Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Odd behaviour from boyfriends family

214 replies

Headofthehive55 · 03/01/2016 09:06

I am asking on behalf of my daughter, age 20. She has a lovely BF, age 19. Been with him nearly a year, although were best friends for about 18 months before that. At different unis, but manage to see each other in term time quite a fair bit as they do a shared hobby. They are very close and clearly happy together.

We live close to his parents, walkable distance.

He's been often to our house, stayed for tea, days out in the holidays.
However she is ignored? By his parents. No birthday card, Christmas card etc. In fact she has not been invited there at all this holiday. He is clearly annoyed by this as he wanted them to invite her for dinner one day. He has been told she can never come for dinner as she isn't family! Nor was he allowed to bring her on a walk with them as it was a family walk!

Now this seems odd to me. I have never experienced this sort of thing before, my own mil was very welcoming to me.

AIBU to think they might make a bit of an effort? Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with it?

OP posts:
Roussette · 03/01/2016 09:44

Very rude and odd IMHO. Is her BF embarrassed by them? Why isn't he tackling them on this? If he is just accepting this, he is a bit of a wuss. My DCs wouldn't accept me showing their gf/bf the door in the middle of a film!

I have always welcomed my DCs friends into our house, whether they were just friends or in a relationship. It's what you do.

However, I dont agree with getting over friendly, i.e. birthday cards/presents etc. unless a relationship was really well established. We just treat bfs/gfs as friends of the DCs.

Original poster
Headofthehive55 · 03/01/2016 09:47

No cultural or religious differences. Was a little left field from my experiences that's why I thought I'd post.
I met them briefly, they were polite, but cool.
You wonder if you are the one out of step don't you? Maybe we are the odd ones!

OP posts:
0dfod · 03/01/2016 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maybebabybee · 03/01/2016 09:53

I'm sorry but there's a big difference in not being that bothered about involving your young adult DC's partner in family life and actually removing them from the house when they are in the middle of a film!

I don't think this is normal behaviour at all and you shouldn't be minimising it either.

theycallmemellojello · 03/01/2016 09:53

Does he live with the dps? I think that makes a difference. Ie if he was home for a week and they wanted family time that's a bit different from if he lives with them. Especially if they hosted other family members - it's a busy time. The film thing seems weird though. However, even now I would not have guests over to my dps' house after they went to bed, though my dps would never kick a friend of mine out. So maybe it was a situation like ok it's midnight, we're going to bed and won't be able to sleep if you guys are up.

Hissy · 03/01/2016 09:54

Only when you get to a wizened old age (like mine)Grin do you realise just what kind of almighty red flag this is and how she absolutely should not invest anything in this relationship. He's decades off standing up to them.

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed · 03/01/2016 09:56

"wizened old age"

What - 21 Wink

Hissy · 03/01/2016 09:57

Added to this, if this is acceptable behaviour in their group, it's possibl that he'll grow up and be the same. So if she doesn't meet his expectations or what have you, he'll ice her out at the drop of a hat. Just think about the seeds of self doubt that treatment like this is going to sow.

It's them love, not you.

Hissy · 03/01/2016 09:59

Ha ha.. I am indeed 21 and 318 months...

But I learn quick... Grin

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/01/2016 10:00

It sounds like in 20 years time his dw will be excluded from family photos because she's not blood family.

Is he an only child?.

usual · 03/01/2016 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/01/2016 10:01

Not inviting over Christmas is fair enough, if they have a traditional family only walk I can see they might want to hang onto the traditional for another year.

Asking her to leave in the middle of a film depends on the home. If the only living space is the living room what are they meant to do if your dd and bf are there when they get home?

Saying she can NEVER stay for dinner as she is not family is a bit strange. Maybe at 19 they think he's too young for a LTR, have they had the same reaction to previous gf? Has she done something, anything, that might have upset them? I had a bf at 19 who I saw for 18 months and dad said wasn't welcome ever, but in hindsight it was with good reason.

NoahVale · 03/01/2016 10:01

i think the Christmas holidays Family time is forgivable.

does she go to his house on other occasions?
do they both live at home?

Hissy · 03/01/2016 10:01

My ds is 10. If he were playing computer games with a mate and his friends parent came back and slung him out mid game or immediately I'd be Hmm

This scenario is worse, but it's for her Boyd to deal with, and her to raise with dp. Or end it.

NoahVale · 03/01/2016 10:01

I agree with above, they might not have the Space.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 03/01/2016 10:02

I'd be very very wary too. They are saying 'no' and he's going along with it. 10!years time, she'll be on here hoping for advice about her DH terrible family.

(Huge assumption, but you get my point).

fatowl · 03/01/2016 10:03

I'd be wary.
I've been married to dh for 23 years- still not considered family as far as MIL and SIL are concerned

Lightbulbon · 03/01/2016 10:03

No cards= normal

Kicking out of the house mid film= not normal!

usual · 03/01/2016 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MudCity · 03/01/2016 10:07

I think that maybe they are just the sort of people who find it difficult to accept that their son is in an adult relationship. Their loss.
However, like other posters have said, unless your daughter's boyfriend can express his disappointment to his family and ask for change, this is something that will carry on. They may never change. Your daughter and her boyfriend have to live their relationship without them. It can be done but it may cause problems later on.

Asskicker · 03/01/2016 10:08

Either he does know why and isn't saying or he doesn't feel able to have that conversation with them.

Tbh neither bodes well. He is either keeping information from her or is the type to go along with what his parents wants even though it upset her.

I would be advising dd to think long and hard about the future, if she thinks this is a serious relationship.

Sounds like a typical 'awful mil/fil' thread in the making if she married him.

Nataleejah · 03/01/2016 10:09

Odd, but... Maybe they are just different sort of people who don't like guests

Olddear · 03/01/2016 10:09

I think they're odd. What's with 'they might not have the space' what??red, red flag for me.

bakingaddict · 03/01/2016 10:09

Sorry to be blunt but I think they want to cut short this relationship. In their eyes they see your DD as not being good enough for their precious son or they are worried she is distracting him from his studies. The fact they were also cool with you indicates they are wasting no time in getting to know any of you

Fairenuff · 03/01/2016 10:10

That's what I was going to ask usual, what about his mates, have they ever been allowed to visit him in his own home? Confused

Swipe left for the next trending thread