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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Odd behaviour from boyfriends family

214 replies

Headofthehive55 · 03/01/2016 09:06

I am asking on behalf of my daughter, age 20. She has a lovely BF, age 19. Been with him nearly a year, although were best friends for about 18 months before that. At different unis, but manage to see each other in term time quite a fair bit as they do a shared hobby. They are very close and clearly happy together.

We live close to his parents, walkable distance.

He's been often to our house, stayed for tea, days out in the holidays.
However she is ignored? By his parents. No birthday card, Christmas card etc. In fact she has not been invited there at all this holiday. He is clearly annoyed by this as he wanted them to invite her for dinner one day. He has been told she can never come for dinner as she isn't family! Nor was he allowed to bring her on a walk with them as it was a family walk!

Now this seems odd to me. I have never experienced this sort of thing before, my own mil was very welcoming to me.

AIBU to think they might make a bit of an effort? Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with it?

OP posts:
Nataleejah · 03/01/2016 11:09

Please don't blame the poor boy for having not very nicest people for parents.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2016 11:13

No nat but how he deals with them, will be a marker of the future, if he gives in to them, or caves in, then there will be a rocky road ahead for op dd. He needs to step up and tell his parents that their behaviour towards op dd is awful, and that she will be coming for lunch say Sat or Sunday, and they are to cook her something nice and make her welcome.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/01/2016 11:13

They are definitely "odd", but some of the responses on here are also "odd" in that posters are expecting a 19 yr old who is in the middle of his studies to front up to his parents in their home in the middle of the holidays.

OP if he did stand up to his parents would you (honestly) take him in?

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2016 11:14

I have a very toxic mum, I have had to do that from a very early age, since I met with dh at 21. I would not put up with her rubbish and I moved 50 miles away from her with my now dh.

Learningtoletgo · 03/01/2016 11:14

I'm not saying they are excuses. I'm saying I can see their possible reasoning from the other side.

I'm not saying that they are right!

As for 'calling them on it' that probably won't help the situation at all and put the boyfriend in a very difficult situation.

As with most problems this is down to the bloke in the situation to deal with. If he is unhappy then he needs to talk to them.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2016 11:15

Boney if he loves op dd, and wants a relationship with her, he is going to have to. He is an adult now, studies or not!

Learningtoletgo · 03/01/2016 11:17

It's possible that he isn't talking to them about it because he's not completely serious about the relationship yet either.

Who knows!

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2016 11:17

yes he does learning, and he has to tell them to stop their behaviour towards op dd. Oh no she can't come for a meal, she is not family! No that is not nice, she will be coming next week for a meal, you will cook her one of your special dishes. No she can't come for a walk she is not family! Yes she can, I will tell her that we are meeting at x location at 2pm.

peppielillyan · 03/01/2016 11:18

I fully understand them. Are the kids at least engaged?

Roussette · 03/01/2016 11:21

Calling them on it doesn't mean to say he has to move out and the OP could take him in!

To me it means he says "Mum, I think you were rude to gf, it's not fair that you do that". My DCs always call me out on stuff if they feel I acted wrongly. Some I accept, some I don't. We don't tread on eggshells in this house Grin

usual · 03/01/2016 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Learningtoletgo · 03/01/2016 11:25

he has to tell them to stop their behaviour towards op dd

Only on MN Grin

Maybe I've lived abroad too long or perhaps I come from another time I just cannot imagine a 19 year old marching up to his parents in their house demanding the inclusion of his girlfriend at family meals or family walks!

I think I'm going all Judge Judy on this one Grin

throwingpebbles · 03/01/2016 11:26

Hmm. Doesn't sound great but equally some of the stuff you are complaining about seems a bit silly like cards etc.

I actually wishes DPIL wouldn't let SIL (18/19) bring her boyfriend along everywhere like he was family. Most relationships at this stage are going to end and if they are too involved in the family it actually makes it harder than it should be for the couple to split. I could see the pressure on DSIL to commit too young

Not saying these people haven't behaved very rudely and don't sound like a great family to be part of but I do also think young people need time just with their families too.

peppielillyan · 03/01/2016 11:28

Plenty of families ignore their potential daughters and sons in law. In their eyes it is not appropriate to invite them or to even move in, if at least engagement is not in place.

Roussette · 03/01/2016 11:28

throwingpebbles totally agree. Its all about degrees. It would get on my tits if my DCs bfs/gfs were always here as I like being with just them sometimes and I enjoy some family meals with just us etc. However, as long as they were here on and off and not forever here, I would be pleasant and welcoming.

Original poster
Headofthehive55 · 03/01/2016 11:29

Daughter here - thank you for all commenting... It's been really interesting to read your viewpoints !!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/01/2016 11:31

You're welcome.

What do you/your boyfriend think?

usual · 03/01/2016 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Learningtoletgo · 03/01/2016 11:32

I agree with Rousette and throwing makes a good point about over encouraging relationships at this end and the pressure it can put on them.

I remember getting very attached to my DBsurprise girlfriendso and then being gutted when they split up.

JapanNextYear · 03/01/2016 11:32

DH and I are a bit like this, in that we only had dss's girlfriend over a couple of times, not unfriendly just didn't send her birthday cards or her parents a card a Christmas. They did come over to tea once. Dss's mum went a bit the other way, cards, pressies, invites to Christmas parties etc, poss I thought a bit full on. We are antisocial gits!

But if Dss and gf had been watching a film we wouldn't have chucked her out, and if we did such things as family walks and she wanted to come, she'd have been welcome!

peppielillyan · 03/01/2016 11:33

peppielillyan, I think you need to be posting on 1950s MN.

I just commented on the fact that they do not see the girl as a family member.

Learningtoletgo · 03/01/2016 11:33

DBs not DBsurprise! Mind you one of his exs pretended to be pregnant when they broke up to try to get him back so maybe we weren't too gutted!

usual · 03/01/2016 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nataleejah · 03/01/2016 11:38

He needs to step up and tell his parents that their behaviour towards op dd is awful, and that she will be coming for lunch say Sat or Sunday, and they are to cook her something nice and make her welcome.
Yes, be a man -- stand up to your parents and make them cook for you Grin

ghnocci · 03/01/2016 11:40

I reckon they don't want to encourage a serious relationship whilst he's so young and still at uni. They want him to concentrate on his studies and career first.

Does he have any siblings? Just wondering whether there's an older brother who got a girl pregnant young or something.

Fwiw although getting her to leave in the middle of a film was rude I don't think the lack of cards or presents is particularly strange. I had several relationships before DH but he is the only one my parents have ever bought things for. I think that's quite normal.