To worry about making friends in London? And people's notions about Americans?

[Begentleimnewhere]

We are preparing to move to London from the U.S. as a result of my DH's job transfer. I've been so always loved London and my kids are little enough that they won't complain (6 and 4). My DH has committed to stay for at least 3 years, but if all goes well it could be a lot longer. His company is paying for private school and giving us a generous housing allowance, and a bunch of other financial incentives, and equalizing the taxes to what they are here, so we will probably have a higher standard of living in London than we do here, even though it is so expensive there. We've found a nice flat and narrowed the schools down to a few choices that have space for my older DC.

Last night I spoke to a friend of a friend who recently returned from living in London for a few years under similar circumstances. I've met this woman several times and as far as I can tell she is friendly, smart, and fun. I was looking forward to getting some tips from her, but to be honest she kind of took the wind out of my sails. She ultimately enjoyed her experience but she said it was very, very hard for her to make friends. She met lots of moms at her kids' schools, neighbors, etc., and they were all pleasant and polite, but nobody was receptive to her efforts at getting to know them. This woman is a bit outspoken, but not inappropriately so, although I wonder if the line of appropriateness might be different over there. She ended up making most of her friends through clubs and activities geared toward other expats.

I'm a bit more shy than this woman, though still not what you'd call an introvert. I will be leaving behind a great group of "mom friends" from my DC's preschool, and they are a big part of making life as a stay-at-home mom bearable. Obviously it took time to build these friendships and I know I can't instantly recreate what I have here, but I also know I won't be happy alone with my kids all day every day for 3 years.

So be brutally honest: what should I be expecting as an American mom moving to London? (Speaking in huge generalizations, obviously.) I'm not expecting a welcome party, but will I eventually be able to make real friends and feel like a normal person? I know there are plenty of Americans in London and they all seem to love it so I'm hoping it can't be that hard.

Also should I be worried about fitting in with the other parents at an expensive "pre-prep" school? I'm told we won't get DC into a decent state school mid-year and the international schools that have space aren't convenient to my DH's office. Where we live now the public schools are excellent and even wealthy people usually use them. We are reasonably comfortable financially, but TBH it would be a big stretch to afford the flat and school if DH's company wasn't paying. I'm a normal mid-30s mom who is still carrying a bit of baby weight and wears yoga pants a bit more than I should. I make an effort to dress nicely --when I'm not too frazzled-- but I am far from a fashionista. Am I going to feel poor and frumpy next to the posh private school mums?

Is there anything I should specifically try NOT to do in order to avoid fulfilling negative stereotypes about Americans? I won't throw any baby showers but that's about all I've gleaned from MN so far.

Sorry this message was so long, I hope at least a few people actually read it. Thanks very much!

I don't understand the Essex digression. Has the OP suggested she might live there?

Just to chip in to Lightbulbon excellent recommendation, you may find the programme just broadcast on Radio 4 about the difficulties of understanding (the) English worth a listen: www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b05pbwjp.

"German comedian and broadcaster Henning Wehn explores the fast-growing use of ELF - English as a lingua franca. Around the world there are an estimated 800m non-native speakers of English and the number is growing all the time.

Through talking to French, German, Brazilian and even American expats based in the UK, Henning discovers that just having the English vocabulary and grasping of grammar doesn't really help foreigners understand the nuanced, elliptical way that the British speak their own language.

From Japanese estate agents to French web entrepreneurs, non-native English speakers are baffled by the way the natives communicate using humour, obscure idioms based on cricket or rugby, and the understated codes of class and status."

Essex digression happened before OP said she was moving to Fulham.

You don't Dissex.

It's a big county. We will hunt you down

Only speaking for myself. I don't make friends as such as the school gate as I already have enough friends and find it complicates things ( bitter experience). We have alot of expats at the school - state school in London - and I will say hello and make chit chat but that's it. Partly because I am just that way, partly because I have enough friends and don't feel the need for more than the few I have and also I know they won't be here long term.

I am fairly introverted though so the more extroverted will probably feel differently.

Don't overthink it.

