.

^^ This is what we did - saw each other at each other's universities - we met at one then he moved to another for next degree or at his parents house in early days when they liked him having a girlfriend. Though my parents made travel to his house from mine as difficult as possible at times.

One sibling moved out at 18 fucking up their education and having to move back in desperation at odd points and another moved in with DP meaning they stayed close for uni giving up a better course and staying way longer than was healthy as couldn't face giving up and I told you so and possibility of moving back in.

RevoltingPeasant is right though it was both my parents but my Dad was much worse about us up to point made phoning each other bloody hard - and that did mean I tried to spend less and less time at home . It's also hard to stand up for yourself when it's all you've known.

I think its very odd indeed. Has your daughter actually asked the boyfriend outright what the problem is. Its not normal behaviour. Your daughter must feel awful. And I can understand as a mother how you must feel too. Can you imagine what 'family' life would be like if she one day married this young man. Its a shame for him too. He needs to speak to them.

^there's a middle way though -
It sounds as though bf is standing up to the p a bit more - as long as there is continued evidence of that without a falling out, that's ok. Unless his parents are not reasonable they won't cut him off for some standing up for himself, they might even realise he's right.^

Do they sound reasonable to you? Expecting a 19 year old to ask permission to do things, denying that permission and viewing going against it as defying them? Kicking his girlfriend out half way through a film and him being desperate to move out doesn't sound like there is no falling out.

I honestly find some of the comments on here absolutely laughable and they clearly come from people who have no experience of living with control.

One poster said he should order the mother to cook her a meal and demand they give him family plans so he can pass them onto GF so she can join in. Do people honestly think that these parents, after 19 years of controlling their child and not letting go are suddenly going to roll over? Start taking orders off him and decide their entire character and method of parenting is wrong? If they do they're deluded. It's likely to just cause more hardship, make his life more unpleasant and potentially endanger his future. As long as he lives there it is there house, their rules. He doesn't have a crystal ball and doesn't know how far he can push them without being kicked out. He is correct not to risk it.

At 16/17 my bfs parents would get me a card and present for birthday and Christmas.
I was always included at christmas and family events.
My parents would not have kicked him out halfway through a film.

They might not know its a thing to do.

When i told my mum that my then bfs family had had a little dinner for my birthday and gave me some cash in a card, she looked amazed and shocked. Should I send him a bday card then? Sister piped up yes mum, other peoples families do this, thats why its so embarrassing when dad cant remember your bfs name after 2 years. There had been many many bfs through the door before mine.

No idea about the halfway through the film thing, but is it possible there's just a total mismatch of expectations? A lot of people on this thread are assuming this is a serious longterm relationship, likely to end in marriage and/or children, and that starting that kind of relationship in your teens is the norm, but there's another pov, which it's perfectly possible the parents espouse - that people don't tend to settle down till their thirties, that an exclusive relationship in your teens is a distraction from studying and student life, and unlikely to go anywhere. For them, if they think this, she isn't part of the family, or likely to become a fixture, and they'd rather she didn't.

This is a tricky one for me to call, because in my day (old buffer emoticon) while you were financially dependent on your parents, and unmarried, your romantic relationships just didn't count. My parents were always friendly and kind and hospitable to all my friends, but they didn't welcome boyfriends into the family as if we were partners, and quite right too in my opinion.

If I had wanted to get married when I was 19, there would have been great concern that I was so young and so on, but if I had gone through with it, they would have made the best of it. However they would not have continued to support me financially (they did when I was 19, at university) and would have expected me to be sorting out my own adult life with my husband. They would have invited us to everything as a couple and that would have been the new world order.

I think it's tricky for young people to work out their modus operandi in a world where they mature physically / sexually so young, and are kept financially dependent as a norm through being in education until they are well into their 20s. It's tricky for their families too. But I don't think taking the approach that all girlfriends/ boyfriends are "partners" is necessarily the right approach. I can see that this is one way of navigating this, but there are lots of reasons why not to: what about religion? What about time for young people to experiment, keeping their emotional security with their family separate from learning to do other relatioships that may or may not pan out? what about making decisions to commit too young? And so on

the not watching a film thing - I can't imagine being comfortable as a 20-something sitting on a sofa with glazed eyes watching a film of our choice in my boyfriend's parent's living room, in their presence, when they hadn't even seen the beginning. I have never actually been asked to leave but if that was me, I would have jumped up, exchanged some pleasantries, asked them how their evening went, refused a cup of tea if offered and got the hell out of their hair. They may have expected similar and dropped heavy hints that they wanted their living room back, or just been direct about it. not very nice, no, but in their mind it is probably not that different from kicking teenagers out of the kitchen when you get back from work so you can get dinner on, or something - not mean, or insulting, just "clear out chaps, your time is up" type thing

Things will get unstuck when he starts spending lots of time with your family and very little with his as a direct result of your exclusion. I wouldn't call them up on it. They will realise soon enough that they are loosing out.

