Odd behaviour from boyfriends family

[Headofthehive55]

I am asking on behalf of my daughter, age 20. She has a lovely BF, age 19. Been with him nearly a year, although were best friends for about 18 months before that. At different unis, but manage to see each other in term time quite a fair bit as they do a shared hobby. They are very close and clearly happy together.

We live close to his parents, walkable distance.

He's been often to our house, stayed for tea, days out in the holidays.
However she is ignored? By his parents. No birthday card, Christmas card etc. In fact she has not been invited there at all this holiday. He is clearly annoyed by this as he wanted them to invite her for dinner one day. He has been told she can never come for dinner as she isn't family! Nor was he allowed to bring her on a walk with them as it was a family walk!

Now this seems odd to me. I have never experienced this sort of thing before, my own mil was very welcoming to me.

AIBU to think they might make a bit of an effort? Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with it?

I did actually agree with you on that point Aero

Anyway enough of this merry banter.

The poor boy, he's only 19! And the advice given here is fine for a 30 year old about to get married and struggling with her fiancées parents, but not so great for 20 year old DD and her boyfriend.

Boyfriend would be well to gently challenge his parents and find out what their problem is (and if it's as I suspect, that to them he's still a child), and assert himself gently. But if he's still living at home so much easier said than done! It's rude and odd of them - agree with the poster who suggested OP invites parents over for dinner, calm them down a bit!

my parents are the most amazing people and have always let me be my own person

Are you sure it's your dd posting Head?

Also keep an eye on it, like other posters have suggested - it's the kind of behaviour that can escalate.

Hmmm. Not nice for OP's DD or her bf.

Otoh, I sometimes think teenagers today ask a huge amount of their parents in comparison with us as teenagers. My bf was at my home a lot, but never for a meal - his mum would have a meal ready for him, our meal was designed for mum and me (no-one else in the house) and she had no spare cash. I considered my mum to be very hospitable -she entertained a lot and I had friends over for sleepovers a lot. But they'd come round after dinner. My mum must have been nice to them because several of my friends continued to visit her as adults long after we had all moved away and I wasn't there.

Now I'm a parent I've had DD's BFs round to stay over (not walking distance so different) and for many meals. She took her BF on our family holiday - house share with another family. BUT, there were times when I could have done without it. And when the one who came on holiday with us and DD broke up I was sad. He didn't reply to my texts and was very frosty when I met him. Despite my having cooked specially for him, given him lifts, a birthday present, been woken in the night by him throwing up, had deep and meaningful chats about 'Life,' etc So when DD quickly got another BF I didn't feel like meeting him and initially told DD I was too busy before Christmas (which was kind of true) (he came round for dinner on New Year's Day though). However I'm mindful of the fact that he probably won't be a permanent fixture either and kind of don't want to think (worry) about him to preserve my sanity!

As other posters have said, bf's parents might just be spectacularly unsociable and bad at letting go of their DS.

HeadoftheHive55's daughter - it sounds like your bf is growing up fast now that he is in a serious relationship and away at Uni. It is hard to defy one's parents. Truly.

I think people are being overly hard on your man over that.

I have a very...tempestuous...relationship with my mother. There was a time about ten years back when I didn't know where she lived. At the same time my husband was working for her & her bf. She was extremely emotionally abusive to both me and DH. Yet now, in her head, it never happened. That makes things hard, particularly as I know DH will never fully forgive her for some of the things that happened.

Yet I still have this inane desire to have my parents tell me they are proud of me. Its why I did the A-Levels that would aim me towards a Law degree, rather than take a mechanics apprenticeship like I wanted to. Fate intervened and I became ill with M.E., subsequently fluffing my A-Levels. I have since earned two degrees plus four other HE qualifications, all in the past ten years. Health means I wasn't able to pursue a career as a mechanic, which I regret.

Don't get me wrong, I don't take shit from either of my parents - and neither of their partners. There are rules in my house (racism, sexism, homophobia = not allowed in my place) and if they don't obey the rules, then they are asked to leave. It took time and effort to do so in a calm manner.

I honestly think that at the age he is, he's doing well to be standing up to his parents like he is. I agree that it's sad he's looking forward to being able to move out and away from his parents, but at the same time it speaks volumes about his personality.

They're weird. They really are. I may clash with my mom and I may lay down the rules of being in my home, but my house was like a magnet for all our friends when my brother & I were growing up. My mom was the one who gave sex advice to my friends - admittedly after she'd asked me what several terms meant. No-one was ever refused entry to ours; hells my dad even bought one lad football boots because his family couldn't afford to do so (dad did check with his parents that it was okay first).