Be yourself, yoga pants and all. You'll be fine.

I'm over on the other side of South London & only know Fulham from trekking across to English National Ballet School & Dirty Dance Attic for classes. My friends who live/have lived over that way all love it though.

Not that I'm a TOTAL bunhead or anything, but if your kids are into dance (or want to get into dance!) I very much suggest you contact the West London School of Dance (www.westlondonschoolofdance.co.uk). The school's Artistic Director has the, er, pleasure, of being my main teacher these days & she takes a very real interest in the children from the baby ballet class up to the children graduating from the linked vocational school. Those of her teaching staff I know are incredibly passionate as well as of course being well-qualified, experienced & gifted teachers & I'm certain those I don't know are the same. (And no I'm not on commission. I'd suggest it, but I don't fancy a round of extra sit-ups for such outrageous cheek...). It seems as if the parents of the students build some pretty strong & lasting friendships, too...

Thanks to sieve!brain I may be totally imagining you said your children are 6, 4 & 2? But didn't give their gender? The oldest would be old enough to be involved in either Scouting or Girlguiding (if a girl, totally send her to Rainbows because clearly vastly superior to Beavers & Girlguiding generally awesomer than Scouting & if you were able to volunteer to help you would definitely make some new friends . (Actually, are you QUITE sure you don't fancy SE London instead? Blackheath is LOVELY. Plenty of good schools & good public transport links. And a very nice Brownie Unit up the road where you would be loved FOREVER if you came to help. No? Well, can't blame an owl for trying...)

It must all seem quite daunting, but It Will Be Grand. Please don't let your friend's experience put you off - try not to carry it in the back of your mind as you'll find it niggling at you & pushing you to overanalyse every interaction with people & have you worrying a week in that you're doomed to friendlessness for your whole stay because you've not found anyone you've clicked with yet.

You've had heaps of fab suggestions on here about possible places to go - I'd suggest getting yourself a notebook (not just because I'm a stationery fiend, I promise...) so you can make notes of the various suggestions & look up the relevant contact details & if you get in touch before you move over make notes of conversations/meetings arranged etc. You might feel a bit more confident if you had some plans in place? Certainly knowing there are some people to make contact with when you move over might help?

It will, as other posters have said, be a bit of a culture shock - two cultures divided by a common language AND SO MUCH MORE... Try not to let on how shocked you are though as it does tend to be interpreted as criticism & upsets people. Like the love of all that is good & holy do not suggest anything along the lines of your having expected the NHS to be "like something from a third-world country" because, as a PP has said, we are (rightly) proud of it & whilst we might grumble amongst ourselves, criticism from outsiders is intolerable. (I got Really Quite Cross with somebody on Facebook only this afternoon for their [unwarranted & Very Rude] attack on our glorious NHS, in fact.)

The British are, generally speaking, more reserved than our counterparts across the pond. We're not being unfriendly/cold, we're just less... expressive?... about things. Quieter, almost? But that's not exactly what I mean, because it's too close to the idea of the Brash Loud American, which ISN'T what I'm getting at. We're just not quite so free & casual with people we don't know, I suppose? Which is, actually, mostly to do with being polite & respectful. There are, of course, exceptions to this, just as there are doubtless plenty of Americans who are more reticent!

It's worth Learning The Language before you move & making it a game for your kids. One of my friends made the reverse move (as it were) when she was a little older, my cousins lived in the States for a year when we were very wee & I've got friends who worked in summer camps as older teens. All of them found it either REALLY helped or, unfortunately, really WOULD have helped, to Know The Language. It will depend on how many other American children are in their class, but if they refer to their trousers as pants, they are likely to be laughed at. Hard. For some time. It helps if they don't hesitate at "rubbish in the bin" rather than "trash in the trashcan" & if they won't be confused it's T for Torch not F for Flashlight. I don't know if you ever use pavement to mean the surface cars run on, as they do in Canada, but here it is what pedestrians walk on - my lovely Canadian Guide Leader's son was VERY confused about being told to walk on the pavement instead of the sidewalk by his teacher early on in their year in the UK, but he obediently did so & was then even more confused at being told off...