Dsis was not allowed upstairs at her boyfriend's house for a long time. End result of course was that they spent all their time at our house, and even now, 17 years later, she doesn't feel entirely comfortable at their house. They are completely lovely to her, of course, but the "you're not to be trusted" vibe she had from their house has never gone away.

BF family if he is at uni & they are funding him probably consider him a child, especially if he lives with his parents during holidays

BF family sound like "my house, my rules" type

BF family probably expect/demand family time (with no outsiders)

BF family may not socialise very much

BF family may never have people around for meals

BF family may believe what they are doing is perfectly normal behaveour (to them)

I have heard it that is known as "respect to ones parents"
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BF probably behaves in a totally different and more relaxed way when he is alone with his girlfriend. Especially when he is living at uni away from parents
Shared hobby is a good bond
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It does not mean that BF family are right

The world would be a dull place if we were all the same

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Some people like to have a house full of non immediate family eg guests, visitors

Some families are very insular

HowBadIshis that's a really good take on it. It's a weird age group.

I think parents might be worried that their child is missing out on independent friendships and uni experiences because they are coupled up?

I knew someone who was a "cool mum" type - her daughter met someone at uni

And mum provided him with invites to dinner, "part of the family" etc, he was always in her living room with a takeaway and a film/TV Series.

They spent most of their late teens, early twenties coupled up, had a divorce after two children, and neither of them finished uni -

of course the children are lovely and they made the best of things.

But I think the lure of a "premature family set-up" meant they didn't really develop their full potential as people?

(both very intelligent, but it's a lot easier as a insecure 20 year old wondering about ones places in the world to snuggle up with a boxset and continue in their "Ok but not challenging" jobs)

Obviously this is an extreme example.

But if you want somewhere you can watch films at 10pm (and yes, 10pm is late if it's someone else's living room!) then declare independent students, and work during the holidays to pay for a little studio to share?

Inviting someone to dinner seems a bit "formal" as well? It's sort of giving a young relationship partner status, which is maybe not comfortable for anyone!

"I can't imagine being comfortable as a 20-something sitting on a sofa with glazed eyes watching a film of our choice in my boyfriend's parent's living room, in their presence, when they hadn't even seen the beginning"

I agree with that too - I'd be really self-conscious (and rightly so) about hogging another family's personal space.

Just caught up again and agree with people who have said that it isn't something I would class as 'normal' for a 19 year old adult to have to ask for permission to leave, or to do something. He's isn't being an ass by going out when mommy & daddy have said he can't - he's an adult! He's allowed to go out when he wants to. It doesn't sound at all like he is behaving badly - and yes, I'm aware we only ever get to hear one side of the story.

The first guy I took home (yes, there had been others before him) I was 17. My parents - who are both now in their late 60s, so I'm assuming older than Head's DD's BF's parents (mouthful) - never had a problem with him staying over with me. I don't think my dad was thrilled to suddenly realise that I was no longer 5, but now legally having sex. In the room down the hall. BUT both my parents treated him the same as any other friend, welcoming him.

I started seeing my now DH a couple of months before my 19th. I can't remember when he stayed over for the first time, though I do remember my dad freaking him out by bringing us breakfast in bed the next morning. Dad still thinks that's funny!

My IL's are much older, old enough to be my parents parents. My father in law was almost 50 years older than me, for example. My MIL did prefer that we stayed in separate rooms at theirs, though DH slept with me then walked back into the other room before morning. Everyone pretended he'd stayed there. My FIL was great. MIL...not quite so much. I still find a lot of her opinions repugnant, but don't see her often.

My mother's new husband is a domineering parent. I won't go into too much detail, but he & their mom have had a very definite effect on their children's emotional wellbeing. I will never understand why parents who claim to love their kids have to behave like such utter dicks.

Head - from what your daughter posted earlier, both she & her bf sound like they have their head's screwed on the right way. I hope reading through all the posts has helped her to understand that it may well not be personal to her, but simply the way they are.

I certainly don't take the approach that all my DCs gfs/bfs are "partners" and I'm glad I don't! We'd have been through quite a lot of partners if that's the case! As I tell them, boyfriends can come and go, friends are for life!

