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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Odd behaviour from boyfriends family

214 replies

Headofthehive55 · 03/01/2016 09:06

I am asking on behalf of my daughter, age 20. She has a lovely BF, age 19. Been with him nearly a year, although were best friends for about 18 months before that. At different unis, but manage to see each other in term time quite a fair bit as they do a shared hobby. They are very close and clearly happy together.

We live close to his parents, walkable distance.

He's been often to our house, stayed for tea, days out in the holidays.
However she is ignored? By his parents. No birthday card, Christmas card etc. In fact she has not been invited there at all this holiday. He is clearly annoyed by this as he wanted them to invite her for dinner one day. He has been told she can never come for dinner as she isn't family! Nor was he allowed to bring her on a walk with them as it was a family walk!

Now this seems odd to me. I have never experienced this sort of thing before, my own mil was very welcoming to me.

AIBU to think they might make a bit of an effort? Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Headofthehive55 · 03/01/2016 10:14

Thank you all for your responses! I shall show DD when she wakes!
I suspect t I am just more on the friendly side and they are more like nomore family.
Beauty of mumsnet you get such a window on the world!

OP posts:
Original poster
Headofthehive55 · 03/01/2016 10:16

Occasionally I think. So I don't think they are particularly singling DD out.

OP posts:
TooSassy · 03/01/2016 10:16

Nothing religious????

Op's DD, run like the wind. Space, no space, family traditions etc etc. All total horseshit. This is rude and hurtful behaviour deliberately meant to make you feel awful. Who kicks anyone out mid film? No one who has some modicum of simple manners.

Sorry but this has future trouble written all over it.

ImperialBlether · 03/01/2016 10:17

I think that when you're 20 you don't quite realise how much your husband's family will affect your own happiness in the future. This family sounds odd, unwelcoming and actually hostile towards her. That isn't likely to suddenly change when you get married. Can you imagine having alternate Christmases with them? Visiting them weekly? Having them go crazy because you see your own Mum more often?

Rivercam · 03/01/2016 10:19

to chuck your daughter out during a film was slightly weird.

However, maybe a lot of bf's actions are because they don't know your daughter because the relationship has been conducted away from home, and they don't realise how serious it is.

I don't think it's weird not to send a card. My mum would send a Christmas card to someone she has just met on the bus, other people are less fussed about cards. Also, maybe she didn't't send a card because she thinks that's too intrusive.

Christmas is a family time. Some families don't like 'outsiders' interfering with their plans. Part odf me can understand this, if they always have done it one way, they may not like plans changed.

However, your daughter and be have been going out for a year so they should make an effort now to get to know her. Maybe bf should start to initiate this. Even if a cup of coffee at Costa.

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2016 10:22

What TooSassy said with bells on.

He may be the loveliest bloke in the world, but life with his family will always, always be difficult.

Even if their rudeness was down to the fact they don't like anyone else in their lives but immediate family there is no excuse. And surely the B/F should have been able to anticipate their reaction? This can't have been a surprise to him, surely?

Leelu6 · 03/01/2016 10:23

To be fair, there's not much the bf can say to his parents. Their house, their rules.

Agree that this doesn't bode well for their future DIL.

JT05 · 03/01/2016 10:26

Avoid at all costs. My BIL married someone like this. 30 years on it makes any contact with him very difficult for his other 2 brothers. Their parents are now dead so in theory they should be closer, unhappily that is not the case due to SILs view of her 'family'.

usual · 03/01/2016 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffiphlox · 03/01/2016 10:29

I find all this Christmas = family only a bit odd. Surely the spirit of Christmas is that all and sundry are welcome!

And chucking someone out mid-film is peculiar.

Roussette · 03/01/2016 10:29

To be fair, there's not much the bf can say to his parents. Their house, their rules.

Why on earth not? A son's friend deserves politeness. He lives there during Uni holidays. Is it OK to throw someone out of your home for no reason? My DCs try to come home and take over here sometimes (i.e. boss me about Grin) and I stand my ground in the nicest way as they don't live here any more but I would not be so rude to one of their boyfriends/girlfriends because it's "my house, my rules". I hate that phrase, it just seems to give people permission to act without any consideration to others

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 03/01/2016 10:32

they could just be odd, possibly they cant stand her for soem reason and dont mind being spectacularly rude about showing it. Most probably they are bitter and twisted that their son will (in their eyes) have his dreams curtailed by settling for someone local, at such a young age, when the world is his oyster.