I don't think the cards thing is weird. I'm not big on sending cards. Chucking you out mid-movie? That's damn rude. If you see them, go with polite - as I know you would from your posts alone - but don't worry yourself too much about trying to figure them out.

Oh, I'm 41, btw. My brother, who is now 39, has only really started being assertive with my mom since his daughter was born less than 2 years ago. Before that he'd just laugh and ignore her, but not tell her to behave. He doesn't feel that he can be assertive with her husband, even though I can see him grinding his teeth sometimes. His wife, who is Portuguese, will tell mom's husband off when he's a rude arse-hole though, thank goodness!

I don't think there are enough details to know the reasons why. Maybe it was late when the film was on and the parents wanted to lock up and go to sleep? Maybe they use Sunday dinner to discuss family matters, like a 19yr old not showing his parents respect, which would be embarrassing to be witness to as a gf? I can think of plenty of scenarios that don't mean his parents dislike the relationship, and plenty that do, but not conclusively with the details given.

I think it's odd. My first serious bf's family invited me for sunday lunch, family 'dos' etc. pretty much straight away (and his mother didn't like me very much)

The card thing is not weird.

The film thing is. Even if they don't regard the girl as a keeper, they shouldn't make her leave! Discourteous.

Lots of people value fanily time at Christmas. A teenage girlfriend doesn't contitute family. I know of a few households where a series of young "partners" have been brought to family parties/weddings/Bbqs etc and the fallout from the breakups were worse because other parties have become over-invested....girls texting the mother trying to remain friends, continuing to buy presents and Easter eggs for family children etc. Some parents prefer to keep their distance until the relationship is demonstrably serious (shared house, engagement or whatever) and it's self preservation, not a return to old-fashioned values or anything like that. If your daughter's boyfriend has older siblings, perhaps the parents have been bitten before?

years ago I had a boyfriend and I we would go out and then go back to his for a cuppa and and it took his mother ages before she actually said hello to me, as in weeks or a month. I think she thought I was too common for him or something, bearing in mind he was a milkman, so we were not from different cultures. the whole family was mad. We got engaged and his mum sat there with her arms crossed when we announced it. I have no idea what her problem was.

I did have a massive bust up with the mother & one of his sisters once but my b/f stuck up for me and I think that's what your daughters b/f should be doing if he has any backbone. They may not end up marrying but she is his g/f now, its just so rude to chuck her out of their home, it's very strange to say the least. What was there reason and what did he say, I am intrigued?

HeadoftheHive'sDD
Are they different towards you now that you are his girlfriend and not just 'a friend'? If he has had other girlfriends what were they like with them?

Lastly - and I hate to say this - but I am wondering if they may have another reason to think he is not very serious about you and the situation makes them uncomfortable. You say that you are not at the same university together - is there any chance they know something about his social life you don't? Sorry to say this, but it did occur to me that it's not YOU but in some way frustration with him.

Although it is not the end of the world if you don't get on with a prospective DHs family, BOY does it help to make life simpler.

My DHs parents were incredibly weird the first time that i went to their home. I had to stay because of the distance involved.
The first night I was there, my future FIL got dressed up and went out, and then later my prospective MIL got dressed up and went out separately.
When I asked my then BF where they were going ( they didn't say anything to us) he said 'I don't know! He just couldn't ask them.

It turned out that his DM was having a long term affair. She didn't cancel meeting her lover even though her son's new girlfriend came to stay.

They are seriously a weird bunch and I just haven't been able to have much of a relationship with them. They are divorced now.

My MILs behaviour has not prevented her from being critical of me or her other children's relationships either. She is a very sad mixed up person.
Still the OP is young and she is far from marrying him. The crunch will come then.

Things like:
Less than a year on- he just walks out of the house and is defying them all the time ...
Might actually be making them less amiable to entertaining a gf. Combined with visible: little regard for his parents - I wouldn't have my 19 child showing me disrespect then play happy families with their gf.

But it seems my view is odd as there have been many voices that he should stand up to his family.

If they're genuinely horrible inhospitable people, that is a shame for him and gf too. But, it depends on if his disrespect is a reaction to them, or the cause of their frostiness.

OP,no matter their reasons,these people have behaved with unbelievably rude gracelessness.
I would find it hard to put my feet over their threshold again if I were in the same position.
Heed Sassy's warning!

I think a lot of posters are being far too harsh.

The number of posters on MN who will post about how weird, difficult or downright toxic their parents are. I am sure nob of them would wish to be rejected by their partners because they had a raw deal in the family stakes.

