To worry about making friends in London? And people's notions about Americans?

[Begentleimnewhere]

We are preparing to move to London from the U.S. as a result of my DH's job transfer. I've been so always loved London and my kids are little enough that they won't complain (6 and 4). My DH has committed to stay for at least 3 years, but if all goes well it could be a lot longer. His company is paying for private school and giving us a generous housing allowance, and a bunch of other financial incentives, and equalizing the taxes to what they are here, so we will probably have a higher standard of living in London than we do here, even though it is so expensive there. We've found a nice flat and narrowed the schools down to a few choices that have space for my older DC.

Last night I spoke to a friend of a friend who recently returned from living in London for a few years under similar circumstances. I've met this woman several times and as far as I can tell she is friendly, smart, and fun. I was looking forward to getting some tips from her, but to be honest she kind of took the wind out of my sails. She ultimately enjoyed her experience but she said it was very, very hard for her to make friends. She met lots of moms at her kids' schools, neighbors, etc., and they were all pleasant and polite, but nobody was receptive to her efforts at getting to know them. This woman is a bit outspoken, but not inappropriately so, although I wonder if the line of appropriateness might be different over there. She ended up making most of her friends through clubs and activities geared toward other expats.

I'm a bit more shy than this woman, though still not what you'd call an introvert. I will be leaving behind a great group of "mom friends" from my DC's preschool, and they are a big part of making life as a stay-at-home mom bearable. Obviously it took time to build these friendships and I know I can't instantly recreate what I have here, but I also know I won't be happy alone with my kids all day every day for 3 years.

So be brutally honest: what should I be expecting as an American mom moving to London? (Speaking in huge generalizations, obviously.) I'm not expecting a welcome party, but will I eventually be able to make real friends and feel like a normal person? I know there are plenty of Americans in London and they all seem to love it so I'm hoping it can't be that hard.

Also should I be worried about fitting in with the other parents at an expensive "pre-prep" school? I'm told we won't get DC into a decent state school mid-year and the international schools that have space aren't convenient to my DH's office. Where we live now the public schools are excellent and even wealthy people usually use them. We are reasonably comfortable financially, but TBH it would be a big stretch to afford the flat and school if DH's company wasn't paying. I'm a normal mid-30s mom who is still carrying a bit of baby weight and wears yoga pants a bit more than I should. I make an effort to dress nicely --when I'm not too frazzled-- but I am far from a fashionista. Am I going to feel poor and frumpy next to the posh private school mums?

Is there anything I should specifically try NOT to do in order to avoid fulfilling negative stereotypes about Americans? I won't throw any baby showers but that's about all I've gleaned from MN so far.

Sorry this message was so long, I hope at least a few people actually read it. Thanks very much!

Here in Surrey some of us thank the bus driver when getting off!

I'm a northerner who moved nearly ten years ago and found it easier to make friends as a early/mid 20 s singleton without kids. It was a lot of fun. I had some Australian friends for a couple of years and they made a big deal about me being English, they hadn't really made any English friends but met people from around the world instead, I was their token 'local'. As a parent it has been tougher, NCT was good for the early years - they provide antenatal and breastfeeding support, but school not so much - most parents already knew each other which is tough as I'm very shy, being a bit pushy may help however - I gave up with pushing the PTA so that doesn't always work. I'm also noticeably younger than most parents at 33 with kids almost the same age as yours. It's a more middle class, not super wealthy, school in the further reaches of West London so there may be more diversity and people in the same boat to welcome you at a Fulham private school, I tend to find non Brits much more friendly and non-judgemental. I only know older people in Fulham who are lovely and very welcoming (in a volunteer role).

I imagine the social rules will take some getting used to but that's due to your likely social circles. I'm from a working class background and would happily take you as you are, as would many people. I've had to learn these rules too as I've entered middle class status and social circles. I've been told by a friend that the Brits are not very direct, perhaps a little passive aggressive or ignoring the issue rather than saying what they mean. "Excuse me" can be rude - this was new to me recently.

Churches are good for meeting people too, but you can shop around to find one that fits your beliefs and community needs. London churches aren't as friendly as out in the sticks, ours is full of young families hoping to get into the local church school which may explain why there is less community spirit, although I've made a few good friends.

I love the red trouser blog, I noticed yellow trousers first. London is great, so enjoy it for yourself too.

'Have the good people of Essex not heard of something called 'the internet' '

Heard of it? They practically invented it. Apparently there are more tweets per square acre in Essex than almost anywhere else. Apparently more web searches are made for Trump in Essex in one day than for Trump in Eton and in metropolitan mansions for a whole year. But in Essex people know that t'internet has been filtered by the meeja to poke fun at Trump which is why people treat an American Trump fan with the respect and reverence they deserve and look forward to the unfiltered, unvarnished truth on Trump's policy pronouncements and "low-energy" jibes at Bush et al.

Have the good people of Essex not heard of something called 'the internet' or the 'porn and ebay button' as they may know it, where news from around the globe can be consumed at leisure. With this technology they will no longer need to ply travellers from distant lands with booze to discover what is happening.

