Odd behaviour from boyfriends family

[Headofthehive55]

I am asking on behalf of my daughter, age 20. She has a lovely BF, age 19. Been with him nearly a year, although were best friends for about 18 months before that. At different unis, but manage to see each other in term time quite a fair bit as they do a shared hobby. They are very close and clearly happy together.

We live close to his parents, walkable distance.

He's been often to our house, stayed for tea, days out in the holidays.
However she is ignored? By his parents. No birthday card, Christmas card etc. In fact she has not been invited there at all this holiday. He is clearly annoyed by this as he wanted them to invite her for dinner one day. He has been told she can never come for dinner as she isn't family! Nor was he allowed to bring her on a walk with them as it was a family walk!

Now this seems odd to me. I have never experienced this sort of thing before, my own mil was very welcoming to me.

AIBU to think they might make a bit of an effort? Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with it?

Absolutely. thesecond however I don't see my DD as living here, as she has her own place year round. She comes to stay for extended periods in the hols to see us but does pop back and forth. She works too so really isn't dependent on us at all.

Thats how you see your DD. It doesn't look like the boyfriends family share your perspective, and thats up to them.

I'm probably repeating what other posters have already mentioned but I think the bf's family's rejection of getting to know your dd, positively screams to me that they don't want their son in a serious relationship yet. They may well have high hopes for him academically/career-wise and don't want him to settle down yet. The BF sounds like he is head over heels for your dd (wonderful!) but his strong feelings might be alarming his parents, especially if he hasn't displayed strong feelings for any previous gfs.

My serious bf during my time at university was the first relationship that I ever shared with my parents. I was always very shy/embarrassed about my boyfriends in secondary school so I never mentioned them or introduced them really to my parents. Moving away for university naturally lead to me becoming more mature and independent so I acted like an adult for the first time in my life and properly introduced my bf to my parents, he came and stayed every summer, came to family weddings etc... Since I had never brought a bf into my family before my dm was convinced we were going to get married straight out of uni (didn't happen of course). What I'm trying to say is that maybe his parents are taking his relationship with your dd much more seriously than it actually is (so far) like my parents who were convinced we were virtually engaged simply because I was happy to bring him into our family.

The other thing that sadly occurred to me is perhaps his parents are snobs and think their precious son should be with someone they think would be a better prospect? I hope it's not this.

Having caught up again - it really is a varied world we live in.

From my point of view, I find it odd that some people feel that someone age 19 is still a child to be controlled and given permission to do whatever. I'd say I find it a very old-fashioned attitude, but as my MIL had left school and was working at 14, while my FIL was in Burma fighting in WWII aged 17 and 1/2, I simple find it puzzling. My parents were also both working at 15, dad having been expelled for smoking in the boys room.

Yes, I'm one of those odd working class people...One whose ancestors were largely bargies.

I'm pretty sure that although times have changed, they haven't changed to the extent that a 19 year old should now have to ask permission to go out, as a child would. That smacks of parents trying to control an offspring and stop them growing up.

I agree that a relationship in no way prevents you from pursuing an education, btw. All 6 of my HE qualifications, including two degrees, have been completed in the last decade while both disabled and married, with a mortgage and all associated costs (with me unable to work at all). I'm annoyed that my health interfered to the extent I only ended up with 2:1's, but it was health that interfered and not relationships or finance.

I'm glad that reading through all the posts has given Head's daughter a wonderfully varied view of how people view things.

BTW, both my parents had their own businesses while I was growing up, earning in a week far more than many people did in a month. Education is not the only way to gain an interesting and challenging career.

Not everyone has the same experience though Motley.

I went to Uni with a guy who dropped out in the second year after a very messy break up with his girlfriend. They got far too involve far too quickly and basically were like a married couple. When she wanted to expand her horizons and end the relationship he took very badly. Went into a spiral of depression and couldn't sleep. I remember his parents coming to get him after one of our housemates called them to let them know what was going on. He ended up goibg home, dropping out and going on ADs

I don't think he ever finished his degree.

My DSDs housemate was also in danger of this in the first year. Luchild he managed to get himself back in track but it was a very bad patch for him and his grades suffered.

Like everything in life there are a variety of experiencesnap. Maybe the boyfriends parents have seen this happen within their own social circle and don't want it to happen to their son.

It's also possible that given the huge financial commitment that is Uni they can't afford for it to go wrong iyswim.