My mum out of the blue announced she does not want to meet my bf. I told her I thought she was being extremely rude. However, I am not going to force the issue. It is up to me whom I see. And it is her loss. But why should he be forced into a relationship with the crabby old cow my mother.

decaf are you one of those erm in laws. He is defending his woman, being disrespected and treated badly by his parents. It works two ways! He is an adult now, and able to make adult choices! He is standing up for dd, because of their behaviour towards her, if they were nice hospitable people, he would not have to do this would he!

I did say he should stand up to his family. But that's not to say he should argue with them.

He should ask, why they have an issue and tell them it makes him unhappy. If they refuse to move on it there isn't much he can do.

I suspect he knows why. The update from the OPs daughter says a lot to me.

He has little regard for his parents? Maybe that's why they have little regard for his wishes in their own house, when he is still financially dependent on them.

I would love to know how he is defying them?

Having read updates this could be

Odd parents who will turn into nightmare in laws

Or adult son who is acting like a bit of a dick while still expecting to financially supported and disrespects his parents house, resulting in his parents setting very firm rules.

Or possibly just a son and parents whose values and opinions are at odds with each other.

I definitely think the boyfriend knows more than he is letting on and I suspect the ops daughter may know a bit more too

I was the one with the very unwelcoming parents and the university boyfriend. He visited once during all the holidays and it was excruciating. I was very aware of how my parents were behaving.

My parents were like this - resulting in only one visit till married, once DH and I got engaged they were better - though for ages DH wasn't a Uncle to DN that was despite us having DC. They were often discouraging of us having friends over and had real problems with us growing up -so was an extension of all that.

Contrast that to a very warm welcome I got initially from IL that cooled over time when DH and I stayed together - they apparently want him to have girl friend for a bit then no-one . They ignored our engagement, were a real pain with our wedding and a nightmare when I was first pg and tried to split us up when we had young DC. I'm not family despite giving them three grand children.

I think the behaviour is odd and unwelcoming - but unless the boy friend asks his parents it's not going to be possible to know what the problem is. I'd ignore it for now but wouldn't count on it improving in the future.

Odd parents who will turn into nightmare in laws

Possibly but often IL are nightmares because their DC is going along with their behaviour or very least isn't willing to ignore or challenge - if couple is united problems are easier to ignore or deal with.

I suspect that since he is now becoming more defiant in his behaviour towards his parents, that possibly they are blaming his gf for this change in his behaviour and attitude. Maybe they think that she is the cause of his new adult assertiveness, and they don't like it..?

I agree dodo, maybe they think you are a bad influence OP DD.

I was kicked out of friends/boyfriends houses, as my parents kicked people out of ours or we would never have left.
It's their house. Maybe they don't want to entertain/can't be themselves/feel under pressure.

Just see your boyfriend if you want, avoid his parents house and don't expect anything from them.

Actually op dd sounds very pleasant and easy going, so does op, in contrast to her boyfriends rude and suffocating parents. Yes my mum is quite possessive of me, and very controlling, in the respect that her behaviour was extremely toxic. I am her only child, and dh was never good enough, she wanted a soft doormat who she could shape how she wanted, and dh was his own person and fiercely independent. So was not entirely happy marrying dh, but I was an adult when I was in a relationship and could make my own choices. Despite this, my mum welcomed him, and would never show the level of rudeness that these people have show op dd.

His defiance is what is called on here, as learning to grow a backbone, and cutting the apron strings. Just because they are helping fund uni, does not make them own him. He will need this in the future, if op dd and him take this relationship further, or if they split and he finds someone else. They do sound like the type of people who will develop into toxic in laws, nothing dil does to please them is good enough, and their interferring will probably spill into marriage, child raising etc. Best that dd boyfriend learns to gently challenge them, and to really bring home to them that their behaviour towards op dd is not acceptable, once they learn to accept, then things will improve for the better.

Yes my mum blamed dh for my 'defiant' behaviour, not that I grew tired of her ways and had enough.

At first sight sending someone home before a film is finished seems unreasonable but..

the young man in my house (Netflix generation) seems to think it is fine to start watching a film at twenty to midnight and I don't.

Give the other parents a chance.

Also I wouldn't be getting the huff over cards. Not everyone has to be effusive over someone they probably see as a temporary fixture in their son's life.

If he wants to get them together he could offer to take em all out for tea and scones! Like the adult he aspires to be he can pay the bill and everyone will feel better. It is flip but he'd be better off taking ownership than huffing out and slamming doors.