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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Odd behaviour from boyfriends family

214 replies

Headofthehive55 · 03/01/2016 09:06

I am asking on behalf of my daughter, age 20. She has a lovely BF, age 19. Been with him nearly a year, although were best friends for about 18 months before that. At different unis, but manage to see each other in term time quite a fair bit as they do a shared hobby. They are very close and clearly happy together.

We live close to his parents, walkable distance.

He's been often to our house, stayed for tea, days out in the holidays.
However she is ignored? By his parents. No birthday card, Christmas card etc. In fact she has not been invited there at all this holiday. He is clearly annoyed by this as he wanted them to invite her for dinner one day. He has been told she can never come for dinner as she isn't family! Nor was he allowed to bring her on a walk with them as it was a family walk!

Now this seems odd to me. I have never experienced this sort of thing before, my own mil was very welcoming to me.

AIBU to think they might make a bit of an effort? Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with it?

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 03/01/2016 11:42

I know a family where boyfriends and girlfriends are never invited. It's because the house is a mess and the parents are ashamed. If it's a serious relationship i.e. been together for many years or living together, they will give a Christmas present. They wouldn't give a birthday present because they wouldn't know about the birthday.
They also speak a different language so you'd either have the boyfriend/girlfriend feeling left out or everyone having to speak their language.

NoahVale · 03/01/2016 11:42

Well I think OP that he should offer to cook for her, at his parents house, or cook for them all, rather than demand his parents cook

wafflerinchief · 03/01/2016 11:42

That general sense of not being welcome is really toxic over time. I think his family are odd - also suspect they don't like you dd. What did the boyfriend do when your dd was kicked out of the film? Is he talking directly to their parents about their unfriendliness? The problem with the subtle can't put my finger on it not being liked stuff is it gets worse over time. I'd be much less keen on the bf if he's not sticking up for her.

robinofsherwood · 03/01/2016 11:45

I've been with my husband since we were 18/19. His mum wasn't keen on him having a serious girlfriend and told him not to date me. I remember one occasion his stepdad rang up to tell me he wasn't allowed over that night as they were having family time. He walked in twenty minutes later, having left before his stepdad even phoned. Its taken his mum the best part of twenty years to figure out that as a grown-up he decides who his family is. By trying to exclude me, she only excluded herself. Your bf needs to make his own decisions. If they throw you out, he can take you home. If he wants to go for a walk with you, then he can let his parents decide if it's the family walk or a romantic one.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2016 11:49

Sorry that behaviour is rude and disrespectful toward op DD. I have seen married couples treated like that by the in laws. To op DD, how does your boyfriend deal with his parents.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2016 11:50

I totally agree robin, yes he's only 19 , but he's an adult now!

LucilleBluth · 03/01/2016 11:51

They ate rude.....but I wouldn't want my DSs in such a serious relationship so young, sYthing that I wouldn't be rude to the girl. If this is their problem then they have an odd way of expressing it.

LucilleBluth · 03/01/2016 11:52

No idea what happened to my spelling there!

Learningtoletgo · 03/01/2016 11:55

Shouldn't that be communicate with his parents Aero rather than deal?

I'm assuming they are putting him through Uni and supporting him still, so respect should go both ways.

Chucking you out during the film was incredibly rude BTW OP. I would never do that to a guest in my home.

ollieplimsoles · 03/01/2016 11:58

Head's dd: I'll never forget the time it was my bf's birthday, he was 20 but his mum had organised a party for him at home with his family and she had a birthday cake with candles... He was spending time with me and was going to take me home later on for the party to meet every one. His mother sent him a text saying 'Can Ollie not come to the party I want it to be just family'

He never did go home for the party that day.

Mil has been struggling ever since...

Sunbeam1112 · 03/01/2016 12:03

My ex's family were like this controlling. He was the only child and he had the smallest room in the house! Took him to get cancer in his teens to get the big room! He wasn't allowed to go in the bath after 8.30, not even aloud to make a sandwich after half 8. They would have family photos which me and his auntie by marriage were excluded out of. I had a son by my ex and they were every controlling in how raised him and undermined me every step of the way. Ex knew how badly his family treated me but stood by and did nothing even when others said their behaviour was disgraceful. He cheated on my with another woman but his family blamed me! They even had thd cheek and begged me to have him back at one point! Crazy to think looking back. The warning signs were there. Unfortunately young and naive I ignored them.

I met my DH been together 5 years and very much part of the family. They are great with my son and very good with their GD. They have photo of us two on display and very much see us a family. My advice is just to becareful he might be a lovely but there will be a time where he will have to man up and not accept his parents demands. If he doesn't and bows down he's always going to accept their unreasonable behaviour. She will always be second best in their eyes.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2016 12:05

Being pedantic learning even if they are, they should not be treating op DD in such a bad way. Even if they are helping him through uni, he is an adult and can make his own choices!

Sunbeam1112 · 03/01/2016 12:07

I think it some cases mammy can't let go and feel threatened by another woman. I've met a few mammy boys in my time.

mintoil · 03/01/2016 12:08

I have a daughter around your age OPDD,and I would be advising her to steer well clear of a family like this - sorry.

kali110 · 03/01/2016 12:11

Christmas or not i think thats rude!
I have only ever been wellcomed by bfs family especially at christmas!
My parents always wellcomed them too, gave cards and presents.
My mother wouldnt have even dreamed of even throwing my ex out as it would have been rude and she hated him Xmas Grin
My dh usedto come over every christmas.
I think a year is serious.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/01/2016 12:15

Aeroflotgirl
if he loves op dd, and wants a relationship with her, he is going to have to. He is an adult now, studies or not!