I think this is my favourite thing of all the things I've read on the internet this week. Thank you, ComposHat.

And my apologies to those down south that thank their bus drivers. I must have been frequenting the wrong bits of south.

(Although I never felt like I was taking my life into my own hands simply boarding a bus, until I had to get the bus in central Copenhagen a few times. Jesus Christ people, learn to queue. It's a bus stop not a rugby pitch*.)

*Awaits the quiet rage of the polite, queue loving Dane.

'And my apologies to those down south that thank their bus drivers. I must have been frequenting the wrong bits of south.'

It is best to venture away from the Houses of Parliament and Eton to get a real flavour of the real South.

Heard of it? They practically invented it. Apparently there are more tweets per square acre in Essex than almost anywhere else.

Claig, you are a gift that keeps on giving.

It is best to venture away from the Houses of Parliament and Eton to get a real flavour of the real South.

Quite. The next time I venture down south, I shall do my best not to spend my time wandering, waif like, around the houses of parliament and Eton.

I don't think claig has ever been to my part of Essex.

UnkingedRichard, which part is that?

South Easty way.

'South Easty way'

Southend way? Know it well.

Regular visitor to Lakeside. IKEA now hold the door open for me when they see me pushing the trolley. They can see me coming due to my red Trump baseball cap with "Make America Great Again" written on it.

No, not Southend.

I don't recognise your description of Essex residents' political views amongst anyone in my circle, or that of the young adults I know.

OP, you sound like you have a healthy amount of self-awareness. I'm sure you'll fit in fine.

Good luck with the move.

'I don't recognise your description of Essex residents' political views amongst anyone in my circle'

Is your circle from Eton? Are they metropolitan elite? What about Clacton?

"The porn and eBay button" :o

Trump is disgusting. Sanders for the win!

It's going to be an interesting race, that's for sure. I don't know who has a real chance.

Another point in my favor if I ever move (though I can't imagine leaving Minnesota, let alone the country :)) is that I have kids with names that would fit, I think. Not Tarquin but not Brayleigh Grayce or anything either

'I don't know who has a real chance.'

Cheerful, there will only be onw winner. Trump has only just taken the gloves off. He is starting on Bill Clinton. It's going to get very ugly, Trump is going all the way. He will win with ease. He won't give in. We ain't seen nothing yet.

But I loathe him. He's a terrible person.

Just start by telling everyone you are sorry that you are from the same country as Trump and you should be fine.

BTW your younger child will either be in school or about to start.

I'm in London and I have mum friends of all nationalities. Whereabouts are you moving to? When you get here, PM me and, if you're close enough, we could meet for a coffee and do mum things.

Amongst my friends I have an Aussie and a Yemeni who was brought up in Canada and the States.

I lived in London for over 20yra - found it much easier to make friends there then when I moved to a small southern town. In London people just are friendly on the whole because most people are strangers there, if not to London itself then often to the area they live in. I've been working back up there a lot this year and staying with an old friend (made in London) she knows everyone from her block of flats, they water each other's plants when they go away and if someone is ill they put a note in the communal hallway and others will pick up groceries for them when they do a shop.

This mirrors my experience of living in NW London. My street had people who were Irish, Asian, Caribbean, African, Polish and yes, American - it was brilliant, I loved it for the time we were there. Oh and people on London buses who actually live there DO say "thank you" to the driver as they get off, as does everyone where I live down south. It's not a northern thing, definitely very widely done. maybe the only people who don't are those who live in an area that would support Trump?

I definitely think it's easier to make friends in London than in either the Northern or southern small towns I've live in - and I'm a chatty friendly Northerner. You'll be fine OP, just be open to the fact that you will have a pool of potential friends from the whole world not just England. And find things to do where you will meet people. My closest friend from the last area I lived in was French and we first met in the local park walking our dogs. Other friends were met at church. I've generally not made many friends through my DC because all you have in common is the fact of having children, not a huge bonding thing for me, so don't worry too much if school related friendships don't happen.

(Op) the American church on Tottenham court road always needs volenteers for the soup kitchen if you want to meet some nice expats and help out the local homeless community.

Agreed with earlier comments about the difference between us/uk relationships, but as others have said, once you break through the barrier I'm sure you will make lots of lovely friends. Classes at the gym always a good way to meet people /running club too. Welcome to London

I think the good thing about London is that there is so much diversity. Don't feel like you'll be the only foreigner there you're also panicking because of what your friend has said but her experience will not be the decider for your own! Just go with an open mind, make an effort to chat to other parents and join in school events. I'm sure there will be people keen to make you feel welcome X

Welcome! Take heart, it is not hard to make friends here. Yes it takes time, but you will be able to do it

Try joining Meet up which has so many different groups that you can join and will help you expand your social circle. Also many relocation companies offer help adjusting so often put on evenings where you can meet other ex pats etc. Ask you hubby to make an enquiry with them.