Sorry for the typos!

"my MIL had left school and was working at 14, while my FIL was in Burma fighting in WWII aged 17 and 1/2,"

In the old days, going to work didn't necessarily mean you were seen as an adult by the family. Many teenagers had to give all their pay to their mother who then doled out the pocket money (of course many husbands did this as well) and they still had to abide by their parents' rule until adulthood, which was 21.

They do sound very odd. I think the best thing to do is not take it personally and to just ignore their behaviour as much as possible. They may not want him to be in a relationship but he is an adult and ultimately they really aren't going to have that much influence whether they like it or not.

For many years my MIL called me the girl or even it, as in Does it want a cup of tea? She wore black from head to foot at our wedding and cried, loudly, throughout the service and in her finest hour when we told her I was pregnant she went into the kitchen and started smashing dishes.

My MIL was similar. At my wedding she even told people that she felt she had "lost her son". She had no impact at all on my relationship with DH though (perhaps that is why she hated me) and she is long since dead.

In the old days, going to work didn't necessarily mean you were seen as an adult by the family. Many teenagers had to give all their pay to their mother who then doled out the pocket money (of course many husbands did this as well) and they still had to abide by their parents' rule until adulthood, which was 21.

Perhaps that was the case in some families, but certainly not all, by a very long chalk. Part of one of the studies I considered - and gathered a lot of material for - when I was thinking Masters (I have a history degree), was to do with the voices and experiences of working class women. I interviewed a lot of women from difference eras as I carried on with the study project even though I decided that I could not afford to complete a Masters at that time. Really fascinating subject, particularly as there is so little written history the further you go back in time when it comes to this particular group of people. You've made me want to get it back out and read through all the interview transcripts again - thank you :D

My mother in law was very much treated as an adult and expected to contribute in all ways. Yes, she paid housekeeping, but didn't just hand over all her money and her parents wouldn't have told her to. She did end up being the 'mom' of the household by the late 1940s as her mom left the family a couple of years after her youngest - and 11th - child died.

She always finds it quite funny when people say that no-one knew about sex - or that no-one had sex pre-marriage back then. She grew up with five brothers, then started work in a munitions factory at 14 (standing on an orange box as she wasn't tall enough - imagine health and safety now!) and heard pretty much every swear word going and as at least two of her brothers were sort-of obliged to get married due to pregnant girlfriends...

Not everyone has the same experience, Motley yes, I am aware of that Andthentherewasmum (love your screen name, btw). My own and my husband's experiences were different, just as his and his older brother's were different. For example, his brother was told that he couldn't take his gf upstairs, even when he was past 20 (admittedly he is a little shit, even now - eg still blames his dad for 'ruining' his life for making him get a job instead of sit on the dole when he was 16. He's 53 now). My husband never asked permission and, had either of his parents objected, would simply have moved out. He said he paid rent - both to his parents and the additional charged by the council for having another working adult in the house - and therefore had a right to live his life how he chose. They never objected or said anything to him about it. I think he was too like his dad and Alf knew better.

PS - I'll forgive your typos if you'll forgive my appalling grammar ;)

BTW - going back a bit - my brother's gf who he shared a house with to start with in Uni broke up with him while they were still in the house. Turned out she'd started seeing one of his friends behind his back. That's life, unfortunately. Sometimes people just plain suck.

PPS - sorry if this is rambly and a bit weird, I haven't slept for a couple of days and starting to get a little punchy. Plus my talk-to-type system keeps typing strange things.

"For example, his brother was told that he couldn't take his gf upstairs, even when he was past 20 "

This again shows how different families can be. My friends were given separate rooms from their uni boyfriends if staying at home at the age of 19. This was in the late 90s.

Dear OP's DD, please don't dump your lovely bf because his parents are loons. It's very hard to stand up to your parents at 19 if you are living in their home and financially dependent on them. The important thing is that he does learn stand up to them and sets proper boundaries over the next couple of years, as he becomes fully independent.

The PPs warning that toxic in-laws can ruin a relationship are right, but that will only happen if your bf lets it. My own DH comes from an incredibly toxic family, but has never let it affect our marriage and we have a great relationship with the small minority members of his family who aren't deranged

I agree with shiny. Do people really think that someone shouldn't be able to be in a relationship if their families are difficult? Not everyone chooses to behave like their parents.

Totally shiny, it is good he is setting boundaries now as he will need those soon.