There are men and women on here who are twice his age and still struggle to stand up to their parents (stately homes thread).

sparkleglitterdaisy · 03/01/2016 12:16

Not quite the same , but my sons best friend , since 11, only ever went to his friend's house when his mother was away . It used to really bother me , but for the sake of the friendship we just continued to always have his friend at our house only , as they got older he used to spend all his time either saying with us or his girlfriend ( his girlfriend also never went to his house even though there were together about 3 yrs ) . As we got closer we found out his mother had mental health issues , plus ocd . He and my son are now university age (20) I'm not saying this is the case for your daughters boyfriend , just that we don't always know why people are the way they are . Sometimes it's easier just to accept that they may prefer to be unsociable, and continue to make the boyfriend really welcome at your house . My DS best friends missed out on a lot because he spent so much time staying with us - we used to joke he was our other child because he spent so much time with us !!!

RaspberryOverload · 03/01/2016 12:17

I think how this young man interacts with his parents would be useful information to know.

So far it seems he's gone along with his parents wishes, but as he is an adult, then at some point he'll need to assert himself or he'll forever be putting his parents first.

Putting the OP's DD out in the middle of the film was incredibly rude. I wouldn't do that to my own DCs, whether they were with just friends or with bf/gf, and certainly wouldn't be insisting on "family only" for something like a walk.

I actually like getting to know my DCs friends, they're all very nice.

Original poster
Headofthehive55 · 03/01/2016 12:22

Daughter here again - a lot of you lovely people have been asking how my BF deals with the situation.
He's got a lot better over the past few months - at the beginning of our relationship (or when we were just friends) he wouldn't do anything they didn't allow. Less than a year on- he just walks out of the house and is defying them all the time ...
Yes it is difficult because he is only at uni half the year and he is financially dependent at the moment ... But talks a lot about how in under 2 years he can move out for good and we can get some where together.
It is sad to see how he has little regard for his parents - it's such a sharp contrast to my own family - my parents are the most amazing people and have always let me be my own person!

OP posts:
BeaufortBelle · 03/01/2016 12:25

DS has had a steady girlfriend for three years. They are 21. Same Uni. She's intense and I don't think she always makes him happy. Always checking up on him and has sent me texts at 3am before now wanting to know where he is probably because he hasn't told her because he wants to be with his mates and knows she will kick off

She stays here overnight, she is made welcome and joins us for family meals when she is here. She has complained to DS that we make her unwelcome. Some of her behaviour doesn't endear me to her and I very much hope DS will find someone else - I think he will actually because I can see he's getting sick and tired of the manipulation and intensinty.

Her family have invited DS to their holiday home, they do send him birthday cards and in my opinion have sent extravagant and inappropriate birthday gifts, ie, £100 in cash. They also send us Christmas cards.

I buy her a modest Christmas present, but I'm sorry I've forgotten her birthday - it isn't in term time.

As far as I am concerned she is not a permanent fixture in my DS's life and I very much hope he will find one who makes him happier and is less high maintenance.

Having said all that I would never ask her to leave my home although I have been sorely tempted when she has arrive drunk and started shouting at DS in the early hours of the morning

I've also said once or twice to DS "does she have to come tonight - we have other family and I was hoping for a family meal" and of course he has kicked off because she will be so hurt and she has come. Those are short-notice occasions though when I have had to adopt a "family go easy" stance vis a vis seconds, etc.

I'm a bit on the fence here but wouldn't be so rude. The other side of this is my in-laws who actually in all their years together never invited another person to eat with them. The children's friends weren't given tea, they never had a dinner party, MIL struggles with making a workman a cup of tea. They just aren't hospitable or particularly sociable but DH is relatively normal unlike his sisters

Learningtoletgo · 03/01/2016 12:27

Stop being pedantic learning even if they are, they should not be treating op DD in such a bad way. Even if they are helping him through uni, he is an adult and can make his own choices!

That's me told then! Hmm

I don't think it's being pedantic. I think if you have a problem you don't solve it by mirroring the same behaviour back!

OP DD sounds like you are a level headed person. If the relationship with his parents is bad is there something else going on in the background that might be driving this situation?

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2016 12:28

Oh that is good that is very positive. He does seem a lovely young man, a
Shame about his parents! The might well be those toxic parents you hear on here, whereas the dil can never do right, and she was treated like an outsider from the beginning, with utterly toxic behaviour, or they coukd completely change one they realise their ds is not putting up with that rubbish.

BeaufortBelle · 03/01/2016 12:28

Birthdays in term time - sorry. So when they are uni (thankfully in different houses) she isn't so much on my radar.

AppleSetsSail · 03/01/2016 12:32

I agree that maybe the mother is having difficulty letting go. I have every expectation of welcoming my boys' girlfriends with open arms, but I have no doubt that it will be a strange and at times difficult journey - yielding to the new Most Important Woman in their life.

Have you ever emailed this boy's mother and suggested that you meet for coffee?

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2016 12:35

glad it has learningWink

You just don not chuck somebody out of the house in the middle of watching a film, and the rude way they are with op dd.