So whilst I'm friendly and welcoming (up to a point) when they're here, it's a big NO to cards, presents, meeting their parents and all that guff. Now if a boyfriend was staying over with us when it was his birthday, I would probably do something but absolutely not otherwise.

However, I've had these different kids open up to me, talk to me more than my DCs at times, we've laughed round the dinner table together etc but that's it. Sometimes you never see them again!

I'd be interested at how it happened with th OP's DD and the film too. Perhaps the parents wanted to sit in the lounge and watch the telly themselves! Having had one DD's boyfriend here for the last few days, I'm glad he's now gone (lovely lad BTW). I'm not being horrible but I wanted my lounge back! They were all wrapped in each others arms last night watching rubbish on Netflix so I went to bed!

Come to think of it, if DD and BF or other friend wanted to watch a screen they'd go to her room rather than hog the sitting room.

We've found this really insightful.

DD feels that it's helped her understand how his family might work.

I think it is very difficult navigating the conundrum of being financially dependent as a direct consequence of government restriction on grants.
My DD or BF need to be paid monies by us because we earn too much to get a grant.

I don't think it's the case that friends stay boyfriends don't, my dc have always moved on with friends as we moved such a lot. im not sure having a relationship stops you doing stuff either, in our case we gained a four degrees and a post grad cert after marriage!

For many years my MIL called me the girl or even it, as in Does it want a cup of tea? She wore black from head to foot at our wedding and cried, loudly, throughout the service and in her finest hour when we told her I was pregnant she went into the kitchen and started smashing dishes.

We are still married, she died some years ago and I never figured her out. You have my sympathy but I can't explain it, some people are just odd.

I was never allowed anyone back to our house as a child/teenager.

My dad was emotionally abusive, mum had no confidence. She hid behind a notion of family being all important because it was an excuse to hide the reality from strangers.

I was never allowed a friend back home. All my friends thought my dad was charming. In reality he was a monster and we lived in fear of him. No one - not even the boyfriend I had from age 17- knew because I was ashamed.

I am not saying this is what's happening, just that family dynamics can be a minefield, and often people can't or won't explain the truth.

granny wow. Just wow. It's interesting that some families seem to think it's their right to discourage/ disapprove of other people's relationships - people old enough to vote, marry without parental approval, go to war etc.

I suspect the real issue is that his family don't approve of Him having a long term girlfriend and rather hopes she will disappear.

"people old enough to vote, marry without parental approval, go to war etc. "

but not apparently support themselves (no judgement - I did not support myself till after university either, but nor did I expect my parents to support me as an adult. They supported me as dependent offspring)

If they are in a true adult relationship, with everything that entails, there is a possibility that the young woman might become pregnant. If that happens and they decide to keep the baby, are the parents still supposed to support the young people? Surely if you are considering starting a family then you should at least be an independent adult first?

I found family life extremely restricting but I understood perfectly well that I didn't get to call the shots - entirely - in my own life until I was independent. I chose to put that time off because I wanted the education. I could have left when I was 17 and tried my luck in the work place. I could have got married. I didn't fancy those - for my own selfish reasons - and I accepted what came with it.

I know it's not always as cut and dried as that. Especially in situations where it is the norm for young adults to work and live at home. I was astonished when I started work and met young working class adults who lived with their parents and their parents knew they partied hard, had sex etc. In those cases they paid "housekeeping" or a peppercorn rent as it was understood that they were saving for a deposit for their own place - their parents didn't want them paying extortionate rent on the open market when they could save for 10 years - working say from 16 to 26 - and buy. Same as my parents supporting me to get a degree, really. but in their case they seemed to live as adults with their parents, which blew my mind. Of course most of them had no religion and I was still at an age where I was always confused by families with no religion

are the parents still supposed to support the young people? Surely if you are considering starting a family then you should at least be an independent adult first?

Whoa there! getting a wee bit ahead of their ontentions I think. So far all they planned is to get to the end of a film

Absolutely small

Unfortunately if you expect your offspring to go to uni, effectively you also should accept that the government expect you to subsidise them. If we earned little our DD would in fact be able to gain a grant as well as a loan thus attaining independence. The fact is our income comes with responsibilities to pay out to compensate her for the lack of a grant due to our income. It's not her fault we earn too much for her to get a grant!

howbadisthis interesting you felt at twenty that you would have felt uncomfortable watching a film with his parents.

I happily went out with my parents and the BF now DH to take part in a shared hobby.

My DD and BF do the same.

You can't be a fully functioning independent adult with all the rights and resposnibilities that entails AND live at home with Mammy and Daddy paying for everything and putting you through college.
Their house, their money, their way of family and life. Up to them.