Doesn't matter which one it is, as its all bonkers, but it does matter hugely how the BF deals with it. Is he a spineless child-man, has he been subjected to so much of this tyoe of crap that he's normalised it in his own head, or has he figured out that he needs to stay 'on-side' to guarantee parental support in order to complete his studies? The reason that BF hasn't risen up to challenge this really does not a full airing, as otherwise there is a risk your DD will end up in a nightmare situation. Maybe your DD should come on and comment...

LongHardStare · 03/01/2016 10:35

Contrary view here. He is 19 and his parents are odd / have issues.

That is no reason to question the relationship, only to steer clear of the odd parents!

If he was a few years older and not either distancing himself from odd parents or insisting the change their behaviour, that woud be a different thing.

Oldraver · 03/01/2016 10:42

OP what was the b/f reaction to your DD being asked to leave ? As I would not be impressed by their actions and even lesser if he just meekly went along with it

mrsrhodgilbert · 03/01/2016 10:48

Another view point. I was the one with the very unwelcoming parents and the university boyfriend. He visited once during all the holidays and it was excruciating. I was very aware of how my parents were behaving.

However, we loved each other and have been together for 33 years. Relations are still tricky with my parents but we manage them, don't visit that often and our dds have little contact with them. We have a very happy marriage and I just wanted to say difficult parents is not a reason to split up.

We have welcomed our daughters boyfriend into our home almost everyday over the holidays. They are also friends from home but at different universities. I will miss them both when they go back.

YouTheCat · 03/01/2016 10:54

Ask your dd if she wants to be posting about her batshit ils on here in 10 years time?

That's what will happen. Of course, the bf might do the whole nc thing as he gets older.

It does sound weird though. We only have one living room and no way would I chuck dd's bf out if they were watching something. It's just so rude.

Leelu6 · 03/01/2016 10:58

Roussette - I agree that bf's friends deserve politeness. But if the parents won't give it, what else can he do except graduate, find a job and move out?

LagunaBubbles · 03/01/2016 11:01

They sound really weird. Whether I have liked my sons girlfriends or not (and thankfully I love his girlfriend now) I have always made them feel welcome be star he's an adult, he's my son, it's his home to and I have reflected it's his choice who he wants to go out with.

LagunaBubbles · 03/01/2016 11:01

respected

Roussette · 03/01/2016 11:03

Totally agree Leelu. All I know is my DCs would be challenging me if I behaved like that with their friends.

NoahVale · 03/01/2016 11:03

OP
I would tell your dd not to worry about his parents. She has been friends with him for 18 months and in serious relationship for a year.
so thats 2 years plus?
It hasnt jeopardized their relationship thus far.

Dont let it spoil their relationship now.
They can carry on seeing each other despite his seemingly unfriendly parents. They might not be unfriendly, just not over effusive.

They no doubt feel he is young and worry about his future. Understandable. You probably feel the same about your DD.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2016 11:06

Yes very odd, and very very unpleasant behaviour from them. I agree, how handles them, will be a good indicator of how he will be like in the future. I would definitely tell dd this, and to be careful, she could have toxic in laws on her hands.

I was 21 when I met who is now my dh, at uni (Iam 38), his parents treated me like family, his mum bought me presents, made me welcome in her home and cooked lovely meals, they still are lovely in laws though they do have some faults like we all. They live in Italy, we had been going out 6 months and they invited me to stay with them for 2 weeks, they bought me gifts, made me welcome. No op this is very unpleasant behaviour.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2016 11:07

My in laws were devout Catholics from a religious point of view.

Learningtoletgo · 03/01/2016 11:07

I've been thinking about this post. Possible reasons could be:

They don't like her. Sorry to be blunt but it's possible they don't want him in a relationship with your daughter and are hoping it will fizzle out.

They want him to focus on academics and career rather than get too focused on what will probably be a relationship that won't last. I'm not saying that there's no way just probability wise at this age more people tend to go onto other relationships in their twenties. There are of course always exceptions!

They have a strong sense of family time which they don't see her as. I've known a few families like this, nothing wrong with it at this age when relationships are not solid yet. They might think they can't be bothered getting to know her because he might be with someone else next year.

I'm not sure why you would expect a card???

Not saying I agree with their thinking but I can understand this is how they might be viewing the situation.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2016 11:08

learning they are all explanations, but not excuses for this behaviour, If my mum behaved like that, I would be calling her in on it.

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