You'll want to get Oyster Cards sorted for you & your DH as soon as possible - before you move over here if that's possible (his work should be able to advise). They are the way public transport is paid for in London - you can no longer buy paper tickets on buses at all, just to warn you. Excitingly though (well, I'm excited, it means we can now more easily run all sorts of Brownie outings FOR FREE!) children aged under 10 no longer have to pay to travel on the national rail network where pay-as-you-go Oyster card payments can be made. They could already travel free on the tube, bus, tram, overground & DLR (Docklands Light Railway, a driverless train that serves East London) so in Fulham you'd have been fairly sorted for most things, but this opens up all sorts of possibilities for Adventures...)

Sorry, I've rather gone veering wildly off the point. But I'm sure that you're going to be Just Grand. You sound from your posts like you'll fit in just fine. And London is full of people of different nationalities, some here to stay & others just passing through. If you ever feel like you're standing out like a sore thumb then I apologise in advance for it because that'll be the work of some twitface making you feel uncomfortable - well, unless possibly you're prancing along the Mall wearing nothing but some reindeer antlers singing a medley of Broadway Songs. That one would be on you...

Good luck with it all & feel free to PM me if you'd like to know about London life from the perspective of a lifelong Londoner (barring working in Lancashire for some of my year out & then being away at uni). I can't help with the expatty stuff, but London Life I should be able to help you navigate if you'd like. I promise (Guide's Honour) I'm not a weirdy one. Just a horribly overtired & a bit daft with it one...

I think another language one would be bums? Over here it's another word for people's / animals' bottoms.

Thought this may be of interest.

qz.com/584215/10-things-americans-get-wrong-about-america/

I'm a Brit who lived on the East Coast of the United States for 5 years. There is a big cultural difference, and it's up to your individual personality how big a problem that is. I had one close American friend, but found that I didn't have very much in common with a lot of Americans and had more close English, Australian and Canadian friends. I got on fine with Americans but just didn't develop many close friendships. But obviously some Americans (and Brits in the US) completely assimilate. So it is entirely possible that English people will rub you up the wrong way. I doubt you'll encounter any anti-American feeling or xenophobia, it's just that cross-cultural expectations are tricky. Luckily in central London you'll be able to meet lots of "foreigners" and other Americans.

Also, not sure if this has been covered in the comments, but in answer to the OP's points about yoga pants, English people do dress differently from Americans. Americans wear sports clothes, "yoga pants" and sneakers a lot. English people less so. So yes, if you're looking to fit in you might want to wear jeans and a sweater (or whatever) with proper shoes rather than yoga pants to the school gate. Nothing formal, but more formal than American mothers wear at similar occasions. Conversely, don't be surprised that English mothers are much less "groomed" than American women - sleek haircuts, manicures, facials etc are much less de rigueur here than in the States even among upper middle class types.

Sorry for multiple posts, just thought of something else. One of the main cultural differences between US and the UK is how socially acceptable it is the complain. Americans are much, much more cheerful than English people. Don't be surprised if people moan on about little things that annoy them, but don't actually do anything to change it. You might find it a bit depressing. But it's just a way of bonding. I think that the more negative outlook of English people can put some Americans right off, but if you want to make friends with English people you'll have to get over this.

(Oh & prompted by another poster re: language & bums - in case you've not already picked it up kicking about on here: fanny, in the UK, is very much not one's bottom...)

begentleimnehere

I moved here 10 years ago. There is an American Womens Club. I joined, they have a lot on and you can go to anything you want. There is usually something every single day, so you can pick and choose and discover Europe with women who are in the same situation as you.

I don't go often to the AWC because, I've built my life here and it wasn't terribly difficult and I'm very busy. :)

Relax, it will be lovely and fun. You'll only be as lonely as you want to be. You can do this. :)

AWC have lovely trips, and coffees, and lots and lots to do. I'm in my early 30's so felt like the crowd was a little older than I had anticipated, but hey ho.

I'm also an East Coast American--I found W8 to be the easiest place for me to live with my kids.